What now??

[tobefitt]

I am recovering from major back surgery. Wife is a recovering addict, and now my pain meds are coming up short by large numbers. She refused drug test, to prove she is still clean. Her drugs of choice were pain pills and cocaine. She has been clean for over 2 years allegedly. All major drug counslors state she has something to hide if she refused, but she is switching everything back on me, saying I don't trust her, and if I trusted her she wouldn't need to take a test.

 

[buffbabeca]

I am recovering from major back surgery. Wife is a recovering addict, and now my pain meds are coming up short by large numbers. She refused drug test, to prove she is still clean. Her drugs of choice were pain pills and cocaine. She has been clean for over 2 years allegedly. All major drug counslors state she has something to hide if she refused, but she is switching everything back on me, saying I don't trust her, and if I trusted her she wouldn't need to take a test.

sorry to say this but IMO you have every right not to trust her.

 

[oldfella]

TBF, first you need to hide your meds or put them under lock and key and hide the key. I agree with buff, she has something to hide and her trust is now in serious question. If you are'nt taking all the pills then where the hell are they going? Did the cat find em and eat em? I think not! Once an addict it is hard to steer away from temptation. The only way for them to stay clean is to remove the temptation from them or them from the temptation. If she won't test then like I said, hide the meds or lock them up. You need to keep her away from that stuff! Esp pain meds, these are highly addictive and will lead to trouble.

 

[thebrick]

sorry to hear this. You know what is happening and she is trying to hide this by making you feel guilty for saying the truth.

 

[JustWannaBeHuge]

I agree. she's making you feel guilty to take the attention off of her. lock those meds away or hide them some where that she cannot find them.

 

[thym43]

O.K. I am in recovery. 7 years now. does your wife attend any NA meetings? Does she have a sponsor?? Is she currently working steps?? Alot of stuff going on here. Were you with your wife when she got clean, before she got clean or after she got clean?? What is she currently doing to stay clean? Lock and key is not a bad idea but there greater problems here if you plan on staying together. if she is using you are in for a rough time. Throwing it back on you is classicly what an addict in active addiction will do. It's like a form of denial. Expect it, being an addict makes you feel less than everybody else. You have every right to request this of her and if she is clean she should have NO issues with the request. Your are also right in that an addict in active addiction should not be trusted. It's not a reflection on the good person she is, it is simply a reflection of what this disease leads people to. You need to find out, one way or the other so that she can find treatment. PM me anytime if i can be of any help.

 

[hngrygrl]

IMO, people who refuse tests have something to hide. Now, she's getting defensive and turning it around on you saying YOU are the one NOT TRUSTING her. Um, in my personal experience with others and myself, she's taking the pills. Start counting them or hiding them in Ibuprofen bottles. I just dont get people sometimes. they can lie to you all they want but when they get caught they turn it around on the person that just wants to love and help them. Start lying to her and let her see how it feels. No, not really, A good person does not lower themselves to act like the ones around them. It can get very hard and aggrevating tho. I so understand. i've thought the same thing myself. what if someday I have some disease where I'm in total and complete pain and on meds and they start going missing. less pills for your pain plus if you go thru them too fast you cant get a refill for a while and your stuck being miserable and in pain. We're thinking of you. Seriously tho, hide the pills and start counting them. its the only way to protect yourself and her from herself

 

[tobefitt]

What now?

Thank all of you for your responses. Just a little more info, yes I have taken control of all my meds and have them under lock and key. I have been with this woman for about 8 years and I married her not knowing she was an addict. She was very functional, and super manipulative. I caught her red handed with cocaine in my house, so I filed for seperation. We were apart for about 4 months before she overdosed. I rushed to her bedside and offered her the final chance of rehab or I was gone forever. She finally agreed. We are in Maryland, but I find a highly recommended facility out in Phoenix, AZ. Sent her there and have stood by her recovery every since, over two years. Upon her coming home my main boundary I set was if at any point there was an issue that came up she would have to take a drug test to show me she was working her program, I wouldn't stand by with the lies anymore, and she agreed. She has since been changing gradually where I have seen her actions like before. She asked a neighbor about a month ago for two percicet, and thankfully he told me first, so she never got them. Now, since my surgery I have had over 40 pills taken from my bottles. I called out to phoenix and spoke to two different counslers and they said anyone who was not hiding anything would gladly take the test to further strengthen the trust. She said she refused because she has changed and she is standing up for herself and not allowing me or anyone to control her. Her rehab suggested to me that I have to give her a consequence or she will continue to get away with what she is doing. With me being in such bad shape from my surgery and now this I feel like this is pushing me over the edge. I am in a position where I need help daily, and I have cut her out and am concidering filing for a seperation. I appreciate all of you allowing me to vent my issues to you. Thanks

 

[thym43]

I just dont get people sometimes. they can lie to you all they want but when they get caught they turn it around on the person that just wants to love and help them. Start lying to her and let her see how it feels. No, not really, A good person does not lower themselves to act like the ones around them.

