I really don’t know where to start, or how I got myself to post this. Because I talked to some of my friends and I ended up sounding like I’m bothered by having the best marriage they’ve ever heard of, and I’m stupid to think the way I think. Let me give a little background. My wife and I have been dating for 3 years before we decided to get married. We have been married for a bit over 3 years now, and through all of our years together, we’ve only had 3 big arguments that ended less than an hour later.
We both make enough money to live comfortably, and really, when it comes to all that, life is just good. But the problem I’ve been facing for the past year, or a little more, is that I never can say “no” to anything she wants to do or wants to buy from the fear of starting an argument.
You see, for the past 6 years, I’ve always been the one who tries to avoid arguing, and creating a problem from nothing. Because to be frank, I’m very afraid of getting into an argument with someone I love so much.
Whenever she wants to buy something overpriced that she doesn’t even need, I try to explain that we don’t have enough money, then it’s the “please don’t talk to me” face because she got upset. Every time we go out, she has to buy a “gift” for one of her friends because it’s her birthday (and somehow every day it’s someone’s birthday). I spend all my time working my ass off and taking care of my responsibilities, and when I have those couple of minutes where I want to just lay down on the couch and do nothing but relax, there’s always something we have to go pick up ‘for her friend’ because her friends are obviously too busy trying to fluff their couch with their asses.
I make about 5 times what she makes, so I had a prior agreement with her that I’ll provide everything we need, and I’ll save this much from my monthly paycheck for the future, and I’ll pay for the car and leisure, and whatever’s left we can buy what we want with. And her paycheck is for her. She can buy whatever she likes with it. she makes a little more than $10K per year. Even though she has $800 per month to buy whatever she wants, she manages to blow it off on really dumb things (I don’t mind, it’s her choice. Dumb for me is probably really nice for her), and by the middle of the month, she’s broke. This doesn’t bother me much. I tried to teach her about saving her money, but it’s up to her in the end if she wants to spend it or not. What bothered me the most was she took about $1500 from our savings account without me knowing, to buy me a birthday present. I could not say anything because I gave her the benefit of the doubt. To me, it’s very sweet of her that she spent that much on a gift for me. But, I don’t want to imagine what would happen if I argued with her about taking money from savings to buy me a gift that I don’t even want.
Sometimes, she says things that would really hurt me if I interpret it the wrong, but I don’t. yet, she does the exact opposite. Whenever I say something, she interprets it in the wrong way. She called me at work one day and I was in a meeting and said “sorry hun, can I call you back?”… I called her back 5 minutes later and she asked if something was wrong, and I said “nah, I was just busy with something” and she went quiet, then said she’ll call me later. When I got home, she was crying. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Then she said “why would you say something like that to me? Don’t you want me involved in your life?” after a long talk, she calmed down and told me that what she understood from “I was just busy with something” that it actually meant “it’s none of your business what I do when I’m not with you, and I don’t want you to butt in my business”. How would someone interpret something like that? And it’s not one time it happened, it happens every time something I say could be interpreted by some magical way as an insult. I was at my brother’s place once with my wife, and we were watching tv. My wife and I had to go get groceries. And as we were leaving, this hot chick was on TV. I pointed at her and winked to my brother and said “you should get one of those” and we both laughed as if it were a joke. My wife suddenly went quiet again. As we were driving, she started crying. She said “how could you do that? Don’t you feel like a disgusting person when you do something like that?” I did not know what the hell she was talking about! Then she says “So, you don’t find what you did was wrong?” I just asked her what did I do? Point at a woman and wink to my brother? After we talked, it turns out that she thought I wanted someone who looked like that girl on TV (even though I always brag to everyone about how my wife is the most beautiful woman on earth, because she is!).
Every time she interprets something the wrong way like this I ask myself why doesn’t she give me the benefit of the doubt and say to her self “nah, I’m sure he meant something else”. That’s what I do! Because I know she loves me more than anything, and she’d never say or do anything to hurt me. She has said things that really came as a shock for me, but I tried my best to interpret it in another way. I don’t feel right saying this, but I just want you to understand what I’m talking about. Sometimes when we’re about to have sex, if she see that I’m not totally hard she’d smirk and say “that’s it? that’s how hard you’re gonna get?” at first I didn’t know what to think. The second time she said it, I told her that I don’t feel comfortable when she says that. But she kept on saying it if it happened again and 2 seconds after she says it she would say “oh, sorry! I’m really sorry!! I forgot!!”
I was raised in a family where if we weren’t arguing, something was wrong. And I hated arguing the whole time. Sometimes I’d just be sorry for things I didn’t even do just to stop the argument. My wife came from an abusive family (physically), and she was living in a very bad environment and was depressed all the time. I just want her to be happy. I don’t want to bring any sadness in her life, ever. I can’t say no to whatever she wants, and I can’t start an argument or continue with one for the sake of “I’m right and you’re wrong and I won’t change my decision to prove my point”. I really don’t know what to do and I don’t want this feeling to build up inside of me. The feeling of “why does she try to start an argument from nothing?” the feeling of “why am I working so hard to keep her happy, relaxed, comfortable, and care free when she wants me to get everything done for her and always tries to interpret things the wrong way, even if they aren’t remotely close!”
I don’t want to make this sound like it’s an everyday thing… but every time something like this happens, the feeling gets deeper. Do you know what I mean? Like if your boss at work told you “good job” 20 times in a row, then says “what the hell is this? It’s junk!” once. then another good job 20 times, then junk 1 time… all what you think of is the “junk” part.
