wife of 19 years want a divorce

Gators · Jan 22, 2009

Se told me Dec 30, since then i've made a vow of sobriety (drank lots of vodka every night when everyone settled down for the evening, i'm an alcoholic) and have really addressed some financial shitstorms that i haven't wanted to face. Basically my nursery business is against the ropes, owe 1/2 million and cash flow is skinny, so i'm going to rep several lines in the ATL/Carolina markets...

She blames this wordwide recession on me (well, the condition of my business) and complains about being behind on the bills, yet she 'works' at her Interior Design business that has yet to provide us a paycheck (and her other failed retail business i pumped in 100k+). It costs us almost 10k a month to live, and i've been paying that tab for years...

We've been going to counseling off and on for 3 years, and now she says she's tried as long as she can, and refuses to give in any. My alcoholism has definitely hindered the relationship, and if i was the man God called me to be, maybe we wouldn't be in this position. Problem with this is she has a great heart, she's a great mom, but she had a f'd up childhood and is carrying some baggage, basically she's never happy, she can't face the reality that happiness comes from within. I also hate to put my 3 girls through this, it really shows them that if things aren't good, then it's ok to divorce...

She has started back working some as a RN, and wants me to move out, yet not pay 1/2 the bills. I called BS on that, and we're trying to do a uncontested divorce for financial reasons, but i think her lawyer is filling her head w/ shit.

I'm seriously leaning to walking away from this 4500ft house, i don't give a damn about the financial repercussions, the market is so bad it's not hardly getting any sniffs. and we wouldn't be on the hook for that much.

Sorry about rambling, i'm pretty devastated, i feel like i'm the one that screwed everything up. My counselor sat with both of us yesterday and he told me there's still hope, but after than she tells me she's ready to proceed.

thanks for 'listening' to my whining

notsobig32 · Jan 22, 2009

gators,

I completely feel you. Its not listening to you whining. You are deeply troubled about something and need to get it out. I have been through the same thing(not near the length of the marriage) and i can tell you it isn't easy.

As far as the lawyer filling her head with things, yeah, thats basically what they do. We tried to do it uncontested until she got a lawyer and things went rapidly downhill. My honest suggestion is that if things will not work out, get yourself a lawyer and make sure you cover your butt. And as goofy as it sounds, if she becomes vindictive you would do well to cover your self by starting to attend AA meetings. Things like this have a way of 'being brought up' in custody hearings. That way you are attending meetings or undergoing some kind of treatment for the alcoholism.

In the meantime, i honestly found that the regimen of the bb'ing lifestyle did wonders for me. It gave me a very structured day that didn't allow me to focus as heavily on what was happening and if the divorce truly goes through, physical fitness is something you will absolutely enjoy.

If you need to talk or anything, please PM me. Good luck.

thebrick · Jan 22, 2009

ugh... sorry to hear this bro. You are in a tough spot but you can make your way through this. It will take a clear head though.

First, have you been sober and clean since December 30? That's not very much time, but if you are, its a start. Not just for your marriage, but more importantly, for you and your welfare no matter what happens from here.

If she is unhappy and is looking for something to "make" that happen for her. Its not going to happen and you can't do anything about that. But you can control your happiness and how you view this.

Money issues can be a HUGE pressure on any relationship. They are right at the top of the list, so its not just you. Recognize it for that and approach it as a money matter. Don't let that tension and frustration be vented as personal attacks. You can't change past money mistakes. But you can correct the course from here.

Legally, I don't believe she can "force" you to move out unless she can prove you are endangering the family in some way. If you do move out, she may be able to use that against you if things turn nasty. If she is seeing a lawyer, rest assured that they are advising her on everything. Even if its advice for a really ugly maneuver. Its money in their pocket. Every paper filed, the longer this drags out, its money in their pocket. Do you have a good lawyer? It could save your tail in an ugly situation. It would be money well spent. Trust me on that. A lot of this is a game of bluff. Been there, done that after being married 17 years the first time. Remember, that debts incurred during your marriage are 50% her debts as well, so you are not on the hook for everything. Don't let your emotions during this tough time cloud your decisions that could have repercussions later.

