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Things Are Getting the Best of Me, I Need Help

USMuscle9403

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I want to say it's woman related, but I'm in charge of my own destiny, am I not?

I fucked this one up, I'll spare you the details...but last night I did things I've never done. I would have been sober three years come July 7. That ended last night. I also need to admit something else...Not only did I drive, but I was also on the phone with my friend just ranting and raving while I'm driving. I've been an alcoholic but I've never drank and drove and I'm usually the first one to get road rage when some idiot isn't paying any attention to the road. Mind you, it's 430 in the morning, so not much traffic, until I got a little lost, went the wrong way down a highway and nearly hit another car head on.

These are things I've never done. When I was drinking, I was still always very aware of what was going on, what I was doing to myself. Not this time. I feel like I'm losing control. I took around 20 Benadryl yesterday, too. I wasn't trying to kill myself; if I wanted to do that, I'd find a far more efficient way. It's really the reason I didn't before, I wouldn't have wanted my family to find me like that. I just wanted to sleep and forget about it, which didn't work. I've been awake for three days, but ironically, my brain seems to function just fine in reminding me that I'm nothing but a fuckin useless drunk and I always will be.

I don't even know what to do. I've run the gamut with psychiatrists and antidepressants, talk about something that'll REALLY make we wanna put a bullet through my fuckin head are those things. I'm losing control and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. I've done it before, but it just seems not even worth it now.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. It's not even about women, really. It's the fact that I feel like I'm not good enough. Hell...maybe mom was right, she used to tell it to me all the time...
 

aphextwin

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Bro, stop is with the self pity. I'm telling you this as a friend. We have gotten to know one another pretty well through the year. So, you fucked up? We all do it,but don't do it again. You don't want to kill someone. I know you think things are bad,but they aren't. Another thing, I want you to get a hold of yourself, and make up your mind you are good enough. I don't want to hear anything less from you. If you need help, go get it. It shows you are a man by getting help. Remember to move forward.
 

USMuscle9403

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If you told me last week that I did what I did last night, I wouldn't have believed you. I think I'm done beating myself up over it. I'm truly my own worst enemy. I'm the last person (actually the never person) to forgive myself if I fuck up. The whole time I'm mad at myself for saying what I did (I basically told her that I didn't like her at first but slept with her, anyway, that didn't go over well), then got mad at her for ignoring me, but I didn't show that I was actually angry. It was tearing me up something awful, for whatever reason. My friend, her best friend, said she's very depressed 'but she'll be fine, she can get like that'. Well... Thanks for telling me now. I like the girl a lot and she adores me, but it's not worth an emotional roller coaster like I've been on with pretty much every girl my entire life. I'm not mad at her, it was my fault. But if she wants to talk to me she can, if she doesn't, she doesn't.
 

aphextwin

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We all make mistakes like that. Try to learn to forgive and learn something from it. You do realize you made a mistake. Never stop growing. Let her come to you after things settle down. Losing you shit will only make things worse. You got this buddy
 

Rogue

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Take responsibility for your mistake ( which you are) and it will be easier for you to make the change...
Every body cowboy falls off their horses, its how they pick themselves up and keep riding that matters.
 

USMuscle9403

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So my friend, her best friend, talked to her last night.

It basically went like this...when we first met, I was different to her. She immediately had a feeling that she could trust me. Within five minutes we were in bed. She's never felt like that about a guy before, and my friend had all these great things to say about me.

Well, the other night we were talking about how we met. I let it slip that I didn't actually like her that much at first. Her thing is, if I slept with her without liking her that much, how can she trust what I say about her now? Can you blame her? She was thinking I was different and just adored me right from the start. Now the only guy she thought she could ever trust let her down. My friend says she'll come around, but I guess I need to get used to being put on ignore for the time being...
 

