OT: Monogamy, Ego, Hormones

[Deleted member 106824]

Wouldn't typically think of discussing relationships on a BBing forum but we've got some smart and experienced guys here, and this is an issue I think a lot of the "normal population" may just roll their eyes at.

Just wondering how many of you have felt completely happy giving up a life of hooking up for an exclusive relationship / marriage long term. I think a lot of us have obviously above average bodies and looks and on top of the hormones probably very high libidos.

Ironically, when I was in high school I said I just wanted a relationship. As I got better looking / more built and more successful in life that was easy and I just slept around a ton. Unfortunately, like any habit, that is hard to break. I'm now in a serious relationship but have still at times been shitty. Not to her directly, but just making myself seem more available than I really am. She considers me amazing and wants nothing more than to marry me and be the mother to my eventual kids. Best girl I've ever met out of hundreds. Great family, values, doctorate, etc.

Without dragging this out, basically there is the more logical side of me that tells me it probably makes more sense to settle down, form a family, get over my ego, etc.

The emotional and high libido side of me says that at 28 years old I could be sleeping with hot girls in their 20s for the next 10 years if I wanted to and then settle down. Which is factually true, but maybe silly. I'm sure I could justify either decision. Everyone says when you have "the one" (silly concept imo) it will be so easy but I don't believe that. I don't think after 10 years of sleeping around as much as you want it ever just becomes easy to drop that habit and I don't want to lose something great because I couldn't drop my ego and thought it was supposed to be "easy". But I also don't want to be questioning for the rest of my life / relationship what else is out there. It is a shame because, and I know everyone says this, but this girl is truly amazing and deserves the best. Super agreeable, super fit, intelligent, so caring, the only human I would die for. Sure I've been with physically hotter girls but that's a silly reason to pick a lifelong partner and she looks great.

If it's any factor, any time I masturbate my immediate feeling after is "stop being an idiot" but unfortunately that goes away pretty quickly.

Anyway, just wanted to hear the experience / thoughts of other men here who can probably relate and have gone through something similar. Again I know there's no definite right answer.

 

[little slice]

id stay with her... never marry her tho

 

[Deleted member 106824]

I'll also add that since trying to be fully monogamous I've felt less fulfilled emotionally....I think quite a bit of my validation came from the girls I was able to attract and sleep with. To be honest, this probably isn't the most healthy thing psychologically, but I genuinely feel less drive in life when imagining being with one person. This girl loves me for who I am and I could probably gain 30lb of fat, take a shitty job, etc and she'd still love me. Which is what everyone wants. Yet I feel less drive to excel at life now, as if all of these accomplishments were indirectly (or directly) ways to make me seem like a better option for women.

 

[Deleted member 106824]

lol..

lolol wouldn't be a complete thread on this topic without getting Little Slice's input. I actually mentioned you to my friend yesterday. I was explaining how you talk shit on women who get married, then say "I'm not happpyyyy" and get out and fuck up the guys life. But now I'm that person basically lmao with the most amazing girl and saying "I'm not happpyyy"...which is not fully true but basically missing the initial love/fun/infatuation that happens at the start of relationships

 

[little slice]

lolol wouldn't be a complete thread on this topic without getting Little Slice's input. I actually mentioned you to my friend yesterday. I was explaining how you talk shit on women who get married, then say "I'm not happpyyyy" and get out and fuck up the guys life. But now I'm that person basically lmao with the most amazing girl and saying "I'm not happpyyy"...which is not fully true but basically missing the initial love/fun/infatuation that happens at the start of relationships

a bunch of my guy friends just got engaged to their girlfriends recently..

in casual conversation, we would joke about women..

personally, ive had women i was with get mad at me for stuff they did, stuff other people did, and stuff i did in their dreams. it's mildly irritating, but no big deal, since they have no say over my life.

my friends would laugh and say 'yeah my girl does that all the time!'

....

they are going to give absolute power over their lives to a person who gets mad at them for things they did in their dreams lol..


i have a client who is in his 40's, two kids and a wife. he makes about 250k, and the wife doesn't do shit for a living. she's cashing out of the marriage, and will be making it BIG.

