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This is going to be a bit long, but If you have time I ask you please read it all, I need to give as much info as possible as I've hit what I feel has been one of the most eye-opening/life changing point in my life. I'm only 25 so I'd especially appreciate any encouraging words/wisdom/advice from the older folks here who have been around
As some of you know, five years ago I was diagnosed with severe panic disorder. I won't get into those details but just know it's so severe I am on disability and have mostly been house-bound for the past five years, I pushed away all my friends and the only people I would see were my ex-gf and my father, and that would be while tanked up on (illegally obtained) alprazolam, otherwise I could not even function. Aside from this I have a lot of issues with low self-esteem and even some mild depression stemming from a lot of childhood issues.
This is about my ex, whom I broke up with two months ago. I love her dearly, but God knows I treated that poor woman so terribly. Somewhere along the line of developing my illness I basically gave up on life and myself, I simply stopped trying. My poor girlfriend paid for this as I made no initiative to ever put forth any effort, I live at home and as much as she would beg to see me I would mostly ignore her, telling myself I was simply too sick.
She told me she didn't care if I vomited all over her or passed out or anything, that she would take care of me, she just wanted to spend time with me because she loved me...... out of fear, I usually denied, simply seeing her now and again when I was tanked up on medication. Not only this but I became a bitter person, an arrogant, materialistic person.... I would always put her down and put wealth and materialism above her, as I really felt that's all I had left in life.
You know what the pathetic part is? After all this, I DUMPED HER.... over some silly argument, she stuck with me through all this, and even after I dumped her she begged me back and I arrogantly walked away.
During these past two months another gentleman was there to pick her up when I dropped her, and she is now with him. The saying "you never know what you have until you lose it" finally hit home for me.
I hit the biggest depression of my life, and that's when things changed....
I was so low I got suicidal, she still talked to me and was worried, so she agreed to meet up with me to talk some sense into me. Apparantly seeing me again brought back all of her feelings as she now told me she was feeling very confused. At this point I suddenly realized what an idiot I've been all my life, how I had wasted every opportunity given to me, most recently being this wonderful woman who was practically a blessing in my life. I haven't believed in God for years, but for some strange reason I found myself falling to my knees and praying, asking the Lord for help, that I needed him to guide me.
I made a vow several days ago to stop complaining and put forth some action. This may not seem like much but I have never been able to see my ex (or anyone really) without first heavily medicating myself and waiting hours until I was literally on a complete high.... these past two days I went over to see her twice, on a whim, with no medication.... let me tell you guys, I was a mess, I felt like I was going to die... but I made myself a promise that if I was ever to win this lady back, I was going to have to put my money where my mouth is and for once show her that I would go through hell if I had to to make up for all my selfishness in the past, I don't care if I end up vomiting all over myself in the car or if I have to pull over 50 times because I feel sick, I would redeem myself.
This is where things took a bit of a wild twist. She has now admitted to me that she wants to be with me and is still very in love with me, however her new boyfriend is a very sweet man, currently just left to serve a few months over seas and she does not want to break his heart. She told me that deep down a part of her is basically waiting for him to mess up so she can have a reason to leave him because she wants to be with me. While this is painful, in a way it's one of the reasons I love her, she has a very strong moral character and is very kind and wishes no harm to anyone. And I must admit, this other gentleman has done nothing to deserve being hurt.
Well, last night, her and I met and we both gave into temptation....
She called me today very conflicted saying she felt terrible that she had cheated on him, yet she was crying and telling me she wants to be with me so much but that she can't break his heart and that she feels like a terrible person because deep down she is actually hoping he will mess up, cheat or do anything to give her an opportunity to leave and be with me, but she can't just break someone's heart who has done nothing but treat her good.
We agreed to continue to remain friends and seeing each other, she told me if I was strong enough to hold back because she admits she's in love with me and can't hold back if she sees me... I gave her my word that I would just see her to spend time with her and wouldn't let anything happen, and I did mean it.
So there it is guys, If you made it this far, thank you for listening to me.
The word love gets thrown around a lot but in my heart I honestly love her so deeply, I've always been a negative person and would normally just get angry and walk away..... I don't know why but something in my heart is telling me to hang in there and fight for her, I realize in the end I may not end up winning, but if she still has that passion in her heart for me I don't want to give up without giving 110% of what I have. I have always given up on things in life, but this time I want to do the opposite... this desire is born out of my love for her, but also to make myself a better person.
Any words of wisdom, encouragement, and even insults are appreciated. Does anyone think it is immoral of me to pursue this? She admits she can't control herself with me and if we keep seeing each other she will need me to push her away when she comes on to me, which I will do, I respect her a lot and if it's the price to pay for the way I treated her then I will do it.... but is it immoral that I am causing her to lust as well as keeping her love for me alive while she is with another? I certainly don't wish for the other gentleman to end up hurt, but I do admit that deep down a big part of me, actually all of me, is looking out for number one and my goal is indeed to end up together again.... and for some odd reason I feel strangely optimistic about it, though I'm normally a pessimist.
