Need some advice from the wise (relationship)

[bodybuilder0713]

Sorry I have to post this here, but this is the only forum I check throughout the day and keep up with. I'm 24 and need some advice from the wise.

Long story short I've been with my girlfriend for 11 months. She is very very protective of her phone. For example last night my phone had died so I asked to use hers to dial my grandmother. She said I'll type the number, she hands it to me I talk for 2 minutes, before I even hang up the phone her hand is 2 inches from my face waiting for her phone back.

We share the same bed and I never come home to any texts on her phone from anyone really, but she chooses to keep her phone on vibrate anytime she's around me.

She's constantly on Facebook and I know sneaky people can usually get away with a lot if you aren't exactly trying to find them out.

Anytime I joke about the phone she never offers to go through it to shut me up so to speak, she just asks why I don't trust her.

Any advice will be appreciated, I know this isn't a huge deal to most but I have been taking care of and helping provide for her child, 3 months when we started dating and over a year old now. Have become very attached to both of them obviously, so I've had chances to rifle through her phone as in the instance last night but I almost am afraid to find what I'm looking for.

 

[richiec]

Confront her about it, chances are she is doing something behind your back if she's being that sneaky

 

[Stayinfit]

Here's what I've done in the past. Treat her good. Keep treating her good and she'll either slip and then you'll know for sure or there really isn't anything going on. I am protective of my phone also and I am in no way talking to any other female or flirting. My gf's daughter is the same with her phone and she isn't seeing anyone. She freaks when she can't find it. I freak when I can't find mine. People get that away.

I think the big mistake would be to start hounding her about it or be insecure about it. A person is going to cheat or flirt whether you like it or not, or they aren't going to cheat or flirt, BUT, if you treat the other person good chances of them looking elsewhere are diminished...I think. Could be wrong but that's just how I see it.

 

[Chemically Engineered]

Privacy is important in relationship. Unfortunatly though sounds like shes being sneaky. Go with your gut instinct, TRUST ME!

 

[richiec]

Stayinfit, sorry but that isn't the real world. No matter how good you treat someone, if they are going to cheat on you, it's going to happen. Your gf's daughter freaking out about not being able to find her phone shows a real problem. I don't want people rifling through my phone either, but my wife is more than welcomed to go through it at any time.

 

[bodybuilder0713]

No part of me thinks she's physically cheating on me, but if I'm questioned or even joked with I'll unlock my phone log into Facebook and my email and toss it to her. It's that simple though she never has asked.

 

[Stayinfit]

Stayinfit, sorry but that isn't the real world. No matter how good you treat someone, if they are going to cheat on you, it's going to happen. Your gf's daughter freaking out about not being able to find her phone shows a real problem. I don't want people rifling through my phone either, but my wife is more than welcomed to go through it at any time.

I know, I just like giving people the benefit of the doubt until they absolutely show me otherwise. I know I've perceived things wrong in the past and it caused bigger issues. If I go around not trusting everyone from the get go or if they do something that might seem fishy, I'm not sure that's healthy with any relationship.

 

[nothuman]

Here's what I've done in the past. Treat her good. Keep treating her good and she'll either slip and then you'll know for sure or there really isn't anything going on. I am protective of my phone also and I am in no way talking to any other female or flirting. My gf's daughter is the same with her phone and she isn't seeing anyone. She freaks when she can't find it. I freak when I can't find mine. People get that away.

I think the big mistake would be to start hounding her about it or be insecure about it. A person is going to cheat or flirt whether you like it or not, or they aren't going to cheat or flirt, BUT, if you treat the other person good chances of them looking elsewhere are diminished...I think. Could be wrong but that's just how I see it.

Sorry but this will never work

 

[grizzly978]

That sounds sketchy to me. not saying anything is going on but if she's that protective then there is something up. I honestly don't know what to tell you to do here because I don't know how she is or her personality......

 

[richiec]

I know, I just like giving people the benefit of the doubt until they absolutely show me otherwise. I know I've perceived things wrong in the past and it caused bigger issues. If I go around not trusting everyone from the get go or if they do something that might seem fishy, I'm not sure that's healthy with any relationship.

I'm not saying trust nobody, but when someone is acting sneaky or shady, it's because they are doing something sneaky or shady

 

[RichR87]

I'm not saying trust nobody, but when someone is acting sneaky or shady, it's because they are doing something sneaky or shady

Yes, either they're doing something shady or, at the very least, they are allowing themselves the option to do something shady in the future. I've been in a situation where the girl decided to become protective of her phone, put a password on, etc ... in the middle of our relationship. It kind of bothered me, but I let it go and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Looking back on the situation, I don't think she ever was doing anything behind my back right at that point, but it certainly made it easier for her to do some shady stuff a few months later on (which she did).

From my experiences, the girls that were worth it would have done anything for me, including tossing me their phone without hesitation if I needed to use it.

 

[flexdurden]

My girl and I are both open books with one another... there are very few things that we do not keep from one another. We both use one each other's phones and know the passwords to websites and computers.

Maybe this is too open, but she loves me for who I am, and knows what I do and who I talk with... Shit, she actually reads some of my texts with other bodybuilder friends to learn things she can do herself. I was talking with someone about using GDAs and then before we eat a protein and carb meal see her pop some berberine... I go why did you just take that? She reiterated what she read... I was impressed...

If her and I have an issue and I seek advice from someone, I do try to conceal that, and I know she does that at times as well... This is to prevent any female "stereotypes" that may offend her...

