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Huge crossroads in my life, need encouragement/wisdom

RLara85

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Mar 27, 2009
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This is going to be a bit long, but If you have time I ask you please read it all, I need to give as much info as possible as I've hit what I feel has been one of the most eye-opening/life changing point in my life. I'm only 25 so I'd especially appreciate any encouraging words/wisdom/advice from the older folks here who have been around

As some of you know, five years ago I was diagnosed with severe panic disorder. I won't get into those details but just know it's so severe I am on disability and have mostly been house-bound for the past five years, I pushed away all my friends and the only people I would see were my ex-gf and my father, and that would be while tanked up on (illegally obtained) alprazolam, otherwise I could not even function. Aside from this I have a lot of issues with low self-esteem and even some mild depression stemming from a lot of childhood issues.

This is about my ex, whom I broke up with two months ago. I love her dearly, but God knows I treated that poor woman so terribly. Somewhere along the line of developing my illness I basically gave up on life and myself, I simply stopped trying. My poor girlfriend paid for this as I made no initiative to ever put forth any effort, I live at home and as much as she would beg to see me I would mostly ignore her, telling myself I was simply too sick.
She told me she didn't care if I vomited all over her or passed out or anything, that she would take care of me, she just wanted to spend time with me because she loved me...... out of fear, I usually denied, simply seeing her now and again when I was tanked up on medication. Not only this but I became a bitter person, an arrogant, materialistic person.... I would always put her down and put wealth and materialism above her, as I really felt that's all I had left in life.

You know what the pathetic part is? After all this, I DUMPED HER.... over some silly argument, she stuck with me through all this, and even after I dumped her she begged me back and I arrogantly walked away.

During these past two months another gentleman was there to pick her up when I dropped her, and she is now with him. The saying "you never know what you have until you lose it" finally hit home for me.
I hit the biggest depression of my life, and that's when things changed....

I was so low I got suicidal, she still talked to me and was worried, so she agreed to meet up with me to talk some sense into me. Apparantly seeing me again brought back all of her feelings as she now told me she was feeling very confused. At this point I suddenly realized what an idiot I've been all my life, how I had wasted every opportunity given to me, most recently being this wonderful woman who was practically a blessing in my life. I haven't believed in God for years, but for some strange reason I found myself falling to my knees and praying, asking the Lord for help, that I needed him to guide me.

I made a vow several days ago to stop complaining and put forth some action. This may not seem like much but I have never been able to see my ex (or anyone really) without first heavily medicating myself and waiting hours until I was literally on a complete high.... these past two days I went over to see her twice, on a whim, with no medication.... let me tell you guys, I was a mess, I felt like I was going to die... but I made myself a promise that if I was ever to win this lady back, I was going to have to put my money where my mouth is and for once show her that I would go through hell if I had to to make up for all my selfishness in the past, I don't care if I end up vomiting all over myself in the car or if I have to pull over 50 times because I feel sick, I would redeem myself.

This is where things took a bit of a wild twist. She has now admitted to me that she wants to be with me and is still very in love with me, however her new boyfriend is a very sweet man, currently just left to serve a few months over seas and she does not want to break his heart. She told me that deep down a part of her is basically waiting for him to mess up so she can have a reason to leave him because she wants to be with me. While this is painful, in a way it's one of the reasons I love her, she has a very strong moral character and is very kind and wishes no harm to anyone. And I must admit, this other gentleman has done nothing to deserve being hurt.

Well, last night, her and I met and we both gave into temptation....

She called me today very conflicted saying she felt terrible that she had cheated on him, yet she was crying and telling me she wants to be with me so much but that she can't break his heart and that she feels like a terrible person because deep down she is actually hoping he will mess up, cheat or do anything to give her an opportunity to leave and be with me, but she can't just break someone's heart who has done nothing but treat her good.

We agreed to continue to remain friends and seeing each other, she told me if I was strong enough to hold back because she admits she's in love with me and can't hold back if she sees me... I gave her my word that I would just see her to spend time with her and wouldn't let anything happen, and I did mean it.

