Anyone here a step parent?

[Cito33189]

Hi guys,
Been going to therapy a lot and thought maybe other people have some advice or experiences to share.

My back story long story short grew up poor, divorced parents, lived with mother on welfare, food stamps, section 8 housing.

Fast forward I feel like I broke out of that mold. I remember in college a professor said to me you tend to stay in the social class you were raised in. That stuck to my bones. But that’s not me.

My wife is in the military two kids 1 boy=19, other 11=girl.
The biggest problem my therapist says I have is I compare my life, my experience, my thought process to everyone else’s. She drills in my head. Nobody is you but you. Growing up on the east coast poor with no means to do extracurricular activities, all I did was play outside, ride bikes with neighborhood kids, play pickup football, baseball etc. I wanted to do stuff really badly just had no way to. Wanted to learn chemistry couldn’t afford chemistry set. One point dirt bike couldn’t afford that. So gym was the thing I could afford so I clung to that. The gym saved my life in many ways.

Fast forward I try to get the kids into anything they want. We live in San Diego. I tell them whatever you want to do let me know we can try it sports, extreme sports, beach stuff ANYTHING.

They both have no drive, no want, no nothing. The 19 year old is a great kid meaning respectful, polite, genuinely has a good heart but just lazy. Plays video games all day. The 11 year old tablet, tick tock. She’s not allowed a phone yet.

My wife and I use to fight about this. My biggest problem is the 19 year old. I tell him dude please work as much as you can. I’m not asking you for a dime. Bank money now while you have no bills. In a couple years you’ll have good money saved you can invest it, travel, real estate I mean fuck buy yourself a dream car but fucking take advantage.

They don’t want to do anything. I gave up with them. I’m nice to them I love them but I no longer wish to invest effort in trying to get them to want to do anything. The fights with my wife were getting bad and we never use to fight.

At this point I just said your life you want to waste it and waste opportunities fine.

What really sticks in my head is my child hood memories. What are these kids going to look back on and remember?
Hey remember that viral video on tick tock.
I mean even in the gym everyone films themselves.

I’m scared because the things that are going on seem outrageous.

My wife in the military they are having discussion on how to address the command because some people want to be called they them plurals. My blood boils.
I say how can this be acceptable. This is the military. You think China gives two fucks about what you identify as. If war breaks out these are the people defending our country. They show up late don’t follow rules.

I think I just needed to rant but I’m out of ideas and exhausted of leaving my house because the shit I see everyday is stupid.
I say maybe it’s California and people are soft. Maybe I need to move back to the east coast. I don’t know anymore.

For people with step children how do you engage or do you just let them be?

 

[K1]

Been a stepdad for 20 years now: wife has 2 boys (now 30 and 32).

My background: the same as yours (poor background, dropout by 15, on the streets, etc, etc)

I have gone through every scenario you can imagine during their growing up...The younger being the more entitled punk of the two during his youth and the older one following the yellow brick road, manners, polite, etc. In the end, the older one pretty much gave up on life and now lives with his father and only works when his bank account runs out and the younger matured and now works at BOA and continues to move up. The younger messages and talks with his mom almost daily...The older one is a fight just to get a response from. You never know how things will turn out?!

These generations are not physical like ours was...We have moved into a tech era and soon even further. There comes a point where you have to let them be who they're going to be and accept it. As long as they're safe and don't go towards the drug/criminal side of things, that's all you can hope for.

 

[j2048b]

not a step parent but imagine all what u went thru and having ur own kids and then being ex military, and fucking loosen ur shit daily because ur own kids have become soft, lazy and play video games all day? now i wont lie, ive become soft and lazy as well...no drive etc...tryin to get it all back, but the kids man, it kills me their smother..(smothering mother) treats them like precious cargo, im like fuck all that...no hugs, only high fives and ud better earn a damn hug from me... but im in the same boat...i think its commietaxafornia doin it... all the bullshit in that state can cause people to go soft...move away from san diego...move to a section thats a bit poor ...u make not come home to any kids tbh....the world has changed, so has this generation...all these youtube stars and tik tokers making a fuck ton of money, or so they claim....

 

[Dave Perez]

I met my step daughter in 1997 when she was 7 years old...her mother and i got married in 2000 then divorced in 2007...she and I have stayed as close as a biological parent/child relationship as exists ...in our souls I am her father and she is my daughter...problem is she has the same money issues as her mother had/has...she and I could be no different in fiscal responsibility...she knows that her mother's $ issues is what caused the divorce but my daughter is just as bad...it stresses me out bad...

 

[sean1970ss]

Stepdad here as well. 22 year old decided to pull a gun on me. Step daughter fabricates lies 17 bi polar disorder. I left my own home because of the situation. No respect at all. I have 4 little ones with my wife. Been 2 1/2 months she never did shit. Trying to resolve the issues created ptsd from the incident. file charges on him as well. Still lives in my house. Poor background leveled them up in life. Therapy you name it just want to be back with my wife and kids. Snowflakes have no remorse or ability have compassion or empathy. Suffer from anxiety live in my office right now it sucks. I could kick there asses out but it would affect my kids lifestyle it was not there fault.

