I understand where you are coming from bud. You might benefit from hiring a coach. I know many people are reluctant to spend the money, especially with such great information available online, but the truth is some coaches can be invaluable in helping you achieve your goals. You simply have to find a coach that fits with your personality and style of training/dieting (a high dose coach likely won't do, lol). A coach should also be insightful on how you can approach gear in a fashion that fits your personality.
If you decide to come "off", I would also seek medical assistance through a TRT clinic or endo. Health is always the most important.
Best of luck, and as some have said, don't dwell on the past just take it for what it was and keep moving forward toward your goals.