So there it is guys, If you made it this far, thank you for listening to me.
The word love gets thrown around a lot but in my heart I honestly love her so deeply, I've always been a negative person and would normally just get angry and walk away..... I don't know why but something in my heart is telling me to hang in there and fight for her, I realize in the end I may not end up winning, but if she still has that passion in her heart for me I don't want to give up without giving 110% of what I have. I have always given up on things in life, but this time I want to do the opposite... this desire is born out of my love for her, but also to make myself a better person.

Any words of wisdom, encouragement, and even insults are appreciated. Does anyone think it is immoral of me to pursue this? She admits she can't control herself with me and if we keep seeing each other she will need me to push her away when she comes on to me, which I will do, I respect her a lot and if it's the price to pay for the way I treated her then I will do it.... but is it immoral that I am causing her to lust as well as keeping her love for me alive while she is with another? I certainly don't wish for the other gentleman to end up hurt, but I do admit that deep down a big part of me, actually all of me, is looking out for number one and my goal is indeed to end up together again.... and for some odd reason I feel strangely optimistic about it, though I'm normally a pessimist.
 

j4ever

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Jan 18, 2009
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This is going to be a bit long, but If you have time I ask you please read it all, I need to give as much info as possible as I've hit what I feel has been one of the most eye-opening/life changing point in my life. I'm only 25 so I'd especially appreciate any encouraging words/wisdom/advice from the older folks here who have been around

As some of you know, five years ago I was diagnosed with severe panic disorder. I won't get into those details but just know it's so severe I am on disability and have mostly been house-bound for the past five years, I pushed away all my friends and the only people I would see were my ex-gf and my father, and that would be while tanked up on (illegally obtained) alprazolam, otherwise I could not even function. Aside from this I have a lot of issues with low self-esteem and even some mild depression stemming from a lot of childhood issues.

This is about my ex, whom I broke up with two months ago. I love her dearly, but God knows I treated that poor woman so terribly. Somewhere along the line of developing my illness I basically gave up on life and myself, I simply stopped trying. My poor girlfriend paid for this as I made no initiative to ever put forth any effort, I live at home and as much as she would beg to see me I would mostly ignore her, telling myself I was simply too sick.
She told me she didn't care if I vomited all over her or passed out or anything, that she would take care of me, she just wanted to spend time with me because she loved me...... out of fear, I usually denied, simply seeing her now and again when I was tanked up on medication. Not only this but I became a bitter person, an arrogant, materialistic person.... I would always put her down and put wealth and materialism above her, as I really felt that's all I had left in life.

You know what the pathetic part is? After all this, I DUMPED HER.... over some silly argument, she stuck with me through all this, and even after I dumped her she begged me back and I arrogantly walked away.

During these past two months another gentleman was there to pick her up when I dropped her, and she is now with him. The saying "you never know what you have until you lose it" finally hit home for me.
I hit the biggest depression of my life, and that's when things changed....

I was so low I got suicidal, she still talked to me and was worried, so she agreed to meet up with me to talk some sense into me. Apparantly seeing me again brought back all of her feelings as she now told me she was feeling very confused. At this point I suddenly realized what an idiot I've been all my life, how I had wasted every opportunity given to me, most recently being this wonderful woman who was practically a blessing in my life. I haven't believed in God for years, but for some strange reason I found myself falling to my knees and praying, asking the Lord for help, that I needed him to guide me.

I made a vow several days ago to stop complaining and put forth some action. This may not seem like much but I have never been able to see my ex (or anyone really) without first heavily medicating myself and waiting hours until I was literally on a complete high.... these past two days I went over to see her twice, on a whim, with no medication.... let me tell you guys, I was a mess, I felt like I was going to die... but I made myself a promise that if I was ever to win this lady back, I was going to have to put my money where my mouth is and for once show her that I would go through hell if I had to to make up for all my selfishness in the past, I don't care if I end up vomiting all over myself in the car or if I have to pull over 50 times because I feel sick, I would redeem myself.

