Suicidal thoughts common among roiders?

[Thappy]

I think every conscious person has thought about the concept of suicide: "What would happen if I did it...is there an afterlife, how will it feel"...etc

But constant thoughts of suicide where that is sometimes the only option in your head is something I would classify as mental illness (linked to past trauma and neurochemical issues, ie. depression). People in that situation should seek help, even the most sane people need someone to talk to about this stuff

The problem with society today is that those suffering are often times harshly judged from the world when reaching for help, and this makes a lot of people go back to their shell, and never trust anybody with their issues

We westerners look at third world countries, and their living conditions and see a chaotic hell that we probably couldn't imagine ourselves being in. But a lot of these cultures value family, friends, and social connection more than material things.

We are a wealthy, advanced, and socially progressive society that is more depressed, anxious, and lonely than ever before

the title of the thread states...

For someone that obviously hasn't had suicidal thoughts(only assuming that as you said its a mental illness and people shouldnt be usuing PEDs with mental illness), probably not best case to give advice. Not having a dig as most of your content on here is A1

This is a personal thought, but i think the problem with todays society is they getting told they have a problem. If you need help, seek it. if you don't move on.

 

[FrancisK]

That's amazing, almost like a miracle. You have no idea why it happened? That gives me faith that my wife's work will pick back up again. Prior to this outbreak her performance at work was an all time best and things were going great. Its scary how fast the rug can get ripped out from under you.

I'm thrilled you're doing great again and can support your lived ones without fear.

You know Maldorf I don't believe in that, I don't even believe in luck but something did happen something did change. I was completely convinced I was cursed, someone put some terrible curse on me and there was nothing I could do it was the lowest feeling I've ever felt in my life. Nothing I tried to do worked, I made every change and fixed every problem and possible issue I could and it did nothing. I was just on a slow ride down and there were no brakes....the bottom was staring at me and I was about to crash hard. I always remember the quote when they asked the man how he lost everything "slowly at first and then all at once".....that was going to me very soon.

I do ecommerce, I've got a big warehouse full of merchandise. I have two arms of my business, one is the merchandise and the other is custom photo prints I won't bother you with the details.

The merchandise arm I saw the writing on the wall years ago but there was nothing I could do because it's inventory based, sure the strength and age of my selling platforms had value but not enough for it to be worth selling the business. Seemingly overnight big shops made the switch from caring about their brick and mortar stores to only caring about online, that and there are new small competitors every day but the biggest reason I knew the decline was coming is because there is no closeout market anymore. Why would a manufacturer or even a big retailer ever liquidate inventory anymore? Just sell it online cheap and move it out the door, it's just pallets on a rack it's not taking up store floor space anymore and they're already selling online anyway so it's not more overhead or resources there is no advantage anymore to liquidating. I started this business about 15 years ago and back then guys had gold sitting in their old dusty rat infested warehouses and they didn't know it. I was buying pallets of merchandise, hundreds if not thousands of units, for less than the cost of the wood pallet they were sitting on and the guys selling it to me thought they were taking me for a ride they were happy to just get it out of their warehouse and probably would have given it to me for free as long as I picked it up or paid for the shipping to get it out of there. I sold some of those items for prices that would make your head spin, the stuff was sought after they just didn't know it because the only reach they had was whoever walked into their old crusty warehouse and my reach was worldwide. Well that's all long gone, anyone who can input a UPC number into google can find out exactly what something is worth and just sell it online themselves which they're all doing now anyway.

So the merchandise arm I knew the boom was dead and it was just going to be a barely sustainable business instead of a cash cow, that happened years ago. But the photo arm was booming, absolutely booming and it's a complete and total sweetheart business with no cost of inventory, no overhead and takes very little time to run. I started it because I did see the end coming for merchandise and I obviously knew what I was doing already so it was easy for me to set up, I had the space in my warehouse, the employees with extra time and most importantly the strong reputation with the companies to give me a shot. I was killing it, I couldn't believe how far it had come, how easy it was and it was getting better every month.

Well one day it just stopped, like somebody pressed a switch and I was suddenly doing a quarter of what I was doing before. Even though I had more products for sale then ever so I should be doing better than ever but it just completely stopped, I still have no idea why it still makes no sense. I can give you anecdotal bullshit to try and come up with reasons for it but it cannot account for how bad it got, just didn't make any sense. It wasn't something slow and gradual it just happened suddenly, I can even pin point the month where all of a sudden sales died it's all there in numbers. I usually get slammed for back to school....didn't happen. I usually get slammed for the holidays....didn't happen. I'm usually busier in the winter than I am in the summer.....definitely didn't happen it was actually getting worse month to month. I'm telling you I was cursed, I have absolutely no explanation for it and I don't even believe in that crap!

