I don't know what to do...

bloodshed · Sep 19, 2009

I don't even know where to start. My girlfriend of 3 years basically just had a 30 second affair. i had recently moved about 200 miles away from home for school, and just a couple days ago i found out an old friend moved by her that reminded her of me. I Guess one night they hung out, and he started coming on to her and she obliged. they kissed for a while, then started having sex for about 30 seconds before she stopped him. this whole while she was saying she saw me in him. ever since then shes been crying hysterically, depressed and on the verge of suicide. I know her, and I know this isnt the kind of thing she does....but it happened. Im not taking it as hard as i thought i would have...but im not sure what to do in this situation...
thanks for taking the time to read all of this.

bloodshed · Sep 20, 2009

anything?

blazer97 · Sep 20, 2009

bloodshed said:
I don't even know where to start. My girlfriend of 3 years basically just had a 30 second affair. i had recently moved about 200 miles away from home for school, and just a couple days ago i found out an old friend moved by her that reminded her of me. I Guess one night they hung out, and he started coming on to her and she obliged. they kissed for a while, then started having sex for about 30 seconds before she stopped him. this whole while she was saying she saw me in him. ever since then shes been crying hysterically, depressed and on the verge of suicide. I know her, and I know this isnt the kind of thing she does....but it happened. Im not taking it as hard as i thought i would have...but im not sure what to do in this situation...
thanks for taking the time to read all of this.

Communication is very important at this point. you need to tell her how you feel about the incident. After 3 years together i think you understand each other to a certain degree, but you need to talk her and comfort her, she feels guilty at this point and thinks she might have broken your trust.

Sounds like you trust her enough to be 200 miles away, and know she wouldn't intentionally hurt you then you need to tell her this. Hopefully she will understand how you feel and you guys can move on.

Good luck bro

bloodshed · Sep 20, 2009

she was actually taking it harder than i was, to the point she actually cut herself which i am very against. I understand it was a big change for her, and the whole time before the incident she was extraordinarily emotional. she says in her head it was me the entire time. I do know her more than anyone, and she was always one to get depressed easily but ive never seen her in this state.

overman · Sep 20, 2009

be cautious

bloodshed said:
she was actually taking it harder than i was, to the point she actually cut herself which i am very against. I understand it was a big change for her, and the whole time before the incident she was extraordinarily emotional. she says in her head it was me the entire time. I do know her more than anyone, and she was always one to get depressed easily but ive never seen her in this state.

The self-harm she is displaying may indicate something more serious. Communication is key along with strict boundries and consequences (provided the relationship is salvagable, something only you can decide). Begin by talking about your feelings of betrayal, deceit, loss of trust, hurt, and confusion. The self-harming behavior may be a manipulative attempt to evoke pity and forgiveness in you. Emotionally dysregulated individuals are difficult to establish and maintain a relationship with. Remember this is about HONESTY!! You get a gut feeling you are being deceived, it is probably right.

Stand your ground and be direct with your feelings, needs, expectations, etc. Ask for an elaborate apology and/or explanation, time to think, etc. If she resists (in any way), that is a good sign of a lack of genuine interest and commitment- foundations for a solid relationship.

Please be very mindful of your sense of rescuing, helping with these types of behaviors. You are important and worthwhile, and have earned the truth.

bloodshed · Sep 20, 2009

overman said:
The self-harm she is displaying may indicate something more serious. Communication is key along with strict boundries and consequences (provided the relationship is salvagable, something only you can decide). Begin by talking about your feelings of betrayal, deceit, loss of trust, hurt, and confusion. The self-harming behavior may be a manipulative attempt to evoke pity and forgiveness in you. Emotionally dysregulated individuals are difficult to establish and maintain a relationship with. Remember this is about HONESTY!! You get a gut feeling you are being deceived, it is probably right.

Stand your ground and be direct with your feelings, needs, expectations, etc. Ask for an elaborate apology and/or explanation, time to think, etc. If she resists (in any way), that is a good sign of a lack of genuine interest and commitment- foundations for a solid relationship.

