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Blindsided by Breakup

scrapper13

New member
Kilo Klub Member
Joined
May 13, 2009
Messages
1,205
I was just dumped a few days ago by a girl I had been with for 3 years. I truly believed she was the one, she was so different than the others ive dated, she was a kind person, beautiful, and we became best friends. Over the past year i've gone through some depression which I have suffered for much of my adult life. I was laid off from work and needed to have surgery so the depression kicked in pretty hard. I did not give her the attention she deserved and we were intimate so infrequently. We never really fought but there were areas of disagreement , one of them being her mother. Her mom upped and left about a year ago to move to california and left my girlfriend, her brother and my girlfriends dad all of a sudden. its one of the more selfish things ive ever seen a mother do. Her brother had no place to stay as he doesnt get along with the dad. In cali her mom shacked up with a new guy almost immediately. basically last week we were arguing and i let it all out about how i felt about her mother. she knew i never cared for the decision but I was pretty mean in my wording. next day i get the texts that she needs to be by herself right now and i need to go on with my life. she said she had been unhappy for months and the fight was the last straw. i personally didnt think we were at this point. I fought hard all that day and the next to try to convince her otherwise that we could get through it but she just kept saying that she was sorry she was hurting me but this is what she needed to do. I am a fighter and i always believe in fighting to the end for love but it doesnt seem like she feels the same about me anymore. The first 2 years we were head over heals in love we talked about marriage and kids and even the last year we still talked about it so I feel so blindsided by this. I thought we were stronger and could get through it. A part of me is angry bc i feel like she left me in my tough time. I know shes not gonna call in me in a few days and say she wants to work it out its very clear. her father texted me earlier today to say how sorry he was that we broke up and that everyone in the family loved us as a couple. for her to tell her dad its over i feel like shes made up her mind. I just dont know what to do ive usually been pretty good with breakups but this girl ripped out my heart she was so much different than the rest. Id go to any length to work things out i even said we could try therapy but she just wont have it. any advice would be appreciated because ive been so sick i cant get out of bed or eat anything.
 
Hey bro I'm very sorry you're going through this and I've been there. It sounds like there has been turmoil building up and it all came to the surface. It's tough when you go through depression because it affects everyone around you just as much as it does yourself. I would give it a few days and then surprise her with something really nice like show up with flowers and a really nice letter saying your sorry for not giving her the attention she deserves and not being intimate with her enough. Tell her you still love her and you understand if she needs space. Then I would wait till she contacts you. If you keep contacting her begging for her back it may push her away more. Keep us updated.
 
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Hey bro I'm very sorry you're going through this and I've been there. It sounds like there has been turmoil building up and it all came to the surface. It's tough when you go through depression because it affects everyone around you just as much as it does yourself. I would give it a few days and then surprise her with something really nice like show up with flowers and a really nice letter saying your sorry for not giving her the attention she deserves and not being intimate with her enough. Tell her you still love her and you understand if she needs space. Then I would wait till she contacts you. If you keep contacting her begging for her back it may push her away more. Keep us updated.

Hey bro thanks for the reply. She is actually just went away for 10 days to visit her mother the one I made the comments about so I am not gonna bother her. I fought hard for 2 days and she kept telling me she was sorry but that our last fight made her realize that her feelings had changed and that she doesn't love me the way that she used to. It's so hard to hear somebody say that. It's also terribly frustrating because I am blaming myself for it all I missed signs and even my own mother says she could see that my ex was not as happy because of how withdrawn I was. My mom and her are friends and before we broke up I guess they talked a few times and my ex told her she missed the the simple stuff like talking on the phone at night before bed etc. I guess I don't blame her for leaving. I also really believe that the problems we have could be fixed with therapy but if she doesn't love me anymore I don't think I'll ever get the chance. I mentioned it to her when I was trying to get her back after our fight and she just kept saying over and over please respect my decision my feelings have changed and I need space.
 
