MY GIRLFRIEND BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN ME

scrapper13 · Feb 16, 2010

i need help guys my girlfriend who ive been dating for the past 13 months brings out a part of me that ive never seen in any of my other relationships. ive always had a temper but she is also a hot head and it has gotten to the point where there are a few times when i have to use every ounce of strength in my body not to get physically violent. now for the recored i have never laid a hand on a girl EVER. now she has had bad past experiences with men(a previous abusive relationship as well as a father who is just a horrible human being) and because of this has a problem with a man telling her what to do. when i say tell her what to do i mean even when it comes to suggesting something she gets very snappy. when times are good im the happiest ive ever been but im having trouble differentiating between whether its something we can work through or maybe its a case of we love each other but its just not meant to be. again i have never hit her and i treat her well so please only positive feedback

DrivingForward · Feb 16, 2010

Hey Brother,

I've seen this type of situation happen to several guys. They all ended negatively.. some less than others. A couple of times, I had friends who just snapped once and it turned violent (typically with some violent prodding or threats from their lady), these were guys I'd known a very long time, and with no history of violence against their partners.
Right, Wrong, or Indifferent; you don't want to be in this situation when it goes badly. If its escalating towards violence (in either direction), its time to find a new chick.

It sucks, its inconvenient, you lose your sex on demand, and nostalgia for the good times is particularly difficult... But this girl is leading you on a path towards disaster. Cut her off before its the end of your reputation, freedom, and career.

One more thing I want to mention-- Girls who have been abused by male figures in the past (fathers, brothers, etc) are particularly hard to have a relationship with. Their view of men is colored, they have bizarre sexual issues (the bad kind... not the good kind), and they are subject to random "freak outs" whenever something triggers a semi-repressed memory.
I'm speaking from experience dating 2 of them.. never again.

scrapper13 · Feb 16, 2010

DrivingForward said:
Hey Brother,

I've seen this type of situation happen to several guys. They all ended negatively.. some less than others. A couple of times, I had friends who just snapped once and it turned violent (typically with some violent prodding or threats from their lady), these were guys I'd known a very long time, and with no history of violence against their partners.
Right, Wrong, or Indifferent; you don't want to be in this situation when it goes badly. If its escalating towards violence (in either direction), its time to find a new chick.

It sucks, its inconvenient, you lose your sex on demand, and nostalgia for the good times is particularly difficult... But this girl is leading you on a path towards disaster. Cut her off before its the end of your reputation, freedom, and career.

One more thing I want to mention-- Girls who have been abused by male figures in the past (fathers, brothers, etc) are particularly hard to have a relationship with. Their view of men is colored, they have bizarre sexual issues (the bad kind... not the good kind), and they are subject to random "freak outs" whenever something triggers a semi-repressed memory.
I'm speaking from experience dating 2 of them.. never again.

thank you for your advice brother. in the back of my mind i think i know i have to end it, but its just so hard i care so much about her. we both want the same things and are at the same stage of our lives, which has made me hold on longer than i probably should have. im physically sick from thinking about this lately

Designbuilt · Feb 16, 2010

I have to agree with everything thing said above. I've been in the same situation twice as well. It's tough, one girl who was my first love. I know this because I still have feelings for her and this was more than 12 years ago and after 10 years of marriage and about 3 other relationships.

Anway, she had a history of being abused and I always kept my cool around her no matter what, even if she tried to make me jealous, I would never give any reaction what-so-ever. One day I did lose my temper and threw something against the wall, she told me that I really turned her on at that point and that she loved to see me get angry. Needless to say this girl had a ton of issues and I went through a lot of bad things, also some very good things and some great times. (that's one of the reasons that I still think about her). But it was for the best, this girl had a lot of self-destructive tendencies, she tried to scrape off a small tattoo that she had on her wrist, she jumped out of our 2 story window of our apartment one time I went to the gym. Later when we broke up we became friends and even dated another month until we decided to end it for good. We both learned a lot from eachother.

Do it for your own good, I really don't think that it will get any better, because she most likely has very deeply rooted feelings that are programed into her. What's the best case scenerio? She will continue to push you around and will likely get more used to it and you will be the one getting abused.

Worst case, you get physical and either end up in jail or in a relationship that keeps going back and forth, where you keep abusing eachother that will be hell.

DrivingForward · Feb 16, 2010

Its tough. People stick around long after they should for several reasons. For myself, it was typically good sex, a sense of bonding, and a "never say quit" attitude that wouldn't let me extract myself from an unhealthy situation early.

Hearing that probably doesn't help the way you feel, but you might be able to relate. Hard times call for hard decisions. You will come through this, but the damage you sustain will be directly linked to how quick/clean you can make the break.

Try to feel better! Don't let yourself focus on the depression!

scrapper13 · Feb 16, 2010

i relate to that a lot when you talk about the never say quit attitude...just like every other area of my life i hate giving up, its just against everything i believe in

tolanty · Feb 16, 2010

It sounds like my previous relashionship. You don t actually know if the ex was abusive or not. Some girls just don t apreciate the right person until they are gone. Then they start comparing. Bottom line is focus on you bro. stay positive cause a positive energy always takes over the negative one. If you are meant to be together you will if not GOD always has something better for you. they are bout 3,301,112,087 females in the world so don t worry. Peace

Hayabusa · Feb 20, 2010

Agreed. I am married to one, awaiting the divorce. Your marriage will end in issues. Some men accept it if women are like that, but if you are not one of that men, get out. There is no future in that. If you are married, multiply it by six or seven and you can bet your ass sex will disappear after the ring...Marriage is all about a “partner” and you do not have a partner(not that you are married, but that is your aim one day, not so?), you have someone to argue with.

triathloncoach · Feb 20, 2010

My experience

Some women (and men) only feel comfortable in chaotic situations. Are you one of those? Sounds like she is. You can thank her Dad.

