Commitaphobe

[Mr Pickles]

Hi I'm Mr Pickles and I'm a commitaphobe.

ok, here's the rundown. i think within the last year i just came to realize that i am deathly afraid of commitment (relationship wise). i always thought i was just too picky or too shy or whatever. but i think i'm just damn scurred. my parents relationship was always rocky, i personally think they'd be better off divorced instead of being miserable all the time. they were always fighting and it was pretty common to hear "i want a divorce" from either one of them.. lol.. The last few years i lived at home i'd be eating breakfast before class, hear that, just roll my eyes and continue reading the back of my Lucky Charms box. and i think that their example or what marriage is could have something to do with my fear on a subconsious level, but not a major part.

but still, regardless of that. why cant i commit to a girl when they wanna get past the dating part get exclusive? we're not even talking marriage. i just mean i back out as soon the "i want more than just dating, i want us to be more serious" conversation starts. as soon as i feel that pressure coming on... i self destruct the relationship. i'm just starting to see it unfold and understand it for what it is. before i just thought i made bad decisions.

i dont get it. any clue??? like for the last month or so i couldnt stop thinking about the girl i was dating before i moved. i broke it off then, took the easy way out like usual. since then i couldnt stop thinking about how much of a good girl she was (this is NOT the kind of girl that you break up with... she's trustworthy, sincere, giving... all wrapped up in a sexy little package). now were kinda tossing around the idea of maybe giving it another shot and then 10 minutes into the convo, i'm starting to get feelings like i should back out again...

what gives??? somebody's gotta be able to unfuck me... LMAO.

at first i thought i was just an idiot...now i can see what's happening and i thought that was progress but shit... i'm still doing it

 

[Mr Pickles]

12 views and none of you fuckers can help me out

at least BBJ would post "hahaha, sucks for you"

bump.. throw a dog a boner here

 

[flexmaster]

afraid of being hurt???

are you afraid of being hurt bro? what i mean is, its easy to be in a relationship where niether of you is super serious, and you're just kind of hanging out...and if it doesn't work out for whatever reason its no big deal because you weren't super attached...but if you guys take that next step...you have to put some trust into that person to not hurt you...and thats scary! especially if you've been hurt, or seen others hurt before.

another thing, dont let your parents relationship affect your thoughts or feelings about marriage or committed relationships. just because your parents might have a bad relationship, doesnt mean you will. one thing i have done with my girl is to think before i speak or act. i literally think to myself, is what im about to do or say going to edify her? is it going to bring us closer or further apart? and she has noticed this and been doing the same. sigmund roid helped me with this and it as helped a lot!

edit: i read through your post again, and i definately think if you look at yourself honestly you will see you're afraid of getting hurt. i have felt some of the same things you have and can relate to some extent. trusting someone else to not hurt you is risky, and sometimes it doesn't work out and it hurts real bad...but when it does, its a great feeling. the way you describe your ex-girl makes me think of my girl, she is the exact same way...i love her to death.

 

[Mr Pickles]

i dont think i'm scared of being hurt... i'm scared of being miserable. sound odd, i know. but this is the "worst case scenario" that plays in my head when i really start thinking about it.

i start dating a girl. maybe she's not my type physically 100% for whatever reason. but her personality kicks ass (or vice versa). so we start dating.... fast forward two months. i start to notice a few little personality traits that seem "odd" to me now, nothing serious, but i know in a year they'll drive me nuts.

fast forward two years. still with the same girl. she hasnt done anything to warrant me breaking up with her and we're happy. but she's driving me nuts with annoying little things eg. not cleaning up after yourself, leaving doors open, constant complaining but refusing advice or help. whatever the case my be. then all the little things that are driving me nuts are gonna turn me into an asshole eg; snapping on her when she does them or me just shutting up and boiling inside . then the relationship deterioates over time and everyone is unhappy and always fighting over stupid shit and then eventually break up.

that or a different ending that i think i'm even more afraid of. everythings cool with her on her end but after a while the things (personality or physical) that i overlooked in the begining of the relationship start to really bother me. and then once i start thinking about it, its drives me even more nuts. why does this happen to me?? i have no clue

and about my parents marriage... i usetheir example of marriage as an example of what NOT to do. and thats helped me. i know ill never use my dad's arguement tactics cuz quite frankly, when hear him using them i want to kill him (and i'm not even the one he's argueing with). and as far as the not showing affection and forgetting birthdays/aniversaries.. all that. LOL.. i know what kind of shit storm that brings when you forget .. and also how it makes the girl feel unappreciated. so i pretty much try to do the opposite of what i saw for all the right reasons. i dunno.. in a twisted way, their bad relationships gave me a how-to map of what i should be doing.

and i just typed another paragraph and deleted it cuz i dont even know WTF i'm talking about anymore... LOL. but yeah, scared of being with someone and not being 100% happy.. i think that would make me miserable.

 

[flexmaster]

well

i dont know what to say then, if you can't live with someone's little things that annoy you, you definately shouldn't be with them...if not for your sake for theirs. maybe you should just take some time away from dating and see how that works. but that girl wont wait around forever...maybe some time away from her will help you clear your head and figure out what you want to do.

