Anyways I come home from the hospital a week ago and sure as shit theres a for sale sign in the front yard etc.... I immediately feel sick/angry/confused. My ex wife(in the process of devorce) and I still live there with my 15yr old stepson. My wife and I have been togethe for 12 years. Anyways Im bewildered about this. Now mind you my wife starts telling me how, I need to call the morgage company and see what it is we owe so we can start a selling price. Weve been here about 6 years now. I love my home. Hell I love my wife too but sometimes I guess that isnt enough. Anyways I feel like my world is slowly being ripped apart. So last night my wife went out. She has been going out basically every night she doesnt have to work. It hurts me severely to see her going out nightly. Shes 35 yrs old for gods sake. Anyways I get a call from a freind whos wife works with my wife. He says basically his wife was hinting around that my wife has been seeing somebody but his wife wouldnt give him any more info. Anyways my heart sunk. I felt like vomiting. I didnt know what to do. So what do I do??? I call her like freaking idiot. I tell her that I thought it was pretty low to be seeing someone before im even out the door. The she says "weve been seperated for 8 months, its none of your F---ing buisness". Then said "im not but agian were not together nor will we ever be again". You see the story is a few years ago A girl I knew from highschool found my name on classmates. com. Which I used for my class reunion. Anyways this lady sent me a bunch of e-mails. She was married, I was married. We talked back and forth like old freinds. Then shit changed and she started sending innappropriate shit like saying she was in love with me etc....... I have pretty low self esteem. My ego was stroked like no other. Anyways I said some innappropriate shit back, not like I love you but some stupid shit nonetheless. Well little did I know my wife had some crazy key logger program on my PC so she had all my passwords to accounts etc..... And prints out my e-mails etc..... I was seriously screwed. This was 3 years ago. I felt horrible. I knew it was wrong, I just liked the attention. Like I said I have pretty low self esteem. So we split up for a whole summer. I went to counselling as well as she did. I felt like I wanted to kill myself. I couldnt believe what I had done. I was a fool, and paid the ultimate price. Somehow I called her one day and told her how I felt and we went to a counselor and things starting getting better. All was well until about 8 months ago. My buddy tells me he saw some girl we went to school with. Anyways I look her name on myspace. Mind you shes 300lbs plus. Then I was thinking "I wonder if the girl from classmates.com was fucking over some other guys life. I looked her name up. But I made a fake myspace name up etc....just because I dont need a myspace account no real reason for it for me. So my wife comes home in the middle of the night crying and screaming about how i mad a fake myspace account so I could rekindle "my romantic endeavors". I was like what the hell???? I told her the truth about why I looked up the name. Then she said who the hell was this other girls name I looked up??? I told her I wasnt even trying to contact anyone. This was the gods honest truth I told her no lies and was completely honest. She said " your a sneaky bastard, trying to pull your old shit agian huh??" I told her no way would I risk my family agian. She said to bad so sad. She said "I trusted you again and you did it again" I told her the truth but I guess thats not good enough. Anyways Ive been feeling like a part of my soul is gone for the last 8 months. I cant eat or sleep worth a shit. I truly love my wife. Now also when I met her she had a devistating situation. Her previous husband was killed in an explosion at his job. I had a few freinds that were very good freinds with the guy. My friends told me that when she was married before they were on the verge of devorce but that she would hold her sone over the husbands head saying if he divorced her shou would make it hell to ever see his son agian. Anyway My father died when I was 8 years old. I know what its like to have someone die that is very close to you. So anyways my wife tells me on the phone last night "the reason our marriage didnt work is because Im still in love my diceased husband, I love him and I miss him" That hit me like a ton of bricks. Then spouts of " I never really dealt with it, maybe that is why our relationship was bad from the start". This blew me away. She said her and my stepson have been in couseling for the last 4 weeks. She said " I never realised that I was still in love with him". This shit floored me. I said so this was a sham???? She said " I still care about you , but we will never be together agian, ever period". She than said that my stepson views me as "his dad". Again Hit me in the stomach. I love my stepson dearly and have raised him as my own. I have no biological children. I feel resposible for this whole mess but what the hell can I do???? I love her so much. Im hurting so much I dont know what to do. I feel like im on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My ex states that she needs to heal from her former husband " I need to heal, I need to be self sufficient, I dont need a man for any of this". I said I needed her in my life. She said " you should have thought about that before you decided to recontact your old fling". I told her the truth and thats all I can do. She doesnt believe me of course. However I swear on my fathers grave that it is the truth. I feel like moving out of my state. I practice medicine and I can basically work anywhere there is a hospital etc... Then my ex says "how will you see your stepson". I told her I can not deal with this all right now. Im going to have to sit by and watch my ex date men etc....While I feel like shit and to be a good role model for the boy.....I cant handle this right now. I love him also but what about me???? I can not bear the thought of seeing my exwife with someone else. Im going to go back in to counselling agian. I know it will do me some good. To me this is redicilous. When you love someone you dont just say "thats it I quit, no more love for you" You never stop. At least thats how I feel. Its not a sprint its a marathon in life.