 

[Zarati]

I would never ever never everrrr date women with kids, you are just settling and are insecure in my honest opinion.


No matter how much you are attracted to the woman, just remember, the early love will fade, you'll be left with baggage.

 

[sean1970ss]

I would never ever never everrrr date women with kids, you are just settling and are insecure in my honest opinion.


No matter how much you are attracted to the woman, just remember, the early love will fade, you'll be left with baggage.

You are correct bro. She actually hid hers from me for a long while. I had no baggage she was a great liar and sneaky. You date the mom you date the kids.

 

[Ruhlfreak55]

I've been trying to do this. Long-term gf has 2, there's so many problems, and most of them seem insurmountable to me. Her kids are just like described, they're much younger though, 7 and 9 I think at this point. But they don't do a whole lot other than eff off on their tablets, worse they don't respect their mom at all and are constantly bossing her around.

I can clearly see these things, but if I bring it up I get immediately attacked. And honestly I don't think it's right that I will always be less important to the person I love. I freely admit I have no idea how to navigate this, and it feels impossible most of the time. I have my own very clear ideas and to have them always quashed is not easy for me to deal with.

Then on the other hand I very much love her and it's historically almost impossible for me to connect with anyone like I have with her, so in my fucked up head it's a choice between bearing it and being alone forever.

Lol, all moot at the moment because she broke up with me, but I'm clearly still in denial about it.

Sorry this probably isn't helpful to the OP. I guess I'm more trying to empathize with how tough it is.

 

[juggy38]

I was a step dad 3 years. It was horrible. But my ex wife was crazy as fuck.

 

[K1]

I would never ever never everrrr date women with kids, you are just settling and are insecure in my honest opinion.

This was exactly my opinion before being introduced to my wife who has two kids...She was everything I wanted physically, to the point I had an image of her tattooed on me before we ever met lol, which is why my then boss hired her on the spot and walked her down to meet me first. Attitude wise, she turned out to be the politically correct version of myself. Within a year of knowing each other she was getting divorced, I was separating from my fiance and we were living together.

20yrs later and we are still together 24/7 (except for the few times I worked different shifts and when I travel alone), have a relationship unlike anyone we know anywhere on the planet and I fulfilled my obligations helping raise her boys which are now grown men with their own lives and houses. If anything, having dealt with those responsibilities helped me grow as a man and also letting her leash me up pretty tight has calmed me down Greatly over the last couple decades, because age sure as hell hasn't bahaha!

I agree completely that too many either settle, are together more financially or because of having kids...But you can't simplify 'love' or who you're 'meant to be with' down to whether or not one of you has had children in another relationship. I would think that more an insecurity with yourself than being strong enough to accept a responsibility that wasn't yours?!

 

[Zarati]

This was exactly my opinion before being introduced to my wife who has two kids...She was everything I wanted physically, to the point I had an image of her tattooed on me before we ever met lol, which is why my then boss hired her on the spot and walked her down to meet me first. Attitude wise, she turned out to be the politically correct version of myself. Within a year of knowing each other she was getting divorced, I was separating from my fiance and we were living together.

20yrs later and we are still together 24/7 (except for the few times I worked different shifts and when I travel alone), have a relationship unlike anyone we know anywhere on the planet and I fulfilled my obligations helping raise her boys which are now grown men with their own lives and houses. If anything, having dealt with those responsibilities helped me grow as a man and also letting her leash me up pretty tight has calmed me down Greatly over the last couple decades, because age sure as hell hasn't bahaha!

I agree completely that too many either settle, are together more financially or because of having kids...But you can't simplify 'love' or who you're 'meant to be with' down to whether or not one of you has had children in another relationship. I would think that more an insecurity with yourself than being strong enough to accept a responsibility that wasn't yours?!

I'm glad yours has worked well brother, of course there are always rare cases like yours. Statically speaking, the chances of it is very low, not worth wasting time and the headache. Also, back in your time things were different, dating was different, economy was different, women were different.

 

[K1]

I'm glad yours has worked well brother, of course there are always rare cases like yours. Statically speaking, the chances of it is very low, not worth wasting time and the headache. Also, back in your time things were different, dating was different, economy was different, women were different.

I agree, the entire aspect of dating and relationships are different now...Factor in the economy, and it's not worth having kids of your own let alone having to deal with someone elses or the hassles that may come from being the non-parent...Because I did deal with a lot of shit from the younger one, holy shit! He and I actually get along very well now and he tells his mom that he sees me as more of a father figure than his own dad that stayed in the picture somewhat.

Yeah, I wouldn't advise anyone going with a woman with kids bahaha...But then again I had no plans of staying, just wanted to be her side piece