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I have hit a wall

brownbanana

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I am so close to accomplishing a goal. A goal I have suffered and bled for. All I have to do is write 3 papers and study some German. And I will have a B.A. in philosophy, a B.A. in history and a minor in psychology. 6 weeks away.

I can't seem to get myself to engage. I am really concerned. I find it to be the strangest thing.

I don't even know what the hell I am doing sharing it on here.

Perhaps I fear change. But change is what I need. And I have been able to change alot as this date gets closer.

Either I have some sort of self-defeating complex or a self-preserving complex.

I am genuinely lost and confused about this. That I can say genuinely.
 

trenblown

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Are you dreading the work of writing those papers and studying? I can relate to what you are feeling. I get like that sometimes with my work. Usually it's because I'm dreading what needs to be done because it's a grueling and time consuming task.

What works for me is I don't focus on EVERYTHING that needs to get done, I break it up into small chunks. Get one chunk done, take a break, repeat. I use the "pomodoro technique" (google it) if that sounds like it might help.
 

brownbanana

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Are you dreading the work of writing those papers and studying? I can relate to what you are feeling. I get like that sometimes with my work. Usually it's because I'm dreading what needs to be done because it's a grueling and time consuming task.

What works for me is I don't focus on EVERYTHING that needs to get done, I break it up into small chunks. Get one chunk done, take a break, repeat. I use the "pomodoro technique" (google it) if that sounds like it might help.

Now that you mention it, I can't even see the chunks. I am going to break it down and see if I can get the ball rolling.

I do believe that is part of it.

I also feel like I am just choking.

I have gotten out of situations like this in the past. I once wrote a 17 page paper in 3 days. No plagiarism, not half-assed, 2-3 hour naps every 10 hours of work. Granted, I was well read on the subject.

Now that I write this out I realize I have done this more than a few times.

I just need to find a way to stop "thinking" and just do it.

Thanks Trenblown, I was feeling crazy, wondering if I was losing it. I will try "pomodoro technique".
 

tripleOT

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You are overwhelmed at the task you have ahead of you. Which causes confusion and frustration. I know that feel.

Essentially, you are procrastinating something that needs to be done. Keep the end result in mind, your accomplishments from doing so.

Head up, chin forward. You got this bro.
 

NGL34

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Well with 2 liberal art degrees there's not going to be much money to be had without grad school in your future. So if it's tough now, you better really buckle up.
 

brownbanana

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Well with 2 liberal art degrees there's not going to be much money to be had without grad school in your future. So if it's tough now, you better really buckle up.

Don't kid yourself bro. Philosophy is right up there with physics and mathematics. I can do damn near anything I want with a philosophy degree.

But I really don't want to get into a pissing contest with you. But you are speaking from ignorance.

I won't judge a person's intelligence upon if they have a degree or not. Nor what they study. That I have realized is the big load of shit I see in this society. I only say this because I am not going to let your remark slide but I have to define what I mean at the same time. That being said, even blue collar looks for advantages to treat others with contempt. Everyone is looking for an edge to see themselves as Superior to others. I suppose this has something to do with human nature.

Some members have been extrodianary helpful. They are right. I was overwhelmed but I couldn't see it. Some people have ideas about others. So they don't hear what they are saying. Unfortunately I have some people like that in my life. I am glad I came here and expressed the difficulty I am experiencing at the moment. And I am very appreciative of the responses I got. They didn't speak with a idea about me. I didn't know what to expect. But I was in a whirl of confusion. Hearing others could relate grounded me. Thanks Trenblown, and TripleOT. And I am going to assume little slice means cleaning can have a positive effect upon the psyche, such as, order. If so, thank you.
 
