• All new members please introduce your self here and welcome to the board:
    http://www.professionalmuscle.com/forums/showthread.php?t=259
Buy Needles And Syringes With No Prescription
M4B Store Banner
intex
Riptropin Store banner
Generation X Bodybuilding Forum
Buy Needles And Syringes With No Prescription
Buy Needles And Syringes With No Prescription
Mysupps Store Banner
IP Gear Store Banner
PM-Ace-Labs
Ganabol Store Banner
Spend $100 and get bonus needles free at sterile syringes
Professional Muscle Store open now
sunrise2
PHARMAHGH1
kinglab
ganabol2
Professional Muscle Store open now
over 5000 supplements on sale at professional muscle store
azteca
granabolic1
napsgear-210x65
advertise1
over 5000 supplements on sale at professional muscle store
over 5000 supplements on sale at professional muscle store
ashp210
UGFREAK-banner-PM
esquel
YMSGIF210x65-Banner
over 5000 supplements on sale at professional muscle store
over 5000 supplements on sale at professional muscle store
over 5000 supplements on sale at professional muscle store
over 5000 supplements on sale at professional muscle store
over 5000 supplements on sale at professional muscle store
over 5000 supplements on sale at professional muscle store
over 5000 supplements on sale at professional muscle store

STORYTIME WITH LATS IS BACK! THE 4TH OF JULY..

LATS

Moderator / FOUNDING Member / NPC Judge
Staff member
Moderator
Registered
Joined
Jun 5, 2002
Messages
8,646
aaahhhh.. the 4th of july.. you know.. fireworks, picnics, family get togethers, flags a flyin'... NOPE.. at least in my household..:rolleyes: ya see nothing was ever normal in my household growing up.. and the 4th of no exception.. the reason you may ask dear reader? well.. that would be because of the man who spawned me.. but i get ahead of myself.. read on..

my father was a irishman.. lets call him james.. he love it.. he lived it.. think of any typical stereotype for the irish and my father was not deviated from it.. if you were not irish there was no need suck precious oxygen on this blue ball .. you took up needed space for the irish to propagate..

he stood a monsterous 5 foot 3 inches tall and never weighed more than 125 pounds.. he had wavy white hair that was the envy of all males in the tri state area.. .. he had the disposition of the cartoon chihuaha that would chase the bigger dogs and do much barking.. the difference? my father, in his demented state actually believed in the dark recesses of his grey matter that no one could with stand the fury of james.. tyson? nay... lidell? mere childs play.. anderson silva? bring him..

my household was filled with nothing but the ill timed practical joke.. roman candle shot in your room at 5 am? typical.. shot in the backside while taking a pleasurable urination by a blow gun? sure.. grabbing you by your testicles and making you kneel to praise him? two times a week.. he would then walk defiantly away as though he just solved the worlds hunger issues.. only with a faint high pitched cackle which was his laugh.. get the picture i am painting?

back to the story.. every 4th of july my father would throw a party which started at 8 am.. this party was attended by our citys finest.. fellow doctors, lawyers and anyone else my father deemed worthy of his presense.. (many attended because of a on going bet around town of the time frame of james death.. please read on to understand) all you could eat and drink.. and if you did not intends to drink at the crack of dawn?.. please dont attend and kill the vibe..

the one thing that made our family atypical in retrospect was the firework of choice of my father.. you see the thought of a lady finger or sparkler made not my fathers loins move.. a earth shattering m80? not even a twitch.. a antique civil war cannon? now you are sinking into james' world.. his sick sad world.. (one day i will tell ya how he came across this object.. oh so sad)

at 8 am my father would roll out the cannon packed with more black powder than needed to decimate a regiment of yankees and touch off the first shot.. if you were not awake at this hour you surely were after hiroshima 2 belched forth..

now we lived in a upper class neighborhood and the houses were fairly far apart by todays standards but it did not stop the windows from rattling for hundreds of yards around.. many of the neighbors complained endlessly to authorities about my fathers need to play with artillery.. but most were too busy eating chilli and getting skunked at my residence .. so the party would always continue..

