Wife has PPD, probably BPD, and MS. Trying to keep my head up...

[hawkmoon]

This is really long...apologies in advance.

I've been married for 14 years and have a wonderful 3 year old girl.

The first 11 years or so were a model marriage, the envy of all. We were always together and would have it no other way. She adored me, and I her. The only thing missing was a child, so after much debate, we took the biggest plunge of our lives.

Our daughter, while wonderful in every way, has severe allergy and eczema issues (eczema is common with Japanese - my wife's nationality). This put a lot of stress on my wife as she was the primary caretaker after she quit work to stay home with our baby. This really wore out my wife and she could no sleep (our daughter had to be physically restrained throughout the night) and she was alone most of the day while I worked.

My wife almost certainly suffered (and perhaps still suffers) PPD. Despite her protestations, I do not think she was really ready mentally to have a child. of course, the fact that our child has health issues makes it much harder. She became rather depressed and begged me to move back to Japan so she could have her family's support.

We did so, as I was fortunate to get a job here in Tokyo. A few month after moving here everything changed. My wife was not as warm as she used to be. One day she exploded at me saying that she no longer loves me and is convinced I do not love her. She then went through a laundry list of ridiculous complaints about me (I am too tired when I get home from work; I save too much money; I am too conservative; I spent too much time working around the house). She yelled at me that she didn't want to live and die this way. She then started staying out late, and neglecting care of our daughter - leaving her mother to care for her until I got home.

I was floored.

Initially I though she might be right, maybe I was the bad guy. But after some honest self-eval I found this was not so. It is unreasonable to expect me to be bouncing around with enthusiasm after a full workday and a 1.5 hour Tokyo train commute. I was always in a good mood when I came home, but I wasn't fresh and full of vigor - that's impossible. I also felt that saving about 10% of our income was far from being stingy - especially looking at today's current economic situation. Pretty much all of her complaints fell apart under a critical light.

At first I though she was having a mid-life crisis. This is scary enough, as it often destroys families. Close analysis however steered me int he direction of Borderline Personality Disorder. She has most, if not all the symptoms; the adoration turning to resentment and hate, the over-emotional reactions and frequent rages, the childish tantrums. Looking back I see maybe these patterns were already there and if I had understood BPD I might have recognized the damage caused by her neglectful parents. But now it is too late. We have a little girl, who I want to grow up in a loving, complete family.

Later in the summer (08), she was having severe cramps due to hormonal problems. She was incapacitated with pain. She says this furthered her position against me, as she felt she was no longer young. Then a few months later she was diagnosed with MS. Then things started to make sense.

We went to a psychologist in Tokyo to talk about our marriage. I let her do most of the talking as i knew she had issues that needed to be observed by the doctor. She tried to diagnose me a OCD and ADD during the session.
After listening for some time the doctor presented the idea that the first MS incident and initial child rearing occurred at the same time (it did - her first MS incident was when our daughter was 3 months, though we did not know it was MS at the time). My wife, who is very proud, denied this possibility. She refused to go again.

I went back alone and the doc told me that I am OK, I just need to keep my head on straight while I endure this. He thinks her previous issues have become exacerbated by the MS. I mentioned that she is also experiencing memory blackouts that she is not away of. He thinks she has organic psychological damage and is severely suspicious and paranoid. Anti-psychotic and sedative Meds were suggested.

Here we are now at present day.
I am in Japan, living in my in-laws house with a child with medical conditions, a wife who is suffering severe mental issues brought on by a chronic illness which she will not treat physically and refuses to treat psychologically.

Sometimes I just want to take my daughter back to the States (she has said several times I can have sole custody), but I don't want to give up and I don't think it is responsible to abandon a good paying job these days. Not with a child.

Everyday I walk on eggshells, never knowing when I will get blown up at. The best I can do is keep my head down, take care of my daughter, and play nice - hoping things will change. Some days she is fine and civil to me - but there is no love.

The Doc thinks that she will have to get much worse in her disease before she accepts treatment. I don't know if my family can last that long...

Am I a fool for sticking around? Am I risking my daughter's mental health (she sees my wife scream at me and understands, asking me "why is mommy angry at daddy?" "and gives me big hugs...).
Should I be thinking of an escape plan, regardless if the financial impact?

