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Nothing left for me in this world

RLara85

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I don't post here often but there seems to be some smart folks around here so I figured it was a good place to vent. My story is a bit long, I'll try to keep it as short as possible:

Back in 2005 I witnessed my step-dad nearly die in a really gruesome accident, the day after I started having horrible panic attacks which have continued five years later. This isn't your regular anxiety.... this is full-blown vertigo/passing out/vomiting/derealization to the point where it makes me almost unable to function at times.

Been in therapy for most of the five years (everytime from CBT to hypnosis to the more occult stuff), I've had every SSRI and MAOI thrown at me, I've had seizure meds, benzodiazapenes (which work as a nice band-aid, but thats it).... you name it, I've taken it, and they have zero effect on me. Doctors are baffled and basically say they have no idea where to turn.

Long story short, I'm screwed. I've been in three relationships since I had this and ruined them all, since I can barely ever leave the house to social events which is obviously a big problem for most people. For this same reason I alienated most of my friends. You have to understand, I can't just be popping Xanax daily, the tolerance ruins it quickly so I have to save it for one a week or so.

Let's cut to the chase, I'm serving no purpose to society.... I can't work, or can't find anyone that would let me work from home (I do have a college degree and am bi-lingual, but working from home seems to be a no-no), I certainly am draining society by living off SSI and such. Every relationship I come near I eventually destroy and leave the other person in a lot of pain. I have no close family here.

I'm fed up, sometimes I wonder what my options are. Death? Becoming a monk (not joking)? Loading myself up on gear and seeing how far I can take bodybuilding just for the sake of doing it... at least live out one crazy dream in my life? Become a vagabond and just roam around?

I'm very serious, when things go wrong the usual advice is "well just go hang out with your friends or go to a club and you'll feel better"..... but what do you do when you are too disabled to participate in that or too maintain close relationships? Seems like my only road is to walk alone and just do something for myself without regard for anyone.

You guys are wiser than me so I'm open ears

P.S. before anyone asks how I get to the gym, I don't, I managed to build a great one at home over the years so I can work out at my own schedule when I'm feeling ok.... if I feel sick, I can just go lie down for a few min
 

RLara85

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One more thing, I probably sound very depressed... I'm not, I'm actually quite lucky.... my uncle was mugged and left paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life, I think of situations like that and I know I shouldn't be complaining.

But it does become a lonely road when it's just you and I am trying to be somewhat realistic about my true options without sugar-coating anything.
 

jay_dub

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This has helped me tremendously by changing my way of thinking. With an open mind, I encourage you to read the book "The Power of Positive Thinking". It gives you tips on how to change your subconscious mind and ways to overcome your negative thoughts.

If you think and believe the worst, what do you think you'll get? Change your ways to thinking positive in every situation (which WILL take a lot of work), and what do you think will start coming your way?

The mind is such a powerful tool.

I also recommend the book "In Step with God". These two books have honestly changed my life for the better and given me a new outlook on life.

Don't ever give up hope. There is a purpose for everyone out there, no matter the circumstances.
 

J_Diggs

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Hey man, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you're in a pretty deep place right now. I'm just going to spew a fews things out to see what sticks because at this point you sound like you're just looking for options; so here you go.

First, are you a religious or spiritual person? Do you ever pray to God for healing? Faith can be an amazing thing. The mind too, whether you're spiritual or not, can also do amazing things. Don't give up in this area if you have already tried. Meditation might be a good thing to help relax you.

Second, have you tried anything more natural for your anxiety such as a double-dose of L-Theanine a couple times a day? That combined with Omega 3 fish oil can tackle some pretty bad anxiety for some folks. I realize your case sounds a bit more extreme but it could at least alleviate some of it.

Lastly, as for a job, there are a lot of companies out there that are always in need of bilinqual employees. For example, the ATT&T language line is HUGE for corporations around the world. Example: You have an employee at a credit card company that needs to verify some information with the customer, although the customer only speaks Spanish or Mandarin Chinese. The employee calls the AT&T language line, connects to you (at home), and you simply translate for them. That's it. There are a lot of jobs like this out there and they ALWAYS need folks. Your college degree should move you up in the pecking order too.

I truly wish you the best. And death is never the answer. There is always hope. Take care.
 

