breaking up

[ELIMINATOR]

My ex-fiancé and I broke up about 8 months ago and I still miss her. I hate that I still have feelings for her, if there was I pill I could take to not miss her I would.

Our relationship was so special; we lived together for 5 years. I was only 16 (she was 18) when we got together and we spent almost every day together since we first met. Now I find myself lost and lonely.

I’m planning on enrolling into college this winter, so I can start a new life without her. However, I find myself depressed from not having her and the life I once had. Some days are worse then others; today for example all I can think about is her and the life we had together, it even prompted me to write this.

Most people said to go out and try and meet someone new, so I tried, and it didn’t work. I have met three different girls since the break up and it helps to have sex with someone new, but I still feel very empty inside. One of the girls even treated me like I was some type of God, but it wasn’t my ex, so I just wasn’t into it.

A good friend told me that in about six months I would have no feeling left for my ex and that I would be a new man. That never happened, and I don’t want to go on feeling like this. I have never been depressed in my life, up until now. My mom suggested I go on anti-depressants, what do you think, good or bad idea? I don’t feel like I need them, but some days I feel like it would help.

Anyway, I could go on all day, give me some suggestions and maybe some past stories that you had with this type of situation.

 

[Nemesis79]

anti depressants bad idea...bodybuilding good idea..go on some juice get jacked and forget it..I know it's hard..i felt the same way..but there's plenty of different women..play the field..your bound to fall in love and want to have a full well rounded life with one..

just my humble 2iu's hehe Gh

 

[zephyr22]

Well I was in a simular situation....

I was dead in love. I had been with this girl about 2years. Well she broke it off. She said she just had feelings for her ex still and didnt want me to get caught up in this. I felt empty and alone. I believe in the rule of half. The rule of half goes like this. It takes half the time to get over a relationship. For example if you were with her for 2 years i takes a year to get over it. It will get better i promise.

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Eliminator, that is a tough situation.

Especially since it was a long term relationship and you were so young when it began. Can you tell us what the cause of the break up was? Just briefly, what do you think the problem was?

And, no, I don't think the meds are the answer. That's about as good as going out and getting drunk every night. When you are through medicating yourself the feelings are still there. Let's see if we can do something constructive. Hell, even choosing to write your issue in this forum feels better than doing nothing but feeling sad, right?

Sigmund Roid

 

[ELIMINATOR]

Especially since it was a long term relationship and you were so young when it began. Can you tell us what the cause of the break up was? Just briefly, what do you think the problem was?

And, no, I don't think the meds are the answer. That's about as good as going out and getting drunk every night. When you are through medicating yourself the feelings are still there. Let's see if we can do something constructive. Hell, even choosing to write your issue in this forum feels better than doing nothing but feeling sad, right?

Sigmund Roid

The reason why we broke up is still to this day somewhat confusing, but here goes. In our relationship we both lived the bbing life style of not partying much, only drinking once in awhile ect. However, her friends were the opposite, they went out every weekend and sometimes went out during the week. My ex never said that she wanted to go out more, until the last month of being together. At that time it seemed to be a bigger issue and i wasnt really into going out more, so in turn, this caused conflict, and we had a few blow ups because of it. One of the blow ups was pretty bad, i called her a lot of bad names and we didnt talk for a week. Then, towards the end of the week she flat out said that it was time to move on, and that we both had changed too much, and neither she nor I were the same people when we first met. Once she told me that she wanted to end it, i realized that i made some mistakes so i tried to make it work, but it didn’t work and i moved out of the area.

What I think it boils down to is that she wanted to experience life without being tied down and unfortunately, that meant leaving me.

Also, I didn’t mention in the beginning, but about a month and a half ago I found out she had cancer, so once I heard, it was like pouring salt in an old wound. I’m debating about calling or e-mailing her, but we split on bad terms, and I tried so much to get her back, so to me it doesn’t seem worth it.

Nevertheless, not a day goes by though, that I don’t think about her well-being and whether or not she is going to live or die. I have tried to do the whole, “I hate her she broke up with me” thing, but deep down I still have a lot of feelings for her. Its just hard, because I highly doubt she has any feeling left for me, and if she does have any feelings for me, why hasn’t she reached out to me? And just so all of you know, the only reason I found out is because for some weird reason my mom wanted to contact her.

With all that said, I think I will just concentrate on lifting, eating, and school. The past is the past right? Today, was a good day, so I hope tomorrow is even better.