Well about two weeks into the "pandemic" somebody or something turned the switch back on and the curse ended, it's going stronger than ever and getting better every day. Hell even the merchandise end my numbers over the past few months are triple what I did the year before and I never for a moment thought that would happen. The photo arm I knew would eventually turn around because there was no reason at all for it to be down it was just a matter of if I was going to go broke first and I shit you not I was probably a couple weeks away from defaulting on everything and talking to a bankruptcy lawyer.

I couldn't sleep at night, I couldn't wake up in the morning I was completely dead inside, just a zombie walking around with a fake smile to make sure nobody knew what I was going through hell it's not like anybody could help me anyway. Everything I worked my ass off for, sacrificed my 20's for while all my friends were partying like rock stars all I did was work and it was worthless overnight seemingly. I had no options whatsoever, it was over for me and I was going to let everyone down I felt like a walking pile of worthless garbage every single day. Mind you I have daily operating costs even if we're not talking about the monthly bills, and there were days where I didn't buy a coffee in the morning because i may have needed that extra $2 to ship something out.....I can't even describe how bad it was and thinking of it now feels like a different reality.


Well that's all over now and I've done so well the past few months that even if for some reason it goes back to shit I have plenty of options to pursue instead.



I don't know what your wife does specifically Maldorf but believe you me brother it's not over don't lose hope!

 

[maldorf]

You know Maldorf I don't believe in that, I don't even believe in luck but something did happen something did change. I was completely convinced I was cursed, someone put some terrible curse on me and there was nothing I could do it was the lowest feeling I've ever felt in my life. Nothing I tried to do worked, I made every change and fixed every problem and possible issue I could and it did nothing. I was just on a slow ride down and there were no brakes....the bottom was staring at me and I was about to crash hard. I always remember the quote when they asked the man how he lost everything "slowly at first and then all at once".....that was going to me very soon.

I do ecommerce, I've got a big warehouse full of merchandise. I have two arms of my business, one is the merchandise and the other is custom photo prints I won't bother you with the details.

The merchandise arm I saw the writing on the wall years ago but there was nothing I could do because it's inventory based, sure the strength and age of my selling platforms had value but not enough for it to be worth selling the business. Seemingly overnight big shops made the switch from caring about their brick and mortar stores to only caring about online, that and there are new small competitors every day but the biggest reason I knew the decline was coming is because there is no closeout market anymore. Why would a manufacturer or even a big retailer ever liquidate inventory anymore? Just sell it online cheap and move it out the door, it's just pallets on a rack it's not taking up store floor space anymore and they're already selling online anyway so it's not more overhead or resources there is no advantage anymore to liquidating. I started this business about 15 years ago and back then guys had gold sitting in their old dusty rat infested warehouses and they didn't know it. I was buying pallets of merchandise, hundreds if not thousands of units, for less than the cost of the wood pallet they were sitting on and the guys selling it to me thought they were taking me for a ride they were happy to just get it out of their warehouse and probably would have given it to me for free as long as I picked it up or paid for the shipping to get it out of there. I sold some of those items for prices that would make your head spin, the stuff was sought after they just didn't know it because the only reach they had was whoever walked into their old crusty warehouse and my reach was worldwide. Well that's all long gone, anyone who can input a UPC number into google can find out exactly what something is worth and just sell it online themselves which they're all doing now anyway.

So the merchandise arm I knew the boom was dead and it was just going to be a barely sustainable business instead of a cash cow, that happened years ago. But the photo arm was booming, absolutely booming and it's a complete and total sweetheart business with no cost of inventory, no overhead and takes very little time to run. I started it because I did see the end coming for merchandise and I obviously knew what I was doing already so it was easy for me to set up, I had the space in my warehouse, the employees with extra time and most importantly the strong reputation with the companies to give me a shot. I was killing it, I couldn't believe how far it had come, how easy it was and it was getting better every month.

Well one day it just stopped, like somebody pressed a switch and I was suddenly doing a quarter of what I was doing before. Even though I had more products for sale then ever so I should be doing better than ever but it just completely stopped, I still have no idea why it still makes no sense. I can give you anecdotal bullshit to try and come up with reasons for it but it cannot account for how bad it got, just didn't make any sense. It wasn't something slow and gradual it just happened suddenly, I can even pin point the month where all of a sudden sales died it's all there in numbers. I usually get slammed for back to school....didn't happen. I usually get slammed for the holidays....didn't happen. I'm usually busier in the winter than I am in the summer.....definitely didn't happen it was actually getting worse month to month. I'm telling you I was cursed, I have absolutely no explanation for it and I don't even believe in that crap!