 

[SacToSD]

Should I be thinking of an escape plan, regardless if the financial impact?

yes. The way I see it is this: you're not happy, and not going to be happy with this woman. I understand how difficult this situation is for you, and that getting out might be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. But if I were you, that's what I'd do. Get out and get out quick.

 

[marilyn]

this sounds very tuff...on one hand you want to stay and hope it works out for the best,on another hand,you have yourself and a daughter who needs your full support.....you are all she has and she is innocent and young...Best of luck n this, you will figure out what's best. Sorry, not to give any more opinions as I feel you have to come to a conclusion knowing your family and situation better than anyone.

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Hawkmoon,

Your story is a sad one. From what you are sharing it is obvious that you miss the woman you fell in love with. I can see that you are a man who values hard work, discipline and faithfulness. It seems you've done your best to love your family and provide financial stability. In your ideal world the loving wife and child raised in a caring home was what you imagined for yourself. Your wife agreed and all seemed on track. Unfortunately, the train has gone off it rails.

A few things are certain in this life, we ALL need happy, supportive people in our lives, nothing less will do.

If your wife is unhappy and critical of you, how will you be able to trust her and share your thoughts with her? Unless she is willing to be that person, the idea in your mind has been changed.

My point is, even though you are a stand-up guy and have been willing to stick this situation out for the benefit of your daughter and the family you so desire, the relationship will become more fractured.

Although you are obviously unhappy now, you must decide if you will be even unhappier if you remove her. No one can make this choice for you. We have a limited time on this earth and we choose how that time is spent.

If your wife cannot or will not be part of the picture or plan that you initially made together, you may have to change what you want or remove her from the image in your mind. She certainly is contributing nothing to the relationship.

Be as kind as possible in any regard. I would do what is in the best interest of your little one. Imagine this was happening to someone else, a friend and his daughter. What would you advise your friend to do if you saw HIS wife behaving toward him and his daughter in a similar manner?

 

[hawkmoon]

Thanks so much everyone.

Perhaps I am being naive, but I have to hold on to some hope that my wife will come around and seek treatment. There is no indication that treatment will restore our previous relationship, but it will make it more pleasant than it is now. I hope she can get better, or at least stop the downward spiral. At the same time I plan in my head for worst-case scenarios (IE: leave Japan and return to the US with my daughter and no job).

I can't forget what a wonderful person she was and how many great times we shared together. When I go home and she is "normal" it's easy to think it can all be better.
Maybe it can't.

In any case, I consider myself lucky to have PM, as I think many of us have similar values and work ethics in our lives and hence understand each other better than the average citizen.

Thanks again.

 

[Gators]

I didn't comment earlier as i really didn't have anything to offer, your situation is unlike anything i've experienced.

You have your head screwed on straight, i can't say anything negative about what you've done and are thinking about doing. I too have a ex i just divorced that is in the wine heavy and will not deal with that or her other self worth issues, and it's brutal to watch someone you love go down that path, f'n brutal.

The only thing i can offer is prayer Bro, lots of prayer has always helped me,

 

[SecondAct]

This is really long...apologies in advance.

I've been married for 14 years and have a wonderful 3 year old girl.

The first 11 years or so were a model marriage, the envy of all. We were always together and would have it no other way. She adored me, and I her. The only thing missing was a child, so after much debate, we took the biggest plunge of our lives.

Our daughter, while wonderful in every way, has severe allergy and eczema issues (eczema is common with Japanese - my wife's nationality). This put a lot of stress on my wife as she was the primary caretaker after she quit work to stay home with our baby. This really wore out my wife and she could no sleep (our daughter had to be physically restrained throughout the night) and she was alone most of the day while I worked.

My wife almost certainly suffered (and perhaps still suffers) PPD. Despite her protestations, I do not think she was really ready mentally to have a child. of course, the fact that our child has health issues makes it much harder. She became rather depressed and begged me to move back to Japan so she could have her family's support.

We did so, as I was fortunate to get a job here in Tokyo. A few month after moving here everything changed. My wife was not as warm as she used to be. One day she exploded at me saying that she no longer loves me and is convinced I do not love her. She then went through a laundry list of ridiculous complaints about me (I am too tired when I get home from work; I save too much money; I am too conservative; I spent too much time working around the house). She yelled at me that she didn't want to live and die this way. She then started staying out late, and neglecting care of our daughter - leaving her mother to care for her until I got home.