-she's going to get a huge non-taxable property settlement of assets that he bought
-she's going to get alimony (which is no longer tax-deductible to the payer)
-she's going to get child support (which is not tax-deductible to the payer)

assuming he's going to keep making that 250k, he's going to be getting to keep half of it, but be taxed on all of it. and she will be getting half, completely untaxed. he will probably be keeping about 30k of that per year - which is not enough to live on where i live.

i guess 'locking her down' didn't work out quite as well as he thought... but oh well, im sure the starfish sex that he got once every few weeks from a woman who cared less and less what she looks like as the years went by was worth having his life blown up.

i dont offer advice to my friends anymore... they just don't get it.. it's really astonishing to see how incapable they are of putting 2 and 2 together - especially when we are having our mutual guy friends get destroyed in family court.

 

[USMuscle9403]

personally, ive had women i was with get mad at me for stuff they did, stuff other people did, and stuff i did in their dreams.

Slices posts never fail to deliver, I legitimately lol at least once.














... Maybe it's only funny because I've had the same happen to me more than once.

 

[johnjuanb1]

Wouldn't typically think of discussing relationships on a BBing forum but we've got some smart and experienced guys here, and this is an issue I think a lot of the "normal population" may just roll their eyes at.

Just wondering how many of you have felt completely happy giving up a life of hooking up for an exclusive relationship / marriage long term. I think a lot of us have obviously above average bodies and looks and on top of the hormones probably very high libidos.

Ironically, when I was in high school I said I just wanted a relationship. As I got better looking / more built and more successful in life that was easy and I just slept around a ton. Unfortunately, like any habit, that is hard to break. I'm now in a serious relationship but have still at times been shitty. Not to her directly, but just making myself seem more available than I really am. She considers me amazing and wants nothing more than to marry me and be the mother to my eventual kids. Best girl I've ever met out of hundreds. Great family, values, doctorate, etc.

Without dragging this out, basically there is the more logical side of me that tells me it probably makes more sense to settle down, form a family, get over my ego, etc.

The emotional and high libido side of me says that at 28 years old I could be sleeping with hot girls in their 20s for the next 10 years if I wanted to and then settle down. Which is factually true, but maybe silly. I'm sure I could justify either decision. Everyone says when you have "the one" (silly concept imo) it will be so easy but I don't believe that. I don't think after 10 years of sleeping around as much as you want it ever just becomes easy to drop that habit and I don't want to lose something great because I couldn't drop my ego and thought it was supposed to be "easy". But I also don't want to be questioning for the rest of my life / relationship what else is out there. It is a shame because, and I know everyone says this, but this girl is truly amazing and deserves the best. Super agreeable, super fit, intelligent, so caring, the only human I would die for. Sure I've been with physically hotter girls but that's a silly reason to pick a lifelong partner and she looks great.

If it's any factor, any time I masturbate my immediate feeling after is "stop being an idiot" but unfortunately that goes away pretty quickly.

Anyway, just wanted to hear the experience / thoughts of other men here who can probably relate and have gone through something similar. Again I know there's no definite right answer.

I'll also add that since trying to be fully monogamous I've felt less fulfilled emotionally....I think quite a bit of my validation came from the girls I was able to attract and sleep with. To be honest, this probably isn't the most healthy thing psychologically, but I genuinely feel less drive in life when imagining being with one person. This girl loves me for who I am and I could probably gain 30lb of fat, take a shitty job, etc and she'd still love me. Which is what everyone wants. Yet I feel less drive to excel at life now, as if all of these accomplishments were indirectly (or directly) ways to make me seem like a better option for women.

I think if she was the right girl you wouldn’t have to speculate. You’d know it. But what do I know. In these situations I find it’s alway best to defer to the advice of Little Slice. The man literally died, told the Grimm Reaper to eat a fat donk, then came back to life. Who else in history has done that? #Jesus
Little Slice advice for the win.

 

[buck]

To achieve on thing in life you will have to give up at least one thing in general. What do you want more. You can't have it all. If you have been leading the BBing life you know about discipline. And you know discipline can be tough and some times it sucks. But do you get a greater good in the end then it was worth the sacrifice. And nothing is perfect. I am divorced and have nothing bad to say about my X or any of my x's. Because in the end I choose to be with them so what does that say about me. If I chose badly or chose to let myself be deluded then I am to blame.

