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Unhealthy patterns after breakup

AVelasques911

New member
Registered
Joined
Apr 2, 2016
Messages
161
Went through a very tough breakup last year. I was at fault. I was with a really decent person who wanted a family-oriented life, which is what I've always wanted, but around the time before I met her I had gotten involved with a very different crowd and had gotten accustomed to going out, drinking, staying out late at bars etc. She was actually really understanding of this, told me she couldn't do these things because she was a mom, but if it made me happy that she understood. I took this and ran with it, figuring she'd put up with it forever. Well, sure enough, eventually she told me she could tell I wanted something else that she couldn't give me and she had to let me go.

We went through the initial, kind of awkward, talking about it stages. Then just broke off contact for a while. Sometime earlier this year she began messaging me out of the blue, at first just asking how I was, then sometimes just sending me a song she thought i'd like, or even as far as an old pic of us etc. It seems as time has passed some of her walls slowly have started to break down, but there's still a lot of resistance and I know she's still very hurt..... I've occasionally brought up the idea of hanging out and she kind of just shuts down for a few days then messages me again. She's hot and cold, sometimes will get a bit pouty if I don't reply or am too short with her etc., other times she'll be very flirty.

I don't know if this is just her way of dealing with it all or if we are slowly starting to heal the wounds. Right now, I'm more focused on me.....

See, after the breakup I noticed I started having a lot of libido issues out of nowhere. I kinda blamed it on TRT but my bloodwork is perfect. I kind of got into serial dating mode but had a really hard time when it came time for sex.

I was really reflecting today and I realized, I've dated a lot of women since, and not one date have I really enjoyed. I mean, some were fun to just you know, get out and do something. But I didn't even really want to be there, and I think this was really the cause of my libido issues. That not only am I still hurting, but I'm dating/sleeping with people I don't even really like or care about.

It's difficult for me because I'm a loner, I don't enjoy hanging out with the guys at all. I don't have family close by either. My partners and their families have always been who I spent time, where I spent holidays etc.

So now I find myself in this place where I'm kind of just alone. I mean if I want I can have a few dates lined up this week, but I'm realizing I don't even want to. I know the usual advice is to get over a woman, get under another one, and in the past it's always worked but this time it's not doing a thing.

Curious if anyone has been through a longer period where they just stopped dating completely. I'll admit I am lonely, this person meant a lot to me and I acted in ways that were not like me at all, and my natural reaction is to just go out and sleep around but, literally, my body won't even cooperate with me this time. I can still go out, have drinks, but like I said I'm not even enjoying a minute of it. It sucks because I feel pretty alone but I'm wondering if what I need is to just be by myself for some time. Like I said I don't really have male friends, I like to do my own thing, so maybe just set some new goals, fitness wise, maybe compete, or concentrate my energy on something else for now?
 

ThaiMilkTea

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Newbies
Joined
Jul 7, 2018
Messages
9
i know the feeling man... broke up with my girl 2 weeks ago... my sex drive is down. i was having sex with another girl from tinder and i couldnt get hard. it was weird. also the thought of my ex being with another man is making me more crazy. i saw her on tinder. and i know how that is for a girl.. messages from 50 diff guys asking her to go out this weekend... obviously she will go out with 1 of them... and most likely bang them.. completely tares me up to think of this... but thats why i broke up with her.. shes a little whore.
 
Last edited:

saffire

Well-known member
Kilo Klub Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 3, 2014
Messages
1,315
Went through a very tough breakup last year. I was at fault. I was with a really decent person who wanted a family-oriented life, which is what I've always wanted, but around the time before I met her I had gotten involved with a very different crowd and had gotten accustomed to going out, drinking, staying out late at bars etc. She was actually really understanding of this, told me she couldn't do these things because she was a mom, but if it made me happy that she understood. I took this and ran with it, figuring she'd put up with it forever. Well, sure enough, eventually she told me she could tell I wanted something else that she couldn't give me and she had to let me go.

We went through the initial, kind of awkward, talking about it stages. Then just broke off contact for a while. Sometime earlier this year she began messaging me out of the blue, at first just asking how I was, then sometimes just sending me a song she thought i'd like, or even as far as an old pic of us etc. It seems as time has passed some of her walls slowly have started to break down, but there's still a lot of resistance and I know she's still very hurt..... I've occasionally brought up the idea of hanging out and she kind of just shuts down for a few days then messages me again. She's hot and cold, sometimes will get a bit pouty if I don't reply or am too short with her etc., other times she'll be very flirty.

I don't know if this is just her way of dealing with it all or if we are slowly starting to heal the wounds. Right now, I'm more focused on me.....

See, after the breakup I noticed I started having a lot of libido issues out of nowhere. I kinda blamed it on TRT but my bloodwork is perfect. I kind of got into serial dating mode but had a really hard time when it came time for sex.

