- Joined
- Aug 22, 2009
- Messages
- 107
Every day in my life I struggle to hang one. I suppose its it may sound pathetic but the gym and training is all that I have in life.
Let me give you some background. I am 48 and take care of my sick mom.
But let's go back further. When I was growing up I was always the guy that was ridiculed and picked on and beaten up. I hated going to shool every day. I never had friends.
I later got cardiomyopathy which is a weakened heart muscle. Then I had a pacemaker and defibrillator put in. I never went to college so I work a job in an office making about $27K a year. I always lived at home.
At this point in time I discovered the gym. It was hard first but as soon as I started putting on muscle my confidence grew. Then my father died and I assumed taking care of my mother and as the year's went by her health declined and now I pretty much do everything for her and the house. My brother skiped out and there is no other family to help me.
I still don't have friends except for my trainer. He became a friend and he doesn't charge me much to train cause he knows I don't have much money. I don't have any significant relationships, go to dinner or movies, I never take vacations.
I get up leave the house and go to the gym, then I go to work and then I go right home. On weekends I run errands, grocery shop, cook, clean the house and do laundry. At night I spend all my time on bodybuilding web sites and forums.
I am depressed a lot cause I see other people so happy but I deal with it. I want to die but I won't take my life on account of my mother. But I do know when I do die I will go straight to heaven for I have done my suffering here on earth and have earned my place in paradise. I am religious and I do go to Church.
As my training progressed I got interested in bodybuilding and always wanted to compete. The reason I want to compete is to inspire other people who have medical problems to get in shape. That dream will not come true now.
In November my cervical spine acted up again and my left arm is weak. It will always be that way now. To correct it would require surgery and I can't do it cause I can't be laid up.
It's been a devastating time for me. Why would God take the only thing I have away from me. Can't he see all the good that I do for my mom. Why must he always make me suffer. I know your gonna say God only gives you what you can handle but I am tired.
I've given it a lot of thought and I decided not to give up the gym and will continue to push on and work out. It's all that I have to hold on to. I can still train legs and back. I can do shoulders but no pressing. Bicep training is fine. But tri's and chest I will be using the baby weights. My tri's and chest will probably shrink.
I know a lot of you are going to say I need to get a life and get out more. Believe me my trainer has tried that. He always wants me to hang onto hope, that this is only temporary. But I've been doing it for 12 years now.
I also have a jealousy problem with my trainer. Believe me he's a great guy and would do anything for me, he even offered me an apartment. But he is good looking and has a great physique and awesome girlfriend. Great job and owns his own gym. It hurts cause I want what he has. I know it's wrong to think like that but I am only human.
I probably should be on depression medication but I can't talk to a doctor about this. When people see me they see the happy me they would never believe all this.
Is it wrong to only have the gym in my life. I don't even know why I wrote this other then it feels good to get it off my chest. No one needs to respond to me I just needed to vent.
But if you can say a prayer that freedom and happiness finds me soon.
Let me give you some background. I am 48 and take care of my sick mom.
But let's go back further. When I was growing up I was always the guy that was ridiculed and picked on and beaten up. I hated going to shool every day. I never had friends.
I later got cardiomyopathy which is a weakened heart muscle. Then I had a pacemaker and defibrillator put in. I never went to college so I work a job in an office making about $27K a year. I always lived at home.
At this point in time I discovered the gym. It was hard first but as soon as I started putting on muscle my confidence grew. Then my father died and I assumed taking care of my mother and as the year's went by her health declined and now I pretty much do everything for her and the house. My brother skiped out and there is no other family to help me.
I still don't have friends except for my trainer. He became a friend and he doesn't charge me much to train cause he knows I don't have much money. I don't have any significant relationships, go to dinner or movies, I never take vacations.
I get up leave the house and go to the gym, then I go to work and then I go right home. On weekends I run errands, grocery shop, cook, clean the house and do laundry. At night I spend all my time on bodybuilding web sites and forums.
I am depressed a lot cause I see other people so happy but I deal with it. I want to die but I won't take my life on account of my mother. But I do know when I do die I will go straight to heaven for I have done my suffering here on earth and have earned my place in paradise. I am religious and I do go to Church.
As my training progressed I got interested in bodybuilding and always wanted to compete. The reason I want to compete is to inspire other people who have medical problems to get in shape. That dream will not come true now.
In November my cervical spine acted up again and my left arm is weak. It will always be that way now. To correct it would require surgery and I can't do it cause I can't be laid up.
It's been a devastating time for me. Why would God take the only thing I have away from me. Can't he see all the good that I do for my mom. Why must he always make me suffer. I know your gonna say God only gives you what you can handle but I am tired.
I've given it a lot of thought and I decided not to give up the gym and will continue to push on and work out. It's all that I have to hold on to. I can still train legs and back. I can do shoulders but no pressing. Bicep training is fine. But tri's and chest I will be using the baby weights. My tri's and chest will probably shrink.
I know a lot of you are going to say I need to get a life and get out more. Believe me my trainer has tried that. He always wants me to hang onto hope, that this is only temporary. But I've been doing it for 12 years now.
I also have a jealousy problem with my trainer. Believe me he's a great guy and would do anything for me, he even offered me an apartment. But he is good looking and has a great physique and awesome girlfriend. Great job and owns his own gym. It hurts cause I want what he has. I know it's wrong to think like that but I am only human.
I probably should be on depression medication but I can't talk to a doctor about this. When people see me they see the happy me they would never believe all this.
Is it wrong to only have the gym in my life. I don't even know why I wrote this other then it feels good to get it off my chest. No one needs to respond to me I just needed to vent.
But if you can say a prayer that freedom and happiness finds me soon.