So not like me...

[superqt4u2nv]

To post about my life on a public message board much less me personal problems and struggles.

I recently got hurt bad romance wise. Cut to the chase I meet someone and things moved very fast. He lived way north of me so it was a long distance thing. (Bad from the get go I know better then that tried it in the past never works.) So we traveled back forth over the course of 2 months seeing him about every other weekend. Then all of sudden he just cut me of no return calls emails etc.
My comp was coming up and it happened to be the same week/weekend the he has a business trip here. At 3 weeks out I sent I finale kind of email to see if he was coming or what the deal was. He told me he was embarrassed to tell me that he was not able to make it company he worked for cut all none essential travel and he was accepting a job even further away on the other side of country. The other job he had turned down a few weeks ago and from things he had said I thought he might be looking for something closer to me. (Maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.)
Well I thought that was it but later I found out that he was in the works with someone that was “just a friend’ and I was merely a distraction until tell things with her reached the point of peaking. I just don’t know how I could be so stupid so many red flags and I ignored them all. I am not desperate by any means I have lots of options in front of me but I tend to go for things that are impossible situations men that are emotionally unavailable, workaholics etc. Obviously I must have some issues of my own that need working out. Basically that is why I am posting this is want to learn from this not make the same mistakes. I have a very hard time expressing emotions when I am hurt I rarely tell people. I always say I am fine things are great. I let it fester inside and carry around these things that have hurt me for years sometimes! I want to let go of all this move passed it focus the things in life that make me happy and a better person.

 

[strongmind]

To post about my life on a public message board much less me personal problems and struggles.

I recently got hurt bad romance wise. Cut to the chase I meet someone and things moved very fast. He lived way north of me so it was a long distance thing. (Bad from the get go I know better then that tried it in the past never works.) So we traveled back forth over the course of 2 months seeing him about every other weekend. Then all of sudden he just cut me of no return calls emails etc.
My comp was coming up and it happened to be the same week/weekend the he has a business trip here. At 3 weeks out I sent I finale kind of email to see if he was coming or what the deal was. He told me he was embarrassed to tell me that he was not able to make it company he worked for cut all none essential travel and he was accepting a job even further away on the other side of country. The other job he had turned down a few weeks ago and from things he had said I thought he might be looking for something closer to me. (Maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.)
Well I thought that was it but later I found out that he was in the works with someone that was “just a friend’ and I was merely a distraction until tell things with her reached the point of peaking. I just don’t know how I could be so stupid so many red flags and I ignored them all. I am not desperate by any means I have lots of options in front of me but I tend to go for things that are impossible situations men that are emotionally unavailable, workaholics etc. Obviously I must have some issues of my own that need working out. Basically that is why I am posting this is want to learn from this not make the same mistakes. I have a very hard time expressing emotions when I am hurt I rarely tell people. I always say I am fine things are great. I let it fester inside and carry around these things that have hurt me for years sometimes! I want to let go of all this move passed it focus the things in life that make me happy and a better person.

Hey superqt... sometimes the anonymity of the boards makes it easier to open up, so I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you decided to ask for help.

First af all... HIS LOSS. Second, the sections I highlighted are two of the most important things to focus on right now. Looking back, do you remember the moment when you felt like things had changed between you two? I guarantee you do. We always know that moment but most of the time, we choose to ignore it, rationalize it, make excuses, etc... You need to work on trusting yourself and honoring your gut instincts. Know without a doubt that you will be OKAY even if it doesn't work out. We tend to cling too tightly otherwise.

Also, when you say you think you have issues because you tend to choose unavailable guys... that may be something worth examining as well. What is it about wanting something you can't have? I bet the moment he started pulling away, you wanted him more than ever... I have a roommate who consistently repeats this pattern. And I used to be guilty of this as well. It's a huge ego blow to be rejected. One of the worst feelings in the world. And for those of us who are used to getting what we want, this can be a hard pill to swallow.

As for now, take care of YOU. Spend some time pampering and hanging out with the girls. Take a break from men. Walk away from the situation with your pride intact, knowing that you didn't do anything wrong. He just wasn't man enough to be up front with you about his feelings or thought you were too weak to deal with it if he told you the truth. You're better off without a guy like that.

Natalie

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Thanks Natalie for taking the time to reply.

First time I really felt like something was off was when I made a call and didn’t get a return call from him for sometime a few days. I could feel him pulling away but he had said it was work etc. not me. I am strong person and I can handle a lot I prefer when people are direct and to the point honesty doesn’t hurt my feelings but bullshit always does. When I felt him pull away I did feel I wanted him more nuts I know but true. We exchanged a few emails recently and he was telling me he was trying to let me down gently he thought that this was the best way to just cut me off. I did tell him in an email how he hurt me which is very rare like I said I just say I am fine with stuff like this happens even if I am not. At first I felt better having told him how I felt but now I just feel disappointed in myself for letting him know he affected me. I am very proud so this is a hard thing for me and yes I have a healthy ego that is a bit bruised.
Last week I did pamper my self buying some new makeup getting a manicure pedicure etc. I could have used the no dating advice a few days ago before I agreed to go on some dates this weekend. It has been about a month since it is over and over a week since my last contact with him. I have no intentions of moving fast. I would feel bad to cancel now. As for hanging with the girls the honest truth is I have only 2 very close girl friends the rest of my small circle of friends are male.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Perhaps you unconsciously want the relationship to fail. Maybe the idea of an attainable guy isn't as appealing because then that would mean you would have to .................... ?

