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- Joined
- Jul 7, 2008
- Messages
- 20
I'm 41. Raised in a terrible home, all the types of abuse occurred. Heavy alcoholism in the family. Home was chaotic and very scary. My childhood sucked big time. I turned to drugs and alcohol in my teens and was a heavy abuser of alcohol in my late teens/early 20's.
At the age of 19 I had a traumatic experience that kind of triggered a PTSD response and I strongly felt like I needed a psychiatrist, but due to the manner in which I was raised I didn't trust human beings (think: stray dog that has been kicked, beaten, etc at random by it's former owners... you put your hand out with a nice juicy steak but the dog will starl and it will bite you if you come too close...it can't trust people. Well that was me) so I didn't seek professional help. I delved into psychology and social psychiatry books as a means of self help.
I slowly started to get better and learned the hardest lesson of my life.... that even though I didn't deserve any of the abuse or neglect, even though I was very screwed up..and by the people put on earth to protect and love me and teach me how to live...that all of the wreakage that was within me...even though none of it was my fault, it was all 100% my responsiblity to do the best I could to fix it (me). That was a hard nut to swallow. I hated my parents and that transferred to me hating the world. But deep down it was victim mentality. So I started to learn how to change.
Eventually I did see a counselor and then got on some depression meds. I also stopped drinking before that with the help of a residential program (mostly because I had no life skills, I was only an intermittent alcohol abuser at that time) and AA and the 12 steps (not for everyone, I don't participate any longer...but it's free and I was able to participate in a passive way which was great for me as people scared me and I didnt' trust them so I could sit and listen).
I have been off and on depression meds for the past decade. I turned to sex addiction and then to food addiction as well.
My PCP kinda sucked (he was out of a public hospital I went to when I was briefly homeless before going into the residential program for alcohol recovery...and i was sober when I became homeless. My parents kicked me out because after I went to a program following a drunk driving conviction I stopped playing the role of the family scapegoat. I started confronting my mothers emotional incest and it really shook up our family (for those that know of disfunctional families, when one person stops playing their role, the others get extremely uncomfortable) so they showed me the door. I had no job, no skills (job or life), and no money.
Ironically, that was the second best lesson I ever learned in my life. Sink or swim.
Fast forward 15 years:
Last summer I weighed 295lbs at 6'2". I was pretty hopeless and not on meds at that time and basically believed I would be fat for the rest of my life. My cholesterol was like 268.
Now the good part:
January of this year I became inspired to improve my health. I went on a keto diet (didn't know it by that name at the time and didn't eat healthy fats...but dropped a quick 30lbs.) I had also recently gotten a new PCP who is very good, he was inspiring. I got back on anti depressants like 6 months prior. Then i started reading about nutrition and started learning the basics, well the updated version of the basics as i knew about 3 balanced meals from childhood but didn't follow that.
I got interested in changing my health and my body. I changed from the keto-esque diet to a more balanced one, with several small meals/day. I also became interested in weight lifting and steroids and began reading about them too. My mood improved greatly as did my energy (from the wt loss, better diet, and having the positive hobby about learning about how to take care of my health.... and having hope that I could get thin again.
I started talking a few supplements and started doing some lightish working out with dumbbells. I did that for a few months before stagnating/relapsing into not lifting, my eating slipped a little but not a lot. I just couldn't break below the 245lb mark. I would get there and go back up to 255lbs and bounce between the low 250's.
I started taking a few more health supplements and decided to run a cycle of anavar. I also looked into T3 and clen and got those too. I started the T3 at a low dose and more importantly started cardio. I also further improved my diet which is now very clean (with occasional slips/cheat meals).
I've been doing cardio 6 days/wk on a stationary bike building myself up from 6 minutes at level 4 to 50minutes at level 6. I lost another 15lbs in the past 3 weeks at about 235lbs now. The T3 is stopped and I"m using clen.
I got a pretty comprehensive lab workup and my cholesterol is at 136!!! I couldn't believe it. Heart attacks run in my family and at an early age so this is a Godsend.
With that news I decided to start an anavar cycle I had wanted to do to enhance my wt loss and tighten up my mid section. I started yesterday at 39mg/day divided into three 13mg doses. I'm eating clean and feeling happy and feeling good on a consisent basis over the past month or so for really the first time in my entire life!
