Wife wants a divorce, need advice :/.

[Lumpi]

Just for my understanding - is she cheating on you?

I couldn't imagine trying to make it work, if she did.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Oh man.... religion involved? Yikes. That can certainly make a mess of things. Because there is none less zen than the Buddhist, none less loving than the Christian, none more lost than the Taoist, and none less disciplined than the Muslim.

But! That she believes at all, shows that she is looking for some meaning and purpose in all of this and not just the fleeting comforts and pleasures the Earth may have to offer. That's a good quality to find in your spouse. If a person never attempts to find a deeper, higher meaning of existence, they're very likely to die having led a trite meaningless life.

I understand why you took some efforts to preserve some wealth. I also did in the beginning. I had built a respectable portfolio so I get it. But listen, and I'm just saying so can take note. You say you want to make efforts as a couple to be 100% all in with this relationship while you're moving wealth around creating 'a healthy buffer' at the same time. See what I'm getting at?

In time, with some effort you may learn to trust each other completely. Lack of trust is the #1 relationship killer. If you don't have trust, what have you got? Right now, it sounds as if you both have a toe in the water but are afraid to jump in the pool. You can't swim and play if you don't jump in.

Based on your last post though, I believe whatever happens, you'll be in a good place and that's great news! Keep us posted.

 

[NovaPharma]

I still stand kick her to the curb.

 

[buck]

Sounds like you found a side to your wife you hadn't seen or wouldn't let yourself see. Nothing you can do about how another person acts of what they want. If she had actually been fuming for awhile it would show that you are not as in tune with her as you think you were. But we all have done that to some degree to see things how we want. I quit trying get women to my way of thinking some time back as i found it didn't work. If they say it is over i say OK and am pleasant with them. But that is mostly for my sake. I have to live with my actions. If they say the want to keep trying i only put as much into it as they do. If they want me to change i explain to them that i will make up my list of changes that they will need to make if they want to move forward that way.

 

[Virtuous]

Just for my understanding - is she cheating on you?

I couldn't imagine trying to make it work, if she did.

I don’t know.

Cliff notes version, when she got super drunk in New Orleans (I was visiting the last day of her work trip), she kicked me out of her hotel room half the night and was yelling across the entire lobby of a massive downtown hotel that she’s gonna find other guys to fuck and that she hates me.

Not ashamed to say I happen to work in tech and while I’m no Uber nerd I’m handy enough to say I was able to go through all her private communication on every app, email, text, etc - she’s either keeping no records, deleting anything, or isn’t cheating. I’ve repeated this like 4 times the past week and nothing. Either she’s just smashing ransoms on trips, or not cheating. My gut actually says she’s not, tbh.

 

[Virtuous]

Oh man.... religion involved? Yikes. That can certainly make a mess of things. Because there is none less zen than the Buddhist, none less loving than the Christian, none more lost than the Taoist, and none less disciplined than the Muslim.

But! That she believes at all, shows that she is looking for some meaning and purpose in all of this and not just the fleeting comforts and pleasures the Earth may have to offer. That's a good quality to find in your spouse. If a person never attempts to find a deeper, higher meaning of existence, they're very likely to die having led a trite meaningless life.

I understand why you took some efforts to preserve some wealth. I also did in the beginning. I had built a respectable portfolio so I get it. But listen, and I'm just saying so can take note. You say you want to make efforts as a couple to be 100% all in with this relationship while you're moving wealth around creating 'a healthy buffer' at the same time. See what I'm getting at?

In time, with some effort you may learn to trust each other completely. Lack of trust is the #1 relationship killer. If you don't have trust, what have you got? Right now, it sounds as if you both have a toe in the water but are afraid to jump in the pool. You can't swim and play if you don't jump in.

Based on your last post though, I believe whatever happens, you'll be in a good place and that's great news! Keep us posted.

You’re right, it’s a measure that shows I’m not all in. But I’m not all in right now, I need time to verify.

I might be a dick for doing that, but I honestly feel no guilt. She started this mess, I’m putting up a financial buffer to protect myself until I know things are resolved, and if not, I come out of this financially whole.

One thing no one can take from me is my career success. I work 60-70 hour weeks and get paid more than a heart surgeon to do a job I earned through grit and hard work.

I’m okay with gambling with my emotions, I can get over heartbreak - I’m not gonna gamble with a decade of busting my ass lol. If we split I already wasted relationship time, not gonna waste career time too.

I totally know you’re not suggesting I don’t do this and I see your point entirely, and I suspect you agree with my current course.

If we fix things, the funds return.

 

[Shadow Project]

she’s gonna find other guys to fuck

Thats not very Christian of her tho.

 

[Virtuous]

Thats not very Christian of her tho.

Bro you’re talking to a guy who’s not very Christian either

I agree man. Guard is up and I’m protected.

I don’t need to appease my ego and dump her over words, but the second I found out there’s actions accompanying them I’m out.

I made a choice to marry her knowing she’s imperfect, I’m gonna respect my choice for a while longer to see how it shakes out. I’m still a kid - I’m 32. If this does end up ending I’ve still got decades, I can spend a couple months here.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

You’re right, it’s a measure that shows I’m not all in. But I’m not all in right now, I need time to verify.

