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Sunday, August 26, 2007
Little Al's 10 step guide to being the 'Bad Ass' @ your next comp
There are plenty of articles around the net and in our favourite magazines in regards to how to properly compose yourself during a contest. How to behave, what to wear, how to pose etc. That's great but what about the Jerks out there that have a hard time behaving themselves.?
The people who are not on stage to be sportsman like or are there for the love of the sport, they just want to win and for everyone to bow down and show some respect and if you get in there way....watch out bitch!
So after a long hard think about it I am going down the top 10 ways ( starting from 10 ) to be a total bad ass on stage.
10. Wear Black - The bad guy always wears black, prime example Darth Vader and he is the baddest guy in the fricking Galaxy, I mean in Empire Strikes back he killed Captain Needa for no reason he 'claimed' that Captain Needa came out of hyperspace too close and set off the sensors on the hidden rebel base but we all know that's not true. So Black trunks and a black tracksuit when you get there maybe even some dark glasses and your are off to a good start.
9. Complain about paying to enter the show at the weigh in - Remember you are the bad ass superstar, you are god like. Say something really loud so everyone can hear it like "What the fuck 25 bucks, mate they should be paying me to compete!" Yeah that's good. I can't believe they are thinking about taking your money people like you should be guest posing at these shows not competing.
8. Don't acknowledge any other competitor - He's got 5 State titles? Who gives a shit? He's never faced anyone like you, we're not impressed by his awesome muscularity and maturity he's no where in your league. Don't say hello to any other competitor and if anyone comes up to you and says "You're looking great" just say something cool like "I know" and then walk off.
7. Upset the shows sponsors - They are nothing to you anyway, wait till someone is at their stand looking at a product then mention loudly how you can purchase better products at a cheaper price online at bodybuilding.com. Walk away and smile because what you just did was right.
6. Elbow Bash the guy/gal next to you in prejudging - If they can't take it screw them, it's your time and you need to be ahead in the mind game department. If that means raising an elbow during a back double bicep so be it. Be prepared to cop a bit of bad press with that one though as it doesn't impress the judges...luckily they are a pack of "never have beens" so you just laugh when they warn you.
5. Yell out 'COME ON' when you are not called out - You're the frickin best thing going at the show and they are not putting you in a call out? Fuck that, make it loud and clear that you are not happy by putting your hands on your hips and rolling your eyes. Hang on better yet just walk out when they don't call your number and when they say "No not you" say something like "Oh I thought you only wanted to see good bodybuilders" then walk off. Nice
4. Overposing you're new best friend - When they call out a rear lat spread you take your sweet ass time, start by clapping your hands together then do that move that shows the Christmas tree, hold it for 5 seconds...no wait, 10 seconds then slowly release the left lat and then the right lat it should all take about 40 seconds. 40 seconds and the judges will love each one of them. Abs and thigh I want you there shaking your quads and twisting your torso there are about 8 variations to this pose I don't see why you shouldn't hit each one of them at least once
3. No matter what they will stuff your music up - A routine goes for a minute but you are an exception. You should be able to pose for as long as you want because you are the baddest mother alive. Half your routine should be posing, the other half should be you demanding more applause from the audience. When they cut you off make sure you are on center stage and start shaking your head, tell the first few rows that there was another track but they cut it off.
2. Posedown more like pushdown - This one's very important so take note, as soon as the pose down music begins start pushing people wildly out of the way and hitting most musculars if anyone gets within a 5 meter radius you need to push them, it will keep you busy but the people have to know who's really in charge of this show. If anyone tries to have a laugh and push you back take offense and say "What is this shit?" then push him back and say "Just pose over there man, with the rest of the children" that will definitely keep him at bay.
1. Trophy = Bin - No matter what the result, even if it's first place you will not be happy. The Trophy needs to be in the bin within 1 minute of receiving it. The only thing I can think of that will satisfy your thirst for praise would be for the promoter to award you a pro card and to rename the show after your name. When they are taking the photos for the magazines just grimace at the camera. The camera person ain't paying you why should he get a smile? If some chick comes out to award you a prize and give you a kiss don't kiss back just shake your head and push the prize out of the way.
Ok well I hope this helps out with your new contest preparation. I'm sure there are other creative things you can think of to make yourself a little more evil but these 10 steps will get you a good result each time.
