Way to make me lose trust in you, baby

[VNV]

Last summer, my girlfriend went to Greece for 3 months to train at a culinary school. While she was over there, she traveled around a lot and partied hard on the weekends.

One night, she stayed out drinking with two guys she met when all her friends had gone home already. The next morning, she says she woke up in the their room. She claims to have no memory at all of what happened after she drank with these guys, and was very, very upset about the whole thing.

She says she was probably rufied or something, but she's been known to black out when we have drank together, and I always have to babysit her, so I know she just got completely wasted and blacked out.

The room had three beds, she says, and that each guy was in a bed and she was in a bed alone and completely clothed when she woke up. First thing she did was leave the room and go back to hers after that.

Her friend staying with her made her see a doctor and they examined her for signs of rape, and that the doctor said there we no signs of intercourse... but she did have a urinary tract infection. Later that night, she called me in tears to tell me what happened.

Here's the thing though. I really don't trust her when she drinks. She really loses control, although she's never done anything completely stupid like cross the boundaries of our relationship. I've always thought there was a chance she got blacked out and fucked these guys or something. The fact that she has no idea what happened and that she was drinking alone in a party hotel with kids our age bothers the shit out of me. Nine months later, I still think about this bullshit that went down.

What do I tell myself? How can I get over this? I find myself fixating on it whenever we have troubles in our relationship.

This summer will be 3 years together. This is someone I may marry, but I think what happened may be something that I can never move past, and if so, I don't think I could every truly be happy or secure in a marriage with her.

 

[balla06]

thats tough bro, but if she did have sex with them guys then its not her fualt yes maybe she made a bad choice to drink with them and stay there alone but she didnt jus go have sex with these guys IF that even happen behind ur back. all u can do is get over it bro. i mean think bout how she feels bout the whole thing thinkin that someone might have raped her or took advantage of her. im not tryin to bust ur balls but id be more worried bout how she feels and stuff. she didnnt set out to hurt u and that is what matters. her gettin taken advantage of is not her fault brutha. maybe talk withher and come to an agrement that she shouldnt drink so much bc of the black outs but u cant hold this against her. if u r its totally wrong in my eyes. maybe i got the story wrong but from what i atek of it u have nothin to be mad at her about and if u r and it bothers u that much and u cant let it go then u must end it with her bc u cant punish her for somethin she didnt do

jus my take and again not tryin to be a dick jus tryin to make u look at it from another point of veiw. if i were u id be upset as well but its not her fault and she seems like she loves u and she never set out to do anything to hurt u bro

hope u work it out

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

Here's the thing though. I really don't trust her when she drinks. She really loses control, .

And it sounds like there is no control on either persons side bro. Time to cut it loose. I am quite sure she is a adult and not a child and can think for herself when it's time to stop the drinking. Because she does this from what you have said "regularly" I would only assume something HAS happened before, you just haven't found out about it. Also if you go out with her and have drinks with her, then you are also to blame because you are not helping the situtaion any by encouraging her to drink when you two are out. Doesn't matter that its just you two. This sounds like something worse is waiting to happen my friend! If she doesn't want to stop the way her life is going then get out before she draggs you down with her. Peace.

 

[alan1973]

And it sounds like there is no control on either persons side bro. Time to cut it loose. I am quite sure she is a adult and not a child and can think for herself when it's time to stop the drinking. Because she does this from what you have said "regularly" I would only assume something HAS happened before, you just haven't found out about it. Also if you go out with her and have drinks with her, then you are also to blame because you are not helping the situtaion any by encouraging her to drink when you two are out. Doesn't matter that its just you two. This sounds like something worse is waiting to happen my friend! If she doesn't want to stop the way her life is going then get out before she draggs you down with her. Peace.

I totally agree. there is NO excuse to lose control when it comes to drinking. It all comes down to maturity, which she lacks. Let her go and find a woman, not a little girl.

 

[VNV]

I've never dealt with someone with a mild drug problem like this, and I do feel both of us are somewhat out of control.

She says she only gets wasted when I'm with her because she knows I won't let anything happen to her. And she says that when I'm not with her, she stays under control, because she doesn't have me to look after her.

So I'm definitely enabling the behavior, BUT I worry that if she goes out without me, even though she says she doesn't drink heavy when I'm not there, she's going to get wasted and do something stupid like get raped or fuck some guy.

It's not a real big problem, boomshaker; I don't think she's gonna mess up her professional life or take me down with her. It is, however, enough of a problem to give me some anxiety over.

But by the sound of balla (correct me if my interpretation is wrong), I shouldn't blame her for her actions while she's drinking. It's not her--it's the alcohol, and therefore I can't take what she does when she's drinking to heart. And I shouldn't be mad at her for what happened in Greece... but I am--I'm mad that she made such a poor decision (to get completely wasted like that).