 

[Delt123]

You will always question what’s out there when you are in a relationship. But the same thing will happen if you fuck around a couple more years and the person you are with now is out of your life.

The majority of ‘good’ women (like the one you described) are not looking for a close to 40 year old who haven’t been in a serious relation (or at least not in +- 10years) and are likely in a relationship themselves.


what do you actually want? Fucking around for 10 more years and a certainty that you can settle with a great woman afterwards?

 

[Cnote]

34 years old and got married around your age, also been caught with my hand in the cookie jar on more than one occasion. By all accounts I’ve been a pretty shitty husband. My wife is beautiful but after our daughter was born 6 years ago she’s been pretty overweight. It’s taken me years and some serious soul searching to come to grips with the fact that at the end of the day she loves me, we’ve been through hell and back together and it would absolutely destroy me to actually lose her for good. Everyone can say what they want about pursuing beautiful, fit women and sleeping with as many as you can to satiate your ego. Trust me I’ve been there and done that, having that person next to you at night and knowing you have a true partner in life and all it throws at you is a pretty badass feeling.

 

[TeknoViking]

I broke up with a great women because i wanted to play the field after being with her only for 7 years. I easily banged through 35+ (weird flex) girls in the last 12 months that I was single. My ex was great the total package so I understand the situation you have going on. You need to realize that you are ALWAYS going to see a hot young chick and think about how much fun it would be to fuck her. But thats all it will be...a fun fuck. Finding someone that you have a real connection with is something else. It is much harder to find. Even after all that fun in the last year I ask myself if I made the best decision.

If you break up with the girl you are with that will have consequences. The relationships you have with her friends and family will be forever changed. If you are close with her family and she close with yours those relationships will be impacted by the decision you make. Wont be able to go back. Just some food for thought.

Men have a different shelf life than women. I am 34 and I feel like i am peaking and my stock is rising (career/confidence etc). Meanwhile every girl in their late 20s is freaking out that they are never going to get married because they will get passed by because of all the hot younger chicks out there. 28 is YOUNG for a man. You could break up with this chick and it could be the biggest mistake of your life but you will recover and still be in your prime.

 

[little slice]

34 years old and got married around your age, also been caught with my hand in the cookie jar on more than one occasion. By all accounts I’ve been a pretty shitty husband. My wife is beautiful but after our daughter was born 6 years ago she’s been pretty overweight. It’s taken me years and some serious soul searching to come to grips with the fact that at the end of the day she loves me, we’ve been through hell and back together and it would absolutely destroy me to actually lose her for good. Everyone can say what they want about pursuing beautiful, fit women and sleeping with as many as you can to satiate your ego. Trust me I’ve been there and done that, having that person next to you at night and knowing you have a true partner in life and all it throws at you is a pretty badass feeling.

no disrespect, but this reads like a huge cope

 

[little slice]

but id be lost without her...

 

[Cnote]

no disrespect, but this reads like a huge cope

None taken, lol nothing offends me...but also curious as to how this comes off as a cope.

 

[little slice]

None taken, lol nothing offends me...but also curious as to how this comes off as a cope.

you mention that your wife chunked out, and as a result, isn't really tremendously attractive anymore.. but you wouldn't trade that for taking down all the young fit girls, because at the end of the day, your wife loves you.

just sounds like you're trying to convince us is all.

im assuming she's close to your age, so in her mid 30's... trust me, it only goes downhill from here in the looks department.

 

[Cnote]

you mention that your wife chunked out, and as a result, isn't really tremendously attractive anymore.. but you wouldn't trade that for taking down all the young fit girls, because at the end of the day, your wife loves you.

just sounds like you're trying to convince us is all.

im assuming she's close to your age, so in her mid 30's... trust me, it only goes downhill from here in the looks department.

