marital problems

tomuchgear · Aug 19, 2008

ok guys i am sure ouch is going to have a freaking field day with this. well any way here goes. my wife and i have been together almost six years. the first couple were needles to say rocky lets not get into that. well any way we went through that rough patch. things were going great. well now its going to shit again. i am all for my wife having friends no big deal. its becoming a problem though. as in she doesnt talk to me at all. she talks to her friends bout her problems our problems you name it. trieng to talk to her is becoming like pulling teeth. with our jobs time is needles to say fleeting. we dont get any real alone time. we have two kids, and are very peticular bout who watches our kids. both of us had some real freakng bad shit happen when we were kids. well who hasnt moving on. we get a sitter her hoe married friend keeps calling. she invites her little brother up to spend the night. no alone time. we get the option put the kids down to bed. she starts reading a book or texting her hoe friend. on to the reason the friend is a hoe. this chick started making me feel like way uncomfortable. telling me random things when my wife was not around. just dumb shit didnt think much of it. well she texts me the other night no clue how she got my number. asks me bout a movie she isnt understanding the plot. asks if we can meet up. i am like well tommorrow when all of us get together to let the kids play sure. she is like no l8r tonight since the wife was goin to sleep. me bieng the dumbass i am asked why. well nothing happend forwarded the txts to a good friend of mine like dude is this what i think it is. he was like ya it is. so i showed it to my wife. shit hit the fan. got the wife calmed down. well she seems like she is more pissed at me than the freaking girl. what the hell. steady distance is building between us as the days have been passing. i try and get her to talk i dont get much of anything. she says that our marriage is great, and there is nothing wrong. am i reading into some thing that is not there or what. usualy when people dont freaking talk and all that some thing is wrong ya know. she really sees nothing wrong with this whole situation. today she went to a funeral that she made this big deal about. well needless to say i am at home. i dont get it she waited to tell me bout it. i am like what the hell can you make me feel any less needed in this marraige.

so there is my rant any suggestions?

B1gJ1m · Aug 19, 2008

Damn bro, that's a tough place to be in. How old is your wife? The reason I'm asking is it kind of seems like maybe she isn't mature enough to see thale real issues in the relationship. We all have issues to deal with wether its work stress, family issues or whatever. Will she not sit down with you one on one and listen to you, not just listen but really hear you? When times are tough you need to be able to count on your spouse to be there. Communication is so important in a relationship. It kind sounds like you're at two different places in you life. I hope it all works out for you.

tomuchgear · Aug 19, 2008

she is twenty five. ya thats kinda the problem we have talked bout things. some times its like she listens things change for a bit then get worse. i am kinda getting to the point that i dont see a reason to stay. i love my kids, and i love her. my issue is if i cant be happy with her or with out her is it better to be with out. i really dont know what the hell to do. normaly when things get bad i just look towards the future and have faith that it will get better. i am runnin a bit low on faith these days.

B1gJ1m · Aug 19, 2008

Have you told her exactly how bad the situation is for you? I get what you're saying about a little progress then BAM, two steps forward and one step back. Only two things will cause her to change her behavior, first, she has to recognize the issues and problems. Second, she must agree to fix them. One without the other is no solution at all. You can't change what you fail to acknowledge. And if you fail to acknowledge it, you certainl can't fix it. I think you neee to do some searching in yourself. Make sure you know what you want, and any consequences associated with the actions taken to get what it is you want. Stay away from ultimatums with her. Those usually have negative effects. Good luck.

oldfella · Aug 19, 2008

Have you really told her exactly how you feel? I mean in a very concerned caring sort of way? Maybe she just needs it spelled out for her a bit more. The other option is suggest going to a counsellor together. Denial is often a cover up for the truth that things are not really all that good. But if you lose communication then you have a very bad situation on your hands. I understand the helpless feeling you are going through, in fact many of us here understand it, but you need her to understand it. The only way that will happen is with communication. If she will not open up to you she might open up to a counsellor. OH and the Hoe, put some distance between you and her. That is trouble brewing big time. You just don't want to go there!!! In fact you might tell the hoe that what she is trying on is not appreciated or welcome. Let her know that you are faithful and happy with your wife. That will get back to your wife pretty fast!

tomuchgear · Aug 20, 2008

thanks for the advice guys. as for the hoe i told her not to text or call my phone. still have no idea how she got my number. not really important. i dunno to answer the earlier question i do know what i want. i want to be with my wife. i want things to get better. a counselour sounds like a good idea. some thing has to give. thanks guys really appriciate it.

