Hi puck,
I wanted to reply to your post because we've all be unhappy at different points in our lives and needed help coping. I’ll try not to ramble on, but I tend to stray away from absolutes and generalized one liners.
When you say that your past has a big influence on your current emotional health, that is correct, to a degree. Your “sense of self” is an ongoing subjective, malleable narrative that will constantly be playing in your mind. You tell yourself who you are. This will change depending on the situation. I’m am not saying that environmental experiences don’t affect us, but you alone have the power to decide how you process this information. Typically when people speak of their pasts, they take credit for the positive and push the negative onto others i.e. parents. That’s another post in itself.
I’m sorry to say this, but you will never be happy seeking only external rewards. They of course can help, but alone will do little more than make things more comfortable and provide momentary distraction. Unfortunately the western model of work and life is a very linear, achievement focused model. It typically involves the next “outcome” and not necessarily the process. Living in the moment is sometimes pushed aside for the next degree, competition, job or material possession. The thought of comfortable retirement is the ultimate goal, but that’s where the guide ends and life can ‘begin’. It is very necessary to practice self-esteem during your journey, live in the moment, and come full circle. This is why you will never be happy with anything or anyone if you haven’t learned to love yourself. Be gentle with yourself and stay positive. You’re human and you will forever be parenting your ‘inner child’. This sounds basic, but we all know people that seem to have it all and are unhappy. While success has many subjective definitions, happiness usually is summed up with “love of live and life of love”. Human beings have a genetically programmed “happy point”, a baseline that we will always return to. No matter if we have won the lottery, landed that position at work, or can experience a new woman every night. We will always work towards homeostasis. Your current state is not your set point and I’m not saying you will never be happy. I believe you will be and free speech is a great first step.
There are too many variables for me to offer you advice here, but I'll still try haha. I think talking about issues are a terrific way to cope, organize your thoughts and put the severity of the situation into perspective. Find someone that seems to ‘get it’. A person that is balanced, modest, humble and NOT a problem solver that will turn the conversation onto themselves for a quick spotlight. Find an active listener that you trust. This may be a therapist, coworker or it may be professional muscle lol. The confusion that you are experiencing now is actually beneficial to you. Confusion will almost always initiate change. You now are aware that something has to change. It is a daily process and you can do it. Be grateful for how far you've come and try to live right now as the person you envision yourself being. Good luck
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