You just need to ask her... say that you are open with your life, ask her if there is something she is embarrassed about sharing. If she still won't give, ask what is she hiding? If she says nothing, then ask to see her phone. If she says, "why don't you trust me?" Say, "I do, but because you've made it so 'forbidden' I have the urge to see it... it isn't a trust issue, it is just that if we are going to share our lives, we should be comfortable sharing everything, and the fact that you are withholding your phone, makes me feel uncomfortable. If I am uncomfortable, I find it difficult to be truly happy, and if we are going to be truly happy together, we both need to be comfortable... "

Honestly, if this is troubling you, and she doesn't work with you on the issue, it is not going to change... you have two choices in that case, either relegate yourself to never being truly satisfied in the relationship or put the pas behind you and move on... it won;t be east, but you'll need to do it and you will find happiness elsewhere

 

[machomadness22]

Yeah man hate to say it but something is going on, just dump her and bang someone 10 x hotter! you'll feel a lot better I promise! On some real shit same exact thing happened to me like 9 years ago with a girl I lived with I thought she was the "one" and blah blah blah well I ended up finding out she was sleeping with an "old" friend" of mine. Like stated above your gut is your best friend! And if she is cheating on you, never ever EVER take her back. You would just give her an excuse to do it to you again. Much love man hope it works out for YOU in the end!
MM

 

[HeavyLifting1]

Go through her phone. Ask her why shes so protective over it. I don't want to go through a girlfriends phone but you have to know who calls them. If more than a few people call them. Get someone different thats like dating 2 people. Work, family, and maybe 1 girlfriend should call her. Anymore and thats 2 people you are dating. A call at night shouldn't come around unless its an emergency. Don't ignore it. Grow up and get away from that. Good luck.

 

[bodybuilder0713]

She's a very complicated person. She once was caught in a lie as to why she was absent from work, the told her she would be meeting with the boss the next day. Instead of meeting with the boss she instead just said they're gonna fire me I'm just not gonna go and find another job.

I called her job to straighten things out but she didn't even know if she were getting fired but thought she was so instead was just not gonna go and then for sure get terminated..

If I ask to see her phone or else it's the door she will walk out without hesitation that's how she is.

We've had rough patches with arguments and stuff and if she were cheating or flirting around she's had opportunities to pursue them and carry on without me in her life, so if she's hiding something what would cause her not to just walk away and pursue it?

 

[flexdurden]

Yeah man hate to say it but something is going on, just dump her and bang someone 10 x hotter! you'll feel a lot better I promise! On some real shit same exact thing happened to me like 9 years ago with a girl I lived with I thought she was the "one" and blah blah blah well I ended up finding out she was sleeping with an "old" friend" of mine. Like stated above your gut is your best friend! And if she is cheating on you, never ever EVER take her back. You would just give her an excuse to do it to you again. Much love man hope it works out for YOU in the end!
MM

I feel cheating is a personality trait... Once a cheater, always a cheater... there is something in them that makes them feel it is OK to be unfaithful or they simply don't care enough of the relationship they are in...

An Ex of mine cheated on me (making out with someone is more than I can take)... I tried to look past it and we stayed together but after a a month or two, I said, I simply couldn't look past the fact that she did not think about what we had together first before making out with someone else...

 

[bodybuilder0713]

Here's the plan but I already know how it's gonna go.

I get home from work at 3am tonight, I'll come in say my phones dead and ask if I can use hers while I use the bathroom.

This will in turn completely wake her up as she will jump up and ask why and such and turn into an actual discussion about me wanting the relief of not knowing. Which will lead to her walking out and going to her parents.

 

[Marvin Martian]

^ Mental - it sounds like you have a very mature - secure relationship. Treasure that because it's not easy to find. I think guys into this lifestyle are often insecure about various things. Not saying it's bad - the reason we strive to improve ourselves is because we aren't satisfied with the norm. I am not a jealous man - and sometimes that is not good. Women have seen it as confident I guess at times - but it can also be perceived as just not caring.
If I were OP - I would have a serious straight forward conversation. Explain how her actions are making you think and feel and either she will understand or she won't. If she can't understand how her behavior makes you feel then she doesn't really care too much about you. NOW - I am not saying to ACCUSE her. That's totally different. Just explain how you perceive things and that if SHE were feeling this way about you - you wouldn't want that. This shouldn't be an argument - even if she blows up. You keep your cool and just tell her "I am sorry you see it ( or feel ) that way." Then very calmly either walk away or roll over and go to sleep. No matter how she acts you stay in control of yourself.
You may be surprised at how she reacts.

 

[richiec]

Here's the plan but I already know how it's gonna go.

I get home from work at 3am tonight, I'll come in say my phones dead and ask if I can use hers while I use the bathroom.

This will in turn completely wake her up as she will jump up and ask why and such and turn into an actual discussion about me wanting the relief of not knowing. Which will lead to her walking out and going to her parents.

Tell this girl to kick rocks man. If she would walk out that quick, let her. Theres obviously something going on, be it physical or not, why wait around to find out? Ask her about it, if it comes to the point of see the phone or leave, open the door for her

 

[GymDudeVA]

I think one thing is being glossed over here: You're supporting her kid? You're very young to fall into that already without taking a few hundred more spins around the block.

Is the kid's dad in the picture? Chances are that her life is a lot more complicated than she lets on or that you realize. A lot of it may not be secrecy per se on her part, put more of an attempt to keep the good part of her life (you) separated from the messy part.

Bring up that sort of thing when you talk to her.

Is it only the phone that's the issue? If it extends to other things (computer, mail, et.) then it's a larger issue of course and it's going to be an uphill relationship.

Here's a prediction (I'm psychic or something): 6 or 7 years from now you'll be telling your wife about the crazy girlfriend with the phone back in 2014.