Having trouble getting past Wife's affair

[Gators]

Every situation is different, there are tons of marriages that have survived an affair and more that haven't. Best advice i can give is listen to your gut, trust your intuition. Be an example to your girls how a man should conduct himself, regardless of the outcome.

 

[matt1164]

if this guy threatens you, you can get a restraining order against him.

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

Every situation is different, there are tons of marriages that have survived an affair and more that haven't. Best advice i can give is listen to your gut, trust your intuition. Be an example to your girls how a man should conduct himself, regardless of the outcome.

Picture perfect wording. Love it.

 

[ldog40]

hey everyone, its been a while since i was on the board. the past year and a half i have spent opening and running my first gym. that plays into the story here which is why i mention it. so i have been extremely busy as the owner, employee, trainer, buyer, janitor, etc etc etc.

But, my wife and I knew going into this what we would have to do in order to have this become the major company we planned for with 5 locations. (still working on that, not part of the story). So anyhow she has a job about an hour away that she hates with a passion. She loves the work just not the people she does it with. And although we have always had a very passionate relationship the past year has been extremely tough. The intimacy really died off but I didnt think much of it becuase we are both so tired from work and we have 3 kids as well.

Well a few months ago she started flirting with this asshole guy that works around where her office is. He was very flirty with her and she did not do anything to stop it and it came down to him asking her on a date. Now he did know she was married btw. She said no because she didnt want to risk an affair. But then he told her he was married too and she apparently felt more comfortable with the whole thing since there were no strings.

Their relationship went from a few emails a week to where they were sending literally (i have the records) 80-90 text messages every every single day to each other! There were some days where the entire day of work was nothing more thn sexual texts back and forth for 6 or 7 hours at a time! Including pornographic pictures. Sent and received from both of them. And I am having a very hard time getting past this thing. They both swear they never ever had any physical contact. I did confront him. And like the fucking pussy ass bitch that most guys are that try to fuck a married woman, he backed down from me and begged me to let him apologize. Fucking loser!

If it had been nothing more than some flirty words maybe I could have gotten over it at some point. But the naked pictures? I feel she crossed a very serious line there. But then the messages werent just flirty, they were exceptionally graphic and sexual.

Has anyone here ever dealt with this or been through it? How did you come out of it? I am trying to stay around because I do love her very very much and I dont want to hurt our kids. But the trust is broken and I am totally wrecked. Thanks for any advice. And I am sorry this was so long. I tried to shorten it.

I have been through the same situation. That's why I'm no longer married. To add to it, he was a childhood "friend" and a deacon at our church. I, honestly, haven't read through the other posters responses, but my take on it is this - even thought it didn't get physical, she still cheated within the parameters of what you consider acceptable in your relationship and the trust has been broken. The question you have to ask is, can you see yourself trusting her again? If you can, figure out how you can get back to that point and let her know, it won't be easy and she can expect to deal with going through hell to get it back. She not only violated your trust, but as man, she also violated your ego and showed you disrespect. People can get as New Age and tree hugger as they want, but that's the way men are wired. We need to know the woman we love respects us. If you can't see her regaining your trust, save yourself and her a whole lot of heartache and figure out how to move on with your life without her.

 

[-TOXIC-]

So the guy (after you confront him he says how sorry he is on tape and on paper) then tells you since his wife left him "Im still going to contact YOUR wife"??? Dude, dont wait for him to show up, GO FIND HIM and beat the shit out of him. Yes he is allowed to contact your wife, however there are also consequences for every action someone makes. Show him a consequence. Thast just me.

 

[Simpllyhuge]

The OP is in the legal right at the moment, if he goes around beating people up he jeopardizes his finances and freedom.

 

[Riffer1]

My feelings on this are as such:

No offense to women in general or those on the board, but they can be very deceitful under the guise of trust. Once lying has been confirmed where there is no possibility of denial, their remorse should be to the point where they can barely stand to look in the mirror.