Here's what could happen: it happened to me with a girl I was living with. She'll get violent, I'd spar and laugh and not hit back. That happened again and again. Once she kicked me square in the shin with her boots on. I may have had a tear in my eye from the pain. I grabbed her and threw her to the ground to make her stop. Her head missed the corner of my fireplace by less than six inches. I'd probably just be getting out of prison if I wasn't so lucky that her head missed that sharp stone corner.

You're gonna end up in a bad place. Don't say you never quit. She's a drug addiction that if you were really strong you'd quit this minute. It took me several years to quit her. Several terrible years. Don't make my mistake. 15 years later it still baffles me that: 1) I stayed as long as I did 2) Nothing tragic happened

dukebrown · Feb 20, 2010

Damn Scapper this sounds like my wife, we have only been married now 10months but some wire in her just got crossed 2 months after getting married. I have never been an angry guy but this damn woman does not want to do anything that she does not come up on her own accord. She is a slob in the house, never gives recconition to others, never admits when she is wrong. She twists everything to make a negative comment about things. She is the type that would win the PGA Tournament and when asked. "how does it feel that you won" she would reply with, "well I was behind on hole 3 and I really was not liking how my pants are fitting today" RRR WTF!
I am glad you wrote this, it helps me a bit.
She has another 6months to get her shit together, which I am trying to help her, or she is out.

marilyn · Feb 20, 2010

hope it works out for you...It doesnt sound good right now..too tense..can you guys get some space?..sometimes a bit of time apart may help......or a weekend away from it all.

maldorf · Feb 21, 2010

Have you two ever sat down and lay it all out on the table? Tell her how much you like certain things about her and then let her know about the things that really get to you? Wondering if she has done the same with you. Does she know how much you are thinking about leaving you? Maybe if she understood exactly how unhappy you are and that you might leave, she might try to change her behaivor. My wife can have quite a short fuse sometimes and taking prozac helps quite a bit. There is always meds to try as a last resort. the meds help my wife, that I can attest to.
I dont think you should throw it all away yet, not unless you have tried several things to turn the tide first. It sounds like you really do love her, and she you. Something has to change soon though, or its just going to get worse. Some real good posts on this thread from those that have lived it.

scrapper13 · Feb 21, 2010

she goes to a therapist weekly which began about 6 months ago after i discovered that she had an eating disorder. i found out that she had been purging after meals for 5 years. so i found a therapist who specialized in this area and had her call him. the eating disorder definitely comes from her poor sense of self worth. i have gone with her on several occasions because both her and the doc thought it would be helpful. even in his office she gets very agitated when it comes to my constructive criticism... since she began the therapy 6 months ago she has only purged 3 times(compared to one or two times a day before) so it has without a doubt helped. on the other hand her not being able to do that takes away the way she has dealt with stress for years. i love the girl to death but we need to be able to communicate without it always escalating into an argument

maldorf · Feb 21, 2010

scrapper13 said:
she goes to a therapist weekly which began about 6 months ago after i discovered that she had an eating disorder. i found out that she had been purging after meals for 5 years. so i found a therapist who specialized in this area and had her call him. the eating disorder definitely comes from her poor sense of self worth. i have gone with her on several occasions because both her and the doc thought it would be helpful. even in his office she gets very agitated when it comes to my constructive criticism... since she began the therapy 6 months ago she has only purged 3 times(compared to one or two times a day before) so it has without a doubt helped. on the other hand her not being able to do that takes away the way she has dealt with stress for years. i love the girl to death but we need to be able to communicate without it always escalating into an argument

One of the tough things about a relationship like this is the fact that you probably are almost scared what will happen to her if you leave her? Worried that she might go down hill fast and even hurt herself? Ive been with a girl like that. You care about her and dont want anything bad to happen to her.

hawkmoon · Feb 21, 2010

I don't want to be negative for no reason...but move on.

Some will think I am cold for saying this, but from my experience things will only get worse. I also hated quitting, but in the end I had no choice...

I was married to the love of my life for 14 years. I spent everyday with her and loved her to no end. Unfortunately she had a host of issues she would either not treat seriously or at all, a raging temper was one of them.
This all built up to a personality meltdown that ruined the marriage and family. After 14 years I can look back and see warning signs all over the place, but even if I could go back in time I would not listen to my future self because I loved her so much. We all want to be good people and to care for those we love.

Take a close look at this girl, and get her to take a close look at herself. Find out why she has the issues she does, not just the symptoms. If she won't address them now, she won't later and you will be in a world of pain.

Amazon Doll · Feb 21, 2010

Is it really worth all this work?

Find someone who brings out the BEST in you!

Life is too short!

Love is great but crazy love is a life in hell with a glass of ice water once a day.

icecap · Feb 21, 2010

Bro, you have only been with her 13 months and fighting that bad, fuckin leave now bro, your just in love with the taco my friend, it will only get worse and out of control, give her some nolvadex her fuckin estro is too high. lol bro