 

[JETHRO TULL]

MR. PICKLES....YOUR DESCRIPTION OF YOURSELF IS ME..EXACTLY!

RIGHT DOWN TO THEIR ANNOYING HABITS BUGGING THE HELL OUT OF YOU!! Holy crap. My parents are still married....but acted nearly the same way yours did. I know that in the 8th grade I was telling people that I was never getting married and I knew then that I didn't want kids either. I think the reason for that no kids thing is.....once you do that ...there is no escape! Marriage ....just look at everyone who is married....they don't look happy to me..they just look like they are tolerating the exprience. THE HELL WITH THAT! I won't just plod through life, thinking, is this all their is???? I always hear my friends say stuff like....HEY I'VE GOT GREAT KIDS AND THAT MAKES IT ALL WORTH WHILE...again...screw that!

Here is what finally happened to me, Pickles. I found one that I couldn't talk myself out of. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of her...even though her long black hair is everywhere....she is a clutter bug and lays shit everywhere....leaves water all over around the sink...puts the f*cking toilet paper roll on backwards!!! hahahahah....Even though she does all that shit that bothers me....I can't ditch her. She's just got too many other qualities I can't ignore. You've seen her...and are buds with her. The good list just kicks ass on all my reasons to escape.

She's giving, non demanding, likes porn, wants me to take more 'supplements' than I am willing to take, athletic, loving, caring, unselfish, loves squats and barbell rows, eats clean, intelligent, works hard hard hard, ranch girl, not afraid to get dirty, prays and believes in God,likes to shoot guns, doesn't drink or smoke, lets me alone when I need to take off for a week...a month....just to be alone. I get no b.s. for needing some time alone. She just gives me the freedom I need.

I have met no other woman who was like that. How in the hell does a guy replace someone like that? She actually tells me..."hey, get the hell out of here and do your thing". She gives me no attitude and doesn't punish me for it either. She isn't asking if I am screwing around on her....I could go on and on.

Pickles...my whole point to all this is...I think once you find a chic who gives you the freedom you require and fits your life and beliefs...you'll keep her. I am just as picky as you are and for the same reasons. I don't see how my friends married the gals they did. They just didn't wait long enough and think about it hard enough.

We've been been together nine years...and neither one of us is in a big fricking hurry to change anything.

 

[lynx]

He's lying, we don't watch porno.

Mr. P I don't think there is anything wrong with you. (Maybe because I think like you ) But I don't thing that you should have to do what EVERYONE else thinks you should do relationship-wise, make your own rules. I spewed out a bunch of crap when I was on the treadmill and of course I can't remember it.

One thing I know is that some women are not comfortable being by themselves, always needing someone around. (MOST, not ALL!) It seems like they are really good at the beginning of a relationship but then they just want you around all the time because they've forsaken themselves for you. They give up their individuality and become clingy and their life now is starting to revolve around you and this realtionship. But the catch here is that they want you to do the same thing. Why? I don't know. I've met a lot of gals that are just not comfortable being alone. They always need someone to just "keep them company." They also have had this idea of marriage imprinted in them since they were very little, and feel like it's the ultimate goal in life. I've heard a lot in college that women going into teaching were working on their M.R.S degree. In other words just looking for a husband. I was going into teaching and was surprised to hear this. Then I tell them I'm going into math and then it was like "Oh." Yeah, not Elementary Ed.

Ok I'm just rambling on and on. I'd better get going. I have some crap I've got to go do today.

 

[Mr Pickles]

Hmmmmmmmm

hahahahahaha.... you two idiots crack me up (and dont think you're gonna get me to believe that you dont watch porn either ) Mr Jethro... what you decribled is me to a "T." only i didnt encounter one that i couldnt throw back yet. I alway jump overboard once the effects being a clutter bug and laying shit everywhere, leaving water all over around the sink and putting the toilet paper roll on backwards bugged the shit outta me too much.

well at least i dont feel like a heartless bastard right now.. LOL. i'm back to feeling like i'm too picky thats something i can live with

 

[JETHRO TULL]

you are NOT a heartless bastard....

JUST A BASTARD! Maybe just an honest bastard! Hell, I know you are a bastard for sure.

 

[Mr Pickles]

 

[BigBoyJ]

HAHA!!! Sucks for you!

Naah, Pickels, you don't need to do anything you ain't ready to do. Being picky is the best thing you can do for yourself when it comes to relationships. If you're not happy with annoying little traits of a woman, or if her annoyances aren't worth putting up with because of the overwhelming sense of love that you feel from her good traits, then don't put up with it. I actually wish I'd been more picky in relationships. Instead I overlooked things that bothered me and it turned out just like you said. Resentment grows and things turn to shit. Don't settle for anyone. If you aren't 100% sure that you want a commitment and you're able to get by fine on your own, then don't be willing to take anyone who doesn't totally suit you and your life.

 

[Mr Pickles]

thanks

 

[StoryOfTheYear]

lol im like this myself! I think most women have those annoying little traits, IMO its just a matter of finding one whos annoying little traits you can tolerate!

edit: Actually I think ALL women have these! I just turned 21 though. Maybe I still need more experience before making this assumption!