Definitely see your point but also have nothing to convince anyone of at this point. I’ve gone down the road of infidelity numerous times and to be completely honest I can’t say that I never will again, it’s an itch that’s difficult not to scratch, especially with added hormones in the mix. The fact remains, I also know what I stand to lose if I do so... My wife, my kids and everything we’ve accomplished as a family. Sometimes those things are worth more to someone as they age and start seeing life in a bigger picture, rather than just looking for the next nut. You sound like you’ve been down a tough road and possibly been burned a time or two, it’s a tough thing to overcome for those that ever do. Cheers brother!

 

[gungalunga]

you mention that your wife chunked out, and as a result, isn't really tremendously attractive anymore.. but you wouldn't trade that for taking down all the young fit girls, because at the end of the day, your wife loves you.

just sounds like you're trying to convince us is all.

im assuming she's close to your age, so in her mid 30's... trust me, it only goes downhill from here in the looks department.

I believe this may have been Slice in a previous life......

 

[Tom]

In most simplistic terms realationship=conflict........

 

[Deleted member 106824]

a bunch of my guy friends just got engaged to their girlfriends recently..

in casual conversation, we would joke about women..

personally, ive had women i was with get mad at me for stuff they did, stuff other people did, and stuff i did in their dreams. it's mildly irritating, but no big deal, since they have no say over my life.

my friends would laugh and say 'yeah my girl does that all the time!'

....

they are going to give absolute power over their lives to a person who gets mad at them for things they did in their dreams lol..


i have a client who is in his 40's, two kids and a wife. he makes about 250k, and the wife doesn't do shit for a living. she's cashing out of the marriage, and will be making it BIG.

-she's going to get a huge non-taxable property settlement of assets that he bought
-she's going to get alimony (which is no longer tax-deductible to the payer)
-she's going to get child support (which is not tax-deductible to the payer)

assuming he's going to keep making that 250k, he's going to be getting to keep half of it, but be taxed on all of it. and she will be getting half, completely untaxed. he will probably be keeping about 30k of that per year - which is not enough to live on where i live.

i guess 'locking her down' didn't work out quite as well as he thought... but oh well, im sure the starfish sex that he got once every few weeks from a woman who cared less and less what she looks like as the years went by was worth having his life blown up.

i dont offer advice to my friends anymore... they just don't get it.. it's really astonishing to see how incapable they are of putting 2 and 2 together - especially when we are having our mutual guy friends get destroyed in family court.

Damn, when a woman gets alimony it's not taxed for her, and he pays the full tax? I wasn't aware of that, seems insane.

For what it's worth, after hearing your stories for years I talked to this girl about not getting legally married. She's accepting of that. I know you're cynical, trust me I am extremely cynical of women after all I've seen or how many girls I've been with who I found out were in relationships. But this girl...I'm not at all concerned about her trying to take my stuff or even possibly wanting a divorce. She's one of those rare individuals where you realize if it didn't work out it's the other person's (me) fault. So my question here is more about being with her forever (married or not) vs being with others. I will say, if I have kids with someone, which I do want, I do not want to leave that person. Plenty of evidence to show that is less than ideal for the kids and I would not want a broken family.

So in part my issue is how do I be a faithful man for the next 50 years without feeling bitter about missing out. I cheated in the past and it had absolutely nothing to do with a flawed relationship, it was me selfishly wanting to continue sleeping around and being frustrated at not being able to. Idk if I just have an unusually high libido or what. I was always vehemently against cheating until I found myself in that situation.

To achieve on thing in life you will have to give up at least one thing in general. What do you want more. You can't have it all. If you have been leading the BBing life you know about discipline. And you know discipline can be tough and some times it sucks. But do you get a greater good in the end then it was worth the sacrifice. And nothing is perfect. I am divorced and have nothing bad to say about my X or any of my x's. Because in the end I choose to be with them so what does that say about me. If I chose badly or chose to let myself be deluded then I am to blame.

I suppose it's a question of wondering what is the better option. I think the happiest and most fulfilled people in their 30s to 50s (maybe 40s to 50s) seem to have good partners and children. I don't want an empty life of random hook ups. But of course dating can be fun, and there is no shortage of completely miserable married couples. If there's anyone to be with long term it's this girl....just hate how I find myself annoyed every time I give up an opportunity recently. I should be considering patient's in the first place but just as an example I had two patients recently, both fit physical therapists, show significant interest and the lack of ability to close on that frustrated me.