You never answered why she was arguing with you still and while we are at it, you never mentioned how you busted her in the first place. I busted an old girlfriend by going through her phone while she slept. I had my suspicions for awhile she was up to something, and I quickly confirmed it. I had let her off the hook before for dishonesty and major lies, but I still convinced myself it wasn't that big of a deal as long as she was remorseful and promised not to do it again.

Her situation was a bit similar, she was addicted to online contact through dating sites. She liked the attention she got from texting, even though she wasn't banging them. We had originally met on a dating site and she missed talking to guys on there so she created new accounts (some without pics or lying about her profile) but I could always find her if I wanted too and got suspicious.

Texting guys (even though not dirty on her end) was cheating, plain and simple. Even though I loved her - there were extenuating circumstances where I loved her son with cerebral palsy - the last time was the last straw. Now, we didn't have the history or kids together like you do, so it is not the same scenario. All I can say is I still feel like a real dickhead for letting her get away with that type of behavior and trusting her again.

She violated my trust, continually lied about it and did it again. My feeling is if someone screws up like your wife did, she has dues to pay big time. It doesn't sound to me like she is going to pay them or even wants to unless you perpetuate it. By perpetuating it, I mean more than by being around her and pouting occasionally, I mean by leaving for good and seeing if she comes chasing you legitimately.

I can tell you love her and she is your best friend, so this is not an easy decision but it is eating you alive. I would prepare to move on with my life, get the kids acclimated to what is going on and basically let her know that what she did is not forgivable. You are plenty young enough to move on with your life with another gal, they are there everywhere in there forties and many have kids also. People meet all the time and end up sharing their lives together after hurtful divorces.

Bottom line is, many women for some reason or another believe that they do no wrong. Why? Because they said so. They can be the best liars ever and believe their own lies. Even when they are caught they aren't remorseful. I do think it is possible for someone to cheat once and never do it again, but the guilt they should feel should resonate for quite awhile. She does not appear to be exhibiting that behavior by your description.

I think you should hold her more accountable, and like another poster said, leave her and see what her answer is. Don't worry about if she is doing anything untrustworthy, just move on with your life and see if she comes to her senses and begs for you to forgive her for real. You will be able to tell if she really means it. My two cents and good luck, truly sorry she hurt you like that. Also, I wouldn't concern yourself with the other guy, he won't bother you or her I suspect.

 

[KROD]

hey brother... i will only speak based on my own experiences..im not saying this is the correct advise but if she went that far let her go..she fucked you over and she will do it again....once they decide to go for it once they will do it again..i slept with a lot married women , they all said the same thing to me i do love my hubby but im not in love with him ...im NOT proud of the shit ive done...nor i never i did it to destroy a home...they just offered themselves to me , i knew my role was as a toy boy with a body and dick but fuck , believe me or not i felt sorry for the hubbies for marrying such bitches....

 

[thestingray]

hey everyone, its been a while since i was on the board. the past year and a half i have spent opening and running my first gym. that plays into the story here which is why i mention it. so i have been extremely busy as the owner, employee, trainer, buyer, janitor, etc etc etc.

But, my wife and I knew going into this what we would have to do in order to have this become the major company we planned for with 5 locations. (still working on that, not part of the story). So anyhow she has a job about an hour away that she hates with a passion. She loves the work just not the people she does it with. And although we have always had a very passionate relationship the past year has been extremely tough. The intimacy really died off but I didnt think much of it becuase we are both so tired from work and we have 3 kids as well.

Well a few months ago she started flirting with this asshole guy that works around where her office is. He was very flirty with her and she did not do anything to stop it and it came down to him asking her on a date. Now he did know she was married btw. She said no because she didnt want to risk an affair. But then he told her he was married too and she apparently felt more comfortable with the whole thing since there were no strings.

Their relationship went from a few emails a week to where they were sending literally (i have the records) 80-90 text messages every every single day to each other! There were some days where the entire day of work was nothing more thn sexual texts back and forth for 6 or 7 hours at a time! Including pornographic pictures. Sent and received from both of them. And I am having a very hard time getting past this thing. They both swear they never ever had any physical contact. I did confront him. And like the fucking pussy ass bitch that most guys are that try to fuck a married woman, he backed down from me and begged me to let him apologize. Fucking loser!