OuchThatHurts · Aug 20, 2008

tomuchgear said:
thanks for the advice guys. as for the hoe i told her not to text or call my phone. still have no idea how she got my number. not really important. i dunno to answer the earlier question i do know what i want. i want to be with my wife. i want things to get better. a counselour sounds like a good idea. some thing has to give. thanks guys really appriciate it.

I think that's a good idea honestly. It just sounds like you both together maybe have some problems or issues that were never addressed or at least not fully. Sometimes couples have problems but then they have kids, get involved with their careers, and the problems seem to go away and everything seems okay. Then when things slow down or start to level off, the same problems resurface. If you feel a distance growing between you and you really want to keep this relationship going then you and her are going to have to talk about it. You can do it yourselves like some others here have suggested or talk about it with someone. One thing is for certain and that is that you both have a lot to discuss if you want to stay together. What's even more important here is that the lives of your children should carry considerable weight in whatever you decide to do because the outcome of their lives will be affected by every decision you make together.

tomuchgear · Aug 20, 2008

OuchThatHurts said:
I think that's a good idea honestly. It just sounds like you both together maybe have some problems or issues that were never addressed or at least not fully. Sometimes couples have problems but then they have kids, get involved with their careers, and the problems seem to go away and everything seems okay. Then when things slow down or start to level off, the same problems resurface. If you feel a distance growing between you and you really want to keep this relationship going then you and her are going to have to talk about it. You can do it yourselves like some others here have suggested or talk about it with someone. One thing is for certain and that is that you both have a lot to discuss if you want to stay together. What's even more important here is that the lives of your children should carry considerable weight in whatever you decide to do because the outcome of their lives will be affected by every decision you make together.

hmm like i said the first few years of our marriage was rough to say the least. so i can see how old fears could come back into play. no there was no cheating or any thing like that. we had alot of stress hit real quick, and outside influence that was not the best. we spent more time apart than we did together. so i can see how there could be a fear that under to much stress i may walk. how do i explain that to her? i mean do i just need to address the issues tell her when she is ready to talk i will be waiting or what?

cpesloco · Aug 20, 2008

same problem a lot of people are having. I had them to, heres the raw uncut truth from experience.

1. Seek Counceling
2. When your there, address all concerns, do not hold back
3. Address your expectations (perhaps neither of you can live up to each others)
4. Kids are affected whether you stay together unhappy or split and become happy.
5. if your not talking there is something wrong
6. without communciation you have shit, and even with some communication you still have shit
7. both parties need to decide if they want to continue and not because of the kids.

tomuchgear · Aug 20, 2008

well we talked very open ended but we talked. i avoided ultimatums, told her to think things over. she listened more so this time. kissed me told me she loved me. i addressed the fact that if she cant see any thing wrong then nothing will change. asked if there was a underlieng issue from her/our past. told her when she is ready to talk i am here. i also told her my fears bout what is going on. didnt hold much back didnt really give her much time to respond or storm off. laid it out so now its the waiting game.

tomuchgear · Aug 20, 2008

ok guys here is the update. we talked she apoligized said there is not issue that has not been dealt with. the funeral thing she said she did need me. she just didnt need me to be there if that makes since. she said just knowing that i would have taken off work is enough. i run my own business taking off work means i put my clients on hold lol. she said mostly right now its just really stress related. that thing will get better. she said she understands my reservations, and we will work on them. she explained its more all the stress we have in our lives right now, and we will work on our communication. didnt say much of any thing bout the hoe. i am thinking of getting my damn number changed though. so as far as that one goes still up in the damn air i guess. well we are moving in less than a month, and she wants us to be in the new house together. i told her that one way or another her and the kids will be in the new house. she wants us to be in the new house

that made me happy. well hopefuly things are looking up. if they go down hill again then counseling is the next step. as for me though right now i am going to go do one of those self less act of love things lol. going to go buy a new rose bush for her rose garden. hope that puts a smile on her face. yellow has some interesting meanings so i will go that route. thanks again guys for your advice i will update this thread should things change. any other tips are always appriciated.