one such day my father was completely pickled by 8.07am.. he was feeling rather full of himself this brutally hot 4th (the chant of "jim, jim, jim" did not help matters any.. it stroked the old mans ego more than if jenna jameson yelled it herself..) my father stood by his cannon with pride that morning.. a bottle of irish whiskey in one hand and his cigar in the other.. wearing his green beret hat ever so gently cocked to one side he had a aura of debonair about him.. the crowd was restless.. they wanted something more.. the taunts.. the cheers.. i could see the wheels turning in my fathers head.. me being a mere lad of 15 or so that year and my brother (who i refer to as my 5th sister) was about 24 at the time.. we had no control over what would ever be done but yet my mother would always request that we "watched" over my father so if we could prevent the madness that always ensued.. this morning was no different..

my father heard the chants and taunts and made up his mind that the show would be something for the record books.. he walked into the garage.. the cannon a mere 10 feet away.. and he would do a double dose of powder.. would that appease the crowd? maybe.. but my father was leaving nothing to chance.. he reaches into his golf bag and grabs a few golf balls.. i see this and decide to take action..

"what the hell ya gonna do with that?" i ask..

" what the hell ya think sally?" he retorts looking me in the eyes slowly puffing on his infamous cigar..

" do you really think that is smart?" i ask knowing the berating i will take..

"if i were smart i would have had two boys with balls instead of you two queens of the ball now wouldnt i?" he replies with a smirk..

now dear reader what i said next i knew as soon as i belched forth the words would end badly " well i might just go tell mom what your up to".. i spat out..

he slowly turns and walks to me.. pulls out his cigar and says " well why your at it..why dont ya latch back on to that teet she put away 15 years ago.. it might be the last one ya see".. he spins around with that damned cackle and heads to the cannon.. my sister.. i mean brother stood by quite.. he was scarred at this point in his life and wanted no part of the following drama.. cant say i blame him now..

my father now takes the golf balls and rolls them tightly in newspaper.. he rams them down the barrel with the crowd at his back.. the crowd is still unaware that my father has decided to "go live" with the festivities.. he rolls the cannon around to face our backyard which was about two acres long.. and grabs the lanyard in his hand.. and slowly looks at me.. he gives a smirk that only i knew meant "f@#$ off" in james world.. and slowly bent his wrist toward me in a "limp wristed" fashion as to insult my manhood.. he lets it rip...........

as the smoke clears nothing special is apparent.. some newspaper is lying in the grass on fire and smoldering.. but nothing out of the ordinary... i turn to my brother and say "i think he got lucky and the balls exploded and broke apart"... my brother "yeah.. could be" and we leave it at that..

the party continues. drinking.. eating.. more cannon shots.. more cheers.. the episode is basically forgotten...............until i hear a faint sound.. a familar sound.... hhhmmm.. firetrucks ?.. many of them.. i look to the back yard and i notice that the sound is coming from the neighborhood behind ours.. a few hundred yards in our back yard......... i listen... could it be? no way... my brother walks up behind me... we say no words.. we just look at one another... his eyes bulging... he then breaks the silence "do ya think?".. i cut him off "i dont think the balls could go that far intact".. he looks towards the sound "yeah.. your right"... but deep down dear reader i know james has struck again..

another 10 minutes pass... my father still slamming shots and yelling insults (really no different than it was july 3rd) is in the process of another load in his prize possession.. i notice coming up the street slowly is two state police cars.. i look at my brother and he looks as though his vagas nerve is going to make the command to launch breakfast.. i tell myself that it is not unusual for the police to stop by and watch.. why would this be any different? oh yeah.. because my insane father, who lacks any forethought and conscience, put live rounds into his toy.. forgot.. they pull into the drive... the drunken crowd starts to boo fearing that they are going to shut down the festivities.....

my father stands there.. in his driveway defiant.. like braveheart staring down the english.. he slowly pulls the cigar from his mouth.. squinting as only he and eastwood could do.. now dear reader the following dialogue could not be wrtten any better if quinton tarintino did it himself...