 

[Conan21]

Same thing happened to me. I'm ur age as well I was with my ex for about 4 years. was with her all the time. Broke up with me and never looked back. No Merry Christmas. Happy Birthday. or how are you doing. Hurt me pretty bad. I didn't have doubt i was going to marry her either. and it was b/c she wanted to go out to clubs with frineds IMO.

I think its rough for a person to get so attached to their first "real" girl friend and lose ur first love. I just don't feel it would have been as hard for me if i would have had more gfs in the past and just got my feelings hurt a lil bit before hand but i started dating her when i was 16 or 17. kind of like all I knew.

I kinda got caught up in blaming it all on myself and how she was so great. But I'm sure if you think about it. She was a big part of the problem as well and she wasn't perfect either. she definately had her flaws.

Just think of it as her loss bro. and if she wants to be a bitch and not even talk to you or show u any kind of respect now then i'm sure it will come back to her someday in someway.

 

[MikeS]

The first lost love is by far the worst. You learn alot, but you also develop a 'shield' to protect yourself from being nieve. Its a terrible process. And its better to not obsess on 'fixing' the pain by finding a replacement girl. Be outgoing and meet alot of people. But dont press to hard. You will scare the right person off. Just as you begin to really feel comfortable and happy being alone-women will come to you. Trust me this will probably happen to you again and again, until you find a wife/mate. Even then there is seperation/divorce (where Im at now-seperation). It always hurts but a little less each time. And you get stronger and learn so much about life. Too bad it has to be so hard and painful to get strong and learn. You know the saying-what doesnt kill you makes you stronger!

 

[vitor]

I

I have been there, dont that, and honestly the best thing to do is replace her asap. Try to keep busy, work out, eat good feel good about yourself, women like men are a dime a dozen, she is your first not your last.

 

[marshall]

Been there too bro (w/out the serious health issue though)...have to agree with everyone else, it's tough to let the 1st one go, and it's tougher when they are the first to decide to move on. (even if deep down you wanted to move on also).

We split after almost 8 yrs, it died a slow death, but when the reality kicks in that's over, and that's the only love you've ever known, it gets tough. It just
takes time bro. I never had any rebound to help at the time, and soon after I moved across the country to be with my family, so for a long time I had no friends to hang out with to hang out with and help. I just persevered, but I made it, and you will too.

I suggest just meeting people, going out on dates...it will take a while to find
someone else that hits it with you, but you will. Just keep meeting people. I
am so fortunate that I didn't get stuck with my 1st girlfriend, I'm glad I've moved on in life and met others...you will be too in the end.

 

[bigbaldbulldog]

i have been there a few times and when i met Amyin 1990 i knew she was the one for me... after 4 years i was not the one for her...sucked and i was in therepy for a few years...best thing i ever did was get advice from my dad for free ..he said " you may of lost a lover but don't loose your best friend .. there comes a time in your life when you must learn to grow up a discover a new level of love...be happy for her and support"....Amy has been and still is a huge part of my life and i am happy to say she is my best friend 10 years later still...We have lunch 1-2 times a year and talk 6 times a year...I still love her and a part of me always will want her but i am glad that we never lost the friendship...Don't loose the friendship...good luck

 

[vitor]

bigbaldbull

I agree with you bigbadbulldog in a way but in a way I dont. TO me cutting her off is the best thing,I work in a predomintely spanish office. My close friend is from el salvador, spain, and brazil. When me and my girl broke it off he laid it down to me like this.

"If she wants to break up or have time apart she doesnt love you"
"WOmen arent stupid they wouldnt just end a relationship before having something else, or some sort of fall back plan"
"Be a man, dont call her, write her, if she calls you saying why havent you called tell her you were moving on, and being a man about it, have a quick chat and then tell her you got to go"
"Part of being a man about it is to just go out and fuck something new, and best case scenario her friends will see you with a new peice of ass and run back and tell her"
"IF you do get a chanche to fuck her, pound the hell out of her, Hell if you can put it in her ass do it, then put your clothes on and leave"
"IF she says lets get back together, tell her you need your space, as you have been reading/learning alot about your job, career, a new busienss or soemthing, let her realize how smart and successful you are going to be and how she missed the train"

Just Say No people who are careless with your feelings will do it over and over again, i mean if you were not good enough 1 month ago what changed now?

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Eliminator.