This is where things took a bit of a wild twist. She has now admitted to me that she wants to be with me and is still very in love with me, however her new boyfriend is a very sweet man, currently just left to serve a few months over seas and she does not want to break his heart. She told me that deep down a part of her is basically waiting for him to mess up so she can have a reason to leave him because she wants to be with me. While this is painful, in a way it's one of the reasons I love her, she has a very strong moral character and is very kind and wishes no harm to anyone. And I must admit, this other gentleman has done nothing to deserve being hurt.

Well, last night, her and I met and we both gave into temptation....

She called me today very conflicted saying she felt terrible that she had cheated on him, yet she was crying and telling me she wants to be with me so much but that she can't break his heart and that she feels like a terrible person because deep down she is actually hoping he will mess up, cheat or do anything to give her an opportunity to leave and be with me, but she can't just break someone's heart who has done nothing but treat her good.

We agreed to continue to remain friends and seeing each other, she told me if I was strong enough to hold back because she admits she's in love with me and can't hold back if she sees me... I gave her my word that I would just see her to spend time with her and wouldn't let anything happen, and I did mean it.

So there it is guys, If you made it this far, thank you for listening to me.
The word love gets thrown around a lot but in my heart I honestly love her so deeply, I've always been a negative person and would normally just get angry and walk away..... I don't know why but something in my heart is telling me to hang in there and fight for her, I realize in the end I may not end up winning, but if she still has that passion in her heart for me I don't want to give up without giving 110% of what I have. I have always given up on things in life, but this time I want to do the opposite... this desire is born out of my love for her, but also to make myself a better person.

Any words of wisdom, encouragement, and even insults are appreciated. Does anyone think it is immoral of me to pursue this? She admits she can't control herself with me and if we keep seeing each other she will need me to push her away when she comes on to me, which I will do, I respect her a lot and if it's the price to pay for the way I treated her then I will do it.... but is it immoral that I am causing her to lust as well as keeping her love for me alive while she is with another? I certainly don't wish for the other gentleman to end up hurt, but I do admit that deep down a big part of me, actually all of me, is looking out for number one and my goal is indeed to end up together again.... and for some odd reason I feel strangely optimistic about it, though I'm normally a pessimist.
Bro i dont know if i have any words of wisdom for you, im sure some on here will. You and your girl only broke up 2 months ago and she is now in a relationship with someone else and wants to keep seeing him while spending time with you BUT she says that she has a deep love for you and cannot control herself,third parties only make things worse ( the other guy ) if she wants to spend time with you and work on things then she should stop the relationship with the other gentleman,sounds like you are possible heading down the road of more drama and heartache,this situation might seem okay right now but im sure it will get old fairly quickly, if you really care for her and you should have a talk ( like adults ) and tell her that you are willing to work on things and do what it takes because you love her BUT it has to be you and her not you,her and him. Dont get caught up in some BS limbo state bro, i have been there. Good luck to ya brotha. If you would want to PM me feel free to do so as it sounds that myself and you have dealt with similair issues.
 

Nssca

New member
Kilo Klub Member
Joined
Jun 5, 2002
Messages
1,571
read

Neale Donald Walsch - Conversations with God - Book 1 full.rar

This is book one of about 8.
I would suggest you buy a copy of the others..if your like me, its hard to sit in front of your computer for very long and just read...LOL
Anyway, these books are not about "religion"
They have helped me through many a dark path...

I had a felling you too would like these.

LMK what you think, after you read the first one.
Peace my friend.
 

driven

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Registered
Joined
Jul 16, 2010
Messages
79
Look, if he's really sweet, like she says he is AND she's been honest with him about being in love with you and having so recently left a long term relationship, then he WILL understand and not be a dick, act hurt, try to guilt her to stay with him, or try to keep her away from her true love (despite his personal feelings about you and the way you treated her, and his developing feelings for her).