Please be very mindful of your sense of rescuing, helping with these types of behaviors. You are important and worthwhile, and have earned the truth.

i dont think she's quite smart enough to try to manipulate me, i know most of her tricks already. but as far as the resistance, ive set some very solid ground rules with her for here on out and she complied without a single complaint to any of them. obviously if she slips up again im done, though after this i dont think she will but i will have my guard up.

bloodshed · Sep 20, 2009

id really like to thank you guys for this insight.

zaven · Sep 20, 2009

It's gonna take work from both of yall to keep this relationship going....Your gonna have your guard up all the time now and will be suspicious of everything she does.....I'm not gonna bash the girl as I don't know her but if she saw you in him then why did she do what she did when she already has you even if you had moved away...There has to be honest love for long distance relationships to work.

bloodshed · Sep 20, 2009

zaven said:
It's gonna take work from both of yall to keep this relationship going....Your gonna have your guard up all the time now and will be suspicious of everything she does.....I'm not gonna bash the girl as I don't know her but if she saw you in him then why did she do what she did when she already has you even if you had moved away...There has to be honest love for long distance relationships to work.

i see what your saying here. i think it had something with her needing my physical affection. shes used to us being able to go hang out every day, and then it just stopped. i know im going to be more suspicious of her, and i will have my guard up more than before. im just going to have to play it by ear from here on out..

robot · Sep 20, 2009

self cutting, infidelity.... run, don't walk.

flee for your life!!!!

sorry, the smart money is on a fast exit.

bloodshed · Sep 20, 2009

i see what your saying too. with my current situation with school it would be easier to stay, i can stay more focused on whats more important to me that way instead of being worried about finding new girls or whatever. i think im just going to harden myself, distance myself emotionally...but im not sure. i hate this situation.

FeverishFlux · Sep 21, 2009

RUN, don't walk away. The only reason she told you is that either she knew you'd find out, or she wanted to hurt you and break it off.
There's no such thing as 30second flings, she could be telling you because she's pregnant and doesn't know if the child is yours or anothers. She could be very tenderly telling you that your history.
CUT TIES NOW! If yer significant other can have sex with someone she barely knows at the drop of the hat(30second sex), WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STAYING???? She can see you in all her lovers for the rest of her life, go find yourself a gf who won't put you thru this bs, she's out there waiting for you.

pesty4077 · Sep 21, 2009

I am sorry, I don't feel the compassion for this girl. She cheated period! 30 seconds to me is a joke. Either she is lieing to you or he is lousy at screwing!

I don't know too many people that stop in the heat of things. If she does it once, she probally did it before or will do it again. Talking of Sucide? Drop her off at the sucide prevention center for help. She has issues, is this what you want out of life? I would serious think about this relationship and do I really want someone who has cheated on me?(You haven't been together that long). Not to mention all the diseases out there. There are plenty of fish in the pond and some that won't swim upstream, if you get my drift.

bloodshed · Sep 21, 2009

FeverishFlux said:
RUN, don't walk away. The only reason she told you is that either she knew you'd find out, or she wanted to hurt you and break it off.
There's no such thing as 30second flings, she could be telling you because she's pregnant and doesn't know if the child is yours or anothers. She could be very tenderly telling you that your history.
CUT TIES NOW! If yer significant other can have sex with someone she barely knows at the drop of the hat(30second sex), WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STAYING???? She can see you in all her lovers for the rest of her life, go find yourself a gf who won't put you thru this bs, she's out there waiting for you.

i really see what youre saying here. i know as a fact i wouldnt have found out. i had no association with these people so i never would have known. and i also know she told me because she couldnt bare to hold it in. im not going to break up with her over text message, i find that to be very low. i am driving back down to my home town this weekend, going to have a long heart to heart with her and very well might break it off then. i have to see if she is genuinely distraught and apologetic over it(as it seems like she is over the phone and texts) or if she is indifferent. based on her description of what happened, i would only consider it foreplay but she considers it sex. i am going to make her take a pregnancy test this weekend and i will make my final decision then. im trying to look at it from every angle...some that i wouldnt be able to express with words.

