Wife had an affair

[NPCLight]

Well guys I have just finally been able to type about this as I just found out about 7 weeks ago. We have been going to a GOOD Christian counselor since the day I found out.

Bodybuilding and being pretty much a selfish prick putting things in front of my wife the last 7 years have caused something that I would have NEVER though my wife who was raised in church. Father was a Pastor and mother the pianoist for this church as well.

My wife's first husband abused her physically and she stayed with him for 5 years. She finally got out with her familys help and when we met she had told me that she went BACK to this asshole just for sex 2 times after they had divorced and finally cut it off with him 6 months before we met. He is serving 5 years at Brushy Mountain for drugs and robbery.

Fast forward to 7 weeks ago. I had thought something was going when my wife kept her blackberry locked to where I could not see things on it. I had noticed 2 different names sending her text messages at some wierd times of the day like when she was on her way to work and really late at night when I was asleep. I started checking the phone bill and saw this same number she was calling and the number was calling her too at times when I was not around. I asked about it and she said quit being stupid it's just a girl I work with.

I eventually called the number and a guy answered the line and immediatley hung up on me. She told me it was the girls boyfriend and that he used to take her phone to work with him somtimes. Well the sunday before Easter she made the mistake of sitting her phone on the kitchen table when we got back from church unlocked and walked to bathroom. I picked it up and saw some text from this number saying things like " I need to see you again soon" "I can stand you giving all your time to your husband" etc...

I sat her down and she had told me that it was her supervisor at work and that they had been together about 8 times and it was an emotional affair because I was just not there for her and she turned to this man and it started out as talking then when she got to where she did not want to it turned sexual.

She had told me that she was trying to cut it off and the last texts I saw was him getting mad because she had told him that she was could not do it anymore.

She quit the job, changed her number. BUT....has had a few breakdowns and contacted him a couple of times when she has been depressed because In the past I had not listened...

I have to blame myself a little for this as I have been an asshole..NEVER physically but have done things like put bodybuilding in front of her...

we have worked things out and I believe are going to be ok, but the trust is going to take me a LONG time to overcome.

The biggest thing that blows my mind is the guy.... get this...

27 years old
live with parents
makes about 25k a year..
no license or CAR, due to a DUI
2 year old boy from previous women whom he was not married too..and pays child support
140 lbs soaking wet...

Women I guess just need the emotional support...

I just don't understand what in the hell she was thinking...

[pesty4077]

Originally Posted by NPCLight

Well guys I have just finally been able to type about this as I just found out about 7 weeks ago. We have been going to a GOOD Christian counselor since the day I found out.

Bodybuilding and being pretty much a selfish prick putting things in front of my wife the last 7 years have caused something that I would have NEVER though my wife who was raised in church. Father was a Pastor and mother the pianoist for this church as well.

My wife's first husband abused her physically and she stayed with him for 5 years. She finally got out with her familys help and when we met she had told me that she went BACK to this asshole just for sex 2 times after they had divorced and finally cut it off with him 6 months before we met. He is serving 5 years at Brushy Mountain for drugs and robbery.

Fast forward to 7 weeks ago. I had thought something was going when my wife kept her blackberry locked to where I could not see things on it. I had noticed 2 different names sending her text messages at some wierd times of the day like when she was on her way to work and really late at night when I was asleep. I started checking the phone bill and saw this same number she was calling and the number was calling her too at times when I was not around. I asked about it and she said quit being stupid it's just a girl I work with.

I eventually called the number and a guy answered the line and immediatley hung up on me. She told me it was the girls boyfriend and that he used to take her phone to work with him somtimes. Well the sunday before Easter she made the mistake of sitting her phone on the kitchen table when we got back from church unlocked and walked to bathroom. I picked it up and saw some text from this number saying things like " I need to see you again soon" "I can stand you giving all your time to your husband" etc...

I sat her down and she had told me that it was her supervisor at work and that they had been together about 8 times and it was an emotional affair because I was just not there for her and she turned to this man and it started out as talking then when she got to where she did not want to it turned sexual.

She had told me that she was trying to cut it off and the last texts I saw was him getting mad because she had told him that she was could not do it anymore.

She quit the job, changed her number. BUT....has had a few breakdowns and contacted him a couple of times when she has been depressed because In the past I had not listened...

I have to blame myself a little for this as I have been an asshole..NEVER physically but have done things like put bodybuilding in front of her...

we have worked things out and I believe are going to be ok, but the trust is going to take me a LONG time to overcome.

The biggest thing that blows my mind is the guy.... get this...

27 years old
live with parents
makes about 25k a year..
no license or CAR, due to a DUI
2 year old boy from previous women whom he was not married too..and pays child support
140 lbs soaking wet...