I feel ya dood. Shit sucks no matter what, but especially when your not on the same page and you dont see it coming, the shock value alone makes it tough.
All I can say is seeing posts like yours brings it all back and every time I think I feel somewhat lonely and I want someone around I remember going through all the tribulations with women and I jus sigh out in exasperation.
I wish I could tell you some meaningful, philosophical bullshit to give you some peace of mind and clarity but unfortunately you cannot use those terms when describing feminine behavior and rationale.
I hope you get to a better place with this man, just gonna need some time bro.
 
Sorry to hear you have to deal with this man.

My advice: Insure that your current state of depression does not get even worse, this is a really tough position to be in. A 3 year relationship isn't a joke.

Make sure you get out ASAP with friends, pick up hobbies and occupy your time/mind. Start dating when you feel the want, but sooner I think is better. This too, shall pass.
 
Sorry to hear you have to deal with this man.

My advice: Insure that your current state of depression does not get even worse, this is a really tough position to be in. A 3 year relationship isn't a joke.

Make sure you get out ASAP with friends, pick up hobbies and occupy your time/mind. Start dating when you feel the want, but sooner I think is better. This too, shall pass.

I'm going to make some calls tomorrow morning to find a good therapist and maybe once I see them they can recommend a psychiatrist. I've tried meds once before and didn't like how they made me feel but that was 5 years ago so maybe there is something new. All weekend I tried to go out and do little things here and there but I didn't have the energy for big things like working out or going out with friends. We have not talked today or yesterday and she left today on a 10 day trip. My plan is to text her a day or 2 before she comes back to see if she'd be interested in meeting up and talking. If she declines I think that will be my last attempt because I can't afford to sit and wait hoping things work out. What do you guys think about this?
 
If you do anything, you should send her an apology letter explaining what you were going through (to best of your ability), and tell her you're sorry for how it affected her and how it made her feel. Don't go too in detail about how strongly you feel for her, but let her know you regret hurting her in any way. It might not be a bad idea of mentioning your intentions to seek help for your depression, but don't have any great expectations of getting back together. Just make sure she feels like you genuinely regret any harm you may have caused her, her self-esteem, or any neglect of her on your part at all. No matter what happens in the end, you'll be able to walk away with a clean(ish) conscience and hopefully rebuild yourself so you are better suited to deal with an issue that you already exists within you.
 
She may just need time. In the end of June my girlfriend for 4 and a half years just gave me a letter one day stating she was unhappy and that she didn't feel as though she loved me anymore. Just a few days again I txt her if we can talk and she said we could and she cried because she realized how she missed me even through the heartache. Your ex may realize the thing her mother did was wrong, she could be putting her feelings towards her mom on you because it's easier to let go of a boyfriend than a family member.
 
I hate to be the cynic in the thread, but...



in my observation, when women say they "need space", or "want to go on a break", it means they are testing out the waters with a new guy, while keeping you on reserve if things don't work out.


a lot of women are like monkeys, they won't let go of one branch until they have a firm grasp on the next.
 
I hate to be the cynic in the thread, but...



in my observation, when women say they "need space", or "want to go on a break", it means they are testing out the waters with a new guy, while keeping you on reserve if things don't work out.


a lot of women are like monkeys, they won't let go of one branch until they have a firm grasp on the next.

I hear ya man but I can say with 100 percent certainty it's not that. She would sleep at my pace 3 or 4 nights a week and then I'd sleep at hers the rest. And that's after her 16 hour days of working a full time job and then night school. Maybe she's interested in meeting new guys now but that wasn't going on behind my back I'm certain.
 
how can you be so blindsided? How could you not see things coming? Open your eyes. If your not meeting a woman`s needs, well most times she will go else where. Then you trash her mom to her face? IDK what her relationship is with her mother, but yea not a good idea. Say "hey your mom is blah blah asshole.. but let`s spend out life together".
 
how can you be so blindsided? How could you not see things coming? Open your eyes. If your not meeting a woman`s needs, well most times she will go else where. Then you trash her mom to her face? IDK what her relationship is with her mother, but yea not a good idea. Say "hey your mom is blah blah asshole.. but let`s spend out life together".