I hope you can save your family bro, give it a last shot, but when she gets to the point her decision is made, there's not much you can do but protect yourself. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are trying. But it takes two to make a marriage work. Good luck, bro, I feel for you.

cpesloco · Jan 22, 2009

thebrick said:
ugh... sorry to hear this bro. You are in a tough spot but you can make your way through this. It will take a clear head though.

First, have you been sober and clean since December 30? That's not very much time, but if you are, its a start. Not just for your marriage, but more importantly, for you and your welfare no matter what happens from here.

If she is unhappy and is looking for something to "make" that happen for her. Its not going to happen and you can't do anything about that. But you can control your happiness and how you view this.

Money issues can be a HUGE pressure on any relationship. They are right at the top of the list, so its not just you. Recognize it for that and approach it as a money matter. Don't let that tension and frustration be vented as personal attacks. You can't change past money mistakes. But you can correct the course from here.

Legally, I don't believe she can "force" you to move out unless she can prove you are endangering the family in some way. If you do move out, she may be able to use that against you if things turn nasty. If she is seeing a lawyer, rest assured that they are advising her on everything. Even if its advice for a really ugly maneuver. Its money in their pocket. Every paper filed, the longer this drags out, its money in their pocket. Do you have a good lawyer? It could save your tail in an ugly situation. It would be money well spent. Trust me on that. A lot of this is a game of bluff. Been there, done that after being married 17 years the first time. Remember, that debts incurred during your marriage are 50% her debts as well, so you are not on the hook for everything. Don't let your emotions during this tough time cloud your decisions that could have repercussions later.

I hope you can save your family bro, give it a last shot, but when she gets to the point her decision is made, there's not much you can do but protect yourself. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are trying. But it takes two to make a marriage work. Good luck, bro, I feel for you.

that is very solid advice.

matttx · Jan 22, 2009

whatever happens..stay close to your kids..my parents got divorced and i never saw my dad again. good luck with everything bro.

Gators · Jan 22, 2009

Bro's i appreciate it, it does help to 'vent', and i got some great advice. Even though i pretty much knew these things, it helps to have them pounded into my brain...

Yes i have a good atty, will see him Monday to discuss bankruptcy and the divorce. I go to Church with him, he's a damn good man, and a good atty. I am going to a weekly small group meeting of us former drunks / addicts that are in various stages of recovery, and i like it. Went to a AA meeting, i couldn't get out of there fast enough, bunch of crybabies and dry drunks, imo. Also going to a counselor every week. Still cheaper than detox, i shook like a monkey on speed for 5 days, it was a bitch, but i'm pretty good now. Clearest my head has been in years.

All i can do is work on myself, be a good dad (very involved, always have been), and speak to her in love, negativity doesn't work. Oh, and of course, i pray alot about this (and other things), trying to turn it all over to Him, but as a man, it's hard not to want to 'fix' everything ourselves...

Thanks again guys, much appreciated.

oldfella · Jan 22, 2009

Well Gators,
This sort of think does happen to a lot of people. You have taken the single most important step though. YOu have admitted to your drinking problem and are now doing something about it. it might just save your life bro. Good job there and please stay with it.

As for the marriage, well somethings just aren't meant to be. After 20 years the ex and I called it quits. We loved each other but not enough to,live with each other it would seem. We are lucky we still remain friends and can support each other in that way.

Well some of the others have already given some great advice on te legal side of things. Uncontested would be far cheaper in the big scheme of things but if she wants to go the route of courts then you really cannot stop her. Just cover your ass as best you can and fight for your kids.

Good luck bro and we are all here to help if even with a kind word or some sharp, tough love. We are all in this together here.

abolish the weak · Jan 23, 2009

I'd suggest hiring an attorney and filing for bankruptcy while you still have a chance. 7 yrs fucked up credit, or 7 years to MAYBE pay all of your shit back. At the point your at bankruptcy sounds like the lesser of two evils and will get the load off your shoulders and then maybe you can deal with your personal problems without so much stress. I dont know the entire story, but it sounds like financial problems is what led you to drinking and possible the marriage trouble. What if you just approached your wife with the idea of "Hey hunny, how about we just start over, here is how......" People dont like working at anything anymore, if she says no then what can you do?