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Commitment issues

I've been busy for the last few weeks so I haven't been able to keep up so I'll try to tackle some of these issues now. The commitment problems you describe are very common. In fact, to a greater or lesser degree, present in all men and some women. I immediately flagged a few statements about having parents that have shown an innability to maintain a healthy relationship and the word you used "self-destruct".

First, it's obvious that you are just very simply not ready for a commitment. Sorry to break that to you harsh but you seem by nature to have broad shoulders so I won't bullshit you.

Now there are questions beyond my first statement that you have to ask yourself. Number one being "Do I REALLY want a commitment?" If you can answer this honestly than I think you may find some peace in what you find in your answer.

If you can answer this question with a resoundind YES, than you have to ask yourself why it is that you "self-destruct" at the moment commitment comes into play. Did/do your parents have a bad relationship, have you been hurt in the past, do you believe somehow a commitment is the end of having fun? Do you equate commitment with "settling down". Do you want to settle down?

Despite your opinions on women and what they need or do not need, do you believe you are able AT THIS TIME to give yourself to another person? To be there for them. So she's a good personality and a good package huh? Being with her gives something to you. You enjoy her company, her body, etc.? In other words, a relationship is about giving and loving the giving and not just the recieving. You never once mentioned "...and I love to do nice things for her" or "and when I'm with her, I just want to be everything for her."

These are all very serious questions and should not be taken lightly. Have you expressed to her your situation? You'd be surprised how understanding someone who loves you can be.

Once you can look at a relationship as the beginning of something great and not the end of something great (for instance, your freedom) you will begin to feel better about taking the jump. It may take some time for you to confront all the issues that may be colliding to form this fear but you will, in time, become more at ease.

The "self-destruct" is merely only your mind's own panic button that you push to protect yourself against something that you imagine will hurt you. If she loves you, look at her... ask yourself if she secretly wants to hurt you. Of course she doesn't.

Lastly, remember that to fully give yourself to another person that you also have to be a "full" or complete person. You wouldn't give a car as a gift to someone without making sure it had all four tires. So should it be with yourself.

It's only when two complete people who join together that the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. In healthy relationships, 1 person + 1 person does not equal 2 but more than two.

Good luck and take care.

 

[brandonjpowell]

Bro, misery comes from fear. What you are afraid of is
getting yourself into a situation where you have to be
with someone even if you don't want to be.

Don't be afraid! You are in control of who you spend your
time with. If you are not happy, leave. If you are in a
committed relationship, talk to your girl. If your woman
does not want to hear what you have to say, leave. If she
does, try and work it out. If you can't, leave.

As for the relationship your parents have, bro I am sorry
that you had to grow up in that environment, but again you
control how you live and do not have to be like your
parents.

My dad grew up in a home with a schizophrenic father who
would "become a bear" and literally start acting like one!
My dad would be beaten with a leather belt at 3 am for
no reason, and be made to clean the basement because his
dad decided to throw the ashes from the coal furnace all
over the place. Long story short, he is the most loving
father a man could ask for.

So don't let fear stop you. Just go for it and live life
like you choose.

Peace,
Brandon

 

[Mr Pickles]

thank you!!!

i'm gonna let that shit soak in and marinade for the next two days while i'm work. some very good points to think about. although i'm pretty sure the "diagnosis" was right on the head.

thanks again, i'll keep you posted

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Great thread!

Mr. Pickles,

Just being aware of the possibility that you have a problem is a huge step towards dealing with your "commitment issues".

I think both you and others have given much good feedback, so I just have a question.

Do you REALLY want to be in a committed relationship at this point in your life?

 

[Mr Pickles]

Do you REALLY want to be in a committed relationship at this point in your life?

i actually do. and realizing that scared the shit outta me... i've been antirelationship for as long as i can remember. thats how i started thinking about this. i mean, i felt like i was ready to stop goofing off, but then every girl would fall short of what i consider ideal. i was thinking there was something majorly fubared in my head. i mean... ALL these girls i meet cant be crazy, its gotta be me, right
.

 

[terryd5150]

She's giving, non demanding, likes porn, wants me to take more 'supplements' than I am willing to take, athletic, loving, caring, unselfish, loves squats and barbell rows, eats clean, intelligent, works hard hard hard, ranch girl, not afraid to get dirty, prays and believes in God,likes to shoot guns, doesn't drink or smoke, lets me alone when I need to take off for a week...a month....just to be alone. I get no b.s. for needing some time alone. She just gives me the freedom I need.

Man if you ever need to get rid of her I'll be more than happy to take that one off of your hands! (Does she have a sister???)



LOL

 

[JETHRO TULL]

TERRY....THANKS MAN!

AND....YEAH, SHE HAS TWO SISTERS WHO LOOK NOTHING LIKE HER! THEY ARE UH...NOT ATHLETIC....NOT...WHAT YOU ARE AFTER. PERSONALITYS ARE FAR DIFFERENT....THE OLDEST ONE IS BIIIIIG AND BOSSY. I GOT THE GOOD ONE.