In any case, as the strongaminda said, you're better off without him. Do you want to be an appetizer or the entree? Don't settle for anything less because you deserve nothing less.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Perhaps you unconsciously want the relationship to fail. Maybe the idea of an attainable guy isn't as appealing because then that would mean you would have to .................... ?

In any case, as the strongaminda said, you're better off without him. Do you want to be an appetizer or the entree? Don't settle for anything less because you deserve nothing less.

Yes I have thought that a time or two. The thing is I feel like at this stage in my life I am ready for something more of course I don’t want to force that but I do feel ready. I know I want the main course for sure and I have never been one to settle for less then what I deserve. I know I deserve better then him there is no issue of wanting him back or anything like that. My issue right now is the pain and anger it is still there it comes in waves. I am fine with it at one point and then not at another. I am dating a little taking things very slow. I do find it very hard right now though to open up to the new people I meet. It sucks but I feel very gadded now it is hard to feel like myself around someone new. I guess the only thing that will help this is time. I really would like to put it behind me just having a difficult time with it I guess.

 

[Phidias]

Also, when you say you think you have issues because you tend to choose unavailable guys... that may be something worth examining as well. What is it about wanting something you can't have?

This is a concept I really don't understand... why in the hell would you consider that someone is "unavailable", or that "you can't have" him or her?

They are just humans, no god or goddess. In life, when you want something badly, you need to fight for it... same with love... it's called FAITH.

Why thinking like a looser even before having tried? Sure you can't force someone to love you... but if you show him/her assets he/she wasn't suspecting, the way that person was considering you at first may very well change for the best... and for good!

Not to say, superqt, that this man was for you, cause obviously, from his actions, he showed his love for you wasn't "that great" humm ... you deserve way better girl!!!

Hang in there... sometimes love touches your heart when you're really not expecting it

 

[superqt4u2nv]

This is a concept I really don't understand... why in the hell would you consider that someone is "unavailable", or that "you can't have" him or her?

They are just humans, no god or goddess. In life, when you want something badly, you need to fight for it... same with love... it's called FAITH.

Why thinking like a looser even before having tried? Sure you can't force someone to love you... but if you show him/her assets he/she wasn't suspecting, the way that person was considering you at first may very well change for the best... and for good!

Not to say, superqt, that this man was for you, cause obviously, from his actions, he showed his love for you wasn't "that great" humm ... you deserve way better girl!!!

Hang in there... sometimes love touches your heart when you're really not expecting it

I don’t mean unavailable as in unattainable I don’t think anyone is unattainable we are all just people. I mean more as literally unavailable because there is some circumstance that takes up much of there lives. Being drawn to men that have very busy careers etc or someone that is says am airplane trip away rather then being drawn to the guy that is around the corner. Or a men that are emotionally available the one that is the devote bachelor and proud of it that seems to be what I am attracted to. So I am trying to figure out if I purposefully make these choices, to fall for someone that is incapable of returning my affections.

Right now I just would be content in feeling less hurt and angry about the whole thing. My ego is slightly deflated and I am trying not to artificially inflate it by jumping into something with someone new. Perhaps that is why I am being so cautious wth the currnet people I am dating. Anyway I just don’t feel like my care free happy go lucky self right now and that honestly sucks the most I hate that someone could affect me like this.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Yes I have thought that a time or two. The thing is I feel like at this stage in my life I am ready for something more of course I don’t want to force that but I do feel ready. I know I want the main course for sure and I have never been one to settle for less then what I deserve. I know I deserve better then him there is no issue of wanting him back or anything like that. My issue right now is the pain and anger it is still there it comes in waves. I am fine with it at one point and then not at another. I am dating a little taking things very slow. I do find it very hard right now though to open up to the new people I meet. It sucks but I feel very gadded now it is hard to feel like myself around someone new. I guess the only thing that will help this is time. I really would like to put it behind me just having a difficult time with it I guess.

Why do you feel you have to force anything? You take your good time. That's all we have is time! Of course it takes some time to become as comfortable with someone as you've been in the past. You can't (at least you shouldn't) be able to come out of a relationship where you've become comfortable with someone and then expect the next relationship to feel just as comfortable. It just takes time.

I wouldn't be all concerned with that really though. That's perfectly normal. I'm more curious as to what it is that you are afraid of, or uncomfortable with, or unsure about, whatever, that you find yourself attracted to unavailable men. It makes me wonder if there's something you're avoiding there. Maybe the responsibilty of a long-term relationship? Maybe you think you'll feel trapped? All things that only you can discover. All these answers lie in you and I'm confident you will find the answers. If you feel uncomfortable talking about this openly, I surely understand. In my opinion though, the fact that you are putting thought into all this is comforting. You really are wrestling with this! ...instead of doing like so many of our girls today and just hopping to the next relationship/bed. I'm sure there's a lot to this and though you're thinking about it probably waaay too much (much like I always do), it's still better to talk to someone about it. A smart girlfriend, a pastor, a therapist, a priest. Someone who will just offer ideas and let you find the right way. Your way. Be careful if you hear "What you need to do is..."

