Having trouble getting past Wife's affair

[taz]

hey everyone, its been a while since i was on the board. the past year and a half i have spent opening and running my first gym. that plays into the story here which is why i mention it. so i have been extremely busy as the owner, employee, trainer, buyer, janitor, etc etc etc.

But, my wife and I knew going into this what we would have to do in order to have this become the major company we planned for with 5 locations. (still working on that, not part of the story). So anyhow she has a job about an hour away that she hates with a passion. She loves the work just not the people she does it with. And although we have always had a very passionate relationship the past year has been extremely tough. The intimacy really died off but I didnt think much of it becuase we are both so tired from work and we have 3 kids as well.

Well a few months ago she started flirting with this asshole guy that works around where her office is. He was very flirty with her and she did not do anything to stop it and it came down to him asking her on a date. Now he did know she was married btw. She said no because she didnt want to risk an affair. But then he told her he was married too and she apparently felt more comfortable with the whole thing since there were no strings.

Their relationship went from a few emails a week to where they were sending literally (i have the records) 80-90 text messages every every single day to each other! There were some days where the entire day of work was nothing more thn sexual texts back and forth for 6 or 7 hours at a time! Including pornographic pictures. Sent and received from both of them. And I am having a very hard time getting past this thing. They both swear they never ever had any physical contact. I did confront him. And like the fucking pussy ass bitch that most guys are that try to fuck a married woman, he backed down from me and begged me to let him apologize. Fucking loser!

If it had been nothing more than some flirty words maybe I could have gotten over it at some point. But the naked pictures? I feel she crossed a very serious line there. But then the messages werent just flirty, they were exceptionally graphic and sexual.

Has anyone here ever dealt with this or been through it? How did you come out of it? I am trying to stay around because I do love her very very much and I dont want to hurt our kids. But the trust is broken and I am totally wrecked. Thanks for any advice. And I am sorry this was so long. I tried to shorten it.

 

[ajdos]

I say shes lying, my ex-pulled the same shit and it turned out she'd been sleeping with the tool all along, honestly shes done it emotionally and mentally...I may be the one negative one in the bunch but I say drop her useless non loyal ass.
Just my .02, I got rid of mine only to wish I did it ALOT sooner.

 

[firebird454]

sounds very serious and im sorry to hear this but I would seek professional counseling . I can say that the people who I know who have been thru this always tell everyone and I don't think anyone really cares and it ruins the persons reputation and can ruin your children. its between you two and I wouldn't tell anyone . people fuck up sometimes and you either forgive her and try to resolve why it happened at its core or make some very tough decisions .. please try to control yourself and don't make it worse than it is . good luck bro

 

[biggerben69]

I say shes lying, my ex-pulled the same shit and it turned out she'd been sleeping with the tool all along, honestly shes done it emotionally and mentally...I may be the one negative one in the bunch but I say drop her useless non loyal ass.
Just my .02, I got rid of mine only to wish I did it ALOT sooner.

Took me yrs to end it...actually she did. I was a mean motherfucker for yrs after. I held her to a higher moral standard than I did myself...but thats the way I am. It would have been better for everyone, kids included, if I had ended it right away. Then we may have had a chance after a divorce and time went by. I tortured myself and her for yrs.

 

[Jello]

I have no idea what was really going on, but maybe this really is what they said happened and only that. She may have been trying to fill the need she wasn't getting because of the work you guys were putting in.

Not trying to defend her in any way, I would not like it if my wife did that and I'd probably not trust her. With three kids and a business starting up, you may want to give her the benefit of the doubt and put a little emphasis on the spirited communications between you and her so she doesn't go looking again. Just my 2 cents.

 

[TrenSweater]

I have no idea how you could possibly still be with her, you don't do shit like that unless you already fucked someone and even if she didn't , yes it sucks because of the kids and shit , but dude seriously how can you even look at her

 

[Incognito1]

I'm sorry mate but I wouldn't be able to trust her ever again. I'd let him have her. I haven't had anything like this happen to me but it did to one of my close mates and he went through a rough time and did forgive her.... Guess what, she did again. Happy to say that he isn't with her anymore but it was pretty rough on him to learn to trust her again and then her do it again.
I hope you work through this mate

 

[Gunsmith]

Cut both of their heads off and dump them in a river for the fish to eat.!!
Thats what id do , guess thats why my wife is loyal.

Seriously brother , women stray because somthing is missing in their marriage. Very few women are sexuly driven to cheat as opposed to just not getting the attention they need.

The damage is done , you can go to counseling TOGETHER and if she refuses then gjve her walking papers , but you need to make an effort to do your part not just mKe money bit be a husband.

"The biggest mistake a man can make is giving another man the opportunity to make his woman smile"
Thats a fact

 

[biggerben69]

I say shes lying, my ex-pulled the same shit and it turned out she'd been sleeping with the tool all along, honestly shes done it emotionally and mentally...I may be the one negative one in the bunch but I say drop her useless non loyal ass.
Just my .02, I got rid of mine only to wish I did it ALOT sooner.