RLara85

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Thank you for the kind words, they are greatly appreciated.

While I am not a religious person I've always found religious texts to contain a lot of positive messages so I'm always happy to hear them.

Recently had a break-up and of course I'm hurting, but when it comes down to it I look at my last three relationships, at my friendships from college.... I ended up either hurting or alienating all these people because right now I'm just not in an "ok" state. And ego aside, I do take the blame. How would you guys feel if your best friend or significant other would always cancel on you or could never make time to be with you, maybe seeing your g/f once a month when you are minutes apart? I can understand why all these people ended up hurt.

I'm not in a position where I can go and hang out with people, I feel too sick most of the time... also feel terribly bad when I do get close to someone and I just end up eventually bringing them down with me, nobody deserves that.

I am in talks with various psychiatrists right now, trying even more meds at higher doses.... basically a crapshoot at this point (unfortunately the natural stuff does nothing for me). I'm hopeful, but in the meantime it feels like I just have to walk this path alone as to not hurt anyone else.

It's a sad feeling knowing there's a possibility this could potentially be how the rest of my life plays out
 

renewlyf

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Maybe you need something not of this world....

I don't want to make this about me. I will just tell you that I was once in a hopeless state where I wanted to take my life. I could no longer take living the way I was. I was addicted to a host of drugs ie..cocaine, alcohol, pain medication, benzo's etc.. All day and all night for years. I tried everything (like you) Dr.s, rehabs (5), anti-depresants, religion*, hypnosis....... you name it I tried it! It came down to one moment at 3 am, I couldn't sleep and was walking the streets looking for a bus to step infront of (seriously). That was going to be my solution. I started praying (to something I didn't understand) but was desperate for something. At that moment all I could do was pray that the obsession to kill myself stop. It did and I realized at that moment maybe there is something greater. I had been exposed to the 12 step program in rehab but never gave it much thought. So I started down this path of being willing to believe in something greater. It has been sometime since I had a drink/drug or had any desire. It isn't about religion it's about a spititual connection to a power greater than ourselves. I'm praying for you and if you want to talk more let me know.
There is HOPE!
 

zaven

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Bro a lot of people have been through very severe issues throughout life....Your not the only one.

You can either let it take control of your life and win, or you can work on getting your life back and quit saying..."I can't this and I can't that"....and start saying. Well maybe I can if I just TRY and WANT it hard enough.

"CAN'T NEVER COULD"
 
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RLara85

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Thanks, pretty deep stuff there.

I'm not one to pray, though I do find a lot of comfort in meditation.

I think the toughest part is that by and large I have to keep my distance from people, people tend to get attached to me in whatever way and then seem hurt/disappointed when I pull away (not by choice, but by circumstance)... and it's really not my intent to do this to anyone. I do see their point though, from an outside perspective it's probably near impossible to grasp what I've been dealing with these past few years so it's easy for most people to think i'm either a liar or an arrogant a-hole that is using them.

It's most tough considering I used to be one of the more out-going guys back before I got sick and now I feel like a cancer that will spread if I get to know anyone. Thank goodness for the weights though, when I'm doing that, every problem goes away.... and I'm no big deal in this game yet but I hope eventually I can serve as some sort of inspiration for someone that wants to get into this sport but has an illness, that is one of the things that does keep me going.
 

tri-terror

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Bro there is nothing wrong with being a loner. I get that you don't like the idea of avoiding people right now, but maybe that's what you should do. I can't say anything about your anxiety and all that, because I just don't know anything, but maybe you could make some progress by focusing on yourself for a while and see if you can get "better".

Don't try and get into anymore relationships and work on you. Definately try to get a job because that can take your mind off things. That call center thing sounds like a reasonable option. What is your degree in, maybe there are work from home jobs out there or maybe postions where you don't have to be around a ton of people?

Definately keep pursuing bodybuilding. I mean shit you do it alone, and you can work out frustration and whatever other negative energys you have and turn it into something positive.
 

triathloncoach

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Volunteer

Go to animal shelter. Visit a hospice. Meals on wheels. You are a bi lingual college graduate. Do some volunteer tutoring. Start slow with the number of hours. Before you know it you'll be adding more to society than the vast majority of folks. Give your time and energy to people who need your help. I'd wager it would help your state of mind as well.