Barbie81

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If you told me last week that I did what I did last night, I wouldn't have believed you. I think I'm done beating myself up over it. I'm truly my own worst enemy. I'm the last person (actually the never person) to forgive myself if I fuck up. The whole time I'm mad at myself for saying what I did (I basically told her that I didn't like her at first but slept with her, anyway, that didn't go over well), then got mad at her for ignoring me, but I didn't show that I was actually angry. It was tearing me up something awful, for whatever reason. My friend, her best friend, said she's very depressed 'but she'll be fine, she can get like that'. Well... Thanks for telling me now. I like the girl a lot and she adores me, but it's not worth an emotional roller coaster like I've been on with pretty much every girl my entire life. I'm not mad at her, it was my fault. But if she wants to talk to me she can, if she doesn't, she doesn't.
It sound like your both pretty emotional at the moment ... so i would take a time out , to yourself,,, you should always try and be good to yourself first and then channel it into the other people in your life 😊.. spread the love...
It's ok to not be ok.. And better to talk it out,, everyday is your new beginning to better your mind.. just start it with a kind word to yourself... may sound silly... but it's nice a way to start the day... on a positive...
 

Durro

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We are our worst enemies! But shit happens, life is a rollercoaster ups and downs seems like mostly downs but we make our own reality. What we think is our reality. Be positive, I know how it is to feel bad about my actions but you need to got passed it and move forward. Look through the windshield not the rear view mirror. We can’t change the past don’t waste time thinking about an hour ago or yesterday, last month! It’s gone! We can’t change it. I have lots of wasted years in my youth doing just that. Until I realized I’m wasting time thinking this way. We can only keep moving forward in a positive mindset. I have that unnamed feeling I call it. But I think positive things and it passes.
Be strong, you are strong, you made it this far. All the shit you have been through only makes you stronger. Remember that, you have been in worst places and situations. You will be ok. I know you don’t feel like it but this will pass and other tests will come. Life isn’t easy. You will get through this bro!
 

USMuscle9403

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Even her best friend is mad at her now for how she's acting. Just a little fuckin 'extra', if you ask me, but it's whatever. Her choice. Wish she'd have the decency to let me explain myself but I have no control over that.
 

USMuscle9403

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I just called it off. Three weeks? I'm 35, I can't continue to be women's emotional babysitters like I've always turned out to be. Fuckin get over it. My buddy (her best friend) tried to hook me up with these two hippie chicks last night lmao. One was actually pretty damn cute and both loved me, but I need to think about that and have them both pass a smell test. And a shaved armpit test. And a 'bushes are amazing as long as they're fairly tame' test.
 

USMuscle9403

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Started talking to this super cute Korean girl, but the damn emotional eating just continues. It's just willpower at this point, but I'll be dammed if I have any once I start eating like shit. I guess I just have to remind myself that I was 320lbs and getting no tang at all at one point, and that was just a couple years ago.
 

USMuscle9403

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I'm still thinking I may need some outside assistance. I've been pretty bad off lately. You see, bipolar runs in my family. My mother and both my sisters are bipolar 1, with extreme ups and downs so bad that they don't really maintain relationships with people for very long. I'm bipolar 2, less severe, but I'm finding the downs are getting worse, much worse. The manic phases I actually enjoy, hell, I'm at my most productive; the tradeoff usually being that I feel like I'm stimmed up and will barely sleep for weeks at a time.

I'm fucked up and I know it. But I think I may be fucked up enough to need help this time.
 

USMuscle9403

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I think I've been replacing sex with food, as well. Not good, but getting back on the wagon. I kept waking up dry and tight after pigging out on junk food all day, so it was easy to keep doing it lol. Diet is pretty clean much of the time now, mainly chicken, sweet potatoes, veggies and lots and lots of fruit. I still get the cravings and still give in, but not nearly as bad as the beginning. Before lunch, I bet I was hitting 10k calories many consecutive days lol

It feels good to type all this shit out, by the way. I promise I'm not just monologuing because I like to hear myself talk.

... Although I do.
 

bad rad

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After another weekend of hard binge drinking and being a complete ass I've made the commitment to get sober. I've known for a while I had issues and constantly wake up regretting the drinking the night before.

