Officially OVer

[notsobig32]

Ok,

so here it is, the wife and i have gone our separate ways. We have decided that our relationship is toxic and will lead back to betrayal and drgu use. I moved out this weekend and am staying with a family member till i can find an apartment.

The hardest part is missing her. I know that things were not all good but i thought that there were a lot of good things. it just seemed like at the end we went back to our old behaviors and we were arguing about using drugs alot.

I miss heer a lot but am hopeful, geting my life together is a top priority and this time around i am gonna do it the right way. I have a 4 year old litttle boy that is the most important thing in my life and that is what i have to be concsious of. His welfare and over all well-being.

It sucks because the ones that are the least suited for us are the ones we love the most.

 

[Gators]

It sucks, been in those shoes before, very recently. My ex and i came to the same conclusion, although she reached that before me, but now i agree. Did counseling for 3 years, but we ended up back in the same old ruts, it's better being apart...

Long road ahead of you, not going to sugar coat it, 1st few mths are brutal, but you'll see the sunshine again, and you'll re-discover happiness again, but 1st you have to re-discover yourself. Stay sober, my prayers are with you

 

[triathloncoach]

Ugh

Just know you are not the 1st going through this. It hurts more than any hurt. Any kind of recovery is a process. Try to be sober, nothing worse than a broken heart and a hang over.

 

[notsobig32]

It sucks, been in those shoes before, very recently. My ex and i came to the same conclusion, although she reached that before me, but now i agree. Did counseling for 3 years, but we ended up back in the same old ruts, it's better being apart...

Long road ahead of you, not going to sugar coat it, 1st few mths are brutal, but you'll see the sunshine again, and you'll re-discover happiness again, but 1st you have to re-discover yourself. Stay sober, my prayers are with you

I am actually good with it all. She made it easy. She ran off with all the money but i am fine. I was divorced before and this was us attempting to reconcile ourselves now that we were both over our drug addictions. We became different people but a lot of behaviors were leading us down very familiar paths. I will love her forever but i know that i cannot be with her, we are toxic together and there is too much riding on me being clean and sober.

 

[notsobig32]

I have actually decided i am going to take a year and really work on myself. I will have female friends and hang out with females but i refuse to enter into another relationship until i am happy wiht myself. This drives home the point that i validate my worth based on what a female thinks of me.

I know that i am going to seek out people who have the same interests as me and i am going to become much more active in NA again. It should be a great time.

Besides, now that there is no more drama, i am going balls to the wall in the gym=-)

 

[HeavyHitter2]

I know what your going through bro, the wife and I are having some hard times, and honestly it's mostly me. i'm just not happy. a lot of things have happened to me since we met 10 years ago, (I lost my father and grandmother within 6 months of each other) and I think that has changed me as I have not dealt or grieved the loss of my dad yet and it's been 10 years, I guess because I felt I had to be strong for Mom and all. anyway sorry to hijack. I wish the best for you bro, you WILL pull through this. w are all here for you bro, just a keystroke away.

 

[Gators]

NSB, i'm on the same road Bro, just casually dating a few women, won't get into anything remotely serious for another 8 mths, at least. When you're married, you begin to lose YOUR identity in a way, you're identity becomes more intertwined with your spouses. You are doing the right thing, lay low, throw yourself into being a great dad, the gym, NA, and becoming happy with yourself, not saying you aren't. I already told a friend that if he hears i'm getting re-married anytime soon, to come beat the shit out of me until i change my mind Sobriety is the main thing, and you sure sound like you're doing great there... And you already know this i'm sure, but the single available women out there are just like we are - they want to have some conversation, a nice dinner, then get their groove thing on then go back to their lives.

 

[notsobig32]

NSB, i'm on the same road Bro, just casually dating a few women, won't get into anything remotely serious for another 8 mths, at least. When you're married, you begin to lose YOUR identity in a way, you're identity becomes more intertwined with your spouses. You are doing the right thing, lay low, throw yourself into being a great dad, the gym, NA, and becoming happy with yourself, not saying you aren't. I already told a friend that if he hears i'm getting re-married anytime soon, to come beat the shit out of me until i change my mind Sobriety is the main thing, and you sure sound like you're doing great there... And you already know this i'm sure, but the single available women out there are just like we are - they want to have some conversation, a nice dinner, then get their groove thing on then go back to their lives.