You sound like a good person to me! Many people would be too prideful to admit that they still care about someone who had treated them so badly. I think those are great personality characteristics to have: Unselfishness, kindness. Very cool. You care about her and that's commendable. Since you did try so hard to get her back and she didn't want the relationship [being tied down, etc] That wouldn't stop you from sending her a card stating that you are NOT trying to resume the relationship, but that you still care about her and feel bad that she has cancer. She might also have felt like she didn't want to contact you after treating you badly. [Hey, I am back and have cancer! p.s. sorry about being a shithead, but now I need you."] That senario might have been rolling around in her head, Eliminator. You never know what folks are thinking. She needed more freedom, now she has it.

What's been going on lately? Have things changed for you at all?

 

[Nemesis79]

i agree with everyone esp sig roid bbulldog and vitor..remember you were talking bout school get back in and study your ass off..succeed.. I was with this girl in my college years..and now i'm out trying to get into my doc program..doing some grad work..real estate etc..somehow she heard of all the crazy things i'm doing..and we talked..well i laid it down to her same way vitor said i said i gotta go i'm busy etc.. You can see the regret on their face..and that's beautiful..also she knows about the hot brazillian mama i'm seeing and that's very nice..

all these things are a way to cope..but I know deep down inside you want a good woman that'll love you and be your soulmate hell i still feel like that....but all the other stuff is just to pass the time..eventually someone good will come
hang in there..we're all still young but getting older..plan wisely and you will be successful.
later

 

[cal]

breaking up sucks...plain and simple, just takes a lot of time...esp if it was someone you were really in love with...every aspect...

still think about it myself, almost two years later...ironically it was completely my fault, i did the breaking up, but honestly i go hurt almost as much as she did...

i think honestly that just going out etc...and getting laid, actually made it much harder for me, just made me think how much better she was than these random girls who i had no feelings for, ..in every way...

guess i was afraid of being too dependent on her for emotional support etc...when in fact she did and would have done just about ANYTHING for me...so it was unwarranted my fears...etc

live and learn i suppose

 

[John bench]

Wow good post vitor.

I agree with you bigbadbulldog in a way but in a way I dont. TO me cutting her off is the best thing,I work in a predomintely spanish office. My close friend is from el salvador, spain, and brazil. When me and my girl broke it off he laid it down to me like this.

"If she wants to break up or have time apart she doesnt love you"
"WOmen arent stupid they wouldnt just end a relationship before having something else, or some sort of fall back plan"
"Be a man, dont call her, write her, if she calls you saying why havent you called tell her you were moving on, and being a man about it, have a quick chat and then tell her you got to go"
"Part of being a man about it is to just go out and fuck something new, and best case scenario her friends will see you with a new peice of ass and run back and tell her"
"IF you do get a chanche to fuck her, pound the hell out of her, Hell if you can put it in her ass do it, then put your clothes on and leave"
"IF she says lets get back together, tell her you need your space, as you have been reading/learning alot about your job, career, a new busienss or soemthing, let her realize how smart and successful you are going to be and how she missed the train"

Just Say No people who are careless with your feelings will do it over and over again, i mean if you were not good enough 1 month ago what changed now?

 

[vitor]

nemesis, My girl is brazilian too, but too americanized, doesnt worship me

Im going to brazil with my buddies for 10days in mid march early april, if you all are still heartbroken try to come down and meet us down their. I dont advocate sleeping with hookers but lots of my friends have had 5 somes, yes 5 chicks for like 250 American dollars and these were hot hot hot girls.

I just go down their to eat, relax unwind, shop, maybe drop 250 but the women are amazing, the weather is, its cheap as hell, like lobster, filet mignon, a bottle of wine might cost like 35$

We would get up, eat breakfast, goto the beach, a little guy would come up, lay some chairs and blankets out, bring a huge cooler with beer, water, soda, and cold coconuts which you cut open and drink the water. If your hungry he will get you food, want a girl he will get you a girl, want some paddle balls, he will get it for you, this isnt the hotel, just some business man down there.

Go

 

[PharmD27]

Breaking up is never easy. Take it in stride.

The easiest way is also the hardest.

Find out the real reasons if you can as to why she broke up with you. If she was seeing someone else, that'll sting more. But moreover, you'll get onto the road of recovery so much faster.

Is that back burner thing in all her relationships? THen maybe she doesn't gete love.

Beingtoo young, too crazy, too home bound, too party-like. That's rarel a good excuse after a few months of dating. You should aceept those thigs or move on. Those are bs answers.

If you even need help call us.

I agree tho. Antidepressants are not the answer in this case unless you feel depressed AND have 1) loss of interest in things that used to be fun 2) problems sleeping or sleeping too much 3) Excessive guilty feelings 4) Loss of Energy 5) Loss of Concentration 6) Your muscles don't work like they used to (walking even feels funny 7) Any thoughts of suicide (with or without a plan).