I was really reflecting today and I realized, I've dated a lot of women since, and not one date have I really enjoyed. I mean, some were fun to just you know, get out and do something. But I didn't even really want to be there, and I think this was really the cause of my libido issues. That not only am I still hurting, but I'm dating/sleeping with people I don't even really like or care about.

It's difficult for me because I'm a loner, I don't enjoy hanging out with the guys at all. I don't have family close by either. My partners and their families have always been who I spent time, where I spent holidays etc.

So now I find myself in this place where I'm kind of just alone. I mean if I want I can have a few dates lined up this week, but I'm realizing I don't even want to. I know the usual advice is to get over a woman, get under another one, and in the past it's always worked but this time it's not doing a thing.

Curious if anyone has been through a longer period where they just stopped dating completely. I'll admit I am lonely, this person meant a lot to me and I acted in ways that were not like me at all, and my natural reaction is to just go out and sleep around but, literally, my body won't even cooperate with me this time. I can still go out, have drinks, but like I said I'm not even enjoying a minute of it. It sucks because I feel pretty alone but I'm wondering if what I need is to just be by myself for some time. Like I said I don't really have male friends, I like to do my own thing, so maybe just set some new goals, fitness wise, maybe compete, or concentrate my energy on something else for now?


THIS, set goals, stay busy... the more you do, the less time you’ll have to stare at the phone.
 
Last edited:

fastron75

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Registered
Joined
Mar 18, 2014
Messages
55
Looking back at situations like yours I have realized that you broke up for a reason and that reason will always be there or a new one will be there. when it's the right one you wont really have these problems .. sounds simple but it is true ..good luck
 

aphextwin

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Kilo Klub Member
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Apr 13, 2010
Messages
4,939
I feel your pain

After being married 12 years, I got divorced and I went in a downward spiral. I fooled everyone for a bit, until I quit my job. I stopped eating and training all together. I didn't have the energy to get out of bed or go for a walk. Doing anything was painful. I basically sat around watching Netflix and consuming 50-70 grams of Kratom on a daily basis. I would wake up during the night to take it.

Well, I ended up realizing I needing help bc I couldn't live like this anymore. I had lost 30 pounds of weight….all my muscle was gone..which I had worked so hard to obtain….keep in mind, I wasn't a big guy by any stretch of the PM standards….Not looking like John Juan….LOL Well, I got help and kicked K with really no issues what so ever, got put on an antidepressant and found work. I decided to make the commitment to working out once again, and within months of training I feel like the man I used to be. Honestly, I'm a stronger person than before my divorce. Everything in life happens for a reason.


I'm NOT going to act like my life is perfect, bc it's NOT….but if I can help you realize the pain is temporary…..and you can and will push through it. It's okay to hurt and be upset. We are humans. If I can do it, so can you buddy.

Keep your head up.
 

maldorf

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Mar 16, 2007
Messages
24,151
Dates

I think you should continue to date women, but don't sleep with any unless there are strong feelings there for you. Don't force yourself to have sex if you really don't desire to. You can just go out for a movie, have dinner, etc. If things progress farther and you want it then do it. You cant force yourself to want it. I have actually been there myself after my divorce.

I think that if you meet enough women eventually you will meet one that will light that spark you seek. Your ex isn't the only one on earth that can do it. If you just stay home all by yourself you are going to make things worse. I tried that at first and was absolutely miserable. You have to get out and have some fun. It is too bad you don't have any male friends living close by. Maybe you might meet some new friends at the gym or someplace, if you try?
 

aphextwin

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Kilo Klub Member
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Apr 13, 2010
Messages
4,939
A lot of the guy on here bring up some good points. If you sit home, I guarantee you aren't going to make friends or someone potentially special. I've been dating since my divorce, and it's not easy. I went through a period of just sleeping with all these women to mask my pain than I would ghost them, bc I lacked the guts to tell them myself there was nothing there. The thing about it, I really felt bad about it, but kept doing it over and over.

Until recently, I decided I'm not do the typical sleep with these women right away. I've been cautious with who I date and try to get to know by texting first and than talking on the phone with them to see if there's any connection there.....well, I had one recently that I would talk for over an hour on the phone and we got along so well, but there were some RED FLAGS that I overlooked bc I truly thought I like her. We weren't exclusive and I knew she was talking to other men....we are on dating website and she was great looking. She asked me during our first phone conversation how many girls I was talking with besides her, and I was honest there were a few others. She had been talking to a guy or two but hadn't met anyone since being divorced 2 years back. Than she tells me she's been on a good amount of dates and wonders if she might be undatable.....found that odd. Way to sell yourself to me. Apparently she was in a pretty bad marriage....according to her ex was very controlling....who knows the real truth.