Gators · Jan 23, 2009

Oh yeah, i have an atty. already hired, i'm working on financials this weekend with my 1st cuz, who's a atty, he's getting me organized from 1st of next week when i meet w/ my atty. a million dollars in debt is a scary thing, but good news is i have a lot of inventory for Dec 2009 harvest (annual harvest), so i can get out of this hole pretty quickly when the economy turns...

I did turn a corner today, i told her that although i don't want a divorce, i'm ok with it, and it's time to move on with our lives. That shocked her. I'm taking one day at a time, getting in good shape mentally and physically, finally facing the shitstorm i knew was coming, it feels good to drag it out in the sunshine where i can work on it. Went to my former drunks meeting tonight (small group, not AA) and i learned alot, one thing i realized is that i was looking for validation from her, and things can change when you don't do that, it flips around some. I never thought about all these deep things they were talking about tonight, it got me really thinking....

this is a great group of Bro's here, i didn't get the camaraderie when i first joined.

pesty4077 · Jan 23, 2009

Gators,
I wish you the best Bro. Try to keep a level head, that will help alot. Alcohol can destroy lives, I am hoping you can battle through it. If you are icorporated, don't worry about that debt as much for your business, rather get you affairs in order on your personal. I went through that with my business, it is just a bad economy, learn to downsize, if needed, or be diversified. I feel bad for you Bro, 19 years is a long time and I know it will be a rough road. I don' know if you are a religious man, but I will say a prayer for you, so God can get you through these difficult times.

Gators · Jan 23, 2009

thanks Pesty... I'm a LLC and most of my business was in FL, it's been crashed dead for 2 years... I'm not a religious man, just a follower of Christ

thanks for the prayer

about the alcohol, i was a very functional alcoholic, never drank during the day, and most times it was after the kids had settled down, i would go downstairs to my Man Cave and fire up a cigar and drink vodka until i was 'numb'. I now know that everything for me hinges on sobriety... Oh, and i'm a recovering addict, been coke free for 21 years. I'm a damn walking talking sack of addictive personalities

notsobig32 · Jan 23, 2009

Gators said:
thanks Pesty... I'm a LLC and most of my business was in FL, it's been crashed dead for 2 years... I'm not a religious man, just a follower of Christ thanks for the prayer

about the alcohol, i was a very functional alcoholic, never drank during the day, and most times it was after the kids had settled down, i would go downstairs to my Man Cave and fire up a cigar and drink vodka until i was 'numb'. I now know that everything for me hinges on sobriety... Oh, and i'm a recovering addict, been coke free for 21 years. I'm a damn walking talking sack of addictive personalities

I will tell you gator i respect you very very much. Coke (like any drug) is a very hard one to kick. i know this from personal experience. I give you many props for getting off that and not going back, even when things have gotten as tough as they are for you right now. So, buckle down on not drinking, try to work things out and i wish you the best of luck man.

i am in the same boat myself. I am going to marriage counseling now and it really seems to be helping but both people have to want to work at it and the counseling should be about getting help with your problems, not complaining about the other person.

Gators · Jan 23, 2009

notsobig32 said:
I will tell you gator i respect you very very much. Coke (like any drug) is a very hard one to kick. i know this from personal experience. I give you many props for getting off that and not going back, even when things have gotten as tough as they are for you right now. So, buckle down on not drinking, try to work things out and i wish you the best of luck man.

i am in the same boat myself. I am going to marriage counseling now and it really seems to be helping but both people have to want to work at it and the counseling should be about getting help with your problems, not complaining about the other person.

I've had so much counseling over the last 3 years i should be the one on the other side of the table

we've done it for 3 years....

