Suicidal thoughts common among roiders?

[hawkmoon]

I used to be a hedonist and took great pleasure in life, but I always have my anhedonic nature crawling in the back of my mind, nagging at me, reminding me even when I'm happy that "This too shall pass." If you are happy, just wait a while and eventually something will come along to make you sad. Yet if you are sad, just keep holding on and if you wait long enough, hopefully something will come along to make you happy. That hope gives me just enough strength to keep going in my dark moments.

I am similar yet different to you. If I knew when I went to bed last night, that I wouldn't wake up today, that would have made me very happy, because I would never have to worry about anything ever again. No financial worries, no more work or personal or family worries, no more changing the baby's diaper, no more wondering or worrying about what or how much AAS to take, no more worries about anything at all.

It's the fact that I know that I WILL wake up in the morning that depresses me, because then I know that I have to get up and make all these decisions again, and fulfill my obligations to my family and the people in my life, and keep my finances on an even keel, and worry that I am getting all these things right. And it's that worry that is getting to be more and more of a burden on me every day.

If I could just go to sleep and never have to wake up and worry about anything ever again, that would be bliss.

But I did wake up this morning, and so I had to shower and eat breakfast and change the baby, and try to put everything together for my family so that everything works out alright in the end for my wife and kids. And I still have hope that everything will be OK, which keeps me going for now. But I worry that everything won't be OK, which is always hovering in the back of my mind, keeping me down.

I think I understand what you mean.
I described my baseline, when everything is ticking along just fine, but when things get hard I think very much like you.

When I had my first marriage fall apart shortly after moving country and losing custody of my then 2 years old daughter whom I adore, I felt very much that way.

I don't hate myself, nor do I have anxiety about things, but I just feel sometimes like I'm fighting a slow, uphill, slog for no reason other than I did so yesterday and have to repeat until the end.

I say I don't feel anxiety, or worry per se about tommorow, but I always feels things are unstable. The things I rely on - constructs, people, jobs, health, whatever - are temporary and will eventually fail. This seems to me a logical fact, and not so much of a worry. Yet it hangs there, overshadowing things, always at the edge of thought.

As I don't look forward to tommorow, it's just a daily repetition. I often watch the clock waiting for the day to wind down.

I don't believe suicide is taboo. I am a devout atheist and do not believe in gods or afterlife. In my opinion these are all constructs we create to give meaning to things, but I feel I know this is illusion and cannot be a part of that. I am not knocking anyone who is religious btw, to each their own.

When I learned the theory that life is a product of entropy, and that may be the sole reason for life, it kind of made sense to me.

The first I read this was here:

A New Physics Theory of Life | Quanta Magazine

An MIT physicist has proposed the provocative idea that life exists because the law of increasing entropy drives matter to acquire lifelike physical properties.

www.quantamagazine.org

I have never said most of this out loud....

 

[maldorf]

Entropy wins out in the end every time. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We all end up decayed unless we are embalmed. I plan on being cremated.

 

[thethinker48]

Great posts in here, guys. My fights with my brain don't have much to do with my physique, mostly, but I've found myself letting it define me a bit much. To any and everyone, I'm the jacked, healthy guy. I'm nothing special, yall have seen me, but it's to the point where pretty much anyone I meet is going to comment favorably right away. Strangers come up to me all the time asking what I do and how they can look like that (got the wide shoulders and traps that stick out going for me), it becomes an almost uneasy subject of conversation a little too often if I'm hanging out with folks because honestly I don't feel like talking about it, but they do. After starting gear, this multiplied about ten fold lol. It's actually kinda annoying and ironically, I don't like drawing attention to myself, but it's pretty inevitable. I'm pretty vascular, too, and vascularity draws attention. I can't even imagine what it's like for, say, a pro bodybuilder, or a fuckin boss like @thethinker48.

When not only your private life, but the way people treat you revolves around your physique, I think it may start becoming a little more important to us than it really is. It becomes it's own complex, whether we like it or not. It becomes more complicated than it seems from the outset, notwithstanding the reasons you started to begin with (fat, skinny, insecure, etc).

Sorry, I'm just rambling

I'm a nobody bro

More than my muscles, the hair on my arms might draw your attention more you if you saw me in real life

 

[Cv215]

It was tough on me when I had my heart attack. There isn't much you can do with a weak heart, just do your best but the muscle is going. No more steroids too.

This is pretty hardcore. I can't imagine having a heart attack and having everything change like that. I think thats bad ass you're still lifting and simply doing what you can do and trying to stay as healthy as you can. Don't need to have the extremes of bodybuilding to still be able to enjoy it. Keep grinding man.

 

[thethinker48]

Entropy wins out in the end every time. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We all end up decayed unless we are embalmed. I plan on being cremated.