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maldorf

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I think you might be scared

Maybe you are scared of what you are going to do with yourself once you do graduate. Right now you are in college full time and that is your world, but that is all going to end now. You are faced with going out into the world and finding a career. Liberal arts degrees can be scary stuff. I graduated with a degree in Biology and didn't know exactly what to do with it. Maybe you are subconsciously afraid to graduate because of this. Do you have an idea what you want to do with your degree? Maybe put off the workplace longer by going on and earning a masters or a PHD? I have a cousin that earned his masters and PhD from Yale and he is unemployed now. The workplace can be hard to adapt to.
 

brownbanana

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Maybe you are scared of what you are going to do with yourself once you do graduate. Right now you are in college full time and that is your world, but that is all going to end now. You are faced with going out into the world and finding a career. Liberal arts degrees can be scary stuff. I graduated with a degree in Biology and didn't know exactly what to do with it. Maybe you are subconsciously afraid to graduate because of this. Do you have an idea what you want to do with your degree? Maybe put off the workplace longer by going on and earning a masters or a PHD? I have a cousin that earned his masters and PhD from Yale and he is unemployed now. The workplace can be hard to adapt to.

It's the loss of a goal that fucked me up. School was a means and I was grinding though it. Quite well too since I was free from the anxiety of mastering important scholarly skills such as writing. I wanted to be a infantry officer. So i choose what interests me. We perform better when we enjoy the means. I also found those particularly fields of study to support each other in a uniquely subjective way (how I viewed myself, others and the world). What I believe was necessary for me to acquire (for myself at least) to be a Good infantry officer. I got in trouble drinking and driving. Although the DA found my studies in combination with my work (being a firefighter) to serve and helping others interesting. I don't know what else to say than interesting. I was double the legal limit. But the charges were dropped. But being on deferred judgement was stressful and other shit in my life started to fall apart. You know how it is. Sometimes life falls apart all at once. I have been in a rut for two years. Barely able to pass a couple of credits. That is also what is driving me crazy. I can write and I am good at research (history) and philosophy at its core is really a field of "thinking" so to speak. It's not like other fields with a specific scope of knowledge. Philosophy is tricky to define. But let's just say it sharpens the mind.

I just haven't been able to finish what I start.

Personally I am viewing the dark days of the past couple of years as a growth.

I also lost the women I love. For a couple of years, I lost "meaning".

I became pessimistic, apathetic, and selfish.

I put all my studies on hold about 6 weeks ago. Applied all my energy to externalizing my thoughts and processed some very primitive emotions. I filled up over 11 notebooks of just personal reflection.

I am actually pretty good now. I still get confused about "the past" and "the present" sometimes. That and I question myself alot. So it's a start and stop process.
 
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brownbanana

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Majority of people view higher education as a hurdle to acquiring a job. And let's be honest, a car and a house. Their eyes and heart are attached to the diploma. A certificate, if you will. And they learn very little. They only take it seriously in so far as what they can get out of it. Whatever looks good on a resume. And that goes for a name as well. A PhD from Yale is no smarter than a PhD from A&M.
 
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maldorf

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Majority of people view higher education as a hurdle to acquiring a job. And let's be honest, a car and a house. Their eyes and heart are attached to the diploma. A certificate, if you will. And they learn very little. They only take it seriously in so far as what they can get out of it. Whatever looks good on a resume. And that goes for a name as well. A PhD from Yale is no smarter than a PhD from A&M.

Well, you had a goal of being an officer so that is great. You knew where you wanted to end up eventually. Do you still feel the same way, or are you starting to have doubts? That could be part of the problem maybe.

Sounds like you knew where you were heading and still do but ended up getting depressed with your girlfriend leaving you etc. I know from experience that it is near impossible to study if you are depressed and unhappy.

Back in 1994 I was going through a divorce and very depressed. It all happened when I was starting my first year studying for a Masters in Exercise Physiology and the course load was very demanding. Toughest course I had was Gross Anatomy at their medical school. The program required we earn at least a B, 3.0, in all of our classes since I was there on an assistantship teaching a lab course in anatomy. Tuition was free for me and I was paid about $800 a month or so. I was so depressed that I ended up drinking a lot in the bars, it was a school where the undergrads party a lot, and didn't study like I should. I earned two Cs back to back and they booted me from the program. First time I have ever failed like that. Sounds similar to you. My wife had an affair on me and I was really torn up about it, blamed myself etc.

