Well divorce time.

[PeterBobJohn]

First of all, if she makes more money than you, SHE will have to pay child support. You need a DECENT residence and money for essential things children need. If you have that, then you won't be denied your children. I don't know what you mean about the chemist thing but if it's what I'm thinking, that and children is not cool and maybe you should wait on trying for custody.
Secondly, you are going to be paying out your ass until long after their teens no matter who they're with so face that now. Your life isn't going to be any cheaper either way. What you have now belongs to those three kids. I always know a good parent when I see a couple or a father walking past me and he's dressed like a bum and the kids are spotless and look fantastic. That usually means everything is going to his kids and he defers on what he wants. That makes me feel good. Not if he looks like a bum but if his clothes are out of 1995 and his girls are wearing Hollister and American Eagle, etc.

Your wife will also have to pay you alimony, its not set by statute like child support is in most states but by case law. From what I recall from private practice you will get alimony for half the length of the marriage. For example You were married for 10 years then you receive 5 years alimony,

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Your wife will also have to pay you alimony, its not set by statute like child support is in most states but by case law. From what I recall from private practice you will get alimony for half the length of the marriage. For example You were married for 10 years then you receive 5 years alimony,

Yes, but not in all states so lets not give him false hope or anything that might make him look greedy in the eyes of the courts. But he's right that it would be something you'll discuss with your attorney.

 

[PeterBobJohn]

Yes, but not in all states so lets not give him false hope or anything that might make him look greedy in the eyes of the courts. But he's right that it would be something you'll discuss with your attorney.

To be specific all 50 states have alimony statutes on the books, they all may differ slightly as "OuchThatHurts" is pointing out.
But when a spouse is a breadwinner it is more than likely they will pay alimony, of course subject to the specific facts of the case.

 

[anarchocapitalist]

Hey thanks for the advice guys. I'm a professional chemist by trade. I work for a very large international oil company making fracturing and cementing blends. I'm not making drugs or steroids but I was involved like 15 yrs ago and my wife was with me then and knew how I was making money. But I've been making an honest living since then. I'm also a computer guy going for my CCIE here soon just for fun cause I love it and I need a change of careers.

I make more money than my wife so I'll be paying.

Thanks for all the advice here guys I totally appreciate the support. I've been around these boards since early 90s. The yellow anabolex days. Renegade. Etc. Its always amazing to me how we support each other around here.

 

[PeterBobJohn]

Hey thanks for the advice guys. I'm a professional chemist by trade. I work for a very large international oil company making fracturing and cementing blends. I'm not making drugs or steroids but I was involved like 15 yrs ago and my wife was with me then and knew how I was making money. But I've been making an honest living since then. I'm also a computer guy going for my CCIE here soon just for fun cause I love it and I need a change of careers.

I make more money than my wife so I'll be paying.

Thanks for all the advice here guys I totally appreciate the support. I've been around these boards since early 90s. The yellow anabolex days. Renegade. Etc. Its always amazing to me how we support each other around here.

i got walloped with a 7 year alimony order, she worked the first 7 years and stayed home the last 8 so she had basically '0' income when it came down to arguing alimony

 

[OuchThatHurts]

To be specific all 50 states have alimony statutes on the books, they all may differ slightly as "OuchThatHurts" is pointing out.
But when a spouse is a breadwinner it is more than likely they will pay alimony, of course subject to the specific facts of the case.

Here in PA, it's almost never awarded.

 

[little slice]

ive never seen a guy be so nonchalant about getting royally and irreversibly fucked by the divorce court system.



maybe it's because you aren't there yet...it's still looming on the horizon, so you aren't feeling the pain at this very moment

 

[JohnUSMC35]

In summary I'm a 35 year old married man with 3 children. Been with my wife since 1999. My wife has borderline personality disorder. We just recently called a divorce. I walked in on her crying. As the typical knight in shining armor I went to consolidate the damsel in distress. Asking her why she is crying. She said that if she dies our children will hate her. Most of our fights are about how much I hate her and this one was about how my negative perception of her will rub off on our children if she dies prematurely. I'm seeing a counselor who said I shouldn't engage her on these things. By consolidating her immaturity Im just enabling her victimization. Of course walking away just feeds into her distorted perception of reality. So the next cycle of emotions is anger and why I want to leave her. Which is true I do. Anyways to make a long story short she starts figuratively cornering me pressing me with statements like "Are you in or out" either you are fully invested in this marriage or you are out and we will sell the house tomorrow. Fair questions considering that I want out but she is basically calling a bluff and putting me into a corner. My typical response is to people please and tell her how much I love her. But after 15 years of losing myself I decided to say OK I WANT OUT. Called her on it. It felt so good to say this but afterwards I have all the mixed thoughts. Its about time I stood up for me but the other half is like I take it back I don't want to hurt you.