If he tries any of the other shit, he's a dick and has been pulling the nice-guy routine all along just to snag her - and she should feel no need to protect his feelings.

And he's only known her for less than 2 months so he shouldn't be trying to pull some soul mate bullshit or acting like he knows what's good for her. If he cares for her, he should understand her conflicted feelings and encourage her to take some time to sort it out and make up her mind - otherwise,... yep, he's a dick.

Oh, and you were a dick, that's true too, but I find it suspect that if she was truly in love with you, she'd of moved on so soon. -- Don't get me wrong, there's nothing with dating or meeting other people, going out to dinner or a movie, exchanging texts and phone calls, but girls who are really in love don't get naked with other guys after less than 2 months.

So work it out bro - sorry to hear about your anxieties. And don't go back after your ex-girl if you're just going to revert to being a dick.

Peace
 

animalsd

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Registered
Joined
Feb 13, 2010
Messages
503
I am sorry about your severe aniexty, i cannot even fathom what that is like.

You put this girl through hell and she still loves you. You owe her the world and then some.
 

Avz

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Jul 20, 2009
Messages
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WoW!! This woman is manipulating the shit out of u fellas.. U for sex and him for comfort..
I call B.S. On her part not wanting to break his heart.. Don't buy it. If she really wanted to be with you then she would. See this way she has security.. If her current bf fucks up (which he won't since he's so "sweet" she's more likely to dump him somewhere down the road cuz she won't be able to stand the boredom and his predictability.. I mean come on.. She's already cheating on the guy). Then there's u who she can fall back to when she needs to. Notice that she loved u when were selfish.. There's nothing wrong with that and don't feel guilty about treating her bad.. She'll get over it.. trust me. And I think she still loves u.. But she's attracted to u when ur in power.. Now the tables have turned, ur chasing her.. And everyone loves to have power and be in control :) If u get her back u might just dump her again.. This happens to me a lot.. I forget all the bad shit when I'm horny.. Then she does something dumb which reminds me "oh right.. That's y I left.. Y r u here again" Haha ..anyways.. What I would do is tell her straight up.. Either ur with me or with him.. I don't share my women.. Then u let her pick.. If she picks him. Just
walk away.. Don't listen to any of her "reasons" aka "manipulation" for not wanting to be u.. Demand a straight forward answer. Either way u win.. If she picks u.. Great. If she picks him and u walk away without giving a fuck she'll chase after u.. It's all a sick game of manipulation.,
...honestly just dropping her would be the best thing to do.. Have u tried online dating.. I think id be a lot easier with ur anxiety problem..
 
Last edited:

Ehren

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Well, I've been there on both sides of this equation in life. As the "other" guy who a girl went back to, and the one who got the 2x4-to-the-head-breakup call.

Really, if he knows about you, he shouldn't be surprised. Women value history more than men in most cases. And you guys have history.

She needs to break up with him. If he's gone for only a few months, she needs to stop sleeping with you and break up with him when he gets back. If she can't stop herself, she needs to break up with him now. It would suck to be overseas and get that call. But, damn. But better than thinking that she loves him and he's counting on her, while in reality she's just waiting for him to go away and sleeping with you the whole time. It's unfair.

I'm no one to talk, and I'm not talking from a moral standpoint at all. But if you stop sleeping together for a bit, it will move things along (motivate you/her to get it done) and let you see what you REALLY have together.

In the meantime, you can work on yourself to be the person you need to be for her and yourself. Good job on managing that panic disorder.
 

stike

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Oct 20, 2010
Messages
158
honesty is best if she is honest with you,than she must be honest with him.Nobody wants there feelings hurt or hurt someone elses.Her waiting for him to screw up is not honest.The longer she waits the harder it is.
You should take care of you and your anxiety.See a therapist or doctor,try some non-narcotic meds it takes a while to find the right one or ones.They do work, getting drugged up is never the answer,rely on god he will not let you down.Alway remember you have to do the footwork.
 
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