- Joined
- Dec 24, 2004
- Messages
- 3,079
I want to say it's woman related, but I'm in charge of my own destiny, am I not?
I fucked this one up, I'll spare you the details...but last night I did things I've never done. I would have been sober three years come July 7. That ended last night. I also need to admit something else...Not only did I drive, but I was also on the phone with my friend just ranting and raving while I'm driving. I've been an alcoholic but I've never drank and drove and I'm usually the first one to get road rage when some idiot isn't paying any attention to the road. Mind you, it's 430 in the morning, so not much traffic, until I got a little lost, went the wrong way down a highway and nearly hit another car head on.
These are things I've never done. When I was drinking, I was still always very aware of what was going on, what I was doing to myself. Not this time. I feel like I'm losing control. I took around 20 Benadryl yesterday, too. I wasn't trying to kill myself; if I wanted to do that, I'd find a far more efficient way. It's really the reason I didn't before, I wouldn't have wanted my family to find me like that. I just wanted to sleep and forget about it, which didn't work. I've been awake for three days, but ironically, my brain seems to function just fine in reminding me that I'm nothing but a fuckin useless drunk and I always will be.
I don't even know what to do. I've run the gamut with psychiatrists and antidepressants, talk about something that'll REALLY make we wanna put a bullet through my fuckin head are those things. I'm losing control and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. I've done it before, but it just seems not even worth it now.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. It's not even about women, really. It's the fact that I feel like I'm not good enough. Hell...maybe mom was right, she used to tell it to me all the time...
I fucked this one up, I'll spare you the details...but last night I did things I've never done. I would have been sober three years come July 7. That ended last night. I also need to admit something else...Not only did I drive, but I was also on the phone with my friend just ranting and raving while I'm driving. I've been an alcoholic but I've never drank and drove and I'm usually the first one to get road rage when some idiot isn't paying any attention to the road. Mind you, it's 430 in the morning, so not much traffic, until I got a little lost, went the wrong way down a highway and nearly hit another car head on.
These are things I've never done. When I was drinking, I was still always very aware of what was going on, what I was doing to myself. Not this time. I feel like I'm losing control. I took around 20 Benadryl yesterday, too. I wasn't trying to kill myself; if I wanted to do that, I'd find a far more efficient way. It's really the reason I didn't before, I wouldn't have wanted my family to find me like that. I just wanted to sleep and forget about it, which didn't work. I've been awake for three days, but ironically, my brain seems to function just fine in reminding me that I'm nothing but a fuckin useless drunk and I always will be.
I don't even know what to do. I've run the gamut with psychiatrists and antidepressants, talk about something that'll REALLY make we wanna put a bullet through my fuckin head are those things. I'm losing control and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. I've done it before, but it just seems not even worth it now.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. It's not even about women, really. It's the fact that I feel like I'm not good enough. Hell...maybe mom was right, she used to tell it to me all the time...