"what can i do for you boys.. i have a permit.. and the show must go on"... my father says with a tad bit of annoyance..

"hello there doc.. hope your having a good time" replies the officer with a ample smile and demeanor..

" well.. we are having a great time.. if you boys care to watch their is chilli on the patio.. if that is your intention" my father says with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.. the crowd still voicing their displeasure..

the officer walks towards my dad still smiling.. he is willing to carry on the game of verbal chess... "doc, you arent shooting anything out of the cannon are ya?" hands on hips and still looking as though he is seeing his first bike under the tree at christmas.. cool as they come.. not his first rodeo..

my father.. with his tell- tale squint slowly takes a puff out of his cigar .. stone faced he replies "well now officer.. that would be illegal now wouldnt it?" never taking his eyes off the officer.. the stare down was brilliant.. my brother and i were mesmerized.. who would take the day?

the officer slowly reaches into his vest and pulls from it what appears to be a charcoal briquet.. he puts it right in front of my fathers face and asks oh so politely " would this happen to be yours doc?"

my father still has not taken his eyes off the officers eyes.. he was going for the act of intimidation.. brilliant.. not working but brilliant..

" i cant say that i have ever seen that before... looks like a lump of charcoal .. why you ask?" he says still holding out to the last.. a lesser man would have broke.. read on..

" you telling me doc you have not idea who this belongs too?" the officer says still with that toothy grin.. does he know something? or is he trying to get my father to break? this is intense!!!!

" that is exactly what i am saying.. sargent is it?" .. he says a bit annoyed..

the officer still holding the charred remains in his hand slowly turns the briquet to show my father that the other side is not charred... myfather is not looking but still staring at the officer...

"doc.. is that your name inprinted on this ball?"

CHECKMATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what ever would my father say? even the master of deception surely can get his way out of this.. would he drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness? would he throw himself on the mercy of the officer.. surely the time for cockiness is over??? right???

a slow smirk comes over his face and he replies "so.. how much damage did i do?" ...WHAT?!!??!?! thats it?.. no remorse.. nothing!?!? "how much damage did i do?"... the man is brilliant..

"well it went through a residence window and lodged in her wall catching it on fire in her den".. the officer replies now annoyed at my fathers lack of concern..

my father turns and looks in the direction of the house in question.. and with the tell tale smirk says "huh.. who would have thought it would go that far? " i am shocked at the lack of concern.. but not really.. he then turns to the officer and says "i think that was a titlest.. good ball"...... PART 2 TOMORROW...
 
haha,great bro
 
You seem like a well balanced guy with no apparent mental problems, LATS. Miracle. :D:p;)
 
Hahah, that was great Lats. Looking forward to Part II :D
 
Hahah oh man.

Greatness!

We seem to have a few things in common Lats!
 
Funny LATS, I never knew that James "Whitey" Bulger had a son.:D
 
I have an Irish Genius Physicist Father myself.

Lats, your story is really depressing to me. As a 48 year old father myself, each year it becomes only more incomprehensible how my genius, sociopathic father raised me.

All we can do is try to raise our children differently. As I bet you will agree, there is nothing funny about your story. Peace to you.
 
ya know triathloncoach.. here is the funny thing.. after all the pranks and misdeeds he did my family and i still laugh our asses off now at what he did.. he truly was a unique.. he was a genius but you would not know it ;).. he was a very well known archeologist here in the states.. along with maintaining his medical practice.. we were so used to the oddities that we felt that everyone elses father was boring..lol

my friends loved to come over and see "doc".. even though they knew someone was "gonna get hurt".. the oddity was that he was so revered by those in the community and his grandchildren.. with them he was very different..i had 4 sisters and they were his "pink and whites".. he treated them with kid gloves.. my brother and i were a different story..lol

he had 30 grandchildren before he died and they worshipped him to no end.. we ahad a large home and all 30 would stay for 4 days at christmas.. he had a old gentleman come as santa and give out presents and he did his best to keep the mystique alive for them.. but he also liked to party and hard.. and having about 6-7 irish immigrant friends in town did not help any lol..