Anyways just had to vent this out. I started recording our arguments and journaling my thoughts because a BPD woman can have your head spinning. On top of it my wife is a psychiatrist which means she can have my male mind twisted and turned.

Sir,
For what its worth, it will get better in some years down the road. I went a similar divorce in 2008, and now we text almost everyday. we went from wanting to kill each other to still having love for each other. It was a long hard road, it will get worse before it gets better sir. Hang in there my friend.

 

[anarchocapitalist]

Thanks guys I'm pretty Zen and trying to face this whole thing with compassion and understanding as I read more and more about my wifes mental illness. Its just at 35 years old I don't feel that I can help her anymore and its just getting worse. At some point I have to stand up for me and find some happiness. My goal is to be friends with the wifey and provide for my kids.

 

[PeterBobJohn]

Here in PA, it's almost never awarded.

I would be a happy man if I was married and divorced in PA

 

[anarchocapitalist]

Haven't updated my thread in a while. Today I get home the wife says that she had a talk with my oldest sons (5 years old) teacher. Apparently he told his teacher that his dad doesn't want him and is moving out.


I set a few ground rules.

First no fighting in front of the children. I'm guilty of that as well. Lately we have had talks in front of the boys and they can escalate. We don't yell or anything in front of the boys but no doubt they feel the discussion.

Second no name calling. Lately she has been calling me names in front of the boys.

Third no discussing the separation without me. She has been talking to the boys about us separating but I haven't been present. I don't think she has been directly telling my sons that I don't want them. However I think this should be a family thing with me present.

Fourth no discussing the divorce with her girlfriends in front of the boys. No doubt it turns into a ex-husband bashing party. She claims they just discuss divorce strategies no bashing me but if she wants to talk then have a girls night out where they can hate on me and figure out ways to take everything I have.

So immediately the wife shifts blame. Tells me that my family is full of victims. Etc. I stop her immediately and ask her to keep the discussion to the boys and that my family is no longer any of her business. She is pissed off the rest of the night at me and doesn't talk to me.

 

[jmbcary44]

You are a strong man from what I can tell, I just read through the posts. I hope everything works out well for you and your children. I can't fathom..I am having difficulty just dealing with a broken engagement/wedding. This helps put life in perspective somewhat and I just wanted you to know by sharing you are actually helping me too.

take care

 

[anarchocapitalist]

Thanks bro. If I was a strong man I would have had boundaries in the first place. I have a history of low self worth.

Update.

This morning she still wont talk to me. I asked why. She says I approached her yesterday in a demeaning patronizing way and that we shouldn't talk anymore.

I thought I kept it to the facts. After my wife told me that she had a parent teacher meeting I took the boys out in their rubber boots to play in the mud and think about things.

As I thought about things I decided it would be best to set some rules on how we are going to talk to the boys. While the boys were outside I quickly popped into the house to talk. She started going into my family and changing the topic from the boys to my family etc. I stopped her and said lets stick to the subject. Perhaps thats where she had feelings that I was demeaning and patronizing her.

 

[pesty4077]

Hang in their Brother, Divorce is never an easy thing. I know, I went through one, but you will come out and feel much better about yourself.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

She's going to rattle your cage every step of the way. Like Pesty said, you do come out the other side a stronger person. Millions are feeling exactly what you're feeling right now. Mine was 20 years ago and it still gives me the willies to think back.

 

[thebrick]

Anarchocapitalist, not sure how old your children are, I didn't see that, but my advice is to take the high road and be there for your kids with unconditional support. Don't let your wife yank your chain. She will sure try to just to piss you off and screw up somehow. That's what she wants. I went through a very nasty divorce 20 years ago. My ex did the same. There was a lot of manipulation from my ex, her family and even my own parents with our kids. I took the high road and just gave them unconditional love and support. I didn't try to make them "choose sides". And I truly believe because of that, I today have the best relationship with my kids (now adults) out of any in the family.

The truth about this will eventually come into the light for all to see.

 

[anarchocapitalist]

Thanks for the support today guys ... need it. Thanks.

 

[italianiron265]

Kinda went through the same thing man. Loved my wife too death, but her personality and mine just didn't work out. We did have a beautiful little son together that Im always grateful for.

 

[italianiron265]

Kinda went through the same thing man. Loved my wife too death, but her personality and mine just didn't work out. We did have a beautiful little son together that Im always grateful for.

haha yes I'm quoting myself. Im on other boards, but i like the "newbie" status

 

[Jefe]

I'm amazed at how well you seem to be handling this.

Sorry you're dealing with it.