Well, we continue to talk on the phone every night and she sends me this text from another guy who was texting her wasted. I was like what the fuck is this? She's like this dude is bat shit crazy, and we aren't going to meet. To make the story short, she sends me a text telling me she's going to meet this guy for a lunch date.....I was like what the fuck it this shit. First of all, I have been ruthless in my past but I'm not sending text of other women to someone I'm interested in. After the met she called me and said she didn't like him........I was okay but that's not normal. We decided to meet that week, and we went out and she was great looking, but something was off. I can't put my finger on it. Needless to say we didn't go out again......and we haven't really talked since. She did send me a text after our date saying I'm sorry the food could have been better. I was like the food was fine....but whatever.

I've rambled on, I think my ego was bruised bc I expect all women to like me.....LOL. It shows how clueless I am, but this is dating. Keep at it, and you will win and lose some if you put forth the effort.

I wanted to share my story. I'm sure everyone can relate to some extent....maybe not to how I felt like I got played, bc I shouldn't have ever met her for acting stupid. For some reason it wasn't supposed to happen.

Just shake it off and move on. Like I have said before, everything seems to happen for a reason. I apologize for the long winded short story, but if it can help anyone than I'm glad.
 
Last edited:

brownbanana

Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 25, 2009
Messages
246
Went through a very tough breakup last year. I was at fault. I was with a really decent person who wanted a family-oriented life, which is what I've always wanted, but around the time before I met her I had gotten involved with a very different crowd and had gotten accustomed to going out, drinking, staying out late at bars etc. She was actually really understanding of this, told me she couldn't do these things because she was a mom, but if it made me happy that she understood. I took this and ran with it, figuring she'd put up with it forever. Well, sure enough, eventually she told me she could tell I wanted something else that she couldn't give me and she had to let me go.

We went through the initial, kind of awkward, talking about it stages. Then just broke off contact for a while. Sometime earlier this year she began messaging me out of the blue, at first just asking how I was, then sometimes just sending me a song she thought i'd like, or even as far as an old pic of us etc. It seems as time has passed some of her walls slowly have started to break down, but there's still a lot of resistance and I know she's still very hurt..... I've occasionally brought up the idea of hanging out and she kind of just shuts down for a few days then messages me again. She's hot and cold, sometimes will get a bit pouty if I don't reply or am too short with her etc., other times she'll be very flirty.

I don't know if this is just her way of dealing with it all or if we are slowly starting to heal the wounds. Right now, I'm more focused on me.....

See, after the breakup I noticed I started having a lot of libido issues out of nowhere. I kinda blamed it on TRT but my bloodwork is perfect. I kind of got into serial dating mode but had a really hard time when it came time for sex.

I was really reflecting today and I realized, I've dated a lot of women since, and not one date have I really enjoyed. I mean, some were fun to just you know, get out and do something. But I didn't even really want to be there, and I think this was really the cause of my libido issues. That not only am I still hurting, but I'm dating/sleeping with people I don't even really like or care about.

It's difficult for me because I'm a loner, I don't enjoy hanging out with the guys at all. I don't have family close by either. My partners and their families have always been who I spent time, where I spent holidays etc.

So now I find myself in this place where I'm kind of just alone. I mean if I want I can have a few dates lined up this week, but I'm realizing I don't even want to. I know the usual advice is to get over a woman, get under another one, and in the past it's always worked but this time it's not doing a thing.

Curious if anyone has been through a longer period where they just stopped dating completely. I'll admit I am lonely, this person meant a lot to me and I acted in ways that were not like me at all, and my natural reaction is to just go out and sleep around but, literally, my body won't even cooperate with me this time. I can still go out, have drinks, but like I said I'm not even enjoying a minute of it. It sucks because I feel pretty alone but I'm wondering if what I need is to just be by myself for some time. Like I said I don't really have male friends, I like to do my own thing, so maybe just set some new goals, fitness wise, maybe compete, or concentrate my energy on something else for now?

Yes and still am.

Take this with a grain of salt.

But it is an internal relationship. The more I fought it, the more I pushed to get over her - only brought her closer to me (internally). By internal, I mean: picturing her as you lay in bed. Realizing the absence of her causes pain and temporary relieving the pain with shared memories.

The more I fought it, the worse I got.

I stopped fighting it and wholeheartly embraced it. And I have changed and become a better man than I was when I was with her. I still miss her and still trying to rekindle our relationship. She won't see me or talk to me. She is afraid and sad.
 
Last edited:

Sibel

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Registered
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Jun 4, 2018
Messages
50
broke up damn heart breaking,everyone has gone through the moment,so really so envy those who have been together all life along.Just cuz true love so rare,so its precious.I have gone through a long period of damn sad time after i broke up with ex,one year later,everything goes normal and get better.
 

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