I'm trying to remember I can't change my past but can have a different future.
 

USMuscle9403

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Dude if you need an accountability partner, seek me out, I'm glad to offer any help I can. You made the commitment to the decision, it's time to do it.
 

bad rad

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I had an epiphany earlier this week. I'm worried about damage to my heart and liver after years of cycling or abusing steroids but didn't have issues drinking myself into oblivion. Completely illogical but that's an addicts thoughts. Decided to get sober, fix my diet, and work on rehabbing all these injuries.

A case of beer a day wasn't unusual. Did the math and I can eat ribeye everyday for what I spent of booze. I can't ever have just one drink. It always turns into a rager with me.
 

lookslikesausage

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I think I've been replacing sex with food, as well. Not good, but getting back on the wagon. I kept waking up dry and tight after pigging out on junk food all day, so it was easy to keep doing it lol. Diet is pretty clean much of the time now, mainly chicken, sweet potatoes, veggies and lots and lots of fruit. I still get the cravings and still give in, but not nearly as bad as the beginning. Before lunch, I bet I was hitting 10k calories many consecutive days lol

It feels good to type all this shit out, by the way. I promise I'm not just monologuing because I like to hear myself talk.

... Although I do.
recovered binge eater here. wellbutrin and naltrexone changed my life and although i still cravings, they're nothing like they were before and i no longer finish whatever it is in front of me that i've decided to indulge in (ie a few slices of pizza instead of four and then feeling like absolute shit after, a half a pint of ice cream instead of a whole). Interestingly enough, i used to go to food if sex wasn't available. i'm picky so often it wasn't. it's nice to not be a slave anymore to the cravings though.
 

Luv2test

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I had an epiphany earlier this week. I'm worried about damage to my heart and liver after years of cycling or abusing steroids but didn't have issues drinking myself into oblivion. Completely illogical but that's an addicts thoughts. Decided to get sober, fix my diet, and work on rehabbing all these injuries.

A case of beer a day wasn't unusual. Did the math and I can eat ribeye everyday for what I spent of booze. I can't ever have just one drink. It always turns into a rager with me.
Understandable. “One is too many, and 24 isn’t enough.”

If you walk into any room (Church, school, office...etc.) with a lot of people, you can rest assured a sizable amount are addicted to some substance. Then there’s those with compulsions like porn and gambling. Then there’s the mental health issues like depression, anxiety, bipolar and PTSD. Then there’s the combination of a bunch of those. All in all, that’s just about everyone.
I’m just mentioning this for perspective not to downplay your issues. We’re all in this together in one way or another.

USMuscle, I love that you have this community for support, but I hope you get some professional help too. There’s a lot of brain chemistry and physiology that goes into something like bipolar, and I’d love to see you well
 

maldorf

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Have you been able to stay away from alcohol since you last drank? How long have you not had a drink? That going the wrong way down the highway should have been a giant wake up call. I think you cannot allow yourself to be in the situation where you are near drinks, but sure you already know that. I think its a good thing that you gave up on trying to save the relationship with that girl, especially since she had her own issues and you have your hands full with your own. This will all pass.

With this covid-19, do you still have a good stable job? Hoping you dont have money problems on the way too. If i were you I would see a psychiatrist that has experience with bipolar. See if they diagnose you with it, or something else, and get some pharm treatment. There is nothing wrong with it and being a bodybuilder you are used to taking meds. You have family that is bipolar and I think they would be great help for you. Maybe they can refer you to one of their doctors. Do they know you are having these problems? You dont have to hide it from anyone and with them being family im sure that they would be glad to help you.
 

USMuscle9403

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No. In fact, I'm drinking quite a bit. Three years sobriety down the toilet.

Dad would have been 68 today. I'll never be half the man he was.

Not eating enough, just drinking. Weighed in at 186 today. Hey at least I'll be a ripped drunk.
 

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