torn

mrsoul · May 27, 2006

i have asked so many questions from you guys and have received alot of very helpful info. one of the things you guys always so when i ask for advice is " give us some more info on you and we can help better". well, i have not told everything so i thought i would get honest and maybe someone could help me. this may take a minute so pleases bear with me.
first off i am a recovering drug addict and alcholic. i have been clean and sober since mar. of 2001. one of the things i must do in order to stay sober is be completley honest with another human being. it is very dangerous for me to keep secrets. thos is one of the reasons why i have had difficulty in doing a cycle, even though i really want to. my wife and my sponsor are both very much against it. when i first got sober, i started getting back into shape. i was 29 at the time and had been living on the streets, strung out on heroin. i contracted hep c from sharing needles and i am blessed that is all i got.
i started running alot and then got into weights, nothing to heavy at first but it really progressed from there. i was 6ft 1, 205 lbs, running 5- 10 miles a day weight traing 3 a week. i got married, slowly started getting out of shape.
last july, my wife gave birth to twin boys 3 months premature. they were tough kids, they survied 20 and 25 days. after they passed, i fell apart. i did not drink or drug, but i ate and ate. i woke up one day to find myself 260lbs and sloopy as hell. i have dropped to 245 right now and really focusing on weights. i want to get stronger, and leaner. i ordered some gear, and threw it away. but i have some test e and prov. on the way.
i really respect the dedication and commitment you guys put into your sport. if i were to do a cycle, i would have to hide it, and i am not ok with that. my diet is very clean and i am traing hard, but could train harder. what would you guys suggest as far as supplements. any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. thanks

mrsoul · May 28, 2006

so far not alot of feedback, i did want to add that i talked with my wife more about it and she is not completely against it. i suggested that she research them for herself and see what she thought. thanks

massmonster32 · May 28, 2006

Wow you have come a long way congrats. I think honesty is best if it is your wife. I would not tell a gf unless you are getting married to her if it were me. For one if it were only a gf if something happened she could use it against you to get you in to trouble and be spitful since it is agains the law. I would say for you to do a cycle is okay because if not you might start feeling depressed or or stressed etc and use other things that could be addictive. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do please keep us posted. MM

Shawn Cooke · May 28, 2006

you have come along ways, but in this game you can not be honest with anyone about your use. it is illegal, a secret you will have to keep to yourself. also, and many members on here will agree with me that their spouse or woman will not agree to your using gear so forget telling them about it. ive heard stories of break ups from a simple admission. they dont like it. even if you are married, do not tell. i know a member who was married for 10 years and she called the cops on him FOR IT! women are evil.

mrsoul · May 30, 2006

well after lots of thought, research and help from the board, i decided there is absolutely nothing wrong with me doing a cycle. gear came in and i am already started. eating clean and training hard. looking forward to see me about 8 wks from now. i think it will help me be more confident and just feel even better about being me. thanks again guys.

maxsupplements · May 30, 2006

do you have it all planned out??

got all your PCT stuff, pins, all you ENTIRE cycle ready to go???

i dont know man.. addictive personalities are a toughy.. but i wish you the best of luck bro...

good luck

mikeswift · May 30, 2006

congratulations bro, I hope to hear great results after your cycle is posted. Let us know how it goes for you and if you have any questions feel free to ask.

mrsoul · May 30, 2006

thanks guys. and max, everything is in place, i have plenty of pins and pct. i prepared well with the info i read here. very simple cycle-
12 wks- test e 500mg a week ( mon, thurs) proviron 50mg a day.

Shawn Cooke · May 30, 2006

mrsoul said:
thanks guys. and max, everything is in place, i have plenty of pins and pct. i prepared well with the info i read here. very simple cycle-
12 wks- test e 500mg a week ( mon, thurs) proviron 50mg a day.

i like that cycle alot. make sure you have adex tho.

OuchThatHurts · May 31, 2006

Two things...

1. You have a history of addiction. Be extremely cautious. Gear can get pretty addictive itself on a psychological level.

2. You should be even more cautious regarding liver toxicity due to your history with hep c and alcoholism which both cause permanant liver damage. I recommend you have a blood eval if you haven't already.

Good that you are taking an interest in your health and self-confidence but be careful.

smokeybair · May 31, 2006

wow. i know how that decision must have run through your head for at least a year. i too got clean and sober in 2001. i lasted a year and half. relapsed. went back for six months and relapsed again. i have been partying for about a year now. sometimes hard, sometimes not. i have been in about five rehabs starting when i was 16. was in one when i was eighteen and thats when i started lifting. i have been doing it ever since. bodybuilding has saved my life because without it, with my addictive personality, i would be dead. to be totally honest with you. i think 75 percent of why i relapsed was because i wanted to do gear again. i have also been cycling gear since about nineteen. i posted a similiar post to yours a couple of weeks ago. i went to a meeting at that time and i want to be sober again. mentally and physically i have never felt better than when i was sober. but i got on a med called zyprexa. this shit made me eat like no tomorrow. i was working out halfass in the gym and working a real good program in the rooms. one day that little devil said lets go another round. i drank first and then started to cycle. my question in my post was for others opinions on during gear and still be in the program. my sponsor said no way too. people on this board, along with myself think that it is ok. BUT...can you really work a good program knowing that your not honest with your wife and sponsor. i dont want to rain on your parade, you got the gear so do it. just be very careful. dont go back to anything else. and the doses and gear your are doing is fine. it should not effect your mood or anything. me, i am cycling six things right now and will be all summer. i drink once a week. smoke pot almost everyday. just broke off my engagement. and have never been more serious about bodybuilding. it saved me and continues to do so. i also think at the day and age we are in, the principles of the program and rules they call suggestions can be altered a bit. hence you doing a cycle. as long as your are right with your higher power, you will be fine. i know that one day i will be back in the rooms....but i have a shit load of gear. i am talking about eight years planned out. so what do i do. good luck dude. dont drink or drug and you will be fine. no matter what. make that decision and promise yourself and god that if this cycle messes you up you will not drink or drug. you will know if the cycle is the right thing in some time. hang in there. the serenity is great isnt it. stay clean.