Well about two weeks into the "pandemic" somebody or something turned the switch back on and the curse ended, it's going stronger than ever and getting better every day. Hell even the merchandise end my numbers over the past few months are triple what I did the year before and I never for a moment thought that would happen. The photo arm I knew would eventually turn around because there was no reason at all for it to be down it was just a matter of if I was going to go broke first and I shit you not I was probably a couple weeks away from defaulting on everything and talking to a bankruptcy lawyer.

I couldn't sleep at night, I couldn't wake up in the morning I was completely dead inside, just a zombie walking around with a fake smile to make sure nobody knew what I was going through hell it's not like anybody could help me anyway. Everything I worked my ass off for, sacrificed my 20's for while all my friends were partying like rock stars all I did was work and it was worthless overnight seemingly. I had no options whatsoever, it was over for me and I was going to let everyone down I felt like a walking pile of worthless garbage every single day. Mind you I have daily operating costs even if we're not talking about the monthly bills, and there were days where I didn't buy a coffee in the morning because i may have needed that extra $2 to ship something out.....I can't even describe how bad it was and thinking of it now feels like a different reality.


Well that's all over now and I've done so well the past few months that even if for some reason it goes back to shit I have plenty of options to pursue instead.



I don't know what your wife does specifically Maldorf but believe you me brother it's not over don't lose hope!

Just have to hope that the virus effects don't go on for another year. My wife is a lender in commercial real estate for a big bank. Impossible to do any loans now, worried they are going to start cutting liabilities and let a bunch of employees go.

 

[FrancisK]

Just have to hope that the virus effects don't go on for another year. My wife is a lender in commercial real estate for a big bank. Impossible to do any loans now, worried they are going to start cutting liabilities and let a bunch of employees go.

Well take it from a business owner from a long line of business owners and a family of multiple business owners. It’s not over it’s just in hold, a lot of people I know have done better than usual through this and got SBA loans for some big cash on top of it itching to invest it. They are all just biding their time waiting for things to kick off again, I’m the same I’m looking to invest again....shopping centers and hotels with my uncles, but nothing is available right now. But that will change....

Look at the housing market its booming, houses are selling for over asking still. I honestly don’t know anyone that took a loss through the “pandemic” other than people who were bro broke with worthless jobs anyway. In the case of what your wife does I would say it’s just a matter of waiting for the floodgates to open up....

My opinion

 

[thethinker48]

the title of the thread states...

For someone that obviously hasn't had suicidal thoughts(only assuming that as you said its a mental illness and people shouldnt be usuing PEDs with mental illness), probably not best case to give advice. Not having a dig as most of your content on here is A1

This is a personal thought, but i think the problem with todays society is they getting told they have a problem. If you need help, seek it. if you don't move on.

Yes, thankfully I don't have these issues.

The reason I say what I say is because we have data on androgens and their effects physiologically on our brain. There's a direct association between long term steroid use and amygdala enlargement.

"One of the key findings with the structural imaging data, said Kaufman, centered on the amygdala, the part of the brain related to emotion regulation, aggression, anxiety, and possibly even depression, which was enlarged in those who were chronic steroid users as compared to the non-users."

"“The amygdala in the steroid users wasn’t just a little bit larger than the control group, it was more than 20% larger,” said Kaufman. “That is a really marked difference, and it is particularly interesting because previous studies have shown that amygdala enlargement has been associated with aggression among other types of substance abuse populations.”

(https://www.mcleanhospital.org/news...use-can-lead-significant-brain-structural-and)

If you already have mental health issues (depression, anxiety...etc), taking drugs that impact the emotional regulator of your brain is probably not a good idea.

I guess you can make the same comments for: "If you have early heart disease in your family, you probably shouldn't use steroids". That's not going to stop a lot of guys, because atherosclerosis is a relatively slow and in the background process. Mental health problems spill into day to day life, people can't function at work, in their personal lives, so they might take it more into consideration.

Not taking some moral high ground by telling guys what to do, I have met PLENTY of dysfunctional human beings in real life that abuse steroids. Just something for people to consider when making the choice between their next tren cycle or relationship with their spouse.