I hope you can recover and put your nose back to the grindstone. Sometimes things work out for the better. I ended up going back to school and earned a masters in education then taught high school bio and chem. You will find your way. Be careful not to try and find another woman to take her place and end up relying on her too much. Better if you do it on your own I think and just date casual until you are done with your degree.
 

brownbanana

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It's depression. I still want to but it's difficult to not focus on all the negatives

Right now, as in today, I am good. I noticed that once I go to sleep, I wake up confused and have to push again. Like the myth of Sisyphus. To push a bolder up a hill and once he almost reaches the top, the bolder rolls back down.

High level thinking at his point only comes in short bursts. Prefontral cortex takes a heavy blow during depression. That or i am just muddled in so many emotions it's difficult to think clear

Kratom has helped significantly. But has its own downsides. I am pushing it with my ADHD meds as well (I got those before I got severely depressed). I know my health is taking a toll as I push though this. In less than a month, I can graduate with my history. Next December I can complete my philosophy (the more prized degree).

I agree about a woman. I recognized that quickly. That I would end up in a similar boat if I was just trying to fill an empty space. Plus, I felt it would be unfair for someone to have to deal with so much damage that someone else has caused. I also tend to isolate myself because depression and fear are contiguous, and I don't want to put that on someone else.

I have realized today that I can't turn a blind eye towards my pain and just muscle though it. Not with this since intellectual functioning is so impaired.

I did some research on studying while depressed. Ran across pomodoro technique, as someone mentioned before.

Thank you for comment maldorf. My ex was like a wife to me. In the sense of how I integrated her into myself and my life. While it is unfortunate you had to go through that. I am thankful you shared it with me. It has given me some perspective of my situation.
 
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maldorf

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I have realized today that I can't turn a blind eye towards my pain and just muscle though it. Not with this since intellectual functioning is so impaired.

That is what I tried to do, push through it. I really didn't have a choice though since I was there doing my master's degree on an assistantship and they were relying on me to teach the lab class. If I left I would lose everything and they wouldn't take me back. I had to push on. I tried but it wasn't enough. I found myself constantly thinking about her while I was trying to study so that even if I spent a good amount of time it wasn't anywhere near optimal. I don't think I stood a chance.
 

brownbanana

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Anybody ever figure out how to study depressed?

I just remembered today that is why I am having difficulty writing. I forget that I am depressed. I just start to assume other things as i try to get assignments done. Kratom helps with cleaning and moving in general. Basic functions, basic tasks. Which is good. I do have to admit. But study wise, it’s a fifty fifty shot. And hasn’t been working lately.

I can’t take anti-depressants. In combination with addy it will be an instant disqualification.

Kratom has worked. Obviously it is inconsistent. Once the semester is over I can attend to it in ways that will make a changes that won’t neeed meds.
 

little slice

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i really wish I could help you dude..


but my entire life, whenever I had a problem, I was always told to 'just figure it out'.



my father: 'just do it...seriously.. JUST DO IT


my teachers: 'It's not going to figure itself out'


my first boss "JUST DO IT, YOU MISERABLE FUCK!!"
 

brownbanana

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i really wish I could help you dude..


but my entire life, whenever I had a problem, I was always told to 'just figure it out'.



my father: 'just do it...seriously.. JUST DO IT


my teachers: 'It's not going to figure itself out'


my first boss "JUST DO IT, YOU MISERABLE FUCK!!"

I was always told “suffer in silence”. Obviously I am breaking that commandment. But thanks, I actually hear what you are saying.
 

ferraribrad

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This was a ways back now but I still remember being very close to getting my engineering degree and almost sabotaging myself.
Looking back years later, I think I was scared of the unknown of the next chapter, what life looked like with a career and bills and leaving campus life.

People are very habitual and scared of change. It's ok dude you'll get through this and succeed
 

brownbanana

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This was a ways back now but I still remember being very close to getting my engineering degree and almost sabotaging myself.
Looking back years later, I think I was scared of the unknown of the next chapter, what life looked like with a career and bills and leaving campus life.

People are very habitual and scared of change. It's ok dude you'll get through this and succeed

I would take a hundred lashings a day for the next three years to avoid the pain of the last three years. And I mean that.
 

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