I am very empathetic for your situation as I went through a divorce because of my addiction. You have my prayers. But these comments are such bullshit. I guarantee she didn't just decide one day "hey I'm going to be an addict" anyone who has been in the grip of this DISEASE can tell you just how horrible it is. I am not a "bad" person because I am different, because I am an addict. I did some bad things, some horrible things, during my addiction. It was how I survived. The lying and blaming are all part of it. I am not proud of any of that shit. But don't start getting into this "your a bad person" crap. An addict does enough of that on their own. That's one reason it is so hard to come forward and admit it.They KNOW there are many people out there who refuse to accept the disease concept and will treat them like they are lepers. She has a disease and she is in it. Somehow she needs to have that moment of clarity where she can see the truth of what she is doing to herself and those around her. I pray she does. Each addict that can come back is one more chance for another addict to come back.
Blessings to you all.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Just don't forget that you still retain the right to walk away from all of this. I mean, being forced to have my lover submit to mandatory drug testing is not something that I would stick with.

When she get's herself cleaned up maybe but I doubt I'd even be interested then. Choose your mates carefully my man.

 

[hngrygrl]

I just dont get people sometimes. they can lie to you all they want but when they get caught they turn it around on the person that just wants to love and help them. Start lying to her and let her see how it feels. No, not really, A good person does not lower themselves to act like the ones around them.

I am very empathetic for your situation as I went through a divorce because of my addiction. You have my prayers. But these comments are such bullshit. I guarantee she didn't just decide one day "hey I'm going to be an addict" anyone who has been in the grip of this DISEASE can tell you just how horrible it is. I am not a "bad" person because I am different, because I am an addict. I did some bad things, some horrible things, during my addiction. It was how I survived. The lying and blaming are all part of it. I am not proud of any of that shit. But don't start getting into this "your a bad person" crap. An addict does enough of that on their own. That's one reason it is so hard to come forward and admit it.They KNOW there are many people out there who refuse to accept the disease concept and will treat them like they are lepers. She has a disease and she is in it. Somehow she needs to have that moment of clarity where she can see the truth of what she is doing to herself and those around her. I pray she does. Each addict that can come back is one more chance for another addict to come back.
Blessings to you all.

Whoa whoa whoa! I'm not putting myself on a pedistal, nor saying that addicts are bad people. I AM AN ADDICT. I AM A WONDERFUL TERRIFIC PERSON. I'm talking about liars. I have no use for them. yes, part of being an addict is lying to cover your back. I've done it, lots have done this. I'm just saying that yes, there are times when people lie and really they shouldnt because those around them truly know whats going on. The guy that started the thread has obviously noticed a large no of pills missing (he said this) and she's lying to him. He knows shes lying.

I am an addict (recovering) and the only way to get any kind of help at all is to realize the problem, get yourself away from it, and start moving on with your life. My friend got me this necklace thats a heart and says "new beginnings". whenever I'm having a bad day and am just sick and fed up with my life I look at the necklace. helps me focus and realize that I am changing my life regardless of those around me. I'm moving on towards my new beginnings.

Addicts are not bad people. Normally just get to be bad liars
No offense to anyone. I'm just hear to learn and love
Lindsay

 

[oldfella]

TOBEFIT, My opinion is, deliver the ultimatum, last chance no return!! Or cut and run now. She is an addict and has broken her conviction to you and to herself. It is a hard cold world. I am a very sympathetic person, but for me someone has to acknowledge they have a problem and that they want to change and need help to do this. he lies, the broken trust, the refusal to live up to her word, the putting it all back on your shoulders is going to get worse. You must take control, like OTH said bro, it is your right to walk away from this. I stand by what he has said to you and it is basically the same thing I am saying. As hard as it is how much more suffering do you really need in your life before you do snap?? Think about it. Make your choice!

 

[thebrick]

I rushed to her bedside and offered her the final chance of rehab or I was gone forever.

Bro, she is out of control. It has nothing to do about if she is a good or bad person. That is irrelevant. Maybe losing you will eventually save her? Maybe at the very bottom is when her eyes are opened? She has to see that. You can't make her. But first, save yourself.

 

[tobefitt]

What now?

Once again thanks for all the input. Things are about the same. Although she is still in total denial she has been to a meeting everyday since I have confronted her. She came home on Friday, and asked if I would agree to a written contract that was signed by both parties and then notorized, saying she would submit to a drug test anytime I asked her too. I obviously laughed and said no way, if I can't trust your word and commitment to me in this marriage what is a piece of paper going to change. I took her promise to do this in the past, so a contract down the road would be fruitless in my eyes. In the beginning of me finding out she was a drug user I couldn't understand how she could choose drugs over me and what we had, as she spent 60,000 dollars in her last two years of using drugs. But since I have learned about the desease and understand it a lot more, but it is still hard to understand why she won't come to me and tell the truth, since I am the only one who stood by her during the bad times in the past and I helped her get the help she neded once she asked for it. In all of this I can deal with the relapse, but just can't understand why she wouldn't come to me for help. I am still on bed rest from my surgery as I have had a fusion with a screw fixation, (a dics fusion with two rods and four screws at L-4 L-5) so needless to say I have been pushing myself to hard the last week, and I am the one suffering, I feel as though I might have a set back because of the amount of swelling and pain the last few days. I am going to do my best to mend myself and see where the peices fall, or I am going to be the one to come out in worse shape during this whole incident. Thanks again for the comments it has helped me through this difficult time.