Beyond Confused! We broke up

[Sara]

Hello Everyone!
I am a super newbie first post.. woo hoo! I came across this site I guess by luck!!

I am in a terrible situation/place right now. I am just recently 30 I was dating someone for about a year (and trust me that's nothing compared to past long relationships) There are a few things about him that I am not fond of for one he LACKS big time in the sexual dept. He has ZERO sex drive, He is a very manipulative person, He has a HUGE ego problem and is immature. At the same time I love him and I have a blast with him!!! I quit smoking about 4 months ago and I have put on weight I am MISERABLE with myself and my body. I am a cute girl but I think I have body dismorphia, when I look in the mirror I see a gross ugly fat girl.. no clue why!!!! He doesn't exactly lift me and make me feel better. He sits on his computer and plays w/ his motorcycle stunting it out... All his friends and family memebers tell me I can do better and he treats me like crap........

Friday I broke up with him. He called me an ungreatful bitch I packed my stuff and just left.. there was no "its over" talk or real fight that went on I was living with him and I love him I am SO LOST right now!!!! I haven't been able to eat or sleep since Friday.... I want to call him so bad!! I talked to his sister inlaw and friends and the sis feels i need to call him! I just don't know what to do!!

The fear of being alone Im sure plays a HUGE roll in this... I wanna jump off a bridge this SUCKS soooo bad!!!!!

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Sara,
There is a staff member here that would be ideal for your scenerio. Her name is stongmind and she is doing her doctoral thesis on dysmorphia. Her advice is very insightful and she's very bright. Hopefully she'll see this post and make a reply for you. My only question for you is to whether you are anxious and miserable because you really do want to be wih him but cannot accept his shortcomings or are you anxious because you fear being alone?

You very obviously are experiencing post-relationship stress. I can tell you for a fact that people have survived being alone. For days even! Relax and take your time. Don't make any decisions based on your anxieties now but rather wait until you've settled down and then make a well thought out decision as to whether or not you want to be with this person.

Best wishes to you.

OTH

 

[strongmind]

Hello Everyone!
I am a super newbie first post.. woo hoo! I came across this site I guess by luck!!

I am in a terrible situation/place right now. I am just recently 30 I was dating someone for about a year (and trust me that's nothing compared to past long relationships) There are a few things about him that I am not fond of for one he LACKS big time in the sexual dept. He has ZERO sex drive, He is a very manipulative person, He has a HUGE ego problem and is immature. At the same time I love him and I have a blast with him!!! I quit smoking about 4 months ago and I have put on weight I am MISERABLE with myself and my body. I am a cute girl but I think I have body dismorphia, when I look in the mirror I see a gross ugly fat girl.. no clue why!!!! He doesn't exactly lift me and make me feel better. He sits on his computer and plays w/ his motorcycle stunting it out... All his friends and family memebers tell me I can do better and he treats me like crap........

Friday I broke up with him. He called me an ungreatful bitch I packed my stuff and just left.. there was no "its over" talk or real fight that went on I was living with him and I love him I am SO LOST right now!!!! I haven't been able to eat or sleep since Friday.... I want to call him so bad!! I talked to his sister inlaw and friends and the sis feels i need to call him! I just don't know what to do!!

The fear of being alone Im sure plays a HUGE roll in this... I wanna jump off a bridge this SUCKS soooo bad!!!!!

Hey Sara,

I'm glad you found us and welcome!

First of all, it doesn't sound to me like you're in a terrible situation right now. Let's see... you've ended a shitty relationship with a manipulative, immature guy who sucks in bed. Sounds like you're off to a pretty good start in making some good things happen in your life. Do not regret this decision. Yes, it may suck right now, but I guarantee IT WILL GET BETTER. Hang in there, girl.

I know you said you love him and had a blast with him... but sometime we can convince ourselves of those things simply because we think it's better than being alone. But, believe me, YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT SOMEONE LIKE THAT IN YOUR LIFE. Your friends are right. You can do better. You have to believe that you can and you have to believe that you DESERVE someone better.

And I think that's the bigger problem here. It sounds to me like you are suffering from some real low self-esteem right now. Break-ups are always hard, and feeling bad about yourself on top of it can make things seem pretty bleak. But don't do anything rash...

Use this as an opportunity to get to know yourself again and do some nice things for yourself. Start treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated and wished your ex had. And congratulations on quitting smoking!! That's an awesome accomplishment and a great start to getting your life back on track. If you're feeling not so good about your body, that's ok too. We've all been there, believe me. Time to set some goals for yourself. This board is a great source of motivation and advice for working out and dieting. IslandGirl in the girls section here is really knowledgable and really helpful and I'm sure she could answer all your questions about that. If you feel like you may need a little more help, like your body image is really shot... feel free to send me a PM and we can talk a little bit more in private. Like OTH mentioned, my specialization is in body image issues and eating disorders, so I may be able to recommend some good books or refer you to someone in your area.

You are on the right track here Sara. Just keep your head up and stay strong. It may suck for a little while, but just HOLD ON. It will get better.

Good luck,
Natalie

 

[Sara]

Thank you for the advice!

An update on my situation, I went to his house to "talk" he made me feel as if I should be begging him to take me back WTF! He told me I need to change my attitude and I'm always miserable and never happy he put all the blame on me. When I asked what he thought he could do to change and maybe improve our relationship he sat there looking around and came up with NOTHING!!!!

We decided to work things out. He needs space and I could use it too to work on myself I guess. I made him my everything and for the 5 days he was gone I had NOTHING. and I felt like NOTHING!

I think I am depressed and need some meds or somthing

 

[Got Juice]

Hey Sara, sorry to hear about the tought times you are going through.

You picked a great board to come share your situation with. The people in this forum are GREAT help and I have shared issues before and received some excellent feedback.

Real quick my opinion on this last post you made. You said he sat there with nothing to say like it was all your fault. In my opinion he doesn't evern think/know what he needs to work on. At this point he will continue to treat you the same if he doesn't realize what his faults are.

I really hope things work out for you either way.

Good luck,

 

[strongmind]

Thank you for the advice!

An update on my situation, I went to his house to "talk" he made me feel as if I should be begging him to take me back WTF! He told me I need to change my attitude and I'm always miserable and never happy he put all the blame on me. When I asked what he thought he could do to change and maybe improve our relationship he sat there looking around and came up with NOTHING!!!!

We decided to work things out. He needs space and I could use it too to work on myself I guess. I made him my everything and for the 5 days he was gone I had NOTHING. and I felt like NOTHING!

I think I am depressed and need some meds or somthing

Hey Sara,

I hope you're doing ok. Did you get my PM? I never heard back from you...

The other piece of advice I would give you is to go back and reread what you wrote. What might you say to a friend in that same situation?

Hope that helps. Keep us posted.

Natalie