Couple things i learned. Read! some books that have really helped me is His needs Her needs by William Harley, and Love must me Tough by James Dobson (he's a strong Christian so if that bothers you it might not be the book for you). Another thing is really work to get at the core issues, usually each person has these deep seated issues that are manifesting itself in some form and causing marital strife. I'm finding out that alcohol was keeping me very immature emotionally and mentally, and that i wanted to get approval from my wife (how screwed up is that). IF you try to change yourself to suit your spouse, it will never work, been there, tried that. What it boils down to is both of you working on your own issues and both of you CHOOSING by your own free will to be married to your spouse.

signed
Siggy Freud

notsobig32 · Jan 23, 2009

Awesome gator,

It seems like you really have your head on straight man. Stay away from alcohol and i think you will be fine. Wow, you have been to a lot of counseling. I think it is definitely beneifical....as corny as it sounds the 'I' statements alone really change the way you communicate within a relationship. Now at work i have some computer programmers that work under me and i tried those same statements and i got funny looks=-) But hey i am not married to them so who cares..lol

hang in there gators, everything will work itself out, one way or another. And it seems like you have your head on straight about it.

how is the working out going?

Gators · Jan 23, 2009

notsobig32 said:
Awesome gator,

It seems like you really have your head on straight man. Stay away from alcohol and i think you will be fine. Wow, you have been to a lot of counseling. I think it is definitely beneifical....as corny as it sounds the 'I' statements alone really change the way you communicate within a relationship. Now at work i have some computer programmers that work under me and i tried those same statements and i got funny looks=-) But hey i am not married to them so who cares..lol

hang in there gators, everything will work itself out, one way or another. And it seems like you have your head on straight about it.

how is the working out going?

It's getting there, really enjoyed working out this am on the smith machine i just bought, beats the heck out of that raggedy bench i had. Diet is getting there, the 1st 3 weeks after i sobered i could not eat enough crap like burgers and fries, but it's leveling off now, eaten very clean so far today...

thanks for the kind words Bro, and good luck, check out those books i mentioned.

Iceman1800 · Jan 23, 2009

thebrick said:
Legally, I don't believe she can "force" you to move out unless she can prove you are endangering the family in some way. If you do move out, she may be able to use that against you if things turn nasty.

It could be classified as abandonment (sp?) if you leave so don't! That will work against you.

Gators · Jan 23, 2009

Iceman1800 said:
It could be classified as abandonment (sp?) if you leave so don't! That will work against you.

No, already checked into that, and there will be a signed legal document protecting me

Designbuilt · Jan 25, 2009

Well this is a tough situation, and advice is way too hard to give, since every single case is different. (court and relationship wise)

Knowing first hand what bloodsuckers family lawyers & G.A.L's (Guardian Ad Litem) are and such, you were fortunate to find someone whom you trust and even go to church with.

I wish that I could give you advice, but it is such a delicate matter and only you and your wife know exactly where your relationship stands.

All I can offer is my best wishes of good luck to you, whatever you decide and hopes that everything turns out ok.

But remember one thing, no matter what happens it's never as bad as you think it is at first, things will eventually get better and you will be ok eventually.

Good luck

njpooldude · Jan 25, 2009

mr gators.. im really sorry u have to go through this. After reading your first post i really have to say i feel its not worth trying to save the relationship. i believe if she was right for you, she wouldnt blame everything on u, yet be there for u through the tough times...

Im also a recovering addict.. GOD IS GOOD
The man up stairs NEVER gives us more then we can handle.. and as long as u keep that faith man, ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is possible. I also believe that an unhealthy marrige with children is far worse then a divorce with children

remember man.. everything happens for a reason.. u may not understand the reason behind all this madness right now, but one day u will...

( i HATE READING ) but please take my advise and buy these 2 books.. Joel osteens " become a better you" and "the power of simple prayer" by joyce meyer

when us addicts get inside our heads.. its a brutal war.. these books will save u my friend.. i mean that with everything i got

OuchThatHurts · Jan 25, 2009

There's no way to tell how all will turn out but you are good guy and that at the very least will pull you through. You've already gotten some great advice here from our esteemed members. Not a whole lot else to say. Continue to do your best. Stay away from that poison. Be a good father and maintain your composure. Don't get angry and don't do anything that could be used against you. Keep a log of the things she does and when. You too. Take photos. Get it all down. Do everything you can to save your business but also know when to let it go. You can always start another business. You're the only one that will know when that time is. Just maintain status quo and continue being a good father and husband. Avoid getting emotional at all times because that's when you end up doing something stupid. Don't sign any papers. Don't give up anything until a magistrate tells you that you have to. Best wishes to you and your family.

...and a little prayer can't hurt either.

Peace.

OTH