OuchThatHurts · Aug 21, 2008

tomuchgear said:
ok guys here is the update. we talked she apoligized said there is not issue that has not been dealt with. the funeral thing she said she did need me. she just didnt need me to be there if that makes since. she said just knowing that i would have taken off work is enough. i run my own business taking off work means i put my clients on hold lol. she said mostly right now its just really stress related. that thing will get better. she said she understands my reservations, and we will work on them. she explained its more all the stress we have in our lives right now, and we will work on our communication. didnt say much of any thing bout the hoe. i am thinking of getting my damn number changed though. so as far as that one goes still up in the damn air i guess. well we are moving in less than a month, and she wants us to be in the new house together. i told her that one way or another her and the kids will be in the new house. she wants us to be in the new house that made me happy. well hopefuly things are looking up. if they go down hill again then counseling is the next step. as for me though right now i am going to go do one of those self less act of love things lol. going to go buy a new rose bush for her rose garden. hope that puts a smile on her face. yellow has some interesting meanings so i will go that route. thanks again guys for your advice i will update this thread should things change. any other tips are always appriciated.

This is quite a different post from your first in this thread just 24 hours ago. That's good though. Maybe things aren't so bad after all?

tomuchgear · Aug 21, 2008

i will be going offline for a bit probaly. dont want to talk bout it. little pissed right now. thanks for the advice guys later days.

oracle · Aug 21, 2008

my wife and i have had our ups and down.. and when i say that, i mean falling from the tower of babel to the bottom of the grand canyon. we've been together(in sorts) for 5 years. 3 kids, the military deployments, and daily life took its fair share of our time. so believe me, it may not be exact, but i can identify with you. many nights i felt like "what the fuck am i still doing here?"

but my wife and i finally laid everything out on the table.. we agreed to a few ground rules of no yelling, no cursing, just a simple honest conversation where we laid EVERYTHING out on the table. it was very,very hard to hear a lot of things said that night. and itw as even harder the next day knowing how she felt. but we MOVED ON. we closed that chapter of our life.

we started focusing on our kids. re connecting with the reasons why we got married. i would surprise her with dinner, and we'd clean the kitchen together. she'd rub my back afterwards while we watched our nightly movie. ya gotta back to the basics and build that foundation again.

just remember, IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. protect yourself and the welfare of your kids.

oldfella · Aug 21, 2008

tomuchgear said:
i will be going offline for a bit probaly. dont want to talk bout it. little pissed right now. thanks for the advice guys later days.

One thing I have learned, do not into a discussion pissed off. You will not think clearly and the anger will cloud your better judgement. I really think you two need to get some professional intervention into your marriage, if you intend on saving it! I wish you all the best man. I know it is tough..............I have been there, done that. Made my mistakes and have learned from them.

tomuchgear · Aug 25, 2008

well here is the update. the last time i posted in this thread we fought from like nine till bout 3:30 in the damn morning. needless to say work was hell the next day. we talked about alot of things. there were some odd issues coming into play that she didnt tell me about. hell actualy she wrote them down becouse she couldnt say them. as for us i still dont know. i told her i was starting to think it would be better to be unhappy with out her, and focus more on being a father to my children. well needless to say that changed things. we have not seen each other much the past few days with my new jacked work schedule. to keep the lines open i went and picked up her favorite food stuffs, some flowers then made her dinner friday nite. things are shakey but dont think they can get much worse. hopefuly they will go up from here. at this point i really just dont know. after every thing being said that night i am no longer sure bout much of any thing. well back to work later guys.

