for a few years, always gets worse around the winter months...I have been to counseling, etc. tried myriad of drugs (prescribed that is)...but they arent the whole answer...its the mind it runs me
They are not the whole answer. I fully agree. But I can tell you with 100% certainty that they are a valuable tool in the tool chest. There also has to be someone to talk to (the combination of both). It will take some effort (exercises) on your part to retrain your brain. The things you describe are common feelings that almost all people have at one time or another during their lives. There comes a time in everyone's life when they see that the princesses, castles, and knights in shining armor they thought they'd have all come burning down and we are faced with the REALITY that life is tough, gritty, and dirty. Things seldom are as good as they seem on the outside and many people become disappointed when life doesn't turn out as advertised. But almost as often things we never expected can exceed our expectations beyond belief and make us happy beyond words.
It sounds like you should continue with your therapy and possibly get back on some medication at least until you can find yourself and learn what gets your jello shakin'. Life can be full of thrills and chills and adrenaline rushes - peaks and troughs. Try to start looking for something that lights you up. When I feel things are starting to get mundane, I strap on some friends, cams, and some nuts and go climb a rock face. That's one of my gigs. But I've been downhill skiing (thrilling as hell), scuba diving, sky-diving, mountain biking, you name it. Things that are simply thrilling to me... like saltwater stinging me in the face like a bitch slap going top speed on a jet ski!
Obviously not everyone is going to enjoy the things I like but that's what I need to make me feel thrilled. I get the sense that you need to find something that thrills you.
It's not doing you any good for me to point out the obvious that hating yourself is not going to help you to find "a" life that you can enjoy and be satisfied with BUT not necessarily "the" life you picked out for yourself right?
As for your past, don't need to kill it. Deal with it, embrace it, learn from it, cope with it, but whatever you do, don't kill it. That same past is the past that will help to be what you are to become. If you want to realize the notion that you are part of bigger reality, here's something you might enjoy: go find a spot. Even if you have to drive 100 miles to where there is no light whatsoever from cities or houses and look up at the sky on clear night at our cross section of the Milky Way. You are part of a massive infinite reality and maybe it would help for you to get back in touch with that in a physical way when you visualize the splendor of that.
In any case, please see a professional (even a different doctor if necessary) and continue working with your problems. There are many self-help books out there but some are good and some are just terrible. talking to someone will help - a mentor or a religious figure in your life, a friend, your parents, a doctor.
Once you get out there, you'll realize it's really not so bad. In fact, I believe with absolute certainty that once you get out there and start rallying, you are going to look at this all as a distant memory.
...i really hope that everything gets better for you bro..hang tough
