Sounds like you've spent too much time worrying about how much you weigh and how much you lift instead of how you actually look. It's easy to get caught up in the numbers game, but you need to find that balance between approaching bodybuilding as a science and an art.
You've been at this for a while so it's a bit surprising you haven't learned more about your own body and how it responds to different methods. You're plenty strong, so try changing up your training to find out what results in maximum hypertrophy for you. Change up your diet to get leaner. Everyone responds differently and you kind of need ADD/impatience to succeed, meaning try something for a few months and if it isn't working then change it up. If you do what you've always done you'll get what you always got. You need to create a plan with specific goals, then design your training around those goals. If you don't know where you want to go then how are you going to get there?
Most important though is get lean, yes it sucks because you appear smaller in normal clothes, but when you're at the beach/pool or wearing more flattering clothing you could be
30-40lbs lighter and look 10x more impressive. Good luck to you man and don't get so down on yourself, there's a hell of a lot worse things you could be doing with your time.