I might be a dick for doing that, but I honestly feel no guilt. She started this mess, I’m putting up a financial buffer to protect myself until I know things are resolved, and if not, I come out of this financially whole.

One thing no one can take from me is my career success. I work 60-70 hour weeks and get paid more than a heart surgeon to do a job I earned through grit and hard work.

I’m okay with gambling with my emotions, I can get over heartbreak - I’m not gonna gamble with a decade of busting my ass lol. If we split I already wasted relationship time, not gonna waste career time too.

I totally know you’re not suggesting I don’t do this and I see your point entirely, and I suspect you agree with my current course.

If we fix things, the funds return.

I understand completely. If my wife and I were really on the rocks, I would start to protect or at least start thinking about my own personal assets also. I'm certainly not going to throw a flag on the play. I was only using that as an illustration.

I'm a little different though because my wife and I both signed a prenuptial agreement on investment accounts, property, etc. There are certain accounts and assets of mine that she simply won't get. Just as there are things of hers that she would leave with that she brought in.

We actually joke about it at times as to where to put income and name of ownership because I keep asking her if she's planning on rigging my brakes or poisoning me. Then she'd get almost everything and would be dancing around a fountain in Paris or some shit. LOL

But back to the reply, I am happy for your success. I hope you continue to be successful. It's always good to hear. A lot a families are struggling out there.

Like you two, my wife and I are also on the go, financially savvy, and go to a lot of social functions from Seattle to the Caymans. We've had some bumps in the road but even after 12 years I'm still crazy for her.

 

[Virtuous]

I understand completely. If my wife and I were really on the rocks, I would start to protect or at least start thinking about my own personal assets also. I'm certainly not going to throw a flag on the play. I was only using that as an illustration.

I'm a little different though because my wife and I both signed a prenuptial agreement on investment accounts, property, etc. There are certain accounts and assets of mine that she simply won't get. Just as there are things of hers that she would leave with that she brought in.

We actually joke about it at times as to where to put income and name of ownership because I keep asking her if she's planning on rigging my brakes or poisoning me. Then she'd get almost everything and would be dancing around a fountain in Paris or some shit. LOL

But back to the reply, I am happy for your success. I hope you continue to be successful. It's always good to hear. A lot a families are struggling out there.

Like you two, my wife and I are also on the go, financially savvy, and go to a lot of social functions from Seattle to the Caymans. We've had some bumps in the road but even after 12 years I'm still crazy for her.

I hope in 10-11 years I can say the same if my marriage, man.

I love her, which is why I’m still here, and posted this thread. The logical thing would be to bounce, but love is an odd drug.

Edit to add: she started dating me when I drove a beat down 2004 Acura TL and made 75k/year. Same field, just waaaay lower on the career ladder. She didn’t pick me for my money, she supported me and my crazy work to get to the point i am at. We’ve dated and been married a total of 4 years now.

When weighing my decisions in the past week and a half, that has factored in.

 

[Othello]

so she has cheated on you multiple times with multiple men

she gets blasted drunk, and her first instinct is to sink a knife in you (metaphorically), and twist it any way she can

people who love you don't betray you by being unfaithful... and they don't try to hurt you



it's weird to me that you're putting up with this.


the only way this situation could really get any worse is if she was a single mother when you married her

 

[crtx85]

this aint wife material you need to really wake up. lucky you dont have any kids with her. and she aint your best friend not in her eyes anyways.

your either batting above your average or just plain stupid.

If my wife ever said any shit like that to me i'd show her the front door and she knows it.

 

[Virtuous]

the only way this situation could really get any worse is if she was a single mother when you married her

Well… about that

 

[Othello]

Well… about that

this can't be real



i refuse to believe it

 

[Virtuous]

this can't be real



i refuse to believe it

To be fair I love that little shit

 

[Othello]

To be fair I love that little shit

well.. good luck i guess

 

[manam]

well.. good luck i guess

inb4.. i caught her getting nailed by another guy.. i offered to get them some drinks and snacks.. she told me to fuck off.. i was just trying to be nice..

 

[OuchThatHurts]

inb4.. i caught her getting nailed by another guy.. i offered to get them some drinks and snacks.. she told me to fuck off.. i was just trying to be nice..

There was no "her" or "she".

 

[SL1CED]

I’ll save you a lot of stress, worry, overthinking and trying to make sense of it.


Just GET OUT now. She has 0 respect for you and she’s not worth your time. Respect yourself and move on.


Sorry that happened man but time to move forward.

This.

If she wants divorce, say okay, move on and leave. Don't beg, don't plead. Best thing to tell a woman that wants to leave is okay, leave.

And then better yourself some. Get bigger(and leaner), make more money, groom better. Do your best. If you do your best, you'll be a higher prize in the dating market place and find someone that respects you. Respect is the most important thing in a relationship. Once it's lost, it's over.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

I watch this thread and the incel energy is so palpable it's hilarious. Yeah, you be big man, take no shit, dump woman, get replacement!

By a bunch of guys whose masturbation is the closest to intimacy they'll ever get.