to this day i have old guys come into my store and when they see the name tag they ask "are you jimmies boy?"... and when i say yes they always have a story.. "your father was a wild sum bitch" is not that uncommon... i like to say that he had many "layers"..lol

to give example of his name in the community.. when he died we had 1500 people attend the wake and service.. the priest started out by saying "we are here today to see james off.. he had no problem telling this old priest the most filthy jokes and yet i still laughed".. the service broke into laughter.. he had no bounderies lol.. we had so many folks come to us and tell us that he would take vegetable and arrowheads as payments for his services.. or not charge at all.. we had no idea.. one very old black man came in and just went up to the casket and placed 20 dollars in it.. i asked him "what was that for" he said said "i owe that to him for 5 years.. he was teh only one that would take care of me and only charged me 20 dollars.. i told him i did not have it and he he told me if i ever get it just bring it by.. he still looked after me all these years when i had trouble"... i told him to take the money as jim had no intention of taking it anyway.. he teared up and shook my hand but stayed in front of the casket for another 5 minutes.. never did get his name.. but that happened all day..

so he was a oddity.. today all his events just make us laugh.. the grandkids still worship him.. and the people in this town still laugh and shake their head at what he would do and say.. but many remember him as a giving and selfless guy but just did not want many to know that.. he was a bit complexed to say the least.. AND YES, I HAVE STORIES THAT PUT THIS ONE TO SHAME..:eek:
 
Now that's a story right there, now hurry up and finish it :D

Sounds like one of those guys I would have loved to meet.
 
I lol. Haha dude I felt like I was watching a movie reading that. Good stuff man.
 
PART 2....

now .. where were we.. oh yes.. james was in a bit of legal trouble but as always he did not see it that way..

he turned to the officer and asked "so... am i in any trouble?".. now he did this so nonchalant that it took the officer back a bit..

"well... lets see doc.. you loaded a artillery piece with a round.." my father interrupts..

"well.. with all due respect i would not say it was a round.. it was a titlest.. i was shot at plenty of times in ww2 and i wish they used golf balls"..

the officer at this point is trying not to laugh or show frustration.. but he was near his breaking point.. " doc.. if you put anything in that cannon besides a blank it is considered to be a firearm.. understand?"

my father takes a drag off the cigar and with a stern face and a squint he was known for says.. ever so serious.. "so if i shove two pounds of dog shit in that cannon it is considered to be a deadly weapon?.. just curious .. sargent is it?"...

the pfficer puts his hands on his hips and bows his head .. shaking it from side to side.. verbal chess match is in full rematch..

" doc.. you know what ya did was wrong.. dont be difficult" he blurts out.. jimmie has him frustrated.. he moves in for the kill..

"so.. poo is the same as cannon shot in the eyes of the law.. interesting".. he then turns to the crowd which is still booing the poor men of law enforcement.. he raises his hand to his mouth and yells " any one here have to take a bowel movement..? it is strictly for scientific research"... the crowd yells and numerous people retort that yes, they do have to take a bm and will gladly donate...

the cop at this point looks at me and my brother.. he is trying not to show any signs of humor but is starting to crack.. "can either of you boys get through to him the severity of this issue?"

i feel the need to step in.. it was a folly move.. to this very day i dont know what i was thinking.. a tumor maybe.. hard to say.. but i would regret it none the less..

"dad.. dont make it worse.. they are just doing their job.. i know you are having your fun but i warned ya about that golf ball"... holy shit.. did i just lecture james..? i actually heard the air leave my brothers lungs in a audible gasp... was july 4th to be my day to cease to exist?

my father looked at me and then moved his 5foot 3 frame towards me.. i swore to this day he became 5'5... he got within a few inches of me and said .. ever so quitely " so my boy.. you know best do ya? you know more than your old man do ya?"

and as god is my witness i could not help myself .. i leaned into his ear and said "well.. these fine gentleman would not be taking you to the pokey if you would have listened to my dumb ass.. now would they ?" now at this time i truly expected to die.. so i might as well get a dig in while my heart still was beating..

my father looked at me and gave a hint of a smile "well now.. maybe you have finally let go of your mothers teet once and for all.." he slowly turned to walk to the officer but stopped himself.. he then walked up to my brother and got just as close..

