Violent Family Death

[6packguy]

I do not post here often, although I do quite a bit of lurking around, I am here because I really am having a hard time coping with a recent death in my family.
My younger brother who was 22, suffered from drug and alcohol addiction all his life. I have seen him through four overdoses, and various other incidents that are to long to get into here. He suffered a relapse in October, and destroyed my parents house in a alcohol induced rage on my birthday. After that, I knew every incident that followed would be worse just like it always was. Unfortunately I was right. On Monday of this week he showed up intoxicated behind a school with a very real looking toy gun. He proceeded to wave it at passerbys, untill someone called the police. When the police arrived they instructed him to put down the weapon. Instead of following the officers instructions, he proceeded to point the toy gun in the direction of the officer, who shot him three times, once in the neck, once in the arm, and once in the torso. He was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.
I have never dealt with a death like this, so close to home and so senseless at the same time. I am having a hard time coping. I go to sleep crying, and I cry when I wake up. Throughout the day, my mind races constantly. I have fits of anger and bouts of crying seemingly out of nowhere. I know I need help, I guess I am hoping someone here could give me some tips on how to cope and work through this. I will seek counseling after the funeral, I just need some help coping until then. Any and all help/advice would be greatly appreciated,. Thank you for your time

 

[HOTROCKS]

Brother cry all the hell you want .
Grieving is a necessary process that can not be bypassed .

Time heals ALL wounds .

Give it time my friend.

 

[Dann]

Words cant define how I felt for you here Bro... May God give you all the strength and courage to ride out this time ...
We can never stop any one when their time comes ... All we can do is pray that may God have mercy upon them and that they are in better place now ... much more in peace and happy
Amen ..
I will pray for you

 

[6packguy]

Thank you guys your kind words and prayers mean more to me than you will ever know.
I know he chose his own path and in the end there is nothing you can do when ones time comes. The difficulty for me is the residual guilt. Did I really do all I could have done? could I have done more? I fear these two questions will haunt me for a lifetime

 

[liftalot79]

I feel you

I myself knows what it like to be an addict/alcoholic for years. I'm going on 4yrs clean. Your brother was in a fight with a monster of who he become and who he once was. I have lost a two Best Friends, a cousin, and countless others to the Disease of Addiction. It never really goes away or better you just learn how to do deal with it in your everyday life.

I'm here if you need me. PM me if you need to.

Plus you & your parents would 100% benefit from alanon, narcanon or another recovery group, its not for the addict lost its for "YOU"

 

[Dann]

Deat Bro , U shouldnt even be asking ur self that question tht if u did enough or not ... think about it man u were his brother , Who can look after each other more then own blood ... its just natural
Unfortunaetly its just the way some thingsl are destined .I think its just the rage u have inside thats making u think all this... my advice man whn everything is over take some time off for urself and just go some whr for few days or week

 

[marilyn]

I don't know what to say except very sorry to hear this...Its sad news for sure....Im glad you will seek professional help as well as decided to reach out to members for support...hang in there, is fresh pain...again sorry for your loss

 

[triathloncoach]

You are in my thoughts

My sincere condolences. It's going to exquisitely hurt for a long time. See a therapist. Join a support group. Remember you were there for your brother. Get some doctor prescribed sedatives.

My hope for you is that you patiently work towards managing the grief. It's going to take time. It's one of those horribly unfair turns in the world.

 

[scrapper13]

brother there is nothing right now that will make the pain go away. all you can do is get through this by sticking with your family and friends. i am sure you and your family did everything you possibly could for him so please do not blame yourself. it sounds like your brother had some inner demons that he was just not able to cope with, but at least now you know that he is resting peacefully in a better place. i am so sorry for your loss and i would highly recommend professional counseling. i will say a prayer for your family.

 

[SOCOM]

Im sorry about your loss. You are going to cry regardless if you see a professional or not, you were his brother regardless if you guys were close or not..the love was still there.

I dont believe your brother wanted his life to end this way, but addiction is a tough mother. Anyone will agree when youre under the influence of any substance you will do things that you would never do while sober. Only he knows what kind of frustrations were going on in his life at the moment, just because youre the adict doesnt mean youre not aware of what youre doing or uncable of doing.

I was addicted to Meth for a while and I was lucky to get over it and move on. Unfortunatley it doesnt work out that way for all of us and whether its alcohol meth crack heroid...an addiction is tough to beat. Just love your brother for who he TRULY was, remember the good times you two had when he was younger and think of this as an unfortunate incident.

I have a younger brother going through similar problems right now, not drug related but his mind is not working the way it should be and hes on meds. Sometimes he snaps...but I remind myself...he didnt choose this life, it was given to him. As the older brother it will always be my responsibility to love him and care for him..no matter which path "he" takes..

Just cry for now

 

[PHIL HERNON]

Wow

I am so sorry.........email me if you need to talk..........

 

[Gators]

Wow, terrible, I am sorry for your loss, i will pray for you.