I can either be with her and be insecure and reminded of Greece whenever she drinks, and accept it because I love her and Greece was a result of her excessive drinking... or my other option is to walk away because I really hate drinking and don't need the pressure of the problems it causes or feeling obligated to go out with her when she does.

Are those my two choices?

I don't want to say, "I should have left then" in ten years, but I also don't want to walk away from a woman I love because of her shortcomings. Isn't part of being an adult and in a serious, mature relationship working together on problems to improve each others' characters and lives? You wouldn't give away your porche because the alignment gets off every once in a while.

 

[balla06]

But by the sound of balla (correct me if my interpretation is wrong), I shouldn't blame her for her actions while she's drinking. It's not her--it's the alcohol, and therefore I can't take what she does when she's drinking to heart. And I shouldn't be mad at her for what happened in Greece... but I am--I'm mad that she made such a poor decision (to get completely wasted like that).
.

aright my bad i was more hittin on the fact of what happen in greece as in someone rapping her or somethin which in all honesty wouldnt be her fault but YES she made a poor decision on gettin wasted

but ill back up a bit, the problem is when she drinks sooo with that said i think that ur right she shouldnt get wasted or even drink at all if she can not control her actions. its not healthy for her as a person at all and alot of bad things could happen to her and its not fair to u at all. so sit down with her and yall compromise about things. if she loves u she will understand and not drink and understand that u r jus lookin out for her best intrest and beig a good bf. now if she cant do that then bro u jus got to pick up and move onif u cant swallow it. would i swallow it, no prolly not bc to me it would seem like shes more into goin out and gettin fucked up and MAYBE doin that so she can have an excuse if somethin happens. that my friend is not cool at all and shows how much she really cares bout u and yalls relationship. its a hard choice but u knwo as so does everyone else that life is full of tough choices bro but we got to make the best ones we can. if shes not the one for u then somethin along the way will bring yall to an end and maybe this is gods way of showin u that if she cant stop the drinking.

and ur right u shouldnt give up on things easy but i look at it this way, it takes 2 bro and if one isnt willing to compromise then its only a one way street. it aint gna work. a relationship is always goin to have kinks that yall BOTH TOGETHER will have to work on, but sometimes those kinks r truly dead ends. thats the hard part u got to figure out. if its somethin that can be fixed such as an alignment then work the problem out but if the motor is blown what good is it gna do ya? feel me

sorry for hittin on soemthin earlier that wasnt the subject. i jsu caught the whole gettin taken advantage of part and such and i dont play with that kinda shit i hate any coward that does that to any girl. my bad brutha! best of luck to u tho man. hope it all works out for u the best it can.

later on

 

[oldfella]

Hey VNV, I'll keep it short and to the point, otherwise I'm only going to echo some of what has already been said, Some people just should'nt drink. it is a drug of addiction even if it is legal. Some people get violent, others turn into blithering idiots and some get so emotional they end up crying in the gutter! it is not good for either of you, so your choices.........Stop drinking. You do not need it and obviously neither does she. You do not need to encourage her to drink so the best way is for both to abstain from alcohol. You can not hold the things you or she have done in the past against each other. The relationship will surely fail. If you find you can not stop the drinking.....either of you then it is time for professional intervention.

 

[flexmaster]

VNV

you and i have had very similar situations. my girl (we've been together 3 yers now as well) went to mexico for the entire last school year. she had guys coming out of the woodwork to try and get with her. at the time she left she was pretty niave in her thinking towards guys, and she quickly realized that MANY guys have alterior motives...despite what they say with thier mouths.

anyway, here's the thing...there is some stuff that REALLY pisses me off that happened involving her in mexico (nothing sexual with another guy). it doesnt keep me up at night, and i dont often think about these things...but they can get to me if i let them. my girl doesnt drink though, so that was a HUGE burden i did not have to carry. honestly, if she did drink...i would assume something did happen when she was down there and would not be with her.

the way i see it you have 2 options...get over it and trust that she's being honest with you...or break it off now and stop prolonging the inevitable. something you should honestly consider though is this...is this something you will let yourself forget? its hard to get to that level because it puts yourself in a position for the other person to hurt you...and that is against our nature as humans. pm me if you would like to talk about anything specific, honestly

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

It's not a real big problem, boomshaker; I don't think she's gonna mess up her professional life or take me down with her. It is, however, enough of a problem to give me some anxiety over.

VNV, There has never been (to my knowledge) a person who with a serious drinking problem has not gotten worst over time. Often these people destroy those loved ones around them. Unless she gets some professional help(intervention) she will ultimatly loose her friends, relationships,and many of times job. Being a professional in any carreer does not give that person the better edge on being able to deal with achoholism. It only makes the matter worse, because they do feel they are in total control. Also, too many of times loved ones have sat quietly by and have said time and time again "she/he doesn't really have a true drinking proble. They can stop anytime they want". But that's a little to late when their lives take a true turn for the worse. And yes VNV, unless she gets some professional help she will take you down with her. To what degree will she, only you can be the judge of that. But always the best of luck to you my friend.