If you have the depressed mood more days than not and 5 of those 7, then that defines depression and you should be seen right away.

Otherwise, time heals all wounds. That which does not kill us, hoepfully will kill those heartless bitches.

 

[DamageInc]

But I really want this girl!

<<< >>>

No, this is exactly the wrong attitude. If she is your only prospect, the one you're thinking about day and night, you keep playing different scenarios of approaching her and making her like you in your mind over and over again - that's called desperation. And it'll show. She's gonna see it (consciously or subconsciously) and nothing repels girls more than a desperate guy. That's why you have to be chasing multiple girls at any given time, so if one of them gives you trouble, the heck with her, you have other girls wanting to be down with you

But the really good part is this - the ones giving you trouble can sense instantly that you're not phased by it, you're displaying none of the usual signs of despair, heart-ache, supplication etc. You just don't give a damn, you just don't have time to give a damn, you're got too much action going on elsewhere. Guess what? This is exactly what suddenly makes you desirable in their eyes Mystery: "Notice how a man who gets girls gets MORE girls while a man who has nothing continues to get nothing?".

A standard question in ASF: "I really-really want this girl, she is so special, what can I do to make her want me!?"
A standard answer in ASF: "Make love to at least 10 other girls, then see if you still want this girl and think she is so special"

Mr Happy, ASF: "Do not ever fixate on any one woman, it turns her off. To lay her, she must believe that you like to fuck women, that you would like to fuck her, but that you don't NEED her because you have all kinds of women all over you.

[The good way to gain such an attitude is to] go out and approach 12 women a day, 4 days/nights a week. That's 48 women a week. Your skills will undergo massive improvement with such practice. You should always be able to blow off any woman to go pick up another one. If you won't put in the effort, you will not get the results. And if you won't even put in the effort, then you are a pussy and evolution is weeding you out. If you DO put in the effort, you WILL improve and get great results."

Allen Thompson, Don Juan newsletter:

"Obsessing about a particular girl, and whether or not she likes you, is the KISS OF DEATH! If you're worrying about whether a girl likes you or not, chances are she doesn't - or rather, SHE WON'T. She won't because your "worry" and your obsession with what she thinks of you will actually push her away. When you let yourself fall into the "obsession" trap, you begin to analyze everything your dream girl does, every word she says, every move she makes... and try to relate them all to you. She smiled at you - she didn't smile at you. She emailed you - she didn't email you. She returned your call - she didn't return your call. Confusion, frustration, and anxiety result."

And not just for you. If she comes to know that you're obsessing about her, she will also know, that you'll be analysing her every move in relation to you. Which will invariably make her uncomfortable. She can't be herself anymore, she can't relax and feel free in your proximity/company. Knowing that you're obsessing, she will feel anxiety, discomfort and maybe even fear when you're around. And on all occasions, she will want to get away, further away from the source of her anxiety, further away from you.

Well, but there's this rather slight and slim possibility, that she's also obsessing about you, right? I mean, people sometimes do end up with people who have initially been obsessed about them, and they live happily ever after, right? Yeah right, in fairy-tales they do. In real life however, if you want her, do something, anything, preferably of course something suggested elsewhere in this guide, and quick. But once you let yourself become obsessed and act under the influence of that - you're doomed. And this is also where the standard ASF suggestion of "spend some intimite time with ten other girls before you get back to this "special" girl again" stems from. Because once you're accomplished that, you'll ease up on the obsession, you will feel relaxed and comfortable (and as moods are contagious, so will she), she in turn will be more comfortable about getting close to you, and now that you're filled with calm confidence ("heck, even if she doesn't dig me enuff, I've just been with ten girl and can get laid at will anyway, so let's just have fun with this") you will be able to handle her more proficiently

 

[ELIMINATOR]

Update

Just for a little up date. With missing her it comes and goes. Also, i havent seen her in months, so i really am just living my life and i will continue to do so.

F*ck her, she gave up somthing great. Its her loss, not mine. She will see this one day, because most guys are going to f*ck around with her and not treat her nearly as good as i treated her.

I had a good x-mas and to see the chicks my cousins are getting, i think i will find better than her anyways.

 

[vitor]

Can I get an AMEn, Move on, get your rocks off and eventully you will find something better. I am not going to get to serious till I meet that woman that I will do anything for, and want to do everything with. Most of the times when someone gets dumped, they are more upset about the rejection and the idea that they failed this relationship more over then it was the great or not.