 

[maldorf]

Well take it from a business owner from a long line of business owners and a family of multiple business owners. It’s not over it’s just in hold, a lot of people I know have done better than usual through this and got SBA loans for some big cash on top of it itching to invest it. They are all just biding their time waiting for things to kick off again, I’m the same I’m looking to invest again....shopping centers and hotels with my uncles, but nothing is available right now. But that will change....

Look at the housing market its booming, houses are selling for over asking still. I honestly don’t know anyone that took a loss through the “pandemic” other than people who were bro broke with worthless jobs anyway. In the case of what your wife does I would say it’s just a matter of waiting for the floodgates to open up....

My opinion

Yeah, I think you're right about the waiting. The question is, will the bank continue to keep paying for her to get nothing done while they wait for things to start up again. If she is let go, there will be no other banks hiring either. Its a rather regional job too since banks want to hire people that know the clients in that area. Would probably end up unemployed until the virus has run its course.

You're right about homes, and I still dot understand that. It goes against logic.

 

[maldorf]

Yes, thankfully I don't have these issues.

The reason I say what I say is because we have data on androgens and their effects physiologically on our brain. There's a direct association between long term steroid use and amygdala enlargement.

"One of the key findings with the structural imaging data, said Kaufman, centered on the amygdala, the part of the brain related to emotion regulation, aggression, anxiety, and possibly even depression, which was enlarged in those who were chronic steroid users as compared to the non-users."

"“The amygdala in the steroid users wasn’t just a little bit larger than the control group, it was more than 20% larger,” said Kaufman. “That is a really marked difference, and it is particularly interesting because previous studies have shown that amygdala enlargement has been associated with aggression among other types of substance abuse populations.”

(https://www.mcleanhospital.org/news...use-can-lead-significant-brain-structural-and)

If you already have mental health issues (depression, anxiety...etc), taking drugs that impact the emotional regulator of your brain is probably not a good idea.

I guess you can make the same comments for: "If you have early heart disease in your family, you probably shouldn't use steroids". That's not going to stop a lot of guys, because atherosclerosis is a relatively slow and in the background process. Mental health problems spill into day to day life, people can't function at work, in their personal lives, so they might take it more into consideration.

Not taking some moral high ground by telling guys what to do, I have met PLENTY of dysfunctional human beings in real life that abuse steroids. Just something for people to consider when making the choice between their next tren cycle or relationship with their spouse.

I guess that might be one reason that males are more aggressive than females. Ive never heard that about the brain. Id guess anatomical studies have shown that the amygdala in men is larger then in women.

 

[johnjuanb1]

Amen to all of that. Lifting weights is my way of fighting the demons and beating them down for a little while. I always feel better after a good hard workout. But that's why it's almost impossible for me to take any off time. After a couple days off, the nervous energy really builds up, the demons become overpowering, and I feel restless and edgy, exasperated at little things, down and depressed. I worry that I'm not putting the work in, and that I'm shrinking away, even though realistically I know the rest would do me good. But emotionally it is impossible to deal with.

And women? Good Lord, I don't even know where to begin with that. Women used to be everything that I desired, when I still had desire and libido (sadly lacking lately.) But even when you've found a good one, up close you can see her flaws and imperfections, eventually she nags and complains and starts arguments, and you start wishing you were with that woman over there...or that one over there. I can't deal with arguments, I would rather just walk away. Which is why I'm here posting on the computer right now, instead of sitting next to my wife on the sofa, because she did something really inconsiderate to piss me off. Sigh...there's an old Italian proverb that goes "All women are whores, except for our own mothers, and even that is only out of respect." ;-)

I had a good workout tonight and was feeling good, and then the argument with my wife pissed me off, and I had to walk away and cool off. Again, this is part of why I just wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again, never have to deal with any of the petty bullshit, growing old, financial worries, bills, any of it. If I could just go to sleep and slip away into sweet oblivion, beautiful nothingness, the void...just to end it all. Right now that seems like such a relief to me.