As some of you know, five years ago I was diagnosed with severe panic disorder. I won't get into those details but just know it's so severe I am on disability and have mostly been house-bound for the past five years, I pushed away all my friends and the only people I would see were my ex-gf and my father, and that would be while tanked up on (illegally obtained) alprazolam, otherwise I could not even function. Aside from this I have a lot of issues with low self-esteem and even some mild depression stemming from a lot of childhood issues.
This is about my ex, whom I broke up with two months ago. I love her dearly, but God knows I treated that poor woman so terribly. Somewhere along the line of developing my illness I basically gave up on life and myself, I simply stopped trying. My poor girlfriend paid for this as I made no initiative to ever put forth any effort, I live at home and as much as she would beg to see me I would mostly ignore her, telling myself I was simply too sick.
She told me she didn't care if I vomited all over her or passed out or anything, that she would take care of me, she just wanted to spend time with me because she loved me...... out of fear, I usually denied, simply seeing her now and again when I was tanked up on medication. Not only this but I became a bitter person, an arrogant, materialistic person.... I would always put her down and put wealth and materialism above her, as I really felt that's all I had left in life.
You know what the pathetic part is? After all this, I DUMPED HER.... over some silly argument, she stuck with me through all this, and even after I dumped her she begged me back and I arrogantly walked away.
During these past two months another gentleman was there to pick her up when I dropped her, and she is now with him. The saying "you never know what you have until you lose it" finally hit home for me.
I hit the biggest depression of my life, and that's when things changed....
I was so low I got suicidal, she still talked to me and was worried, so she agreed to meet up with me to talk some sense into me. Apparantly seeing me again brought back all of her feelings as she now told me she was feeling very confused. At this point I suddenly realized what an idiot I've been all my life, how I had wasted every opportunity given to me, most recently being this wonderful woman who was practically a blessing in my life. I haven't believed in God for years, but for some strange reason I found myself falling to my knees and praying, asking the Lord for help, that I needed him to guide me.
I made a vow several days ago to stop complaining and put forth some action. This may not seem like much but I have never been able to see my ex (or anyone really) without first heavily medicating myself and waiting hours until I was literally on a complete high.... these past two days I went over to see her twice, on a whim, with no medication.... let me tell you guys, I was a mess, I felt like I was going to die... but I made myself a promise that if I was ever to win this lady back, I was going to have to put my money where my mouth is and for once show her that I would go through hell if I had to to make up for all my selfishness in the past, I don't care if I end up vomiting all over myself in the car or if I have to pull over 50 times because I feel sick, I would redeem myself.
This is where things took a bit of a wild twist. She has now admitted to me that she wants to be with me and is still very in love with me, however her new boyfriend is a very sweet man, currently just left to serve a few months over seas and she does not want to break his heart. She told me that deep down a part of her is basically waiting for him to mess up so she can have a reason to leave him because she wants to be with me. While this is painful, in a way it's one of the reasons I love her, she has a very strong moral character and is very kind and wishes no harm to anyone. And I must admit, this other gentleman has done nothing to deserve being hurt.
Well, last night, her and I met and we both gave into temptation....
She called me today very conflicted saying she felt terrible that she had cheated on him, yet she was crying and telling me she wants to be with me so much but that she can't break his heart and that she feels like a terrible person because deep down she is actually hoping he will mess up, cheat or do anything to give her an opportunity to leave and be with me, but she can't just break someone's heart who has done nothing but treat her good.
We agreed to continue to remain friends and seeing each other, she told me if I was strong enough to hold back because she admits she's in love with me and can't hold back if she sees me... I gave her my word that I would just see her to spend time with her and wouldn't let anything happen, and I did mean it.
So there it is guys, If you made it this far, thank you for listening to me.
The word love gets thrown around a lot but in my heart I honestly love her so deeply, I've always been a negative person and would normally just get angry and walk away..... I don't know why but something in my heart is telling me to hang in there and fight for her, I realize in the end I may not end up winning, but if she still has that passion in her heart for me I don't want to give up without giving 110% of what I have. I have always given up on things in life, but this time I want to do the opposite... this desire is born out of my love for her, but also to make myself a better person.
Any words of wisdom, encouragement, and even insults are appreciated. Does anyone think it is immoral of me to pursue this? She admits she can't control herself with me and if we keep seeing each other she will need me to push her away when she comes on to me, which I will do, I respect her a lot and if it's the price to pay for the way I treated her then I will do it.... but is it immoral that I am causing her to lust as well as keeping her love for me alive while she is with another? I certainly don't wish for the other gentleman to end up hurt, but I do admit that deep down a big part of me, actually all of me, is looking out for number one and my goal is indeed to end up together again.... and for some odd reason I feel strangely optimistic about it, though I'm normally a pessimist.
If u get her back u might just dump her again.. This happens to me a lot.. I forget all the bad shit when I'm horny.. Then she does something dumb which reminds me "oh right.. That's y I left.. Y r u here again" Haha ..anyways.. What I would do is tell her straight up.. Either ur with me or with him.. I don't share my women.. Then u let her pick.. If she picks him. Just 