If it had been nothing more than some flirty words maybe I could have gotten over it at some point. But the naked pictures? I feel she crossed a very serious line there. But then the messages werent just flirty, they were exceptionally graphic and sexual.

Has anyone here ever dealt with this or been through it? How did you come out of it? I am trying to stay around because I do love her very very much and I dont want to hurt our kids. But the trust is broken and I am totally wrecked. Thanks for any advice. And I am sorry this was so long. I tried to shorten it.

I went through almost the exact same thing a year ago. My wife is an ER nurse and had something similiar going on with a fireman via text. I found the guy and he cried like a baby and begged me not to do what i was there to do, and i just laughed at him and walked away. I figured him basically pissing himself like a whipped dog was bette than going to jail and losing my 3 kids, the youngest being 5 months at the time.

Try counseling and really look at whether or not she is trying to atone and if she wants to move forward. The figure out if you think you can get over it and if you want to move forward and move on.

Hang in there. its touigh but in time it passes.

 

[nikehotel]

Emotional affair is harder than just a hook up...hard to get past that. I don't think I could. I've never been in your shoes, but I would end it. Kids are better off with divorced happy parents vs miserable people trapped in bad marriage. Hope you get closure.

 

[GeNeTiKFiGhTR]

Emotional affair is harder than just a hook up...hard to get past that. I don't think I could. I've never been in your shoes, but I would end it. Kids are better off with divorced happy parents vs miserable people trapped in bad marriage. Hope you get closure.

Well said.


Sent from my iPhone 5 using Tapatalk

 

[triathloncoach]

Coach what exactly would you like to know more about my wife that could make anything she did valid in any sense? I suppose if I were a scumbag that beat her on a regular basis she could cheat. Although walking out would have been the smart choice. Which, btw, I was not and am not.

You want to know more about my wife? Ok. Ill give you the unbiased truth. My wife is a beautiful, smart, sexy, funny, charming, personable, amazing woman. She is probably the easiest person in the world to talk to because she is so nice. But along with that though is that she tends to be a bit flirtatious at times saying things for reaction. It is a negative trait that she knows she has and that she has worked on. She works very hard at a job she doesnt really like to do so that she can help support our family. She was my best friend. She was the one person I told everything to. She was my confidante. She doesnt have many hobbies because she can be somewhat lazy as she says. She knows working out makes her fee good and gives her positive energy and makes her confidence go way up, but she doesnt feel like it. So she doesnt. Even though we own a gym.
She is a great mom. one of the best in fact. She loves our children. But even though she loves them she has stuck them in front of the TV for hours at a time so she could go upstairs and exchange pornographic pictures with her little boyfriend and sexual messages.
The reality of our relationship is simple. I busted my ass and becuase of that I accept that I was not totally present all the time. I admit my fault here. But she was also not there for me at all during this time and did absolutely NOTHING to help me with the gym. Yet I didnt fuck anyone! My wife doesnt even know what our monthly contract prices are and she is half owner of the company!

And all through it I dont care. I dont care if my wife sits on a couch all day long and demands that I go to the store, do the laundry, feed the kids, clean the house, walk the dog, cook the meals, do the dishes, etc. I DONT CARE ABOUT THAT STUFF AND NEVER HAVE!! I would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for my wife becuase i love her so much. And she would readily and easily tell you the same. Bottom line here is that she wanted to feel good about herself and because my attention was on growing the business I wasnt giving her the attention she needed.

However, she also admits openly that she KNEW that if she had just said to me even one time "i really need more of your time or your attention" she knows that I would have shut off everything else and been there for her 100%. She made the choice not to do that. HER CHOICE. not mine.

Your wife is a narcissist. I know all about them. I don't believe that will change. And narcissists are amazingly skilled at finding a co-dependent. No one else would put up with them.

 

[monopoly]

Man I'm sorry to read this. Even bigger a bummer that you have kids.

