.gif "IP Gear")
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2009
- Messages
- 247
That is part of it but different context. I am apprehensive of the unknown and worried I will screw up. But not my own life but my daughters. I have had sole custody since she was 4 months. She is now 12.
I knew the first night I had her (at 4 months old). I had to be the mom and the dad. And even then, I felt unbelievable lonely.
Around age 4, I stated learning from women. Paterneralism is in their nature. You can noticed when observing how women interact with kids. I watch and mimicked in my own way.
I also started to notice that when women I was dating (the very few I was able to) would start to help me care for her, they sunk a hook deeper than imaginable.
That being said, I dont look at women to help me take of my child. When I meet single mothers looking for a man to accept her a package deal - I tend to view them in contempt.
So I always held my own quite well. At least for man. My daughter tells her friends she didn’t have a mom, that she came out of daddy’s belly.
But she became attached to my ex and I to her boys. It was only recently I had to tell my daughter to change her screen saver on her cell phone which was a picture of my ex. It killed me to tell her that because my ex is now pregnant and engaged. Life really beats the shit out of you sometimes. That being said, I didn’t just miss her but I missed her boys. Her boys would run to me like starving children, meaning their dad wasn’t filling the “father” space in them. I won’t get into how most single parents say the other parent is a piece of shit. I am only saying how their relationship was with me. At first I was the enemy, then after a couple of years, even after a couple of years, I always felt a little awkward when they would hug my and tell me they loved me. And referred to me as their step-dad. I am pretty good when it came to parenting. I had a lot of practice. Like I said, I wasn’t trying to fill that space, it just sort of happened. And it was a lot easier with them then my daughter, mostly because they were boys.
So yeah, the unknown future is worrisome. But the crippling depression has soul-draining.
But as little-slice wisely said, “JUST DO IT, YOU MISERABLE FUCK!” Reminded me of the importance of commandments. Moral imperatives, maxims, mitzvots or whatever you want to call it. Beliefs that are “Living Attitudes” that require an action no matter what the present situation may be and/or how miserable or damaged I may be.