i really see what youre saying here. i know as a fact i wouldnt have found out. i had no association with these people so i never would have known. and i also know she told me because she couldnt bare to hold it in. im not going to break up with her over text message, i find that to be very low. i am driving back down to my home town this weekend, going to have a long heart to heart with her and very well might break it off then. i have to see if she is genuinely distraught and apologetic over it(as it seems like she is over the phone and texts) or if she is indifferent. based on her description of what happened, i would only consider it foreplay but she considers it sex. i am going to make her take a pregnancy test this weekend and i will make my final decision then. im trying to look at it from every angle...some that i wouldnt be able to express with words. I would feel very low for breaking up over the phone or text message, so i am going down there this weekend and will decide.

Tyrone · Sep 21, 2009

pesty4077 said:
I am sorry, I don't feel the compassion for this girl. She cheated period! 30 seconds to me is a joke. Either she is lieing to you or he is lousy at screwing! I don't know too many people that stop in the heat of things. If she does it once, she probally did it before or will do it again. Talking of Sucide? Drop her off at the sucide prevention center for help. She has issues, is this what you want out of life? I would serious think about this relationship and do I really want someone who has cheated on me?(You haven't been together that long). Not to mention all the diseases out there. There are plenty of fish in the pond and some that won't swim upstream, if you get my drift.

Agreed, she has major issues and the OP might too, which would make for a haz mat relationship...If it were me, under the known circumstances, I'd distance myself as much as possible from extra bagage and hope there's no baby to be had thus far.

bloodshed · Sep 21, 2009

alright, i see what you guys are saying and i understand. i am going down there this weekend and will most likely break it off in person. as i said before, i would feel too low for doing it over the phone.

Tyrone · Sep 21, 2009

bloodshed said:
alright, i see what you guys are saying and i understand. i am going down there this weekend and will most likely break it off in person. as i said before, i would feel too low for doing it over the phone.

As would anyone else...The hard part has yet to come but you need to decide for your self......IF YOU'RE READY TO LET GO.

Ask yourself if you're of the same toxicity as her and/or if you can change your own perspective and see how many real great women are out there, just waiting to be swept up.

bloodshed · Sep 21, 2009

Tyrone said:
As would anyone else...The hard part has yet to come but you need to decide for your self......IF YOU'RE READY TO LET GO.

Ask yourself if you're of the same toxicity as her and/or if you can change your own perspective and see how many real great women are out there, just waiting to be swept up.

im an easygoing laid back person. i rarely if ever get mad and i never freak out. i always stay calm. she scares easily. im sure out there i could find someone i connect with as well as i did her..but on the other hand i sitll havnt met that many people that i was as physically attracted to, and who i was able to carry out a conversation with as easily..i think thats what makes it so hard. but as i mentioned earlier...she seems to be taking it harder than i am. this is just an all around hard situation.

notsobig32 · Sep 21, 2009

pesty4077 said:
I am sorry, I don't feel the compassion for this girl. She cheated period! 30 seconds to me is a joke. Either she is lieing to you or he is lousy at screwing! I don't know too many people that stop in the heat of things. If she does it once, she probally did it before or will do it again. Talking of Sucide? Drop her off at the sucide prevention center for help. She has issues, is this what you want out of life? I would serious think about this relationship and do I really want someone who has cheated on me?(You haven't been together that long). Not to mention all the diseases out there. There are plenty of fish in the pond and some that won't swim upstream, if you get my drift.

I am gonna go with pesty on this one. In my opinion, the kissing was infedelity enough. Then the fact that she 'sealed the deal' takes it even farther. You have to do what is right for you but this definitely sounds like a very toxic relationship in the long run.

At the end of the day, you still have to decide what is right for you and personally i would have to go on about my life and leave her.