I will say this. What happend is not your fault, at the end of the day it was still her decision to do what she did. Marriage is also a two way street, so after time it's only natural for people to seek affection if they are not getting it in their marriage at home.

A professional contact I know has been married for 10+ years with 2 kids. He has told me that once they were married and the kids were born, she stopped having sex with him. Been over 5 years since they had sex. He stays with her for the kids and tells me he has not cheated. I can tell you, if that was me, I sure as hell would be fucking other women regardless of any vows I took. This is also an extreme situation but the same rules apply.

Could I forgive me wife if she cheated on me? Not sure, I would like to think yes. If you still love her and she is showing remorse or sadness, try to make it work. I wish you the best of luck man!

 

[sean1982]

Reading through this thread has made me feel like an asshole. There's a girl at work I've been emailing with almost daily for a couple months, I didn't and don't have any intentions of taking it physical with her, but she is married with 2 young kids. At our company holiday party, a few people in her department mentioned she only came to hang out with me, they seem to think we're having a "thing". It surprised me, maybe i'm too naive, I thought we were just killing time chatting at work. Apparently her marriage has been going downhill, and I can't help but think I might be having something to do with it.

 

[raw33man]

Reading through this thread has made me feel like an asshole. There's a girl at work I've been emailing with almost daily for a couple months, I didn't and don't have any intentions of taking it physical with her, but she is married with 2 young kids. At our company holiday party, a few people in her department mentioned she only came to hang out with me, they seem to think we're having a "thing". It surprised me, maybe i'm too naive, I thought we were just killing time chatting at work. Apparently her marriage has been going downhill, and I can't help but think I might be having something to do with it.

No it doesn't work like that

most likely her marriage was going down already before she knew you and now she needs attention...

 

[renewlyf]

No it doesn't work like that

most likely her marriage was going down already before she knew you and now she needs attention...

or the marriage is on the rocks because she always needs attention from other guys!

 

[gabe walker]

I hate hearing about shit like this, unfortunately it happens all to often now days though..

Number one is you and your kids..they watch you, listen to you, model you, look up to you. love you. You going through intense pain and suffering, loosing who you thought was your best friend there are no words for.. the two of you were a team, at least you thought so, while you were busting your ass to make a better life and future for your family your partner was engaging in some teenage fantasy bullshit to satisfy her own selfish needs..

Obviously you love your wife and all she is including her faults(most) and I'm sure she loves you as well...You don't trust her and may never trust her again, that's not for you to rebuild that is for her to do..

If she is truly sorry, If she truly loves you, if she wants your marriage to survive then she is in for the fight of her life.. Counseling cannot fix that only she can... She needs to earn your trust by her actions, this will not go away, be forgotten, blow over with time... Every day she needs to wake up and think how can I earn my husbands trust back, what does he need me to do to fix this.. Yes she needs a counselor for her issues; selfishness, probably insecurities and self esteem issues as well, those are major ones for cheaters looking to fill their "void" in themselves...

Only by her actions will you trust her again.. see a counselor now not later, and if she thinks she doesn't well you need her to so she needs to get her ass in there yesterday...If you want to look at her phone, email, txt, she can't get upset.. Tell you where she is going and for how long, when leaving and going, she needs to come home when she says she will, check in frequently with you..

If you get mad then get mad, she has no right to stop that from happening or to get upset

I don't think she is willing to do all this... she seems to feel it's over and all good, water under the bridge, but you didn't violate your marriage vows she did and it's her job to rectify this..

It sucks, it hurts, I'd rather get the shit kicked out of me, but leaving now no matter how bad it is and how painful it is for you is the wrong thing to do..all you will be doing is delivering all that pain you feel to your kids....The countless nights crying themselves to sleep when you are not there, the "why is daddy leaving," "will he ever come back," "why are you getting a divorce," "I hate you both." I don't know how old they are but teens can be even worse..they have their own identity issues and throwing a divorce on top of that breeds anger, insecurity, contempt, "fuck everyone, they all leave, you can't trust anyone," Kids never ever recover from divorce, it is with them forever...It will shape their future relationships from then on..I'm sure half the members here have parents that are divorced..