Damn man, everything you say is like me except I haven’t had a girlfriend in a million years due to fear of everything. I can’t handle arguing either. It kills me. I had one girlfriend who I lived with for two years and we only had one argument. Turns out she kept everything inside so it was all a lie. I see no need to argue if you can just talk things out and listen to both sides. But many people just want to yell and tear you down out of selfishness.
The thoughts of praying I don’t wake up are very common for me at times. I was doing much better before Covid-19 ended my career for God knows how long. If I run out of money I doubt I can handle being homeless again. Who knows though. I’ve done it twice in the past for close to a year and a half. The hardest thing for me is not having someone in my life to love. My mental issues keep me from dating. But things can change real fast. I went from rock bottom to doing real well out of no where for a couple years. I’m just trying to my best.
Hang in there. I hope things get better for you. It’s so hard to calmly talk things out with a women who isn’t good at talking, not telling. But maybe you can calmly let her know that yelling and arguing hurts you and hurts the relationship. If she yells try to stay calm and not react. It’s that emotional reaction she’s trying to get out of you. She sees it as power. Don’t let her get away with it. I’ve noticed people respect me most when they see I don’t let anything bother me, and I stay calm and take what they say then say I see their point and hear is my side. It takes so much inner strength to do this but it shows the other person you are in control. I wish you best. Stay strong!

 

[qbkilla]

suicidal thoughts isn't always mental illness.

Mental illness if classified like that, everyone has it.

But i think the third comment in this thread sums it up. People taking dramatic steps to better their look, either for them selves or others are always going to think of them selves as not good enough. This can go hand in hand.

On the other side it can be the drive to push them selves to be the best by thinking there is always room for improvement.

Everyone has suicidal thoughts? I dont know the percentage that does but I'd say it's small. I think it's a dangerous game to normalize suicidal thoughts, this could get people that have these thoughts to say "oh I'm fine everyone feels like this sometimes I dont need help."

 

[ripriot]

Personally I enjoy eating mushrooms several times a year. Not when I am running cycles. But just on a low TRT dose of 150-160. The mushrooms seem to reset my mind, allows my brain to perceive things differently, and remember to think of the beauty in life! I always wake up refreshed the next day with a better mindset. I am happy that they are finally being studied for medicinal use.

 

[Kaladryn]

Hormone imbalances can drive depression, if you don't do all this shit correctly, you can easily get yourself into trouble.

 

[mpjuice]

I have attempted a couple times and seriously contemplated many many times.

But I attributed that all to narcotic use (a feeling of hopelessness because I couldn't stop, I'm usually a very happy guy). AAS and HGH and usually are great antidepressants/mood boosters for me. My last cycle was the first time that AAS gave me depression (superdrol was the culprit couple days after I drop it I felt better).

 

[mpjuice]

Personally I enjoy eating mushrooms several times a year. Not when I am running cycles. But just on a low TRT dose of 150-160. The mushrooms seem to reset my mind, allows my brain to perceive things differently, and remember to think of the beauty in life! I always wake up refreshed the next day with a better mindset. I am happy that they are finally being studied for medicinal use.

Lucy (or rc analogues) is great too, microdosing seems to do everything adderal promises to (increased productivity creativity and mood boosting)

 

[mpjuice]

Good post.

As for me, yes, I look at suicide as a possibility. Always have. I've changed my mind towards it and don't feel it's as taboo as it has been in the past. Man creates his own life and should have the right to take it, as well.

I'm bipolar 2 and my manic phases are becoming more manic and depressive phases more depressive. I'm still in an especially bad phase now. I will not take any more pills for it, I'd rather be a little fuckin crazy; that shit is fun.

There's plenty of time to be dead you're only alive once. I'm very happy my attempts have failed. My life is now better than I could ever imagined.

 

[mpjuice]

It was tough on me when I had my heart attack. There isn't much you can do with a weak heart, just do your best but the muscle is going. No more steroids too.

I know it sucks, I was (essentially) crippled for over a year and a half (from a motorcycle accident). It was very hard on me, but I found new ways to have fun.

As soon as I slightly recovered I started dating my now wife. I now make more money than I was I moved into a bigger house and approaching the stats I once had.

 

[mpjuice]

"I'm real messed up when it comes to women. They scare the shit out of me."

@johnjuanb1 you never lied. My mother was psychologically abusive whilst my father was a Saint. Same story with my grandmother and grandfather; she was a wicked woman and he was an amazing man. I'm 35 and still scared shitless that my fate will be the same. It nearly was at one time, I nearly got stuck with this one girl that would have happily landed me in misery. It's gotten to the point where if anything about a woman reminds me of my mother, I'll immediately disregard her, for better or worse. Women have given us all PTSD, I imagine, but our weewees still make most of these decisions, whether we like it or not.

I've had bad experiences with exs (but that was my fault for choosing the wrong ones).

There's definitely good women out there, but I feel that they're becoming more and more rare. Modern Western culture is destroying good women.