Have you ever analyzed the little choices we make on a daily basis and how they cascade into huge effects? This occurs to me because last wee she told me to get out, so idid. Then she made me come (actually begged that very night). Not one week later she told me to get out again, through nothing i had done. She just couldn;'t get over our past drug use and my infiddelity. This was after a weekend i would have rated one of the best. So i left, and i refuse to go back this time., It is time to move on wiht my life.

I loved my son;s mother with(still do) with all of my heart but could not stay because of all of this and at the end of the day, you know what if i had stayed , i would have a t least been able to see my son on a continual basis(everyday). Now i have her calling me.

I just want to figue out who i am and what i want, i have hiod behind drugs, women, becoming the best programmer (i like to think in the midatlantic)=-), behind everything


Guys i need help, i am going through a bad time and my doctor has given me nerve pills but what i need from you all is, are there are good books, courses, whatever to find myself. I eat what i eat because it makes me grow. The other morning at breakfast with the wife i wanted to try something different and she told me to get what i wanted. I honestly couldn;'t even answer what i wanted.

Have any of you ever felt lost like this? I am looking for all feedback but i klnow everlast always has some super insightful tips along with gators.

 

[HeavyHitter2]

the best way to find yourself is to be by yourself for a while. I was married at 21, divorced at 25. i'm 40 now and have been re-married for 10 years. but after my divorce, I spent a lot of time by myself, going out, meeting new people, focused on my training. you'd be surprised how much that helps. and the most important thing to do when you find yourself, is to accept who you are and what your about, and don't hide it, so the next girl that comes along can accept you for who you truly are. good luck bro.

 

[notsobig32]

the best way to find yourself is to be by yourself for a while. I was married at 21, divorced at 25. i'm 40 now and have been re-married for 10 years. but after my divorce, I spent a lot of time by myself, going out, meeting new people, focused on my training. you'd be surprised how much that helps. and the most important thing to do when you find yourself, is to accept who you are and what your about, and don't hide it, so the next girl that comes along can accept you for who you truly are. good luck bro.

yeah, thats the basic plan. Rebuild my life and get back into lifting 110%. That regimented life will keep me going for now and keep me from sliding into any behaviors i should be. All in all i am happy. I miss her to death but it is gett a little better each day.

Thanks for all the advice everyone=-)

 

[Gators]

An older friend told me once they cross the line into crazy, they don't come back. I laughed at the time, but now i wonder. I have lots of friends who's wives are in their late 30's / early 40's, and turn 'crazy' for lack of a better term, a kinder term maybe restless (don't want the women here gnawing on me). No one can tell you what to do w/ your wife, only you know that, but an idea is a extended separation while both of you work on your own issues, and be celibate. I wanted to do this, but my ex thinks she has no issues, only I do, but we all have some baggage we drag around. Has she had a psyche workup done, she maybe facing some bio chem issues, as well as unresolved emotional issues that need to be addressed. Maybe you should re-work the steps?

I have a different perspective now, and it's ok, i now know she isn't the woman i fell in love with and married for a long time, and i'm better and much happier having moved on, i didn't realize how unhappy i was until now. Pray alot, listen to that quiet voice of God, and you'll be much happier in time with a more stable life.

 

[notsobig32]

yeah man,

i have been rereading the step book again and pulled the workbook out last night. I did some work in them and even called my old sponsor.

I think that the searching and fearless moral inventory is gonna be the tough one. That is the one that almost killed me the very first time around but it is adefinitely a growth experience.

Oh i still love her. I will probably always love her(the her i have idealiuzed in my mind) and as long as i don't let that fantasy her(when we met cross over into real life, then i should be ok.

I treated her like shit when i was using and chose drugs over her many many times. I did many many things i am not proud of BUT i did try this last time. I treated her like a princess. As far as an exteneded celibate separation, she doesn't do single well so she will probably move on, if she hasn't oh well. I am moving on to the iron, thats my thing.

Honestly, i wish her the best and i hope she find it is that makes her happy. Little sad it isn't my charming self but what they hey

 

[EVERLAST]

Gator...

Gator that was well said man.

NSB...you have to walk the line.
Do whats right and work on you
and everything will fall into place.
Just takes longer than you'd like sometimes...
oh and..

You never walk alone.