Bodybuilders should maybe consider donating themselves to science, future students will thank them

I remember the cadaver in anatomy class was so damn emaciated, musculoskeletal exam was like a treasure hunt

 

[hawkmoon]

Entropy wins out in the end every time. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We all end up decayed unless we are embalmed. I plan on being cremated.

Not only that, but the theory is that life is a result of increasing entropy.

Add energy to a system and it self-organizes to shed energy back out.

The more complex the system, the more dramatic the entropy. Humans demonstrate this perfectly.

 

[maldorf]

This is pretty hardcore. I can't imagine having a heart attack and having everything change like that. I think thats bad ass you're still lifting and simply doing what you can do and trying to stay as healthy as you can. Don't need to have the extremes of bodybuilding to still be able to enjoy it. Keep grinding man.

Ill go down fighting! One thing I have really noticed is that if Im lifting regularly and hard, along with cardio on the treadmill, I feel much better and my heart does better too. Right now Im making a comeback and feel better every week. A couple of years ago I had a lot of rhythm problems and ended up in the hospital getting a ventricular ablation done. My health was shit for awhile, didnt exercise and my heart felt worse and worse each week. My rhythm and heart felt like shit and I my defibrillator even had to fire off 2x to save my life. Diet is important too, and im trying to eat better. I really had to lower my eating, calories. My body doesnt need much now. Eating less has been really really hard. i was so used to force feeding myself all of the time. Just makes me fat now.

 

[maldorf]

Bodybuilders should maybe consider donating themselves to science, future students will thank them

I remember the cadaver in anatomy class was so damn emaciated, musculoskeletal exam was like a treasure hunt

For sure. The body I had in gross anatomy was only a 46 year old guy. I could tell he lifted some because he had great muscles. A lot of the other tables would come over to us to look at him. The really skinny people are better for nerves though! My guy died from alcoholism. I was teaching a lab in undergraduate anatomy and brought my students in to see him. Showed them his liver, told them "this is your liver after drinking!" lol It was freaking green and hard as nails.

 

[maldorf]

Not only that, but the theory is that life is a result of increasing entropy.

Add energy to a system and it self-organizes to shed energy back out.

The more complex the system, the more dramatic the entropy. Humans demonstrate this perfectly.

We spend our entire lives fighting the process. As bodybuilders we do more fighting that the average Joe. The average couch potato is a good example of entropy!

 

[hawkmoon]

We spend our entire lives fighting the process. As bodybuilders we do more fighting that the average Joe. The average couch potato is a good example of entropy!

Hi Maldorf,

I don't mean entropy in the sense of life organization, but in the sense of thermodynamics.
Research has been done that shows when energy is applied to a system, such as photons in the form of light on simple molecules, they self-organize in such a manner that sheds the energy out with increasing efficiency. Theories exist that this is how amino acids and DNA may have originated, and life itself.

The more complex the system, the more efficient the entropy.

"An old and profound existential question is receiving new interest from the scientific community: Was the emergence of life in the universe an improbable event, or the opposite, an inevitable one? In other words, did life occur as a result of chance and contingency, or was it an inescapable and predictable consequence of natural law? "

Is the universe pro-life?

The Fermi paradox can help explain this question with science and physics.

qz.com

 

[chrisrivers]

Yes, but only when i was running tren in my cycles. The older i have gotten the less i use and the more i recognize that tren is a powerful drug. Less is more, for me at least.

 

[johnjuanb1]

Lifting weights is the one thing that gets rid of my demons for the rest of the day. Off days are rough but I can only train two days in a row now due to severe arthritis, and the way training heavy wipes out my system. I just trained delts and traps hard and I feel amazing now. Roids for me help a lot. I’ve dieted hard for 4 months and look like I compete again which makes me feel very proud. My happiness is very much tied to the way I look. I’ve struggled with depression for 20 years since having the person I feel would have been my wife commit suicide. I never considered suicide before that. After 4 months of relentless anguish I tried to kill myself. I’m still not sure how I survived, but I think it was for a reason. I still think about her everyday. I’m hopeful maybe I can find another love but I’m real messed up when it comes to women. They scare the shit out of me.

 

[Tendon Snapper]

I still think about her everyday. I’m hopeful maybe I can find another love but I’m real messed up when it comes to women. They scare the shit out of me.

Holy crap JJ, you are describing me here as well. Helpless at times to the loss of a love.....

 

[USMuscle9403]

"I'm real messed up when it comes to women. They scare the shit out of me."