"well now.. at least one of my boys ended up with some testosterone.. you have pissed yourself today now havent you?" he turned to walk away and my brother looks at me bugged eyed.. "what the hell did i do?" i busted out laughing...

my father approaches the officer.. now was the time to show his political savvy.. time to "work the crowd" so to speak.. "so now.. before i do anything i would like to see the house and women in question so as to pay my respects and apologize for my ill behavior".. oh this will be good.. he is up to something..

at this point my mother is aware that something is up and comes out of the kitchen.. i see her and the look that i have seen so many times in my life.. it is not so much a pissed off look.. it is more of a "i want him dead" stare that only my mother could do.. she had plenty of practice..

"what in gods green earth did he do now?" she said glaring at me as if i had something to do with it..

"well.. dad put something in the cannon and it went and burned up a house in the neighborhood across the creek and .." she cuts me off..

" that irresponsible idiot.. once again he has to ruin a good time and show his stupidity"... she then says " is his stupid ass going to jail or will he get his way out of it again?.. i am not going to do this party on my own"...

i said "well.. he is working on it.. but he may have finally done himself in.. this is some serious stuff"..

she stares at me and i notice that the officer and jimmie are heading toward his car "for god sakes go with him.." she yells.. like i can do anything.. i run to the car and said " mom is major pissed"..

my father turns to look at her and she is shooting him a look that could turn shit to stone.. "well.. she does look a wee bit pissed.. what did ya tell her?" he asks..

"i told her what ya did".. i said... he looks at me and said "did ya try and sugar coat it a bit?"

"no.. i just told her the situation" i replied.. he gets in the car and turns to me.. "dumbass"... the crowd is booing as they see their savior being taken away... he leans out the door and yells "i will return.. keep drinking"... a well thought out retort :rolleyes:

we arrive a few minutes later at a home that appears to have 2 firetrucks and a few police standing around.. no smoke that i can see and i figure that maybe.. just maybe.. the damage is not as bad as my mind was picturing..

there appears to be a lady in a robe standing in the driveway talking to police... as my father gets out of the car she, with a look of fury i shall not soon forget, speedwalks to my father....

"are you that god damn stupid doctor?.. i could have been killed".. she says not more than a foot from my fathers face...

my father without wasting anytime and under the influence of liquid courage takes his cigar out of his mouth and calmly says " well.. you appear very much alive to me"...

"well no thanks to you.. do you know what it is like to be sitting in your den drinking your morning coffee and have a ball of fire crash through your window and almost take down a wall..?"

my father.. ever so cooly and with the arrogance he was known for replies " well madam.. i rarely ever point my cannon at my own home".. he then looks at me with a frown and shake of his head "what kinda of silly question is that?".. he asks in my direction.. this was not going to go well..

the police broke up the "conversation" at this point and led my father to the den.. the lady of residence was not far behind.. we walk into the den and the smoke was still in the air and one could plainly see the crashed window and large hole in the den wall.. the wall partially burned..

my father takes a puff of his cigar .. "i dont allow smokers in my house" the lady yells at my father..

