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Get engaged or set her free?

cannibal

Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 12, 2002
Messages
204
I've been with my current partner almost three years, & love her more than anything.
She's my world, & far more than I ever deserve.
She's been really pushing for us to get engaged & as much as I want to spend forever with he, I know she could do so much better than me.
I'm 38, just bankrupted, wasted a large part of my life angry at the world, & consumed with doing something very bad to someone very deserved, until at 30 that option was taken. Cost me my first marriage, and so much more. From there went into a downward spiral of frequent substance abuse, etc, basically I've wasted my life.
I met her in the depths of this hole, and Ive never met anyone like her. She had a worse background than me, instead of fking her life away like I had, decided she was going to bring as much good into the world possible, and does just that.
First time I thought maybe I can be something worthwhile too.

Very soon after meeting, at 30 was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, wasn't good.
On top of that, all her "friends" ditched her, unfortunately her generosity, had attracted leeches, not friends, and her family walked away as too fking hard on them.
She took the diagnosis relatively well, but the abandonment crushed her.
Seeing this beautiful person fighting for their life, already been thru hell, and now repeatedly saying she must be a shit person for even her family not to care killed me.
As my usual dumb response was, I raged, vowed to kill her family if she didn't make it, which only made it worse for her.
Somehow I pulled my head in, & decided to do everything possible, which was Fk all, to help.
She battled hard, was given very low chances, somehow managed to not even take one sick day thru 12 months treatment, beat that fking disease.
The only thing I've done in my life I'm proud of is cooking her meals and holding her hand through it.

Now 12 months in remission she wants to get married. As much as I'd love that, I dont wanna have her waste her life with me, she could do so much better. I want the world for her, I want her to have the best life possible, and I know that's not with me. As much as it'd break my heart to not have her, I'd love to see her taken on nice holidays, and treated properly.

I'm sure she loves me, but also sure the goodness in her wants to try and save this wreck. No one beats cancer to then waste their life helping some fkr who blew theirs by choice.

It's getting tense, she can't understand it's not a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of wanting better for her. She thinks I'm what she wants, but I know me, and no one wants this!

I don't know what the fk to do.
 
Thats a tough situation man, I can understand some of what you are talking about having destroyed my own life as well.
Im not sure what you should do, I can understand completely not wanting to be a burden on someone or the fact that you feel like she can do better.
But, love is a strange thing - or so I have noticed.
I think both of you need to sit down with a counselor of some sort, not because you guys relationship is not working but you need to discuss these issues with someone who can help see things more clearly- there's a lot of emotion wound up in the relationship with what you both have been through.

Ask yourself besides the problems you have had and feeling like she can do better- do you want to marry her?
Be honest with yourself.

Marriage is no joke- but if you were there for 12 months of the hell she went through - then you guys can make it through anything in relationship/marriage.
 
there have been relationships built on a lot less

look at what you have done. why doesnt the faithfulness and devotion you have given her make you the "better than you " person you think she can get?
i met mine in a church for 30 seconds after my coworker took me there to meet her. i then attached myself to her. after so many years of marriage i thought she was just a plain old average girl and thats why i wunderlusted a few times. Now as i am finally mature (long time i know) i see i have wasted 30 years not seeing the real beauty in side her.
she was a virigin. i didnt repsect what that meant. she was faithful and trustworthy. i never was and didn't respect those qualities. this year when i started facebooking, i see all the people that love my wife and value her opinion, her spirituality and great disposition. i thought, wow i am and have been married to the greatest person in the world and i probably didn't deserve that but God knew i needed her and put us together.
and yes, i also at this time thought and told her she could do better. she said i am her husband and thats that!
I say Hold on to the tiger and enjoy the ride. you dont have much left. carpe diem
 
Wife her up man, you obviously care very deeply for each other. You may not see the good in you but she does, if you don't feel worthy of her love then start working to make yourself worthy!
 
I am going to go against the grain of what others are saying. If you are asking if you should ditch her or get married, you are not ready to get married. Also, you have some issues that need to be worked out that would effect any marriage. Getting married does not always change your ways. As a matter of fact, they usually stay with you. You should seek some counselling and work out your issues first, before marriage. That does not mean you can't have an on going relationship with her until you get these things resolved.
 