I"m going to monitor my lipid panels on the cycle and am taking liver support and going to cycle in benadryl with the clen. Best of all is the cardio. I never thought I would be doing cardio and I'm doing 50min/day 6 days/wk!
I understand the connection between nutrition, rest, and building muscular hypertropy now, as a teen I lifted briefly but quickly gave it up b/c of lack of results...had no clue about the diet connection.
Now my goal is to get in the best possible shape I can. I'd like to build a body that is in the top 1% of guys my age. More importantly I want to be healthy on the inside and feel good and live a long and healthy life from here on out.
I haven't read anything in this forum yet but think that it's great that it's here! Just wanted to share my experience. Believe me, if I can change, anyone can. Last year I was a morbidly obese depressed middle aged man on the fast track to a heart attack with no fun and no joy or even any contentment in his life. Nothing to look forward to.
Today my future looks bright. I'm gonna get that six pack that I have always wanted since I was a teenager. I'm gonna get in good physical shape outside and get my cardio health in the best shape I can. I'm actually loving life a good portion of the time today. That is truely a mericle!
I look forward to reading some of the threads in this forum and my continued progress on improving my life with the help of bro's in forums like this, I din't think I would be accepted in the first couple forums I joined b/c I was fat.
I have pics posted in a cycle thread in another forum and when I'm done with my cycle I'll post up my 'way before' (last summer), 'before' (last month) pics along with my yet to be taken pics in about 11-12 weeks when I"m done with the cycle.
I have also been taken to task for running a cycle this soon over and over at other forums, if you feel you must, go ahead and blast me. But at 41 I want to accelerate my progress some so I can enjoy a decent body. It's not like I'm choking down dbols and jacking myself with tren and I do eat a clean diet and am doing a lot of cardio.
In closing, it is very generous for professional clinicians to participate in a forum like this to help others. You have my most humble respect!
And for those that feel they need any kind of help, I have found that there are many, many people in the world willing to give it, if only we be honest about our problems and ask for the help. I happen to be one of those people, not a licensed clinician but I do work in the field and take great pleasure in helping severely mentally ill adults get hope and work towards recovery over their problems.
Thanks for letting me share. Best wishes to all.
At the age of 19 I had a traumatic experience that kind of triggered a PTSD response and I strongly felt like I needed a psychiatrist, but due to the manner in which I was raised I didn't trust human beings (think: stray dog that has been kicked, beaten, etc at random by it's former owners... you put your hand out with a nice juicy steak but the dog will starl and it will bite you if you come too close...it can't trust people. Well that was me) so I didn't seek professional help. I delved into psychology and social psychiatry books as a means of self help.
I slowly started to get better and learned the hardest lesson of my life.... that even though I didn't deserve any of the abuse or neglect, even though I was very screwed up..and by the people put on earth to protect and love me and teach me how to live...that all of the wreakage that was within me...even though none of it was my fault, it was all 100% my responsiblity to do the best I could to fix it (me). That was a hard nut to swallow. I hated my parents and that transferred to me hating the world. But deep down it was victim mentality. So I started to learn how to change.
Eventually I did see a counselor and then got on some depression meds. I also stopped drinking before that with the help of a residential program (mostly because I had no life skills, I was only an intermittent alcohol abuser at that time) and AA and the 12 steps (not for everyone, I don't participate any longer...but it's free and I was able to participate in a passive way which was great for me as people scared me and I didnt' trust them so I could sit and listen).
I have been off and on depression meds for the past decade. I turned to sex addiction and then to food addiction as well.
My PCP kinda sucked (he was out of a public hospital I went to when I was briefly homeless before going into the residential program for alcohol recovery...and i was sober when I became homeless. My parents kicked me out because after I went to a program following a drunk driving conviction I stopped playing the role of the family scapegoat. I started confronting my mothers emotional incest and it really shook up our family (for those that know of disfunctional families, when one person stops playing their role, the others get extremely uncomfortable) so they showed me the door. I had no job, no skills (job or life), and no money.
Ironically, that was the second best lesson I ever learned in my life. Sink or swim.