Sorry for the long post. I just needed to get this off my chest.
We both make enough money to live comfortably, and really, when it comes to all that, life is just good. But the problem I’ve been facing for the past year, or a little more, is that I never can say “no” to anything she wants to do or wants to buy from the fear of starting an argument.
You see, for the past 6 years, I’ve always been the one who tries to avoid arguing, and creating a problem from nothing. Because to be frank, I’m very afraid of getting into an argument with someone I love so much.
Whenever she wants to buy something overpriced that she doesn’t even need, I try to explain that we don’t have enough money, then it’s the “please don’t talk to me” face because she got upset. Every time we go out, she has to buy a “gift” for one of her friends because it’s her birthday (and somehow every day it’s someone’s birthday). I spend all my time working my ass off and taking care of my responsibilities, and when I have those couple of minutes where I want to just lay down on the couch and do nothing but relax, there’s always something we have to go pick up ‘for her friend’ because her friends are obviously too busy trying to fluff their couch with their asses.
I make about 5 times what she makes, so I had a prior agreement with her that I’ll provide everything we need, and I’ll save this much from my monthly paycheck for the future, and I’ll pay for the car and leisure, and whatever’s left we can buy what we want with. And her paycheck is for her. She can buy whatever she likes with it. she makes a little more than $10K per year. Even though she has $800 per month to buy whatever she wants, she manages to blow it off on really dumb things (I don’t mind, it’s her choice. Dumb for me is probably really nice for her), and by the middle of the month, she’s broke. This doesn’t bother me much. I tried to teach her about saving her money, but it’s up to her in the end if she wants to spend it or not. What bothered me the most was she took about $1500 from our savings account without me knowing, to buy me a birthday present. I could not say anything because I gave her the benefit of the doubt. To me, it’s very sweet of her that she spent that much on a gift for me. But, I don’t want to imagine what would happen if I argued with her about taking money from savings to buy me a gift that I don’t even want.
Sometimes, she says things that would really hurt me if I interpret it the wrong, but I don’t. yet, she does the exact opposite. Whenever I say something, she interprets it in the wrong way. She called me at work one day and I was in a meeting and said “sorry hun, can I call you back?”… I called her back 5 minutes later and she asked if something was wrong, and I said “nah, I was just busy with something” and she went quiet, then said she’ll call me later. When I got home, she was crying. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Then she said “why would you say something like that to me? Don’t you want me involved in your life?” after a long talk, she calmed down and told me that what she understood from “I was just busy with something” that it actually meant “it’s none of your business what I do when I’m not with you, and I don’t want you to butt in my business”. How would someone interpret something like that? And it’s not one time it happened, it happens every time something I say could be interpreted by some magical way as an insult. I was at my brother’s place once with my wife, and we were watching tv. My wife and I had to go get groceries. And as we were leaving, this hot chick was on TV. I pointed at her and winked to my brother and said “you should get one of those” and we both laughed as if it were a joke. My wife suddenly went quiet again. As we were driving, she started crying. She said “how could you do that? Don’t you feel like a disgusting person when you do something like that?” I did not know what the hell she was talking about! Then she says “So, you don’t find what you did was wrong?” I just asked her what did I do? Point at a woman and wink to my brother? After we talked, it turns out that she thought I wanted someone who looked like that girl on TV (even though I always brag to everyone about how my wife is the most beautiful woman on earth, because she is!).
Every time she interprets something the wrong way like this I ask myself why doesn’t she give me the benefit of the doubt and say to her self “nah, I’m sure he meant something else”. That’s what I do! Because I know she loves me more than anything, and she’d never say or do anything to hurt me. She has said things that really came as a shock for me, but I tried my best to interpret it in another way. I don’t feel right saying this, but I just want you to understand what I’m talking about. Sometimes when we’re about to have sex, if she see that I’m not totally hard she’d smirk and say “that’s it? that’s how hard you’re gonna get?” at first I didn’t know what to think. The second time she said it, I told her that I don’t feel comfortable when she says that. But she kept on saying it if it happened again and 2 seconds after she says it she would say “oh, sorry! I’m really sorry!! I forgot!!”
I was raised in a family where if we weren’t arguing, something was wrong. And I hated arguing the whole time. Sometimes I’d just be sorry for things I didn’t even do just to stop the argument. My wife came from an abusive family (physically), and she was living in a very bad environment and was depressed all the time. I just want her to be happy. I don’t want to bring any sadness in her life, ever. I can’t say no to whatever she wants, and I can’t start an argument or continue with one for the sake of “I’m right and you’re wrong and I won’t change my decision to prove my point”. I really don’t know what to do and I don’t want this feeling to build up inside of me. The feeling of “why does she try to start an argument from nothing?” the feeling of “why am I working so hard to keep her happy, relaxed, comfortable, and care free when she wants me to get everything done for her and always tries to interpret things the wrong way, even if they aren’t remotely close!”
I don’t want to make this sound like it’s an everyday thing… but every time something like this happens, the feeling gets deeper. Do you know what I mean? Like if your boss at work told you “good job” 20 times in a row, then says “what the hell is this? It’s junk!” once. then another good job 20 times, then junk 1 time… all what you think of is the “junk” part.
Sorry for the long post. I just needed to get this off my chest.