I think it's certainly a "me" issue to an extent. Not super long ago I was at the gym and was thinking "damn, I literally just slept with the hottest girl here before coming to lift, and now I'm just focusing on the second hottest girl"...."toxic masculinity" at it's finest lol really though I mean I don't know if that's just a habit I have to work on breaking, or means I shouldn't ever be in a relationship, or what. It hasn't mattered how much I've been into a girl, there have always wanted others after the first few months.

I think if she was the right girl you wouldn’t have to speculate. You’d know it. But what do I know. In these situations I find it’s alway best to defer to the advice of Little Slice. The man literally died, told the Grimm Reaper to eat a fat donk, then came back to life. Who else in history has done that? #Jesus
Little Slice advice for the win.

lol regarding the bold part...that's what people say, but I don't know if that's really true. I've been intensely infatuated with shitty girls. Girls I allowed to stick around too long, I could get enough of them, was very into them, but knew I could never trust them or be with them forever. I feel like someone who doesn't try to be so objective/logical might just run with that because "it feels right"....as many men do who later get fucked.

I've known this girl for a long time, so I don't have that initial infatuation/honeymoon phase with her. I see other women and want to sleep with them, but none of the women I've been with have matched up to this girl.

You will always question what’s out there when you are in a relationship. But the same thing will happen if you fuck around a couple more years and the person you are with now is out of your life.

The majority of ‘good’ women (like the one you described) are not looking for a close to 40 year old who haven’t been in a serious relation (or at least not in +- 10years) and are likely in a relationship themselves.


what do you actually want? Fucking around for 10 more years and a certainty that you can settle with a great woman afterwards?

Yea, I tell myself that frequently. The last crazy girl I dated....when she was 22 she went out with a 42 year old. I could look at that and say "see I could be 40 and be with hot 22 year olds"....but she was crazy. Fucked her high school teacher, fucked her college professor, cheated on her ex with her boss....not a long term girl. I do believe high quality 21-25 year olds would be willing to date a 30-32 year old, but in my opinion most girls in their 20s dating 40+ year olds are a little off. So as you alluded to, the longer I continue sleeping around the more I lower my chances of finding a very high quality woman.

I could do it for a few more years and find a nice 22-25 year old, sure. Not long ago I had an extremely attractive 22 year old fitness girl on her way to becoming an NP want to date me, so I know it's out there, but I also know if I dated her for a few months I'd be back in this position, just with a slightly younger girl. So again it comes back to logic vs emotion. I think if I want kids and a family, I should stop questioning so much, but man my mind is always questioning "what if"

And I agree if I left my girl for these girls I would definitely always wonder what if, and wonder about the family and life I could have had with her. I suppose I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too. It's frustrating I don't feel I'll ever be satisfied. Career wise, I'm very happy with what I'm doing. Family and friends, I'm good. Relationships/sex....it's never enough.

 

[Deleted member 106824]

34 years old and got married around your age, also been caught with my hand in the cookie jar on more than one occasion. By all accounts I’ve been a pretty shitty husband. My wife is beautiful but after our daughter was born 6 years ago she’s been pretty overweight. It’s taken me years and some serious soul searching to come to grips with the fact that at the end of the day she loves me, we’ve been through hell and back together and it would absolutely destroy me to actually lose her for good. Everyone can say what they want about pursuing beautiful, fit women and sleeping with as many as you can to satiate your ego. Trust me I’ve been there and done that, having that person next to you at night and knowing you have a true partner in life and all it throws at you is a pretty badass feeling.

Thank you for your honesty. It's tough man. I don't see this girl ever being overweight, certainly not as fit as she is now forever but fitness is a big part of her life too. She's literally everything that I've wanted. I feel like a dick when I think of younger girls (she's my age)....knowing I could be with someone 10 years younger like my brother is. My brother though has been with twice as many as I have and never had a good relationship so that's something. And I feel like that is super unhealthy and unfair if I continue to think like that, I worry it will only get worse with age as I know it would be fairly easy for me. We tried being open for a few months and not surprisingly it really hurt her, so that's a no-go for sure. I'd rather cheat secretly (not advocating it or saying I will) compared to doing that again....she gave it a shot for me which involved me talking to others and her doing nothing as she's not remotely interested in that...I did not like seeing her that upset at all, not worth it.