@johnjuanb1 you never lied. My mother was psychologically abusive whilst my father was a Saint. Same story with my grandmother and grandfather; she was a wicked woman and he was an amazing man. I'm 35 and still scared shitless that my fate will be the same. It nearly was at one time, I nearly got stuck with this one girl that would have happily landed me in misery. It's gotten to the point where if anything about a woman reminds me of my mother, I'll immediately disregard her, for better or worse. Women have given us all PTSD, I imagine, but our weewees still make most of these decisions, whether we like it or not.

 

[pheenix]

Great thread. Fellas, ive had a horrible child hood. Grandma signed me into Big Mil. Got mad, made it to top tier. Man, some of the posts here really hit home. Dont quit brothers. May the sacrifice of the blood of Gods lamb wash you all of your pain and hurt. Truly. As far as training, i wont even look at myself for months. Just put in the work, diet, it is what it is. The body will reflect your work. If shit not right, put in more work. Diet, training, get the gear right.

 

[Sides]

Lifting weights is the one thing that gets rid of my demons for the rest of the day. Off days are rough but I can only train two days in a row now due to severe arthritis, and the way training heavy wipes out my system. I just trained delts and traps hard and I feel amazing now. Roids for me help a lot. I’ve dieted hard for 4 months and look like I compete again which makes me feel very proud. My happiness is very much tied to the way I look. I’ve struggled with depression for 20 years since having the person I feel would have been my wife commit suicide. I never considered suicide before that. After 4 months of relentless anguish I tried to kill myself. I’m still not sure how I survived, but I think it was for a reason. I still think about her everyday. I’m hopeful maybe I can find another love but I’m real messed up when it comes to women. They scare the shit out of me.

Amen to all of that. Lifting weights is my way of fighting the demons and beating them down for a little while. I always feel better after a good hard workout. But that's why it's almost impossible for me to take any off time. After a couple days off, the nervous energy really builds up, the demons become overpowering, and I feel restless and edgy, exasperated at little things, down and depressed. I worry that I'm not putting the work in, and that I'm shrinking away, even though realistically I know the rest would do me good. But emotionally it is impossible to deal with.

And women? Good Lord, I don't even know where to begin with that. Women used to be everything that I desired, when I still had desire and libido (sadly lacking lately.) But even when you've found a good one, up close you can see her flaws and imperfections, eventually she nags and complains and starts arguments, and you start wishing you were with that woman over there...or that one over there. I can't deal with arguments, I would rather just walk away. Which is why I'm here posting on the computer right now, instead of sitting next to my wife on the sofa, because she did something really inconsiderate to piss me off. Sigh...there's an old Italian proverb that goes "All women are whores, except for our own mothers, and even that is only out of respect." ;-)

I had a good workout tonight and was feeling good, and then the argument with my wife pissed me off, and I had to walk away and cool off. Again, this is part of why I just wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again, never have to deal with any of the petty bullshit, growing old, financial worries, bills, any of it. If I could just go to sleep and slip away into sweet oblivion, beautiful nothingness, the void...just to end it all. Right now that seems like such a relief to me.

 

[Zero2100]

I believe anytime you mess with your hormones your taking a chance with your emotions.

 

[Thappy]

If you have mental health issues, you shouldn't be using steroids

suicidal thoughts isn't always mental illness.

Mental illness if classified like that, everyone has it.

But i think the third comment in this thread sums it up. People taking dramatic steps to better their look, either for them selves or others are always going to think of them selves as not good enough. This can go hand in hand.

On the other side it can be the drive to push them selves to be the best by thinking there is always room for improvement.

 

[MethodAir]

Suicide could be an option, if there is only intense physical suffering/debilitation, and there is no end in sight, no matter how hard you fight. But sometimes all you need is a glimmer of hope. True warriors like @maldorf fight their way out of extremely difficult circumstances. The reward of life is definitely worth it.

 

[thethinker48]

suicidal thoughts isn't always mental illness.

Mental illness if classified like that, everyone has it.

But i think the third comment in this thread sums it up. People taking dramatic steps to better their look, either for them selves or others are always going to think of them selves as not good enough. This can go hand in hand.

On the other side it can be the drive to push them selves to be the best by thinking there is always room for improvement.

I think every conscious person has thought about the concept of suicide: "What would happen if I did it...is there an afterlife, how will it feel"...etc

But constant thoughts of suicide where that is sometimes the only option in your head is something I would classify as mental illness (linked to past trauma and neurochemical issues, ie. depression). People in that situation should seek help, even the most sane people need someone to talk to about this stuff

The problem with society today is that those suffering are often times harshly judged from the world when reaching for help, and this makes a lot of people go back to their shell, and never trust anybody with their issues

We westerners look at third world countries, and their living conditions and see a chaotic hell that we probably couldn't imagine ourselves being in. But a lot of these cultures value family, friends, and social connection more than material things.

We are a wealthy, advanced, and socially progressive society that is more depressed, anxious, and lonely than ever before