 

[Iceman1800]

Unless you can prove she really cheated, give her the benefit of the doubt. She trusted you enough to tell you about it so let it go. You will drive yourself nuts worrying about something that may never have happened. Let it go.

 

[ForemanRules]

I can't immagine putting up with crap like that. Dump her and move on.

 

[VNV]

Update

Thought I'd validate some comments from earlier.

Only get to see my girlfriend like once a week right now because of travel. Was excited about seeing her last night. We were suppose to hang out at a friends and BBQ for a bit, then she would take me home. Instead, she got pretty drunk, everyone decided to go out to a bar. At 12AM, everyone goes in, but I realize I forgot my ID at the BBQ, so I just went back to the place girlfriend and I were suppose to spend the night (her sisters'), and watch TV alone.

2AM rolls around, and her sisters and friends arrive back and ready to sleep. But wait... what's this??? My girlfriend's not there. They didn't realize that my girlfriend was missing from the group until I pointed it out, and in fact, they hadn't seen her after they got there and ordered their first round of drinks. No one had any idea of where she was or went, or what happened to her.

It's like Greece all over again.

So this morning, my girlfriend is still missing. I'm freaking out so I call her parents and ask if she had contacted them. Her dad tells me he drove to somewhere in this city (wasn't sure if it was around the bar we were at or the apartment we stayed at) and picked her up from a woman's house. Apparently, she was throwing up, falling around, and crawling around out in some street around 2:30AM and this woman took her in or something, called her parents from her cellphone, and watched her until her dad got there.

Un-fucking-believable. I talked to her, and of course, she has no recollection of anything but being at the hospital where they treated her for alcohol poisoning after her dad picked her up.

In summary, instead of spending what little time she has with her boyfriend, my girlfriend decides to get wasted, go to busy bar in a major metropolitan area, leave/lose track of all her friends shortly after getting there, disappears for two hours, and is found crawling around on a residential street in who-knows where part of town. No one has any idea where she was or what she was doing or who she was with for about 2 hours, including herself. No one will ever know.

I'm just dumbfounded. I can't believe this behavior and I really have no idea what to do about it or her. I do, however, know for sure now that she needs some professional attention/treatment. If we were married, I'd look at this as some major opportunity to help her grow and become a better person. But shit, all this fear and stress she causes for me, I almost don't think its worth it. And the funny part is, if I leave her for this shit, I'm the bad guy because I didn't care about her enough to help her through it.

You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

 

[alan1973]

Thought I'd validate some comments from earlier.

Only get to see my girlfriend like once a week right now because of travel. Was excited about seeing her last night. We were suppose to hang out at a friends and BBQ for a bit, then she would take me home. Instead, she got pretty drunk, everyone decided to go out to a bar. At 12AM, everyone goes in, but I realize I forgot my ID at the BBQ, so I just went back to the place girlfriend and I were suppose to spend the night (her sisters'), and watch TV alone.

2AM rolls around, and her sisters and friends arrive back and ready to sleep. But wait... what's this??? My girlfriend's not there. They didn't realize that my girlfriend was missing from the group until I pointed it out, and in fact, they hadn't seen her after they got there and ordered their first round of drinks. No one had any idea of where she was or went, or what happened to her.

It's like Greece all over again.

So this morning, my girlfriend is still missing. I'm freaking out so I call her parents and ask if she had contacted them. Her dad tells me he drove to somewhere in this city (wasn't sure if it was around the bar we were at or the apartment we stayed at) and picked her up from a woman's house. Apparently, she was throwing up, falling around, and crawling around out in some street around 2:30AM and this woman took her in or something, called her parents from her cellphone, and watched her until her dad got there.

Un-fucking-believable. I talked to her, and of course, she has no recollection of anything but being at the hospital where they treated her for alcohol poisoning after her dad picked her up.

In summary, instead of spending what little time she has with her boyfriend, my girlfriend decides to get wasted, go to busy bar in a major metropolitan area, leave/lose track of all her friends shortly after getting there, disappears for two hours, and is found crawling around on a residential street in who-knows where part of town. No one has any idea where she was or what she was doing or who she was with for about 2 hours, including herself. No one will ever know.

I'm just dumbfounded. I can't believe this behavior and I really have no idea what to do about it or her. I do, however, know for sure now that she needs some professional attention/treatment. If we were married, I'd look at this as some major opportunity to help her grow and become a better person. But shit, all this fear and stress she causes for me, I almost don't think its worth it. And the funny part is, if I leave her for this shit, I'm the bad guy because I didn't care about her enough to help her through it.

You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

that is what she has parents for.
If you are truly concerned, have a chat with the parents and spill your guts to them, if you are unable to talk to them or they won't talk with you, then it is not necessary to stick around.