I am going to go against the grain of what others are saying. If you are asking if you should ditch her or get married, you are not ready to get married. Also, you have some issues that need to be worked out that would effect any marriage. Getting married does not always change your ways. As a matter of fact, they usually stay with you. You should seek some counselling and work out your issues first, before marriage. That does not mean you can't have an on going relationship with her until you get these things resolved.
but there is "for better or worse" part. i see your point and agree, but nothings perfect. look at the couples that wait to have kids until the perfect time and then cannot. there are so many routes up a mountain.
 
I've been with my current partner almost three years, & love her more than anything.
She's my world, & far more than I ever deserve.
She's been really pushing for us to get engaged & as much as I want to spend forever with he, I know she could do so much better than me.
I'm 38, just bankrupted, wasted a large part of my life angry at the world, & consumed with doing something very bad to someone very deserved, until at 30 that option was taken. Cost me my first marriage, and so much more. From there went into a downward spiral of frequent substance abuse, etc, basically I've wasted my life.
I met her in the depths of this hole, and Ive never met anyone like her. She had a worse background than me, instead of fking her life away like I had, decided she was going to bring as much good into the world possible, and does just that.
First time I thought maybe I can be something worthwhile too.

Very soon after meeting, at 30 was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, wasn't good.
On top of that, all her "friends" ditched her, unfortunately her generosity, had attracted leeches, not friends, and her family walked away as too fking hard on them.
She took the diagnosis relatively well, but the abandonment crushed her.
Seeing this beautiful person fighting for their life, already been thru hell, and now repeatedly saying she must be a shit person for even her family not to care killed me.
As my usual dumb response was, I raged, vowed to kill her family if she didn't make it, which only made it worse for her.
Somehow I pulled my head in, & decided to do everything possible, which was Fk all, to help.
She battled hard, was given very low chances, somehow managed to not even take one sick day thru 12 months treatment, beat that fking disease.
The only thing I've done in my life I'm proud of is cooking her meals and holding her hand through it.

Now 12 months in remission she wants to get married. As much as I'd love that, I dont wanna have her waste her life with me, she could do so much better. I want the world for her, I want her to have the best life possible, and I know that's not with me. As much as it'd break my heart to not have her, I'd love to see her taken on nice holidays, and treated properly.

I'm sure she loves me, but also sure the goodness in her wants to try and save this wreck. No one beats cancer to then waste their life helping some fkr who blew theirs by choice.

It's getting tense, she can't understand it's not a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of wanting better for her. She thinks I'm what she wants, but I know me, and no one wants this!
I don't know what the fk to do.

If you love her like you claim (and it sounds like you do) then give her what she wants, the best version of you!

If you are incapable, or worse, unwilling to fix the problems (current specifics unknown to me) that would fulfill her dream then you might already be with the person you love the most, yourself. Cut her loose in that case.

I was a complete fucking disaster when I met my fiancé. I was so far beyond anything you've mentioned to this point. Her patience (almost infinite it seems), love and understanding pulled me out of hell. She found ways to forgive me in the moment for things that took me years to emotionally surrender.

There is no looking back! I am a king, a man above all other men in her eyes! Funny to think about that busted boy she saw something in 22 years ago.

There is nothing or no one but yourself stopping you from taking what is rightfully yours. Happiness.
 
I've been with my current partner almost three years, & love her more than anything.
She's my world, & far more than I ever deserve.
She's been really pushing for us to get engaged & as much as I want to spend forever with he, I know she could do so much better than me.
I'm 38, just bankrupted, wasted a large part of my life angry at the world, & consumed with doing something very bad to someone very deserved, until at 30 that option was taken. Cost me my first marriage, and so much more. From there went into a downward spiral of frequent substance abuse, etc, basically I've wasted my life.
I met her in the depths of this hole, and Ive never met anyone like her. She had a worse background than me, instead of fking her life away like I had, decided she was going to bring as much good into the world possible, and does just that.
First time I thought maybe I can be something worthwhile too.