I'm not the forgiving type. One thing to remember, even if she'd forgive you for doing it, you can only take what you can take. It's OK if you can't do the same.
I wish I could get the yrs back I wasted hanging in there. There were kids involved as well. Still wasn't worth it.

 

[zaven]

I say shes lying, my ex-pulled the same shit and it turned out she'd been sleeping with the tool all along, honestly shes done it emotionally and mentally...I may be the one negative one in the bunch but I say drop her useless non loyal ass.
Just my .02, I got rid of mine only to wish I did it ALOT sooner.

I agree....

There's always way more that happened than what, "You Know About" or what she told you.

IMO counselling is overrated is this situation too. I mean, the damage has already been done. I could understand counselling if she/he wasn't feeling loved, etc and wanted to work on things beforehand, but the wife has already taken upon herself to full-fill her needs behind the husbands back. It's not like it was a few flirty text messages either. She took it to an extreme level that would be hard to forgive and NEVER forget.

Do what your gut is telling you. If the MOM/DAD together aren't happy then the kids aren't happy.

 

[PitBullFootBall]

I say shes lying, my ex-pulled the same shit and it turned out she'd been sleeping with the tool all along, honestly shes done it emotionally and mentally...I may be the one negative one in the bunch but I say drop her useless non loyal ass.
Just my .02, I got rid of mine only to wish I did it ALOT sooner.

I have to agree with that, from personal experience if shes sending that many messages and pictures you don't even need to ask if they have touched, shes already proven to be dishonest so don't take her word for it. Don't beat yourself up about it either, the company/lack of intimacy is a reach that people confronted use to explain their horrible behavior and months of deception, don't fall for it even though it may feel good to take the blame off her and place it elsewhere. Does his wife know? If not maybe she should.

 

[Bro]

lose the whore and get on with your life. and congrats with you business.

 

[thebrick]

That's some very serious stuff. Its funny that people consider no sex as not being adultery. Baloney. I don't believe them on that point anyway.

Without trust I could not have a marriage. You are going to need third party counseling if you want to save your marriage. And she has to want to save your family too, its not just your decision alone.

 

[jm750]

Wow! That really sucks. Sry to hear this. I'm not good at giving advice, but I can tell you that I feel terrible for you. It is not easy when there are kids involved. WTF was she thinking? :banghead:

 

[pesty4077]

Reminds me of what my Girl friend said when we began to get intimate. She said never cheat on me. She was already married and the guy left her and the daughter behind for another woman. I then ask her if I had a friend who was a girl and we are just talking over coffee, if that is OK. I also told her I would always let her know what I am doing and would never let myself get caught up in anything. She said that is OK with her. You see, that is called trust. You don't do sneaky things behind each other's back without the other knowing. I am sorry, but she had bad intentions or she would have been upfront with you. I don't care if you guys grew a little distance, there is no excuse for it. If she really cared, she would have talk things over with you and want you to pay more attention to her, or seek counselling. Just my .02

 

[Psych069]

It will be almost impossible to regain trust in her and it WILL over time take its toll on you. Seeking professional help would probably be your best bet. I was in similar situation and did not get counseling and it did not work out. Not saying counseling would have fixed everything but I think it may have helped me sort my feelings a little better. Good Luck.

 

[SugarFree]

With all the corrospondance you have, you havent mentioned any reference that they have met up in real life. That may be a good sign.

 

[portman1]

Regardless if you can ever forgive her, it's going to haunt you forever. I say drop her fast before you are able to do anything drast that may come back to haunt you. IMO, if you forgive her its just opening her up to more because it shows that your weak and she now knows she can get away with it.

 

[Prozone]

Gone down the drain honestly, Women are complete fucking liars and they are very good at seeming innocent she crossed the line hand tell her you want a divorce and ask her if the affair is worth it. I'd divorce her and keep the kids.


Make her life impossible, and let's see if shes willing to come back and work for everything she fucked up. Trust me I am a liar, and id say most of the time ESPECIALLY with those type of pictures and shit ? Cmon.

Dude track her phone get one of those apps that send u all her messages etc if u are unsure of what to do find proof first and then dump her ass. Shit eitherway she crossed the line already

 

[taz]

Thanks Jello. I hear what you are saying and I sort of have leaned that way myself. I know that a marriage is two sided and I suppose I should shoulder some of the blame for any issues we had. I know I put in a ton of effort at building the business. Maybe I should have focused that much effort on maintaining my marriage as well? But I also feel like after 10 years together and children and the life we both agreed we wanted to pursue that maybe she should have been more of a "stand by your man in support" type Wife.

I dont know. thats why I am so damn confused with this whole thing. part of me wants to walk because the trust is destroyed. But the other part of me is wondering if maybe I am also to blame for it all?

I have no idea what was really going on, but maybe this really is what they said happened and only that. She may have been trying to fill the need she wasn't getting because of the work you guys were putting in.

Not trying to defend her in any way, I would not like it if my wife did that and I'd probably not trust her. With three kids and a business starting up, you may want to give her the benefit of the doubt and put a little emphasis on the spirited communications between you and her so she doesn't go looking again. Just my 2 cents.