Women I guess just need the emotional support...

I just don't understand what in the hell she was thinking...

Being a Christan myself, I know how important marriage is. I know it is not my business, but when you say affair, do you mean sexual or she was just spending time with someone? That would a big difference. Glad you two are trying to work it out and I will be praying for your marriage.

[crg914]

That's tough bro. Good luck to you getting through it. I will keep you in my prayers. I must say though, even though putting bodybuilding before your family is not the right thing to do, that is no excuse for what she did and you should not blame yourself. The right thing to do would be for her to have come to you as a wife, and adult and try to discuss things to convey how she was feeling instead of relying on the emotional support of another man.

How long have you guys been together/married? In addition to seeing the counselor, do you attend church weekly? My fiance and I go every Sunday and I have an analogy for you that I really like. Think of you and your wife as the two base points of a triangle and God as the top point. The closer each of you grows toward God, the closer you also end up growing to each other. I hope you can visualize what I mean.

At any rate, I wish you the best, and am glad you're making steps in the direction of recovery.

[NPCLight]

Originally Posted by pesty4077

Being a Christan myself, I know how important marriage is. I know it is not my business, but when you say affair, do you mean sexual or she was just spending time with someone? That would a big difference. Glad you two are trying to work it out and I will be praying for your marriage.

It was emotional at first then turned sexual after about 3 months of just "talking" to him about her depression, they were sexual about 8 times from what she has told me and it was over a 6 week period...

My bodybuilding days are OVER. PERIOD... She has started working out with me which in the past is something she resented but now actually is starting to enjoy it so I am praying everyday that god will keep her faith to me and she can stay strong in our marriage.

[NPCLight]

Originally Posted by crg914

That's tough bro. Good luck to you getting through it. I will keep you in my prayers. I must say though, even though putting bodybuilding before your family is not the right thing to do, that is no excuse for what she did and you should not blame yourself. The right thing to do would be for her to have come to you as a wife, and adult and try to discuss things to convey how she was feeling instead of relying on the emotional support of another man.

How long have you guys been together/married? In addition to seeing the counselor, do you attend church weekly? My fiance and I go every Sunday and I have an analogy for you that I really like. Think of you and your wife as the two base points of a triangle and God as the top point. The closer each of you grows toward God, the closer you also end up growing to each other. I hope you can visualize what I mean.

At any rate, I wish you the best, and am glad you're making steps in the direction of recovery.

Yes we attended UP UNTIL I picked up a 2nd job that I recently quit in Jan..right before this happen. We have been together for 7.5 years married for 7..we got married pretty quickly we just knew we were meant for each other..she was pregnant with our son in less than 2 months after we got married

God is the reason we have overcome this up to this point and I believe we will be ok. I have been praying for him to give me the strengh to start trusting her and forgiving this other man.. its HARD... VERY HARD..

[pesty4077]

Originally Posted by NPCLight

It was emotional at first then turned sexual after about 3 months of just "talking" to him about her depression, they were sexual about 8 times from what she has told me and it was over a 6 week period...

My bodybuilding days are OVER. PERIOD... She has started working out with me which in the past is something she resented but now actually is starting to enjoy it so I am praying everyday that god will keep her faith to me and she can stay strong in our marriage.

I gave up on BB for 18 years, it can be a selfish sport. At this stage of my life, it does not effect me the same, meaning it isn't the most important thing in my life. The most important thing is 1.) God 2.) family 3.) everything else. Weight training will keep you focus however and there is health benefits, you just have to learn not to put it in front of your family. I would not blame myself for your wife's affair, that is temptation, which she gave into. Do, you need to put your wife first and spend quality time with her? YES! It is a hard thing to get through and the only thing that will heal it is prayer. I would spend more time with her and spend qaulity time with other Christans and Church, and most important, pray together and ask God to put this behind you. I have to admire you, most would have put their wives away and get a divorce. What ever decision you do, prayer to God and ask for his guidance.

[triathloncoach]

Let's just say I have experience with wives that cheat. Please don't blame yourself. There is no excuse other than the person is bored and only thinking of themself. Nothing more common than a spouse who feels that they are not appreciated and bored. A guy could make a living seducing women who feel unappreciated. Please. There's alot of women married to fantastic guys who cheat.

It's easy for someone who you share no real world responsibility (bills, kids, house work, career, retirement savings, health etc.) to devote all their attention on you. He's a 27 year old guy who lives with his parents. What else is the guy gonna do but talk about how wonderful your wife is. The fucker doesn't have to talk about paying the bills, fixing the house, dealing with illness. The odds are stacked against the spouse.