Very soon after meeting, at 30 was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, wasn't good.
On top of that, all her "friends" ditched her, unfortunately her generosity, had attracted leeches, not friends, and her family walked away as too fking hard on them.
She took the diagnosis relatively well, but the abandonment crushed her.
Seeing this beautiful person fighting for their life, already been thru hell, and now repeatedly saying she must be a shit person for even her family not to care killed me.
As my usual dumb response was, I raged, vowed to kill her family if she didn't make it, which only made it worse for her.
Somehow I pulled my head in, & decided to do everything possible, which was Fk all, to help.
She battled hard, was given very low chances, somehow managed to not even take one sick day thru 12 months treatment, beat that fking disease.
The only thing I've done in my life I'm proud of is cooking her meals and holding her hand through it.

Now 12 months in remission she wants to get married. As much as I'd love that, I dont wanna have her waste her life with me, she could do so much better. I want the world for her, I want her to have the best life possible, and I know that's not with me. As much as it'd break my heart to not have her, I'd love to see her taken on nice holidays, and treated properly.

I'm sure she loves me, but also sure the goodness in her wants to try and save this wreck. No one beats cancer to then waste their life helping some fkr who blew theirs by choice.

It's getting tense, she can't understand it's not a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of wanting better for her. She thinks I'm what she wants, but I know me, and no one wants this!

I don't know what the fk to do.

Bullshit, all bullshit. Please don't fall for the materialistic crap trap.

I have taken my fiancé on countless vacations, purchased her numerous pricey items and still have never received the response I desired until...

I took her to the drive in with candles on the tailgate, cheap wine and the (crappy) music we fell in love to on the CD player. She was putty in my hands. Signing a credit card receipt is easy for a man of means and she knows it.

You have magical powers you haven't learned to use yet brother.
 
but there is "for better or worse" part. i see your point and agree, but nothings perfect. look at the couples that wait to have kids until the perfect time and then cannot. there are so many routes up a mountain.

The problem here is this isn't after marriage, it is before. He is not married to her yet and he is questioning weather he should get married. He is not ready, if he is not certain. When you get married, you will not ask if you should or not, you will know for certain.
 
you are better than I. I married my wife and she is the breadwinner and I like it. She pays almost all the bills alone and I have no issues with it
 
Sounds like a good,faithful, loyal woman who has seen ur worst and still loves u unconditionally... That my friend is the definition of " keeper"...they are hard to find these days...She's The type of woman who deserves to be married. You have a team mate brother, don't let that go, put ur past behind you.. We all have demons...let them go and realize we are all works in progress in this short life on earth were blessed with...we never stop learning, never stop changing, we never stop growing...Learn and grow with her brother not without her...
 
This is your chance, take it. Some of us are never sure about anything, but i am sure you would regret giving up on this.

Show her your post and propose!

Im rooting for you.
 
When you are right with you, you will be right with her. I'm in a similar situation. I'm 30, engaged and scared shitless. I've learned all I can do is work on how I handle the situation. Trying to change her or the situation is a battle I can't win. However, the more I work on me, the better everything gets.

"If you want something you've never had then you have to do something you have never done." For me that was pray and I am NOT religious.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Bullshit, all bullshit. Please don't fall for the materialistic crap trap.

I have taken my fiancé on countless vacations, purchased her numerous pricey items and still have never received the response I desired until...

I took her to the drive in with candles on the tailgate, cheap wine and the (crappy) music we fell in love to on the CD player. She was putty in my hands. Signing a credit card receipt is easy for a man of means and she knows it.

You have magical powers you haven't learned to use yet brother.

Amen brother. All the money in the world don't buy the moments and things that really worth it.

OP, No disrespect intended but I wouldn't base your worth upon material items. All that money you do or don't make won't be worth the paper its printed on soon enough anyway. If she is such a special girl like you say, and you care like you say. Then give her what she wants, You. Nut up and rise to the challenge of being the best you, you can be. Just because you pissed your life away being "angry" or with drugs or alcohol. Don't mean it all can't stop and change right fucking now. Thats the beauty of human beings, you can be a crackhead or the fucking pope, all that you need is a will to do so.

To sum it all up, don't be another asshole that ditches her. Be her rock and step up bro.
 