"and in the end, the love we take, is equal to the love we make"

Suicide - a long term solution to a short-term problem
 

RLara85

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Thanks, hearing all this stuff does help. I love the animal shelter, I love animals in general.... just a while ago I was playing with my new puppy, can't help but smile around dogs.

While I do crave my old out-going ways, I suppose focusing on myself for a while may not be such a terrible thing, just a matter of getting used to it. In 2006 I took on full-time school, full-time work, and an internship and a relationship and friends, plus the gym, all while suffering from this.... needless to say I ended up completely burned out in about a year and even more sick, I should probably learn from that.
 

tri-terror

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I don't know if you have any money or not, but if you can come up with some extra scratch buy some(any) of Henry Rollins books. If you don't know who he is he is the lead singer from Black Flag, Rollins Band, and does spoken word performances, and some acting, and writes books based on his tours and experiences.

He's a really intense dude who despite being very succesful by entertaining and being around people is always happiest when he's alone. He actually most likely has some sort of social panic disorder that he is able to over come. I'm reading one right now called A Dull Roar. It is basically journal entries from 2006 when he got his band back together for a tour and worked on a movie. He tells really good stories, has awesome quotes and I think that this book for sure has some stuff you may be able to be inspired by. It was like 15 bux at Borders and you could probably get it dirt cheap used or on Amazon.
 

RLara85

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I'll check it out, I've heard a few short interviews with Rollins and he always seemed like a really interesting guy, definitely wouldn't mind reading some of his stuff.
 

JUISEBOY

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I don't know if you have any money or not, but if you can come up with some extra scratch buy some(any) of Henry Rollins books. If you don't know who he is he is the lead singer from Black Flag, Rollins Band, and does spoken word performances, and some acting, and writes books based on his tours and experiences.

He's a really intense dude who despite being very succesful by entertaining and being around people is always happiest when he's alone. He actually most likely has some sort of social panic disorder that he is able to over come. I'm reading one right now called A Dull Roar. It is basically journal entries from 2006 when he got his band back together for a tour and worked on a movie. He tells really good stories, has awesome quotes and I think that this book for sure has some stuff you may be able to be inspired by. It was like 15 bux at Borders and you could probably get it dirt cheap used or on Amazon.
I am a huge fan of his music and really enjoy his spoken words and books. I think a lot like him. Just saw him recently. His work can sometimes be considered a shade of dark but honestly I like to deal with the world's reality and not the sugar-coating that life tries to feed us...
 

mexbeast

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the only thing i could add is that you are the master of your mind! you control your thoughts, if you can remember this plus all the other helpful advise, you can get on the road to a better life. suicide will greatly hurt all those who know you and devastate those who love you, i believe there has to be some one who loves you. i tried to commit suicide so i kind of know about that. as for relationships if you start to talk to someone communicate with that person and don't be afraid/embarrassed to tell them about your condition, and if they are meant to be your friends they will understand, then when you think you are going to get sick let them know and tell them you will call when you are ok! best of luck and remember you have us here ready to listen when you need to talk!!!!
 

RippedTight

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I personally wouldn't want to go into a relationship with a woman knowing that I wouldn't be able to be there for her for whatever reason. You should be your only focus right now, relationships will come later, once you are able to find mental clarity & figure out how to get through & over your own issues. You cannot give to others what you are having trouble giving to yourself. I would strongly suggest professional counseling. They are trained in giving you mechanisms for coping & will have tools to use when you are having "bad days." The best thing they do is help you keep it real with yourself. Finally, I do believe we control our own lives. You can choose to have these feelings for the rest of your life which I believe would only be sabotaging yourself, or you can choose to find a way to have peace in your life. Only you know what makes you feel good & what works for you. I hope this helps.
 

oldfella

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may I add to this? Instead of focusing on what you can't or aren't doing how about looking at what you can do!! You have skills! You speak two languages. You built a home gym. You have a college education. You are healthy and strong (Assumption). You have many talents and skills that are very noteworthy. You my friend are far from a useless person to society. There are options out there for you, you just have not or are not looking in all the right places. Turn over every rock and you will find something different. Use the talents you have bro. Turn around your way of thinking. it is easy to let negative over-run your life. Positive takes work, thought and progressive steps in that direction. get around positive people, volunteer work will get you in that crowd. Helping others not as fortunate is a very POSITIVE and rewarding path. That alone will change your way of thinking. SO get your head out of the sand, go out and mix it up with people helping people. I mean this is the nicest possible way too!! Good luck bro, you wil be just fine.
 