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Why do you feel you have to force anything? You take your good time. That's all we have is time! Of course it takes some time to become as comfortable with someone as you've been in the past. You can't (at least you shouldn't) be able to come out of a relationship where you've become comfortable with someone and then expect the next relationship to feel just as comfortable. It just takes time.

I wouldn't be all concerned with that really though. That's perfectly normal. I'm more curious as to what it is that you are afraid of, or uncomfortable with, or unsure about, whatever, that you find yourself attracted to unavailable men. It makes me wonder if there's something you're avoiding there. Maybe the responsibilty of a long-term relationship? Maybe you think you'll feel trapped? All things that only you can discover. All these answers lie in you and I'm confident you will find the answers. If you feel uncomfortable talking about this openly, I surely understand. In my opinion though, the fact that you are putting thought into all this is comforting. You really are wrestling with this! ...instead of doing like so many of our girls today and just hopping to the next relationship/bed. I'm sure there's a lot to this and though you're thinking about it probably waaay too much (much like I always do), it's still better to talk to someone about it. A smart girlfriend, a pastor, a therapist, a priest. Someone who will just offer ideas and let you find the right way. Your way. Be careful if you hear "What you need to do is..."

You make a very good point I don't need to force anything. It is just I really don't feel like my old self I am happy go lucky type person. I don't like to be negative or over analyze things to death. I just feel like I really need to think this out clearly as I don't want to be making these same bad choices down the line. I have done that jumping from one relationship to the next and I don't think it is healthy or smart you have no time to reflect and learn.

In the past I most defiantly had a fear of being in long terms but that is something I think I have grown passed. When I was younger it was more about well if I settle down, what will I be missing out on. I don’t think like that now I know with the right person I wouldn’t be missing out on a thing. I have never really done the therapy thing but I have several friends that have. I have been thinking more about it as an option to further exam some deeper issues that I think might relate to some of my choices.

 

[Phidias]

In the past I most defiantly had a fear of being in long terms but that is something I think I have grown passed. When I was younger it was more about well if I settle down, what will I be missing out on. I don’t think like that now I know with the right person I wouldn’t be missing out on a thing.

As a teen I tought exactly like you "in the past": no long terms, life is short, so just enjoy it with as much girls as you can
But at 20 I met that woman (she was 34)... THE woman. At least what I thought for 4 years she was that "right person" whom you are talking about. Up until recently I trusted her more than anyone else on this earth... poor fool I was

Moral of the story... you never know in advance, and even when u start thinking you have finally found that so expected kindred spirit, you might very well have your hopes dashed

So don't look for the father of your children (if ever you want some), you will meet him whithout even knowing at first he will be

And btw, judging from the pic you took with Darrem, most men would sell their soul just to have the mommy of their kids look like you superqt...

Too bad you live thousands miles from me

 

[strongmind]

You make a very good point I don't need to force anything. It is just I really don't feel like my old self I am happy go lucky type person. I don't like to be negative or over analyze things to death. I just feel like I really need to think this out clearly as I don't want to be making these same bad choices down the line. I have done that jumping from one relationship to the next and I don't think it is healthy or smart you have no time to reflect and learn.

In the past I most defiantly had a fear of being in long terms but that is something I think I have grown passed. When I was younger it was more about well if I settle down, what will I be missing out on. I don’t think like that now I know with the right person I wouldn’t be missing out on a thing. I have never really done the therapy thing but I have several friends that have. I have been thinking more about it as an option to further exam some deeper issues that I think might relate to some of my choices.

You'll feel like yourself again. Don't worry. It's just going to take some time. You don't need to overanalyze things... but taking some time to reflect on yourself and what you want could be time well-spent right now. I'm glad to hear you're not jumping right back into the whole dating thing. The right guy for you is out there, and when you're ready, HE'LL find YOU.

 

[ScorpioGirl]

Wow.....I have a recent story about the "unexpected" relationship....but that would take too long to explain here. I agree with the posts above that when you're not looking - it will happen....and as strongmind said "trust your instinct". Good luck to you.

 

[lilkoreangirl]

Never let anyone blow you off. The next time it happens, drop them like a bad habit-quick. We live in a world of ubiquitous communicative means. There is NO REASON anyone shouldn't be able to get in touch with you. Apologize for being late, reshceduling, or just canceling the proper way. It burns me when ladies settle for anything less than they deserve by giving assholes a benefit of the doubt they have yet to earn. Call, text, write, email, you name it. Pix message for X sake. SUPERQT4U2NV - The name you've chosen tells me you're confident. Confidence is a sexy thing according to every male I've ever discussed this issue with. Use it. Use it to find the good guys that know you're worth the time, effort and drive-to support you at your next show. Forget the rest of them, honestly.

LKG