If there was a pill that could lower my libido I'd take it. We've had sex 4 times in the last 3 days (after being together for years) and each time I finish I feel dumb for even thinking this way then a few hours later it's back. It's in part an ego thing too. It feels like that's who I am, and a way I separated myself from the "common man"

I broke up with a great women because i wanted to play the field after being with her only for 7 years. I easily banged through 35+ (weird flex) girls in the last 12 months that I was single. My ex was great the total package so I understand the situation you have going on. You need to realize that you are ALWAYS going to see a hot young chick and think about how much fun it would be to fuck her. But thats all it will be...a fun fuck. Finding someone that you have a real connection with is something else. It is much harder to find. Even after all that fun in the last year I ask myself if I made the best decision.

If you break up with the girl you are with that will have consequences. The relationships you have with her friends and family will be forever changed. If you are close with her family and she close with yours those relationships will be impacted by the decision you make. Wont be able to go back. Just some food for thought.

Men have a different shelf life than women. I am 34 and I feel like i am peaking and my stock is rising (career/confidence etc). Meanwhile every girl in their late 20s is freaking out that they are never going to get married because they will get passed by because of all the hot younger chicks out there. 28 is YOUNG for a man. You could break up with this chick and it could be the biggest mistake of your life but you will recover and still be in your prime.

Ugh man, this is EXACTLY what goes through my mind every day. We've been together (varying levels of monogamy on my part) for a long time. I've been with between 100-150 women. The urge never goes away. It's never "done" or sated. Sometimes I wonder if I took the best route. I don't think I'd want to be that guy who has only been with a few girls in his life, but I don't know if fucking so many women really helped me if my end goal was a satisfied family life. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast, some really amazing experiences, threesomes, everything, but now it's so hard to drop.

One of my closest friends is 29, married 3 years ago, only been with two or three girls in his life. SO happy with his situation and has his second son on the way. He's my height (6'1"), good looking, muscular, good career....never cared about hooking up. Met his now wife his senior year of college, when I first met my current girl. He turned down two other hotter girls who wanted him because he didn't see them as good partners. He was born to be a dad and husband. Sometimes I do wish I had that because he sure as hell is more content than I am now (though I don't want to live a life of just being content, but he is happy it seems).

Alternatively, my other best friend was with his girl from 14 to 26. Got married at 24. Cheated on his wife when he was doing his residency, she divorced him. His excuse was he never got to play the field because he was so young when they started.....my thoughts are it was just his nature and having more girls in his past wouldn't have changed anything.

You are right that I would be just fine and recover, but probably would forever wonder if I fucked him. Her family is amazing and loves me. Unfortunately she doesn't have many friends (her one flaw is she's very introverted so not very social....but that's probably in part why she's not been with many men and would never cheat lol...more extroverted girls are more likely to cheat). My family, friends, and really everyone who meets her adores her. Like I said she's one of those people who if you have an issue with it's your fault lol she's highly agreeable and caring. And that's the other side of this issue....I'm not just dealing with my life I'm dealing with hers and as much as you shouldn't stay with someone just to not hurt their feelings, it is a real thing that this girl has put her whole life into me and our relationship and moved for me, etc for years now and if I broke up with her not only would she be completely and utterly heartbroken, I would have taken away her prime dating years and left her as a now single 28-29 year old girl technically past her prime and lonely, and as I said very introverted. I really don't know if she'd ever recover or find someone of high enough quality again, not to mention she adores children and wants so badly to be a mom, and she'd of course be aware that if we broke up she likely wouldn't find someone and have kids until her mid 30s then at best. Ugh, it legitimately makes me feel sick imagining doing that to someone so great. Sometimes I think even if I wanted to break up with her (and I'm not saying I do) that I should just be with her because she deserves the better outcome over me and if I wanted to fuck around I shouldn't have led her on for years.