"well.. it is a bit late for that madam" he retorts.. this brings a muffled laughter from the police and firemen in the hallway.. "gentleman.. may i talk with the lady of the house in private?" my father asks... this should be good.. i will stick around in case she decides to assault the little celt..

the police leave assuring her that they would be just outside in the hall way.."madam.. i see that this den of your is a bit outdated.. it could really use a touch up.. dont you agree?"

the lady is insulted and visably upset "you sir. are a rude man.. my home is not outdate"..

my father looks around it and without saying a word has a look on his face that to her belies the fact that he does not believe her.. "either way mam'.. i bet you would like to do some home decor in this room.. it appear they used little water and with a good contractor this den of your could really be something".. he now raises a eyebrow letting her know his intentions.."dont you agree?"

she crosses her arms and says "well.. one could always do something different i guess"... oh my god.. he actually has her on the hook.. i am mesmerized.. the master is back...

he pulls out his checkbook..oh crap.. a bribe.. i look around for the police.. none to be seen.. "madam.. i could write you a check.. but that would be insulting to you.. why dont i have my contractor come by your house in a few days and look a round.. you tell him what you would like to do to the den and he will give me the bill.. it is the least i could do for the pain i have caused"... he then as a gesture of capitulation takes his beret off and holds it against his chest.. now i am a bit ill withthe over the top move but she seems to be eating it up.. "but if we do this.. this is the end of it.. understand?" he says sternly.. she agrees..

my father then walks out of the room past the police officers "gentleman we have come to a agreement.. all is good in the world again.. take me to my house for i have guests that need to be entertained"...

the officers look confused .. one looks at the lady and says with a question in his voice "mam'?".. she says "it is all right"..

as my father walks to toward the squad car the police officer says "doc.. this does not excuse you for what you did.. there is till the matter of the round put in the cannon"...

"ah yes.. the projectile as you put it.. is there a fine?" the officer said yes and other charges could be added..

"well sargent.. if you must take me downtown do so now so i can post bail and get out to get back to my guests.. if there is a fine then hand me a ticket.. either way i am loosing my drunk.. and i dont want to be the only sober one at my own party"...

the officer looks at the ground and starts to laugh.. "doc.. you are one of a kind.. i am truly at a loss what to do with you"..

my father looks at him and says "do what the other police officers in this town do.. let me get away with murder and come to my partys.. it is much simpler relationship then"... he then winks at the officer... (this officer came to my father funeral many years later.. he walked by me and shook my hand.. didnt say a word and just shook his head and laughed..)

we went back to a rousing applause of the guests.. my father went straight back to his cannon.. my mother asked what this would cost us.. i told her the bill will come later.. she just shook her head and went back to making more chilli..

later that morning my father was standing next to the cannon for one last fire.. the crowd, more drunk than ever, was loud as they could be.. i noticed my father had a golf ball in his hand.. rolling it around..

"absolutely not.. dont be so arrogant to do it again" i said sternly to him.. not even fearing his retort by this time..

he looked at me with that tell tale smirk.. "oh hell no.. " he then started out toward a empty pasture further to the east "next time ill point it that way"...:cool:
 
Been a while since I laughed like that:D
 
Lats, did you write the story a few years ago about the kids demolitioning themselves on the bikes/skateboards while you were on your deck, etc?

That was also an amazing story. Can you republish for a second read, or for those who have yet to read it?

And from what I can remember, the father in that story had more than a trace of James DNA.
 
lol.. yes.. i have had a few emails about that story.. i will bump it again... i am glad you enjoyed it..;)
 
i just had milk come outta my nose!! AHHAHAHAHAHAAHA
 

Staff online

  • rAJJIN
    Moderator / FOUNDING Member
  • Big A
    IFBB PRO/NPC JUDGE/Administrator

Forum statistics

Total page views
557,593,800
Threads
135,632
Messages
2,764,795
Members
160,289
Latest member
GhostriderTX
NapsGear
HGH Power Store email banner
your-raws
Prowrist straps store banner
infinity
FLASHING-BOTTOM-BANNER-210x131
raws
Savage Labs Store email
Syntherol Site Enhancing Oil Synthol
aqpharma
yourmuscleshop210x131
hulabs
ezgif-com-resize-2-1
MA Research Chem store banner
MA Supps Store Banner
volartek
Keytech banner
musclechem
Godbullraw-bottom-banner
Injection Instructions for beginners
Knight Labs store email banner
3
ashp131
YMS-210x131-V02
Back
Top