Fast forward 15 years:
Last summer I weighed 295lbs at 6'2". I was pretty hopeless and not on meds at that time and basically believed I would be fat for the rest of my life. My cholesterol was like 268.
Now the good part:
January of this year I became inspired to improve my health. I went on a keto diet (didn't know it by that name at the time and didn't eat healthy fats...but dropped a quick 30lbs.) I had also recently gotten a new PCP who is very good, he was inspiring. I got back on anti depressants like 6 months prior. Then i started reading about nutrition and started learning the basics, well the updated version of the basics as i knew about 3 balanced meals from childhood but didn't follow that.
I got interested in changing my health and my body. I changed from the keto-esque diet to a more balanced one, with several small meals/day. I also became interested in weight lifting and steroids and began reading about them too. My mood improved greatly as did my energy (from the wt loss, better diet, and having the positive hobby about learning about how to take care of my health.... and having hope that I could get thin again.
I started talking a few supplements and started doing some lightish working out with dumbbells. I did that for a few months before stagnating/relapsing into not lifting, my eating slipped a little but not a lot. I just couldn't break below the 245lb mark. I would get there and go back up to 255lbs and bounce between the low 250's.
I started taking a few more health supplements and decided to run a cycle of anavar. I also looked into T3 and clen and got those too. I started the T3 at a low dose and more importantly started cardio. I also further improved my diet which is now very clean (with occasional slips/cheat meals).
I've been doing cardio 6 days/wk on a stationary bike building myself up from 6 minutes at level 4 to 50minutes at level 6. I lost another 15lbs in the past 3 weeks at about 235lbs now. The T3 is stopped and I"m using clen.
I got a pretty comprehensive lab workup and my cholesterol is at 136!!! I couldn't believe it. Heart attacks run in my family and at an early age so this is a Godsend.
With that news I decided to start an anavar cycle I had wanted to do to enhance my wt loss and tighten up my mid section. I started yesterday at 39mg/day divided into three 13mg doses. I'm eating clean and feeling happy and feeling good on a consisent basis over the past month or so for really the first time in my entire life!
I"m going to monitor my lipid panels on the cycle and am taking liver support and going to cycle in benadryl with the clen. Best of all is the cardio. I never thought I would be doing cardio and I'm doing 50min/day 6 days/wk!
I understand the connection between nutrition, rest, and building muscular hypertropy now, as a teen I lifted briefly but quickly gave it up b/c of lack of results...had no clue about the diet connection.
Now my goal is to get in the best possible shape I can. I'd like to build a body that is in the top 1% of guys my age. More importantly I want to be healthy on the inside and feel good and live a long and healthy life from here on out.
I haven't read anything in this forum yet but think that it's great that it's here! Just wanted to share my experience. Believe me, if I can change, anyone can. Last year I was a morbidly obese depressed middle aged man on the fast track to a heart attack with no fun and no joy or even any contentment in his life. Nothing to look forward to.
Today my future looks bright. I'm gonna get that six pack that I have always wanted since I was a teenager. I'm gonna get in good physical shape outside and get my cardio health in the best shape I can. I'm actually loving life a good portion of the time today. That is truely a mericle!
I look forward to reading some of the threads in this forum and my continued progress on improving my life with the help of bro's in forums like this, I din't think I would be accepted in the first couple forums I joined b/c I was fat.
I have pics posted in a cycle thread in another forum and when I'm done with my cycle I'll post up my 'way before' (last summer), 'before' (last month) pics along with my yet to be taken pics in about 11-12 weeks when I"m done with the cycle.
I have also been taken to task for running a cycle this soon over and over at other forums, if you feel you must, go ahead and blast me. But at 41 I want to accelerate my progress some so I can enjoy a decent body. It's not like I'm choking down dbols and jacking myself with tren and I do eat a clean diet and am doing a lot of cardio.
In closing, it is very generous for professional clinicians to participate in a forum like this to help others. You have my most humble respect!
And for those that feel they need any kind of help, I have found that there are many, many people in the world willing to give it, if only we be honest about our problems and ask for the help. I happen to be one of those people, not a licensed clinician but I do work in the field and take great pleasure in helping severely mentally ill adults get hope and work towards recovery over their problems.
Thanks for letting me share. Best wishes to all.