JUISEBOY

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Oldfella is right. I never felt in a better place & more rewarded in life then when I volunteered. I was a member of a Rotary group in NY & it was one of the best investments in myself I made.
 

RLara85

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Thank you for all the support, I am feeling in a better frame of mind today. The first year or two I suffered from this I was in major "WHY ME??" state, these past few years I feel like I'm finally reaching a state of acceptance, of "Ok, this is happening, deal with it, try and fix it but meanwhile do the best you can with what you have".... but every now and again I still have moments when I slip back to my old way of thinking. I esp. tend to feel a lot of guilt for anyone I may have inadvertently hurt (girlfriends and friends I pushed away, opportunities I turned down such as grad school invitations etc.), many people close to me did not know what was going on in my life and I left many of them with a pretty negative picture of me, as someone arrogant who didn't want them.... reality was I didn't know how people would react to me having a disability so I just kept silent, sometimes I wish I could go back to all those people and apologize but they have moved on and maybe I should just focus on not letting those mistakes happen in the future.

I don't know if anyone is into it but practicing mindfulness seems to help me see my problems from a much broader view, tends to put things into perspective and snap me into reality at times. Volunteering sounds great as well, been a while since I've done it but it's definitely one of the most rewarding experiences.

Thanks again for all the advice, it's highly appreciated.
 

oldfella

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Thank you for all the support, I am feeling in a better frame of mind today. The first year or two I suffered from this I was in major "WHY ME??" state, these past few years I feel like I'm finally reaching a state of acceptance, of "Ok, this is happening, deal with it, try and fix it but meanwhile do the best you can with what you have".... but every now and again I still have moments when I slip back to my old way of thinking. I esp. tend to feel a lot of guilt for anyone I may have inadvertently hurt (girlfriends and friends I pushed away, opportunities I turned down such as grad school invitations etc.), many people close to me did not know what was going on in my life and I left many of them with a pretty negative picture of me, as someone arrogant who didn't want them.... reality was I didn't know how people would react to me having a disability so I just kept silent, sometimes I wish I could go back to all those people and apologize but they have moved on and maybe I should just focus on not letting those mistakes happen in the future.

I don't know if anyone is into it but practicing mindfulness seems to help me see my problems from a much broader view, tends to put things into perspective and snap me into reality at times. Volunteering sounds great as well, been a while since I've done it but it's definitely one of the most rewarding experiences.

Thanks again for all the advice, it's highly appreciated.
I am a disability support worker. two of my clients are in wheelchairs. One was born with severe CP. He does not sit on his ass and do the "WOE IS ME". Ok he was born into this world with a good mind in a fucked up body........his words not mine! look up "Frederick's Ataxia" this is what my other client suffers from. He was a normal, good looking (still is) young man and struck down at age 15 with this. he goes to the gym four times a week and has a never give up attitude. Trust me when I tell you this guy should have been a model. All the girls go GAGA over him. He is a real sweetheart too. Sure he has his days but he is surrounded by POSITIVE people. I am his trainer and Support worker. We have an incredible relationship that is very noticeable everywhere we go. You sound like you are making improvements in your direction, just continue to head down that path. But do yourself a favor, get involved with some form of volunteer work. Especially within the disability sector. You will come out of this with your head held high and feeling like gold. An example...........I got a text message on my cell from the guy with Frederick's ataxia. one of his other workers typed it out for him. This message was so uplifting it left me with tears in my eyes. He was basically thanking me for all I do for him. But the words just rung in my head like a clear chime on a still night. My eyes well up even now as I think of him sitting in his chair enjoying the gifts he has, not pondering "Why me?" Of course this message from him made my days.................Very positive and motivating. It is a very rewarding feeling knowing you are making that much of s difference in someone's life. So go out and get into it. C'mon bro....there is a lot out there wating for someone just like YOU!!
 
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