Don't blame yourself. I'm certainly not religious, and I hope your faith continues to help you. But cheating gets down into real world physical and pyschological trenches.

You really should make this other guy realize he has some skin in the game. Bad things should happen to you when someone finds out you are paying too much attention to their wife. Although speaking from experience that rarely happens because the husband is too afraid of really losing the wife. Bad decision. It won't end unless the guy feels it's really not in his best interest to stick around.

[NPCLight]

Originally Posted by triathloncoach

Let's just say I have experience with wives that cheat. Please don't blame yourself. There is no excuse other than the person is bored and only thinking of themself. Nothing more common than a spouse who feels that they are not appreciated and bored. A guy could make a living seducing women who feel unappreciated. Please. There's alot of women married to fantastic guys who cheat.

It's easy for someone who you share no real world responsibility (bills, kids, house work, career, retirement savings, health etc.) to devote all their attention on you. He's a 27 year old guy who lives with his parents. What else is the guy gonna do but talk about how wonderful your wife is. The fucker doesn't have to talk about paying the bills, fixing the house, dealing with illness. The odds are stacked against the spouse.

Don't blame yourself. I'm certainly not religious, and I hope your faith continues to help you. But cheating gets down into real world physical and pyschological trenches.

You really should make this other guy realize he has some skin in the game. Bad things should happen to you when someone finds out you are paying too much attention to their wife. Although speaking from experience that rarely happens because the husband is too afraid of really losing the wife. Bad decision. It won't end unless the guy feels it's really not in his best interest to stick around.

I had my wife take a pregnancy testand get an STD panel test, and if this guy would have given my wife anything or had gotten her pregnant he would be HURTING BAD right now trust me...but he will pay in the end..karma will get him. The next husband he does this too might not be as passive as I have been through this. I do agree with you on some of your points...I would like to see him suffer some

[triathloncoach]

First of all, I can't imagine your grief and I wish you the best. I'm certainly not saying to do anything that will get you in legal trouble, but he needs to know that future contact with your wife will have serious reprecussions for him. And your wife needs to know the same. Or throw in the towel on having the kind of relationship you deserve. Best.

[NPCLight]

Originally Posted by triathloncoach

First of all, I can't imagine your grief and I wish you the best. I'm certainly not saying to do anything that will get you in legal trouble, but he needs to know that future contact with your wife will have serious reprecussions for him. And your wife needs to know the same. Or throw in the towel on having the kind of relationship you deserve. Best.

I did that already...after she told me and he tried to contact her I called and left him a nice lenghy voice mail...basically saying if you value your job and you reputation you will leave my wife alone or will suffer some serious consequences..I never once metioned any physical harm I am am smarter than that..

[cpesloco]

triathlon coach is right. Without fear nothing matters. He doesn't have a spouse to fear for himself, so it's left up to you. He has nothing to lose at home, you do.

[Gators]

It sounds like a textbook case of wife feels ignored, looks for emotional support, then runs into a predator, and he takes advantage of her. These type of guys make my blood boil. I know the feeling, very similar thing happened to me, my ex says it never turned sexual, and although i tend to believe her, i really don't know, to me the emotional affair was bad enough. We went to counseling, things got better, she did it again, caught her early on. Went back to counseling, things got better, then she asked for a divorce Dec 30 of 08, signed papers almost 2 weeks ago. While we were separated, she had a affair, we were separated in the house, and she left her blackberry on the counter, text came in, and i read it.

It hurts, and it takes a long time to develop trust back, i never did fully, in the back of my mind i always wondered, not a daily thought, but it was lurking. It was 3 yrs of hell, no way to sugar coat it. Your situation sounds much more salvageable, you've got your head screwed on straight, even the forgiveness of him part, i have yet to conquer that, but my animosity has lessened, i see the loser occasionally, and he turns the other way.

Great book to read is His Needs Her Needs, outstanding, helps you and her understand things much more clearer and get the tools in place to prevent this from happening again.

Ya'll are in my prayers, stay strong in Him

[HOTROCKS]

Did you ever cheat on her ?

[VallhallaOrBust]

NPCLight: You are right to ignore the 27 year old imo. Once a cheat always a cheat. It will be someone else next time...

[Nikopapp]

I feel for you brother, this sounds like an excruciating time in your life.

My problem is that she had "relapses" after you had started counseling.

You sound like a battered woman, saying it is your fault.

Why would her cheating ever be your fault?

If she had problems with you and bodybuilding, well then, she should have told you that and let you know that she was not going to take it anymore and was lonely.

Adultery is wrong, and if she went back to him after you found out, that tells me that she has a weakness for the guy, and for me, that would have been the final straw if you were trying to work things out.

Which is worse, divorce, or adultery?

I would pick divorce to be honest with you.