All you can do is be the man you are, be the husband you are, and the father you are.. If you give an honest 100% effort you will make the right decisions, if you have to leave after then you will with no regrets... You don't need to bend over backwards, she does, if she is remorseful, and making an effort to work on your trust and marriage, doing all the things she needs to do then your part is to let her. If she is truly broken you can stand by while she heals herself and your marriage... who knows you both may be stronger for it.. Out of pain comes great strength, understanding, respect, but it takes effort on HER part not yours.... If she says I'm Ok whats your problem get over it, then she doesn't care and never will, it's over..

 

[surfbh]

Your not to blame, you have to make sacrifices to get what you want in life. Find another one, period.

 

[Mr.Sinister]

TAZ his wife left him and filed for divorce....take her lead and follow brother, I dont care how much you love or hurt on the inside for her, get the hell away from her.
She sounds just like my ex wife...I can only tell you the guilt trips and lies I heard about how my behavior "made" her act in certain ways, as if she has no self control or accountability here.
DUMP HER. She is worthless and I guarnatee that if you try to make this work she will DO IT AGAIN.

ajdos is right on the money

If he does happen to shoot me then I dont have to deal with all this emotional pain anymore. I win.

She suddenly doesnt think that therapy is that necessary since she knows her problem is that she is selfish. ?????? ummmm, ok.

This is reason for alarm bud.
Please see a councilor yourself, because you said you had 3 children and no woman who cheats is worth leaving your kids fatherless!!!

As for her. Document everything, get an expensive female divorce lawyer and go for the throat.

As for hommie, revenge is a dish best served very, very cold.
I waited years to settle one issue I had and no one is the wiser but me.

 

[mpjuice]

hey everyone, its been a while since i was on the board. the past year and a half i have spent opening and running my first gym. that plays into the story here which is why i mention it. so i have been extremely busy as the owner, employee, trainer, buyer, janitor, etc etc etc.

But, my wife and I knew going into this what we would have to do in order to have this become the major company we planned for with 5 locations. (still working on that, not part of the story). So anyhow she has a job about an hour away that she hates with a passion. She loves the work just not the people she does it with. And although we have always had a very passionate relationship the past year has been extremely tough. The intimacy really died off but I didnt think much of it becuase we are both so tired from work and we have 3 kids as well.

Well a few months ago she started flirting with this asshole guy that works around where her office is. He was very flirty with her and she did not do anything to stop it and it came down to him asking her on a date. Now he did know she was married btw. She said no because she didnt want to risk an affair. But then he told her he was married too and she apparently felt more comfortable with the whole thing since there were no strings.

Their relationship went from a few emails a week to where they were sending literally (i have the records) 80-90 text messages every every single day to each other! There were some days where the entire day of work was nothing more thn sexual texts back and forth for 6 or 7 hours at a time! Including pornographic pictures. Sent and received from both of them. And I am having a very hard time getting past this thing. They both swear they never ever had any physical contact. I did confront him. And like the fucking pussy ass bitch that most guys are that try to fuck a married woman, he backed down from me and begged me to let him apologize. Fucking loser!

If it had been nothing more than some flirty words maybe I could have gotten over it at some point. But the naked pictures? I feel she crossed a very serious line there. But then the messages werent just flirty, they were exceptionally graphic and sexual.

Has anyone here ever dealt with this or been through it? How did you come out of it? I am trying to stay around because I do love her very very much and I dont want to hurt our kids. But the trust is broken and I am totally wrecked. Thanks for any advice. And I am sorry this was so long. I tried to shorten it.

I have been through a similar thing (on some levels even much worse). However I don't have children, this becomes a tricky predicament. If the children are old enough I would say leave, because this sort of behavior is affecting you greatly and I don't believe that these people (cheaters) ever stop. And the lies s****** for several hours straight?!? "oh no we never fucked it was just the text messages" come on man you know better, what woman have you ever send porn to that you haven't fucked?

I hope you had her sign a prenup.