Thanks for feedback/advice.
I'm doing my best to be a better person for her, Have a lot of self hate issues from childhood, grandparents beat me & drummed into me that am worthless, and have trouble shaking that.
Having difficulty accepting someone so good would want me.
Was meant to see a psych on Monday, but now in hospital instead with suspected menengitis, in real rough shape. Bad timing.
I'd write me but a lil dopey from pain meds
 
If her family and friends all ditched her and now you do too it will break her.

If you love like you say, get engaged. Marriage is a piece of paper anyway, its what's behind it that means something. She wants to get engaged so she has something real and solid to hold onto after being dropped by everyone and everything been through-she sees it as some form of security in life, even though in reality it means nothing-an engagement means nothing and even when married you can get divorced in 30 minutes if there's no kids and custody problems
The srength of a marriage isn't the ring or the piece of paper its the substance behind it.
If she didn't bring up the engagement would you be planning to move on at this point and leave her?
So why when the word engagement comes up are you?

My opinion, but is it such a big deal to buy her a nice ring and make her feel special and wanted and secure? But it will be for her
 
I've been with my current partner almost three years, & love her more than anything.
She's my world, & far more than I ever deserve.
She's been really pushing for us to get engaged & as much as I want to spend forever with he, I know she could do so much better than me.
I'm 38, just bankrupted, wasted a large part of my life angry at the world, & consumed with doing something very bad to someone very deserved, until at 30 that option was taken. Cost me my first marriage, and so much more. From there went into a downward spiral of frequent substance abuse, etc, basically I've wasted my life.
I met her in the depths of this hole, and Ive never met anyone like her. She had a worse background than me, instead of fking her life away like I had, decided she was going to bring as much good into the world possible, and does just that.
First time I thought maybe I can be something worthwhile too.

Very soon after meeting, at 30 was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, wasn't good.
On top of that, all her "friends" ditched her, unfortunately her generosity, had attracted leeches, not friends, and her family walked away as too fking hard on them.
She took the diagnosis relatively well, but the abandonment crushed her.
Seeing this beautiful person fighting for their life, already been thru hell, and now repeatedly saying she must be a shit person for even her family not to care killed me.
As my usual dumb response was, I raged, vowed to kill her family if she didn't make it, which only made it worse for her.
Somehow I pulled my head in, & decided to do everything possible, which was Fk all, to help.
She battled hard, was given very low chances, somehow managed to not even take one sick day thru 12 months treatment, beat that fking disease.
The only thing I've done in my life I'm proud of is cooking her meals and holding her hand through it.

Now 12 months in remission she wants to get married. As much as I'd love that, I dont wanna have her waste her life with me, she could do so much better. I want the world for her, I want her to have the best life possible, and I know that's not with me. As much as it'd break my heart to not have her, I'd love to see her taken on nice holidays, and treated properly.

I'm sure she loves me, but also sure the goodness in her wants to try and save this wreck. No one beats cancer to then waste their life helping some fkr who blew theirs by choice.

It's getting tense, she can't understand it's not a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of wanting better for her. She thinks I'm what she wants, but I know me, and no one wants this!

I don't know what the fk to do.


I am 8 years younger than you are, and I may be more, less or as mature as you are. So take whatever I say with a grain of salt.


Usually when someone posts a story like you, "like she is too good for me.." etc etc.. I feel like the person has a narcissitic personality disorder or borderline personality, and in reality, they are lying to others and themselves. Deep down under they actually think they are the bomb, dont want to settle etc.

If thats the case just be honest with yourself man and stop the crap..


In case I am completely wrong, and such unconditional genuine feelings that you mentioned really do exist, and you are sure they are real, then I think she deserves you as much as you deserve her.
 
Only one thing that I would like to offer you-

You have not fucked your life, you are only 38- each day is a new start, as each day is a gift and therefore called the present.
 
I am going to go against the grain of what others are saying. If you are asking if you should ditch her or get married, you are not ready to get married. Also, you have some issues that need to be worked out that would effect any marriage. Getting married does not always change your ways. As a matter of fact, they usually stay with you. You should seek some counselling and work out your issues first, before marriage. That does not mean you can't have an on going relationship with her until you get these things resolved.

I agree with this as well, sounds like you two should be together but some unresolved issues need addressed first.helping someone through that is something to be proud of its not easy and shows great character
 
Yo pesty4077 on a side note how are you and your new Romanian bride doing if you don't mind me asking?
 

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