I could see if you forgave her when you found out, and gave her a 2nd chance.

But after she went back again, that should have been it IMHO.

Again, these are only my views, and I have never experienced this, so I wish you the best of luck with this situation and at least worst case scenario you will come out of this a wiser person.

[Pekkerwood]

NPC:

Sorry to hear about your difficulties. I'm glad you have a faith to call on to help you through. I would offer a couple of points.

1. The odds on cheating twice after cheating once are 8000% higher than a spouse that has never cheated. The first time took a long time, was probably a huge decision, the second time less so. Painful but true. Doesn't mean she will, just means the odds are much worse.

2. While the young man was 27 he was in a position of authority with her at work. I am not litigous in nature, even though I employ an attorney full time. There would potentially be a case for liability for both the supervisor and the business owner. You do have losses that are recoverable. She quit her job. The counseling, stress etc.

3. You cannot live your life in fear/worry of what someone else might do. If you cannot regain a level of trust to where here laid out phone holds no interest to you whatsoever, you have not yet gotten back to a good place in the relationship.

I am not a Christian. I am somewhat jealous of those who are. From my limited knowledge of the faith, to forgive, is to treat it like it never happened. I don't know if I could ever live up to the Christian faith on this one (among others). I hope you can.

I wish you peace of mind in your time of need.

[NPCLight]

Originally Posted by Nikopapp

I feel for you brother, this sounds like an excruciating time in your life.

My problem is that she had "relapses" after you had started counseling.

You sound like a battered woman, saying it is your fault.

Why would her cheating ever be your fault?

If she had problems with you and bodybuilding, well then, she should have told you that and let you know that she was not going to take it anymore and was lonely.

Adultery is wrong, and if she went back to him after you found out, that tells me that she has a weakness for the guy, and for me, that would have been the final straw if you were trying to work things out.

Which is worse, divorce, or adultery?

I would pick divorce to be honest with you.

I could see if you forgave her when you found out, and gave her a 2nd chance.

But after she went back again, that should have been it IMHO.

Again, these are only my views, and I have never experienced this, so I wish you the best of luck with this situation and at least worst case scenario you will come out of this a wiser person.

The bad thing is that SHE DID TELL me to stop competing numerous times...I was so damn hard headed and driven I ignored it as her just "bitching" about it. She told me that since she had to quit the job and change her number immediately she never got any "closure" from the whole thing. She said " I did this and I need to close it myself" this is what she told the counselor..

My wife is very thin by nature...5'9" and 135 lbs...never worked out up until she told me about this.. She has said after putting me through this hell and that I am willing to give up and do some things she wants to do, she want to return the favor and do things I like to as well. I believe things are slowly improving.

[Gators]

Her contacting him again to me isn't a deal breaker, she got used to being able to lean on someone emotionally, as long as she didn't go back and get sexually involved.

I do admire you for taking some responsibility, i had to do the same. Truth is, we're supposed to be there for our spouse, and when we're not, this can happen, bot saying she was right in doing what she did, she was not, no excuse. Sounds like you took that hard look at yourself and admitted you could have done better as a husband, hard to admit that...

We all make mistakes, Christ calls us to forgive, IMO if she is truly sorry and never goes that route again, then i would try and work it out, but if does or attempt to go outside of the marriage for things that need to stay between husband and wife, then i would leave. I did not leave the 2nd time in my marriage, and it was a mistake...

[NPCLight]

Originally Posted by Gators

Her contacting him again to me isn't a deal breaker, she got used to being able to lean on someone emotionally, as long as she didn't go back and get sexually involved.

I do admire you for taking some responsibility, i had to do the same. Truth is, we're supposed to be there for our spouse, and when we're not, this can happen, bot saying she was right in doing what she did, she was not, no excuse. Sounds like you took that hard look at yourself and admitted you could have done better as a husband, hard to admit that...

We all make mistakes, Christ calls us to forgive, IMO if she is truly sorry and never goes that route again, then i would try and work it out, but if does or attempt to go outside of the marriage for things that need to stay between husband and wife, then i would leave. I did not leave the 2nd time in my marriage, and it was a mistake...

Yeah I manned up and admitted my mistakes and believe me she IS NOT letting me take the blame. She has told me numerous times she feels like "white trash", "total crap" Etc.... I told her last night after talking with our counselor if she contacts him again that I need to start thinking about my feelings and LEAVE he said at this point she contacting him agian is showing a lot of disrespect.. She has assured me that she has stepped all over me enough and it is OVER with him, no contact, text...anything. She and I are praying EVERYDAY to make her strong..

[Gators]

you are right on, and the praying together is awesome, that, imo, will save your marriage and end up making it stronger.