I was floored.

Initially I though she might be right, maybe I was the bad guy. But after some honest self-eval I found this was not so. It is unreasonable to expect me to be bouncing around with enthusiasm after a full workday and a 1.5 hour Tokyo train commute. I was always in a good mood when I came home, but I wasn't fresh and full of vigor - that's impossible. I also felt that saving about 10% of our income was far from being stingy - especially looking at today's current economic situation. Pretty much all of her complaints fell apart under a critical light.

At first I though she was having a mid-life crisis. This is scary enough, as it often destroys families. Close analysis however steered me int he direction of Borderline Personality Disorder. She has most, if not all the symptoms; the adoration turning to resentment and hate, the over-emotional reactions and frequent rages, the childish tantrums. Looking back I see maybe these patterns were already there and if I had understood BPD I might have recognized the damage caused by her neglectful parents. But now it is too late. We have a little girl, who I want to grow up in a loving, complete family.

Later in the summer (08), she was having severe cramps due to hormonal problems. She was incapacitated with pain. She says this furthered her position against me, as she felt she was no longer young. Then a few months later she was diagnosed with MS. Then things started to make sense.

We went to a psychologist in Tokyo to talk about our marriage. I let her do most of the talking as i knew she had issues that needed to be observed by the doctor. She tried to diagnose me a OCD and ADD during the session.
After listening for some time the doctor presented the idea that the first MS incident and initial child rearing occurred at the same time (it did - her first MS incident was when our daughter was 3 months, though we did not know it was MS at the time). My wife, who is very proud, denied this possibility. She refused to go again.

I went back alone and the doc told me that I am OK, I just need to keep my head on straight while I endure this. He thinks her previous issues have become exacerbated by the MS. I mentioned that she is also experiencing memory blackouts that she is not away of. He thinks she has organic psychological damage and is severely suspicious and paranoid. Anti-psychotic and sedative Meds were suggested.

Here we are now at present day.
I am in Japan, living in my in-laws house with a child with medical conditions, a wife who is suffering severe mental issues brought on by a chronic illness which she will not treat physically and refuses to treat psychologically.

Sometimes I just want to take my daughter back to the States (she has said several times I can have sole custody), but I don't want to give up and I don't think it is responsible to abandon a good paying job these days. Not with a child.

Everyday I walk on eggshells, never knowing when I will get blown up at. The best I can do is keep my head down, take care of my daughter, and play nice - hoping things will change. Some days she is fine and civil to me - but there is no love.

The Doc thinks that she will have to get much worse in her disease before she accepts treatment. I don't know if my family can last that long...

Am I a fool for sticking around? Am I risking my daughter's mental health (she sees my wife scream at me and understands, asking me "why is mommy angry at daddy?" "and gives me big hugs...).
Should I be thinking of an escape plan, regardless if the financial impact?

Old post but it caught my attention. BPD is imo a very unlikely diagnosis in this situation. You would never have had a model marriage for 11 years with a Borderline wife. I'm unsure how this situation resolved itself, but I have a ton of experience with BPD and this doesn't sound like it at all. I can't say what the issue is, garden variety depression after PPD ? PTD with illness ? Another personality disorder of some type ?

Your entire experience with your wife would have been ruled by chaos if she was BPD. I haven't seen any late occuring BPD in my experience. The shifting idealization followed by devaluation probably has you thinking BPD, but there are a lot of disorders where that is present.

Things that would point to a BPD in a real world relationship are:

Has she made multiple claims of physical abuse or sexual abuse by you or others ?

Does she feel a need to have something of yours close when you're gone ? Like wear your shirts to feel closer to you when you are at work.

Is she spending excessively ? Driving erractically ? Being sexually impulsive ?

Does she have a history of cutting? Been in and out of mental care since onset of adolescence ? History of eating disorders ?

Also BPD patients usually feel young, even when they're not. They're some of the teachers you see getting caught with students. They are immature individuals.

These are things that point to BPD, among others, and they are ruled by the fear of abadonment since a young age. They create drama, always, make false accusations if they feel abadoned. They usually overlap with something else, like Bi-polar 2 or histrionic behavior, but not full blown.