 

[mpjuice]

Well take it from a business owner from a long line of business owners and a family of multiple business owners. It’s not over it’s just in hold, a lot of people I know have done better than usual through this and got SBA loans for some big cash on top of it itching to invest it. They are all just biding their time waiting for things to kick off again, I’m the same I’m looking to invest again....shopping centers and hotels with my uncles, but nothing is available right now. But that will change....

Look at the housing market its booming, houses are selling for over asking still. I honestly don’t know anyone that took a loss through the “pandemic” other than people who were bro broke with worthless jobs anyway. In the case of what your wife does I would say it’s just a matter of waiting for the floodgates to open up....

My opinion

You're right.

My company got 170k SBA loan and we're hitting record sales almost every month.

 

[BoredStiff]

I think it’s more the personality than the steroids (ignoring hormone imbalances from terrible PCT protocols etc.) But think about it, what kind of mentality does it take for a 20 year old kid to sit in a room, hands shaky, breaking a sweat, holding a vial and about to jab himself with a needle. Outside of an athlete doing it because he/she truly wants to become a pro or make a career out of it, it takes some kind of insecurity to get you to that point. Even most natural bodybuilders often cite bullying/lack of attention from girls as their motivator. So you take someone with that mindset and of course they will be more likely to develop depression and suicidal ideology in some cases, not because of the hormones, but because they are using steroids as a way to run away from something that they can never fully run away from, and when that reality hits, shit gets dark.

 

[Sides]

I think it’s more the personality than the steroids (ignoring hormone imbalances from terrible PCT protocols etc.) But think about it, what kind of mentality does it take for a 20 year old kid to sit in a room, hands shaky, breaking a sweat, holding a vial and about to jab himself with a needle. Outside of an athlete doing it because he/she truly wants to become a pro or make a career out of it, it takes some kind of insecurity to get you to that point. Even most natural bodybuilders often cite bullying/lack of attention from girls as their motivator. So you take someone with that mindset and of course they will be more likely to develop depression and suicidal ideology in some cases, not because of the hormones, but because they are using steroids as a way to run away from something that they can never fully run away from, and when that reality hits, shit gets dark.

Very true. The one person you can never run away from is yourself. Wherever you go, there you are. And some of us have childhoods that we will never truly overcome, no matter how hard we try.

You can use steroids, not just to escape from reality, but to alter reality for a while, to get bigger and stronger and leaner, to "become the person you were always meant to be." But somewhere deep inside you, you are still that scared little child that you were when you were younger. You may be dressed up with fifty or a hundred extra pounds of muscle, but the essential you is still the same. And if your mental image depends on that extra muscle, then when you get older or injured (or both) and start to lose it, mentally it takes a terrible toll on you.

St Francis Xavier famously said "Give me the child until he is seven, and I will give you the man." I believe that's true, and the first ten years of life are the formative years that set the pattern and write the script for the entire rest of our lives. And it makes me weep, because I know how bad the first ten years of my life were.

I've been trying to beat those demons out of me for 52 years now, one training session at a time. It worked for a long time, but the older I get, the old solutions don't work as well any more. So now it's either change or die, adapt and overcome or let the demons overwhelm me.

And every time I look in the mirror, instead of seeing the strong bodybuilder I used to be, I see that scared little kid, that I truly am inside, looking back at me.

 

[thethinker48]

Very true. The one person you can never run away from is yourself. Wherever you go, there you are. And some of us have childhoods that we will never truly overcome, no matter how hard we try.

You can use steroids, not just to escape from reality, but to alter reality for a while, to get bigger and stronger and leaner, to "become the person you were always meant to be." But somewhere deep inside you, you are still that scared little child that you were when you were younger. You may be dressed up with fifty or a hundred extra pounds of muscle, but the essential you is still the same. And if your mental image depends on that extra muscle, then when you get older or injured (or both) and start to lose it, mentally it takes a terrible toll on you.

St Francis Xavier famously said "Give me the child until he is seven, and I will give you the man." I believe that's true, and the first ten years of life are the formative years that set the pattern and write the script for the entire rest of our lives. And it makes me weep, because I know how bad the first ten years of my life were.

I've been trying to beat those demons out of me for 52 years now, one training session at a time. It worked for a long time, but the older I get, the old solutions don't work as well any more. So now it's either change or die, adapt and overcome or let the demons overwhelm me.

And every time I look in the mirror, instead of seeing the strong bodybuilder I used to be, I see that scared little kid, that I truly am inside, looking back at me.

You can literally be Mike Tyson, and still be a scared young boy on the inside. The youngest heavyweight champion of the world was afraid of making eye contact with people due to self esteem and trauma issues.