mrsoul · May 31, 2006

smokey good to hear from you. i had to make my wife and sponsor aware of what i am doing, otherwise i dont think i could live with myself. although they are not crazy about it, they both say if i must, i must. the obsession to drink and drug has been removed for me and i finally realized that the only thing stopping me from gear was what other people thought about it and that was not a good enough reason. truthfully i have found more information on diet and workouts to be helpfull on here, not just gear. i have also seen a brotherhood amongst the people on this board. it is good to see there is another one like me here too. easy does it, and come on back when you are ready.

mrsoul · May 31, 2006

thanks ouch, last physical had blood work and everything was good. i can see how gear can be addictive, i am reading the board aat work sometimes and day dreaming about the gym. if all the shots hurt as bad as the one in my left quad ( feels like i got beamed with a baseball) my usage will be short lived! lol

gtj220 · May 31, 2006

Use your obsessive nature to put 100% into your training, diet, and cycle. It can be a positive in this sport. In that sense, we are all addicts here.

strongmind · May 31, 2006

Shawn Cooke said:
you have come along ways, but in this game you can not be honest with anyone about your use. it is illegal, a secret you will have to keep to yourself. also, and many members on here will agree with me that their spouse or woman will not agree to your using gear so forget telling them about it. ive heard stories of break ups from a simple admission. they dont like it. even if you are married, do not tell. i know a member who was married for 10 years and she called the cops on him FOR IT! women are evil.

I take issue with this. Sounds like somebody may have been burned in the past... I'm sorry about that, but please DO NOT generalize to all women. Ok, some women are evil and some will not approve. But would you approve of something that you didn't understand and was kept secret from you??? All that does is make it seem more scary and dangerous to her and makes you an untrustworthy boyfriend/husband.

I am very glad you told your sponsor and your wife, mrsoul. You have come too far to start keeping secrets now. Keeping this a secret would only lead to feelings of dishonesty and guilt, and that, as you know, is a lethal combination and a slippery slope.

Good luck and stay strong. Check in as often as you need to. You've got a great support network here.

Shawn Cooke · May 31, 2006

no. luckily i was not burned. i never said ALL women as i know some do their bf's/spouse's injects for them! you must be the exception to the rule, congratulations.

it depends what she is hiding from me. if i researched it and found that it was safe if used properly and had nothing to do with her cheating on me then that would be fine with me.

strongmind said:
I take issue with this. Sounds like somebody may have been burned in the past... I'm sorry about that, but please DO NOT generalize to all women. Ok, some women are evil and some will not approve. But would you approve of something that you didn't understand and was kept secret from you??? All that does is make it seem more scary and dangerous to her and makes you an untrustworthy boyfriend/husband.

I am very glad you told your sponsor and your wife, mrsoul. You have come too far to start keeping secrets now. Keeping this a secret would only lead to feelings of dishonesty and guilt, and that, as you know, is a lethal combination and a slippery slope.

Good luck and stay strong. Check in as often as you need to. You've got a great support network here.

OuchThatHurts · May 31, 2006

Shawn Cooke said:
no. luckily i was not burned. i never said ALL women as i know some do their bf's/spouse's injects for them! you must be the exception to the rule, congratulations.

it depends what she is hiding from me. if i researched it and found that it was safe if used properly and had nothing to do with her cheating on me then that would be fine with me.

Shawn,

If it's all the same to you, I'd much rather you keep your advice to yourself and stay out of the counselling forum unless you have a problem yourself. I'm getting tired of reading comments like these and which strongmind pointed out:

"WHAT are you doing with her? I woulda strangled that little bit***! THAT LITTLE SLUT!!"

"girls are just f***ed up"

"THATS RIGHT!! YOU SHOWED THAT BI***. SHE AINT NOTHIN! AT SOME POINT SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD IT GOIN, WALKIN ALL OVER YOU, ETC TIL YOU SET HER STRAIGHT.

ALL YOU SCANDALOUS BIT***S THINK YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT?? WE RUN THE F***IN SHOW HERE SO SHUT YOUR F***IN MOUTHS."

And then I have to go in and delete and edit this garbage. I'm not going to tell you this again.

Apologies strongmind. I missed that.

OTH

ScorpioGirl · Jun 1, 2006

I 100% agree with strongmind. You made the right decision. You MUST have a support system right now and your wife and sponsor are the 2 closest people to you. They may not agree 100%, but they also know if this is something you want to do, they need to stand by or ... not. Obviously, they care about you and want to be there for you.

I'm sorry about your twins......

Stay healthy ((hug))

strongmind · Jun 1, 2006

Shawn Cooke said:
no. luckily i was not burned. i never said ALL women as i know some do their bf's/spouse's injects for them! you must be the exception to the rule, congratulations.

it depends what she is hiding from me. if i researched it and found that it was safe if used properly and had nothing to do with her cheating on me then that would be fine with me.

No need to congratulate me, Shawn. I made no reference to my own personal experience there. I simply stated that, in general, most people will be less likely to accept something they don't understand and when someone keeps something a secret, it is often perceived as being dishonest. This applies to men and women both.

I think telling someone with a history of drug addiction to keep something a secret from his wife and sponsor is BAD advice and I'm glad he didn't take it.