- Joined
- Dec 12, 2002
- Messages
- 204
I've been with my current partner almost three years, & love her more than anything.
She's my world, & far more than I ever deserve.
She's been really pushing for us to get engaged & as much as I want to spend forever with he, I know she could do so much better than me.
I'm 38, just bankrupted, wasted a large part of my life angry at the world, & consumed with doing something very bad to someone very deserved, until at 30 that option was taken. Cost me my first marriage, and so much more. From there went into a downward spiral of frequent substance abuse, etc, basically I've wasted my life.
I met her in the depths of this hole, and Ive never met anyone like her. She had a worse background than me, instead of fking her life away like I had, decided she was going to bring as much good into the world possible, and does just that.
First time I thought maybe I can be something worthwhile too.
Very soon after meeting, at 30 was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, wasn't good.
On top of that, all her "friends" ditched her, unfortunately her generosity, had attracted leeches, not friends, and her family walked away as too fking hard on them.
She took the diagnosis relatively well, but the abandonment crushed her.
Seeing this beautiful person fighting for their life, already been thru hell, and now repeatedly saying she must be a shit person for even her family not to care killed me.
As my usual dumb response was, I raged, vowed to kill her family if she didn't make it, which only made it worse for her.
Somehow I pulled my head in, & decided to do everything possible, which was Fk all, to help.
She battled hard, was given very low chances, somehow managed to not even take one sick day thru 12 months treatment, beat that fking disease.
The only thing I've done in my life I'm proud of is cooking her meals and holding her hand through it.
Now 12 months in remission she wants to get married. As much as I'd love that, I dont wanna have her waste her life with me, she could do so much better. I want the world for her, I want her to have the best life possible, and I know that's not with me. As much as it'd break my heart to not have her, I'd love to see her taken on nice holidays, and treated properly.
I'm sure she loves me, but also sure the goodness in her wants to try and save this wreck. No one beats cancer to then waste their life helping some fkr who blew theirs by choice.
It's getting tense, she can't understand it's not a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of wanting better for her. She thinks I'm what she wants, but I know me, and no one wants this!
I don't know what the fk to do.
She's my world, & far more than I ever deserve.
She's been really pushing for us to get engaged & as much as I want to spend forever with he, I know she could do so much better than me.
I'm 38, just bankrupted, wasted a large part of my life angry at the world, & consumed with doing something very bad to someone very deserved, until at 30 that option was taken. Cost me my first marriage, and so much more. From there went into a downward spiral of frequent substance abuse, etc, basically I've wasted my life.
I met her in the depths of this hole, and Ive never met anyone like her. She had a worse background than me, instead of fking her life away like I had, decided she was going to bring as much good into the world possible, and does just that.
First time I thought maybe I can be something worthwhile too.
Very soon after meeting, at 30 was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, wasn't good.
On top of that, all her "friends" ditched her, unfortunately her generosity, had attracted leeches, not friends, and her family walked away as too fking hard on them.
She took the diagnosis relatively well, but the abandonment crushed her.
Seeing this beautiful person fighting for their life, already been thru hell, and now repeatedly saying she must be a shit person for even her family not to care killed me.
As my usual dumb response was, I raged, vowed to kill her family if she didn't make it, which only made it worse for her.
Somehow I pulled my head in, & decided to do everything possible, which was Fk all, to help.
She battled hard, was given very low chances, somehow managed to not even take one sick day thru 12 months treatment, beat that fking disease.
The only thing I've done in my life I'm proud of is cooking her meals and holding her hand through it.
Now 12 months in remission she wants to get married. As much as I'd love that, I dont wanna have her waste her life with me, she could do so much better. I want the world for her, I want her to have the best life possible, and I know that's not with me. As much as it'd break my heart to not have her, I'd love to see her taken on nice holidays, and treated properly.
I'm sure she loves me, but also sure the goodness in her wants to try and save this wreck. No one beats cancer to then waste their life helping some fkr who blew theirs by choice.
It's getting tense, she can't understand it's not a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of wanting better for her. She thinks I'm what she wants, but I know me, and no one wants this!
I don't know what the fk to do.