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3 years ago i was here

lyndonlawrence

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Oct 4, 2013
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132
wondering if my 30 year marriage was going to ,make it. many of you all prayed with me and for me as well supported me.
Thankyou.
it was the start of what i call mid life crisis. im 54 this year and heading out of a terrible malaise if not suicidal 3 year problem..
my kids, who i have been very hands on with as children are grown and gainfully employed and need less of us. i felt worthless, insignificant and hopeless.
my mother passed 3 weeks ago and it was the best blessing of my life. i hated her last year after i realized the work it took to make a succesful family and i was emotionally abandoned very early and endured several abusive step fathers and a childhood trauma of neglect or made to be insignificant, SHAME. i studied that the other day. how crippling it has been for me. down deep worthless shame that kept me from really loving my children in hopes they would never see the shame.
i laid in bed for my moms last 3-4 weeks and i worked on my past. seperated the shit that happened to me from what bad mistakes i made as an adult until i was able to forgive my mom. she lived 2 weeks long enough for me to come to her bed and kiss her face and reach my arms around that small frail body riddled with cancer and give her good strudy hugs. i have never been this well built and she started calling me mr muscles.
i am now with a great counselor who is teaching me how to love myself. im so proud of the work ive done to get healthy. i lauged with my wife the other day as i never told her but i pee along the sides of the bowl as to not bother my mom on days she laid in bed for hours and reaked havoc if she was woke. crazy.
but thanks people here and truly i mean i hope good blessings find you/
Jay
 
I am glad to see that you was able to forgive your mother before she passed away, and Goodluck on your future progress.
 
ps

I am glad to see that you was able to forgive your mother before she passed away, and Goodluck on your future progress.
thanks moose. im feeling so good knowing everything is not my fault. but its going to be a slow process.
i have found credit for changing a generation from deceased father while we were 1 and 2. several stepfathers cheating both ways and she was choked and physically abused.
my dr stood up and said heres your children. then he turned his back on them and raised his hands to show i protected them from that entire past, im a hero he said.
i was a good physical father playing everything with them in the street with neighbors, mountain biking fishing. taking them out of school for a skateboard show downtown. my fabulous wife filled in with compassion as i never had any.
 
Awesome work LL! All it takes is a person willing to break the cycle of a bad upbringing, once they realize that the power is actually in their hands and hearts, they can change anything in their lives they wish to! Its also great to see that someone can forgive, its lost a lot in this world with humbleness and hope.... I pray that u truly find happiness in ur life as u carry on with that counselor, and never feel shame about urself again and love those kids as much as u dreamed of being loved when u were their age!

Good luck and proud of u!


Sent from my IpP using tapatrash
 
I'm hoping one day to see the light as you have. Right now I cope with medications and drugs. Trying to avoid reality


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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