Maybe there are aspects of your relationship you wanted to keep understandably private and there are other signs, but the ones presented really don't seem anything close to BPD. I've dealt with quite a few, and I've never encountered anyone who would describe 1 year of any time spent with a BPD patient as idyllic, let alone 11 years. Chaos rules them and anyone in their circle, always.

They evoke in spouses a feeling closer to that of a child rather than a spouse or adult. You're afraid to leave for fear of what mess they'll create. Spouses become co-dependant and angst ridden.

If there are things that you left out and a dr. still feels that she's BPD, then I would suggest to him studies done on very high levels of Effexor for mood stabilization. It's the only effective drug I've found to keep them somewhat in check. I'm talking working her up to the 600mg range, which few docs will do.

That's the only thing that will keep them from severe episodes in a lot of cases and they can lead mildly productive lives. Horrible illness is BPD. I'd rather have HIV personally, and I'm not joking, It's essentially a terminal mental illness that takes down everyone around them without an almost genius psychotherapist working with a openminded psychiatrist.

One last thing I hate to say. As I've said I'm almost certain she isn't BPD, but if you left a lot out and a Dr. confirms BPD, I would take my kid as far away as possible even though she's sick. They are the type to get twisted in a way to take a kid with them when they go. Very scary, but I've seen it firsthand.

 

[hawkmoon]

Hi SecondAct,

Well I have since moved out on my own to stop the fighting in front of my daughter. The doc agrees with you on most points and she does not truly fit the DSM IV BPD definition. He said she most likely has underlying issues with self-worth, self-esteem, etc, and the MS is not helping. He said she might have Borderline Spectrum disorder, where her MS causes her to move in and out of BPD like states.

In any case, with me out of the picture it seems to be better for all of us. Fortunately my daughter also has her grandmother to rely on in the house. When I see my little girl she is healthy and happy and very clingy to her mom.

It is my opinion now that my wife is extremely needy, and always has been. When we were sans child and worked together I was able to fill her void with my constant affection. She needs to recive lots of love and I need to give it. It was classic co-dependancy.
After child this obviously changed and she started to resent me and frame me as a bad person and bad husband. I all those years I never once left her side to go out with friends alone. I went from her most cherished thing to the most reviled. I saw her do this to friends and acquaintances over the years when they failed to satisfy her, but foolishly thought it would not happen to me. As long as I fed her needs she was very loving, but anytime she felt I was inattentive (mowing the lawn, changing the brakes on the car, etc) I was a bad person. She collected all these minutia and threw them back at me.

In all those years I never once left her side to go out with friends alone. But as soon as I backed off due to having to work, etc - everything changed.

Coming back to Japan she returned to the ways of her earlier life more than 12 years ago. She acts like she is in her 20s and is pursing relationships suitable to that age.

She has become someone I do not recognize as my wife. I truly feel the woman I married is dead and buried. I try to relate to the current person as best I can and be as friendly as possible. Seeing her as not-my-wife makes this easier.

 

[triathloncoach]

Best Wishes to you Hawk

Continue to be strong. The alternative to strong is even worse.

 

[EVERLAST]

damn dude....

I would advise you begin to develope an exit strategy.
Your daughter needs to have a stable environmet to grow up in and it sounds as those this woman is bent. I know that is not a technical term found in the DSM IV or the MMPI criteria, but damn dude...
I hate this for you and your daughter.

Work on landing a job stateside and plan around getting the F@^% outta Dodge! If you can convince her to give full custody, do so. International issues aside, this will NOT be easy.
You have a unique SHITSTORM to work in...
I got my daughter after 6 years with her mother.
She developed a cutting habit.
That nearly killed me. She is 19 now and in college and doing very well w/ no cutting issues. Making good grades too. She comes to see me almost every weekend.
Things will get better in time...

hang tough man.

E

 

[hawkmoon]

Hey E,
I hear you, trust me.
Originally I was going to take my daughter back to the US this year.

Now I am looking at in a couple more years after she reaches elementary school age. Even my crazy wife knows regular school here will be very hard as she is 1/2 Japanese. The wife was hazed horribly in school here and does not want her daughter to experience that.
Her mother would rather she is schooled in the US.

All I can really do is wait. If I push in any way it will only hurt me and my daughter as I will lose any legal fight here.

 

[EVERLAST]

agreed...

hang tough man...

E