 

[aeliop]

Sorry NotSoBig

Hey I am really sorry to hear about this NSB. I know you have been working hard at making your marriage work and I feel badly that it has come to this. Keep your head up and just take it one day at a time. Certainly if I could be of any help don't hesitate to ask.

 

[Gators]

After thinking on this some more, it doesn't sound over, it sounds like there are some issues that still need to be resolved, but maybe they can't, or she's not willing. When you're hurt, you put up walls to keep yourself safe, and it's hard hard hard to get those walls to come down. My ex has some big bad ass walls, and she started to chip away at them, then stopped, and i knew when she stopped going to counseling it was a matter of time before doo doo met the fan, and unfortunately i was right. Might be some commonalities / parallels here...

 

[notsobig32]

thanks for the support everyone. Aeliop, i did work very very hard and i can at least walk away knowing that now i know how to treat a woman better, as a peer. It is ashame that it ended the way it did but i wish her nothing but the best and honestly the world is wide open(no women) meaning fun things to do and places to travel. Well may need a woman for travellling.....darn, there went that plan!!!!

I appreciate the support guuys, i am picking up all of the pieces one by one and rebuilding them into something stronger, something that is mine. If one day i choose to share it, it will be with someone i am sure about.

BTW aelio, you and marylin, and the other couples on the board are part of the inspiration that i used to try to make things work. I still recommend trying to make things work.

thanks again everyone. Time to get back serious into the gym and beating the log boook by leaps and bounds.(well maybe 2.5 lb plates here and there)

 

[notsobig32]

t then i realized this just demonstrated how much she needs to be validated.

I explained i no longer want to hear about her escapades and i wish her the best she is a great woman. I hope she finds that ever elusive happiness=-)

just an amusing short storyl=. This is proving easier and easier.

I did get to see my little 4 year old fo about an hour tonight AND i also got to talk to his mom(as a friend) without a jealous wife harping on every word, I feel good.

thanks again guys/gals.

 

[gainingweight]

It's a bitter pill to swallow no matter what you do to wash it down...I've been through it and am going through it again, for what it's worth I'm sorry...it's an old saying but it's true "time heals all wounds", anyways just concentrate on one day at a time, thinking about what ifs and what I should've done will only cause you to dig a deeper hole. Hit the weights and try not to dwell on the past.

 

[notsobig32]

It's a bitter pill to swallow no matter what you do to wash it down...I've been through it and am going through it again, for what it's worth I'm sorry...it's an old saying but it's true "time heals all wounds", anyways just concentrate on one day at a time, thinking about what ifs and what I should've done will only cause you to dig a deeper hole. Hit the weights and try not to dwell on the past.

Thank you,
i know it will be fine. I am pretty excited at getting to start life over and rebuild things the way that i want and to try to do things different this time.

sorry to hear you are going through it again yourself

 

[notsobig32]

I was student teaching and stressed out. She was always demanding that I come see her or it meant I didn't love her.

So I broke it off with her and began seeing another girl.

This is when she went off the deep end and started the slutty behavior that I detested.

She may have chosen to get around but at least I can say she wasn't a cheater.

When I found out what she was doing, I won't lie, it hurt because I thought she was so much better than that as a person.

I threw it in her face when she was trying to approach me in the weight room that day and many times thereafter.

I probably shouldn't have done that, because I think it drove her over the edge. She showed up at my room once and clawed her own face....just made a claw of her hand and drug it from her forehead, down her nose, lips and chin. That was a little spooky.

Two years of stuff like that. I just shudder thinking about it even now.

My dad even said, "Jethro, it's a good thing you didn't end up with her, she might have gotten angry and drown your kids just to strike out at you."

I didn't want to hijack the other thread after reading what you wrote, it was completely poignant to my current situation.

Since splitting i receive daily calls that alternate between wanting to get back together or that she has moved on and is staying with some other guy. Being removed from things a little bit(i have come to terms with us being incompatible and over) i can sit back these days and i look at her behavior and can't help but feel that she is acting completely unbalanced and irrational.

It isn't easy because i was married to this woman and she managed to move in/on with someone else after 2 weeks. I definitely take it personal but am not dwelling on it. i am focusing on rebuilding my life, hitting the gym and all that.

it is just very startling what people do when a relationship with them ends and you have a little distance to sit back and watch them. Very interesting.