Little Al's 10 step guide to being the 'Bad Ass' @ your next comp
There are plenty of articles around the net and in our favourite magazines in regards to how to properly compose yourself during a contest. How to behave, what to wear, how to pose etc. That's great but what about the Jerks out there that have a hard time behaving themselves.?
The people who are not on stage to be sportsman like or are there for the love of the sport, they just want to win and for everyone to bow down and show some respect and if you get in there way....watch out bitch!
So after a long hard think about it I am going down the top 10 ways ( starting from 10 ) to be a total bad ass on stage.
10. Wear Black - The bad guy always wears black, prime example Darth Vader and he is the baddest guy in the fricking Galaxy, I mean in Empire Strikes back he killed Captain Needa for no reason he 'claimed' that Captain Needa came out of hyperspace too close and set off the sensors on the hidden rebel base but we all know that's not true. So Black trunks and a black tracksuit when you get there maybe even some dark glasses and your are off to a good start.
9. Complain about paying to enter the show at the weigh in - Remember you are the bad ass superstar, you are god like. Say something really loud so everyone can hear it like "What the fuck 25 bucks, mate they should be paying me to compete!" Yeah that's good. I can't believe they are thinking about taking your money people like you should be guest posing at these shows not competing.
8. Don't acknowledge any other competitor - He's got 5 State titles? Who gives a shit? He's never faced anyone like you, we're not impressed by his awesome muscularity and maturity he's no where in your league. Don't say hello to any other competitor and if anyone comes up to you and says "You're looking great" just say something cool like "I know" and then walk off.
7. Upset the shows sponsors - They are nothing to you anyway, wait till someone is at their stand looking at a product then mention loudly how you can purchase better products at a cheaper price online at bodybuilding.com. Walk away and smile because what you just did was right.
6. Elbow Bash the guy/gal next to you in prejudging - If they can't take it screw them, it's your time and you need to be ahead in the mind game department. If that means raising an elbow during a back double bicep so be it. Be prepared to cop a bit of bad press with that one though as it doesn't impress the judges...luckily they are a pack of "never have beens" so you just laugh when they warn you.
5. Yell out 'COME ON' when you are not called out - You're the frickin best thing going at the show and they are not putting you in a call out? Fuck that, make it loud and clear that you are not happy by putting your hands on your hips and rolling your eyes. Hang on better yet just walk out when they don't call your number and when they say "No not you" say something like "Oh I thought you only wanted to see good bodybuilders" then walk off. Nice
4. Overposing you're new best friend - When they call out a rear lat spread you take your sweet ass time, start by clapping your hands together then do that move that shows the Christmas tree, hold it for 5 seconds...no wait, 10 seconds then slowly release the left lat and then the right lat it should all take about 40 seconds. 40 seconds and the judges will love each one of them. Abs and thigh I want you there shaking your quads and twisting your torso there are about 8 variations to this pose I don't see why you shouldn't hit each one of them at least once
3. No matter what they will stuff your music up - A routine goes for a minute but you are an exception. You should be able to pose for as long as you want because you are the baddest mother alive. Half your routine should be posing, the other half should be you demanding more applause from the audience. When they cut you off make sure you are on center stage and start shaking your head, tell the first few rows that there was another track but they cut it off.
2. Posedown more like pushdown - This one's very important so take note, as soon as the pose down music begins start pushing people wildly out of the way and hitting most musculars if anyone gets within a 5 meter radius you need to push them, it will keep you busy but the people have to know who's really in charge of this show. If anyone tries to have a laugh and push you back take offense and say "What is this shit?" then push him back and say "Just pose over there man, with the rest of the children" that will definitely keep him at bay.
1. Trophy = Bin - No matter what the result, even if it's first place you will not be happy. The Trophy needs to be in the bin within 1 minute of receiving it. The only thing I can think of that will satisfy your thirst for praise would be for the promoter to award you a pro card and to rename the show after your name. When they are taking the photos for the magazines just grimace at the camera. The camera person ain't paying you why should he get a smile? If some chick comes out to award you a prize and give you a kiss don't kiss back just shake your head and push the prize out of the way.
Ok well I hope this helps out with your new contest preparation. I'm sure there are other creative things you can think of to make yourself a little more evil but these 10 steps will get you a good result each time.