oldfella · Aug 25, 2008

tomuchgear said:
well here is the update. the last time i posted in this thread we fought from like nine till bout 3:30 in the damn morning. needless to say work was hell the next day. we talked about alot of things. there were some odd issues coming into play that she didnt tell me about. hell actualy she wrote them down becouse she couldnt say them. as for us i still dont know. i told her i was starting to think it would be better to be unhappy with out her, and focus more on being a father to my children. well needless to say that changed things. we have not seen each other much the past few days with my new jacked work schedule. to keep the lines open i went and picked up her favorite food stuffs, some flowers then made her dinner friday nite. things are shakey but dont think they can get much worse. hopefuly they will go up from here. at this point i really just dont know. after every thing being said that night i am no longer sure bout much of any thing. well back to work later guys.

WOW, I can say there are some things in relationships that just do not work out. No matter what is tried people can not always see eye to eye. I still say try the counselling approach. TMG it is obvious you love her! It may not be obvious that she loves you. You can't drag that out of her no more than you can drag out things she simply does not want to tell. In the end sometimes it is better to call it a day for the sake of health, both physical and mental, and for the family. I am not saying it is time to throw in the towel, but your thoughts are already leaning in that direction. I guess ask her how she feels about splitting up? I mean seriously talk about this possibility, not argue. See what her reactions are, you two cannot continue to go down this road before there is a car wreck. If you are not going to make it work then at least try to preserve a kind of peace and understanding so that when you two do see each other it is not on knifes edge. I still think there is some hope here. But I am not there, only you would know what the general feeling is. Just do not let anger cloud your judgement.

OuchThatHurts · Aug 26, 2008

I wish you the best in whatever you can manage to work out and I hope you can work out a lot. toomuchger, if you had an infection, you'd go to a doctor and see if it could be treated. I will be the first to admit that behavioral psychology, from a scientific perspective, is not totally exact but it is a worthy endeavor from a philosophical point of view. What I'm trying to say is that if you needed medical attention, you'd seek it. Your relationship needs attention now and you should find some. This relationship is as much a part of you as your hand, foot, or knee and and I'm sure you don't want to lose any of them.

Even if you don't go to a doctor, at least consider maybe a local pastor, or someone else that has dealt with relationships and can at least nudge you in the right direction. A good counselor will not handhold you through the recovery of your relationship but rather give you tools so that the too of you can fix it yourself. After all, what good is the relationship if the only thing holding it together is a counselor?

Now... honestly, I'm reading your posts and these are not the words of someone who doesn't care. In fact, the opposite. I don't know her side of the story but something tells me there more here than can be discussed in a forum - probably a lot of those issues that you seemed somewhat cavalier about in your initial post, could be affecting your relationship. At the very least, I hope you keep talking and work things out. Best wishes. Remember the children as well. I'm frequently irritated when parents can't put their own adult issues aside long enough to take good care of their children. Except in cases where there is outright physical or mental abuse among the parties, I've never encountered a situation where things could not be worked out in some way or another.

tomuchgear · Aug 26, 2008

the kids are my main concern right now. as for the wife and i time will tell. i skipped the gym tonight. i know i didnt have enough energy to bang it out in the gym and do some thing fun with my kids. so i skipped the gym picked the kids up from day care a hour early took em out to a large mall type place. think like the vegas strip but more family oriantated. even did some thing nice for the wife. i dont really know what to do right now. seems like time is what we need. time to think time for us. all about time at this point lol. yes and your right you dont know her total side of the story. i will pm you with a bit more detail. thanks again guys.

oldfella · Aug 26, 2008

tomuchgear said:
the kids are my main concern right now. as for the wife and i time will tell. i skipped the gym tonight. i know i didnt have enough energy to bang it out in the gym and do some thing fun with my kids. so i skipped the gym picked the kids up from day care a hour early took em out to a large mall type place. think like the vegas strip but more family oriantated. even did some thing nice for the wife. i dont really know what to do right now. seems like time is what we need. time to think time for us. all about time at this point lol. yes and your right you dont know her total side of the story. i will pm you with a bit more detail. thanks again guys.

TMG, whatever the outcome of all this I wish you guys al the best.......................But damn it would be nice to finish this thread with a Happy ending!!

I hope it all works out!