Wow... what a winning reply. How old are you?
 
OP- The best thing you can do right now is to leave her alone. No texts, no flowers, no lettered explaining this or that, no contact with her family. I know you prob won't listen to this because it's soo hard, but she needs to feel like your not just waiting for her to give the word to get back together. She needs to feel like she is gonna loose you brother. I would leave her and her whole family alone for at least 30 days then reach out. She where you guys are in the 30 days and take that time to work on yourself.
 
how can you be so blindsided? How could you not see things coming? Open your eyes. If your not meeting a woman`s needs, well most times she will go else where. Then you trash her mom to her face? IDK what her relationship is with her mother, but yea not a good idea. Say "hey your mom is blah blah asshole.. but let`s spend out life together".

This is a counseling forum if you have nothing nice or constructive to say then shut your fucking mouth. Clearly you don't have much relationship experience because you'd know that real love goes way beyond the physical. Even in my depressed state I helped her financially and emotionally while she gets through her masters degree and works a full time job. There were months on end where she was stressed as hell from school and we couldn't do anything on weekends because she had to work on Saturdays and Sundays to pay bills and I never once flinched or said boo. When people are in love they assist each other through hard times. Her mom is a dirt bag that has caused more people pain than anyone I know but my ex is too blind to see It because it's her mom. The one time we fought I spoke the truth and if she wants to leave me over that and throw away everything else then so be it.
 
OP- The best thing you can do right now is to leave her alone. No texts, no flowers, no lettered explaining this or that, no contact with her family. I know you prob won't listen to this because it's soo hard, but she needs to feel like your not just waiting for her to give the word to get back together. She needs to feel like she is gonna loose you brother. I would leave her and her whole family alone for at least 30 days then reach out. She where you guys are in the 30 days and take that time to work on yourself.

Hard pill to swallow, but dead on!
 
my good friend and his girl just split up

they have been having problems for a few months. he has dated her and lived with her for 5 years. he cheated on her a few years ago and has texted a girl from his office a few times for casual conversation as he works very late at times but mostly has been a good guy. he feels the shame and guilt every time he looks at her and told her he cannot stay with her as this mirror he sees is too unbearable to confront day in and day out. she would constantly check his phone while he is in the shower and he knew of it too. i would ask him, "when is that going to stop"? he never made her stop.
so they break up this week and she calls me for help. wants me to tell him to let go of the shame and the guilt and stay with her. she says it will all get better. well, i surprised her. i didnt mention i would say anything to him but that she should trust him and stop checking his phone and develop trust.
I know long story but heres your rub- my wife said to her that she needs to let george have space, no one can force him to change. its got to come from with in. he may get some air, look aorund and realize he doesnt want to walk away from a five year investment.
 
Hard pill to swallow, but dead on!

Day 4 for me now of zero contact. I feel a little better every day. I made mistakes in the relationship but im also realizing that so did she. I'm not sure what I want at this point. She has some of my stuff and I'm certain she will contact me when she's back from vacation in another week but I don't know if I'm even gonna answer it's all stuff that can be replaced. She needs to feel that this is real and that I'm not here for her.
 
Day 4 for me now of zero contact. I feel a little better every day. I made mistakes in the relationship but im also realizing that so did she. I'm not sure what I want at this point. She has some of my stuff and I'm certain she will contact me when she's back from vacation in another week but I don't know if I'm even gonna answer it's all stuff that can be replaced. She needs to feel that this is real and that I'm not here for her.
Good job scrapper. Hang in there. I am a firm believer of the old saying, everything happens for a reason. You two could come back together or this could be opening the door to domething new and grand. Only time will tell.
 
Keep strong man. The girl I had mention that left, we were talking and she mention that when I would txt her when she first left it would make her mad to see my name pop up and wouldn't even read what I wrote and if she did she felt like it didn't mean anything.
Just give her space.
 
Remember there are ALOT of fish in the sea bro. Sometimes a breakup is for the better.
Just dont be like the idiots on the Bachelorette who cry when she dumps you.
Be strong...
 

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