Best advice i can give is get some Professional help to help you cope with this, that's what they are there for, and this obviously is serious stuff.

 

[dwil]

I'm so sorry for your loss. He's in a better place now, at peace with himself. I'll say a prayer for you and your family

 

[napaulm]

i feel for you. but u needa understand his problems controlled him. u can't comprehend the misery unless, like me, u been there. he felt outa control, and wanted to die at that moment. been there often. it's so tough on people who can't understand. cry, mourn, let yourself feel! he's not suffering now. u are tho. talk it out with everyone u can. counselors. i hope u feel able to accept it. addiction changes people and they lose their true selves.

 

[BUSDRIVER]

been there bro, like another bro said, go ahead and cry and cry all you need to. Do not turn this into more bad, meaning do not start hating the world or feeling sorry for yourself and start an addiction yourself. Time will heal and you will move on- you have too. Stay close too and lean on your family. If you need advice on how I dealt and made it through, pm me.

 

[marilyn]

how are you?...Have you started any therapy?

Don't be afraid to talk...you saw Phil's comment to email him privately to talk.

 

[Dann]

Hey bro
thought to check up on you ... How you doing ??

 

[highoutput]

Hey man you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sorry for your loss.

 

[6packguy]

I want to thank all of you for your outpouring of support. I always thought of this forum as a place for workout and diet advice. Now I know that I can come here for moral support as well and that means alot to me, especialy now.

Phil, I will take you up on your offer. I really do need someone to talk to, and there is some things I need to explain to you that are well over due. I will Email you this evening before I fly out to NY

I want to thank everyone for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. They mean more to me than you will ever know.

I am coming to the realization that this is the path he chose, I did alot to try to help him, maybe I could have done more, but once one choses ones destiny there is little or nothing anyone can do. On that you guys are 100% right. It will just take me some time to accept that.

I am also a former marine combat vet. two tours in iraq, one in fallujah and one in Ramadi. I always said that when one picks up a weapom, one accepts all consequences that may follow picking up that weapon. Those consequences can very well include death or injury to ones self. I also need to realize that in essence he picked up a weapon, and therefore was accountable for whatever followed that action

Although I realize these things mentally, I do not think I do emotionally, if that makes any sense. I am on doctor prescribed valium, 40mg daily which helps, but I still feel my mind racing and have alot of difficulty sleeping, and sometimes just functioning in general.

I have a counseling appointment with a good counsler when I come back. This all happened so quick, I havent had time to seek any help as I have been busy making travel arrangements and helping out with the funeral.

My real concern is when I go back home. I still have the wake this weekend, and the funeral this monday at which I am reciting the eulogy. I know these things will be really hard, and I worry about how I may handle them untill I can get back for professional counseling.

Once again I am deeply touched by the outpouriong of support here. You guys are amazing. Thank you and I promise I will keep you posted

 

[6packguy]

Well after taking a much needed break from almost everything except eating and weight lifting, I am back
Going back home was tough, as I had to hold myself together as well as my parents. I cleaned out my little brothers room, which I knew they wouldnt be able to do on their own. That was tough. I also planned the church service, as well as writing and reading the euology which suprosongly actually recieved an ovation. I did not think that happened at funerals. I did alot of crying, but also alot of holding back emotionally, as I could not fall apart in front of those who needed me.
Slowly I am returning to my normal routine. I am back in school, and have a ton of catch up work to do, which includes two term papers as well as two mid-terms. I have buried myself in school work and other activities to keep me busy. As long as I am busy I do not feel, which for now I think is best.
If I was to face these emotions head on right now, I would fail in school as well as work, and lose everything me and my fiance have worked so hard for. Just because I am sad I will not stop providing and doing what is required of me. That would not be fair to her or to me.
As far as therapy goes, I am a former vet so I sought help through the VA. They sat me in front of some lady the size of an elephant. After explaining what had happened and why I was so upset, her first question was to ask me if I was on steroids since steroids cause mood swings. I asked her why would you ask me such a thing at a time like this. Her reply was well your a bodybuilder. So my response was well your fat so do you eat mcdonalds everyday? Needles to say that she immediately wanted to put me on seroquel which I refused to take. In the end she angered me so much I told her to fuck off and slammed her door so hard it closed and opend aagin, swinging back into the wall and putting a huge hole in it.
So after that experience I have decided to forsake counseling. Instead I am depending on my family and friends, as well as you guys here to talk too. I still have alot of hurt and pain, but I have pushed it to the side for now so I can do what I have to do for me and my family. I just hope this avoidance tactic does not backfire on me in the long run............
Thank you all so much for listening and responding to me. You guys do not really know me, yet the outpouring of support I have recieved is nothing short of amazing. This experience has taught me that the people here are not only exceptional athletes, but exceptional people as well with hearts of gold. Thank you all and god bless. If anyone has any suggestions or feedback I would love to hear it. Maybe I can do something different to cope that I have not thought of.