Partners that don't feel "worthy"

[Ruhlfreak55]

How do you guys deal with trying to date partners that simply don't feel worthy of you? It could be in any way, but on here I would think that physical inferiority would be a big one. We've all spent decades working on our bodies making sure that we're above reproach, and in reality very few partners can live up to that. So what do you do?

In my situation I've tried to be supportive of healthy decisions and impart wisdom of how to do things that work, but I'm usually shot down by her claiming these simple base fundamentals don't work.

Are we really as partners supposed to "accept them as they are"? I don't want that even for myself. I want someone that is going to support and PUSH me to be better.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

I'm not worthy of my wife. Not with my past record of behavior that's for sure. But I can't imagine life without her. She checkmarks all my needed boxes, and I checkmark all of hers.

She supports everything I do but she doesn't push me, she's not demanding, and she's not high maintenance. Kind of a hippie chic actually, cares about the environment, etc. Good mother.

I have no complaints. If she kept going on about "I'm not good enough for you," maybe eventually I'd say, "You're right. It's over."

When women start doing what you're talking about it's usually insecurity or maybe they're undercomplimented and are fishing for some positive feedback. Fine to a point but that gets old really quick. Women like to feel like they are on a pedestal. I feel confident enough to put my wife on one. If you're not secure enough to do that, the problem may be yours or possibly you're both insecure or just not ready for a relationship (at least with her).

 

[goback2013]

How do you guys deal with trying to date partners that simply don't feel worthy of you? It could be in any way, but on here I would think that physical inferiority would be a big one. We've all spent decades working on our bodies making sure that we're above reproach, and in reality very few partners can live up to that. So what do you do?

In my situation I've tried to be supportive of healthy decisions and impart wisdom of how to do things that work, but I'm usually shot down by her claiming these simple base fundamentals don't work.

Are we really as partners supposed to "accept them as they are"? I don't want that even for myself. I want someone that is going to support and PUSH me to be better.

I JUST had the same conversation with an elder of mine. I was basically saying that women my age want me to sit down. Get fat. My dedication to working out is seen as narcissism.
My ex-wife says I like to blow kisses to myself as I walk by mirrors. So maybe I am a narcissist.
Plus I struggle with wage disparity between myself and the type of woman I find attractive.
Anyway I hope the universe isn't playing a trick on me this time. When I got back from Miami this female hit me that I met a month or so ago. she was wondering if I was back from Miami as she hadn't seen me around.
We've been hanging out almost everyday since. Gun range. Running trails. Working out. She's about 7 years younger than me. Since that time I've let go all the random fuck stragglers. The females who are too old/lazy to walk for exercise and the females who are too young always asking for a cash app. I told them all don't reach out anymore.
I like to think I struck gold with this new one as she hits all the check boxes for me. Looks. Income. Intelligence. Another bonus is she lives less than a mile from me.

 

[Ruhlfreak55]

I'm not worthy of my wife. Not with my past record of behavior that's for sure. But I can't imagine life without her. She checkmarks all my needed boxes, and I checkmark all of hers.

She supports everything I do but she doesn't push me, she's not demanding, and she's not high maintenance. Kind of a hippie chic actually, cares about the environment, etc. Good mother.

I have no complaints. If she kept going on about "I'm not good enough for you," maybe eventually I'd say, "You're right. It's over."

When women start doing what you're talking about it's usually insecurity or maybe they're undercomplimented and are fishing for some positive feedback. Fine to a point but that gets old really quick. Women like to feel like they are on a pedestal. I feel confident enough to put my wife on one. If you're not secure enough to do that, the problem may be yours or possibly you're both insecure or just not ready for a relationship (at least with her).

Most people are always going to be insecure when they compare themselves to me (or most of this board I'd assume). What are you supposed to do? I've given her compliments in the past, but because I don't lace them with lies about things I don't find attractive on her at the moment she just throws them back. She's beautiful in the face, I love her looks and would be with her forever. But the fact is she's fat at the moment and even though I'd tried to teach everything I know, she still is. So I'm not going to lie and be like "oh yea babe I love your body". I also though make ABSOLUTELY sure I don't react badly to seeing it, so it's nothing like that. I never act disgusted, I hold her and kiss everything regardless.

So is someone that's also worked out for 20 years like me the only way? There aren't any of those women. At least in my experience, and even randomly if you do find one there's usually something else extremely offputting going on with them.

I freely admit part of me does NOT want to be alone, and sure as hell not forever, which it feels like I'm on the cusp of. As such, I am definitely trying to hold on to her...but if I can't make her happy being myself it's obviously going to be all for naught.

for clarity, based on my understanding of the term insecure. I am extremely that have essentially no self esteem whatsoever. I KNOW I'm objectively better than almost everyone at almost everything, but I know that also makes most people detest me. So while I'm confident in my own abilities, I am also very confident in being disliked for them. aka, no real self esteem.

 

[Ruhlfreak55]

I JUST had the same conversation with an elder of mine. I was basically saying that women my age want me to sit down. Get fat. My dedication to working out is seen as narcissism.
My ex-wife says I like to blow kisses to myself as I walk by mirrors. So maybe I am a narcissist.
Plus I struggle with wage disparity between myself and the type of woman I find attractive.
Anyway I hope the universe isn't playing a trick on me this time. When I got back from Miami this female hit me that I met a month or so ago. she was wondering if I was back from Miami as she hadn't seen me around.
We've been hanging out almost everyday since. Gun range. Running trails. Working out. She's about 7 years younger than me. Since that time I've let go all the random fuck stragglers. The females who are too old/lazy to walk for exercise and the females who are too young always asking for a cash app. I told them all don't reach out anymore.
I like to think I struck gold with this new one as she hits all the check boxes for me. Looks. Income. Intelligence. Another bonus is she lives less than a mile from me.

I actually don't really recognize Narcissism as a thing, I maintain that it's more than healthy to have concern for oneself. Sure it can go too far. But I've felt accused of this too and I definitely don't take it too far.

And yea, I've felt the same coming from her, she wants me to not train hard, be fatter the vast majority of the time, and that simply is NEVER going to happen. I'll die first. For one I think it's my responsibility to maintain my physique not only for myself but FOR a partner. Also to me what you look like is a direct reflection of your personality. So fat people? To me obviously lazy and uncaring. Every so often you'll find a situation where it doesn't match, but not often.

I hope you've found your unicorn, it would be nice to hear a success story. I don't ever want to live within a mile of ANYONE lol, so I may be a bit harder to solve.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

You may KNOW that you're objectively better than almost everyone at almost everything, but sitting here on my ass watching my daughters swim, I don't necessarily know that. How could I? What I CAN say for sure is that if even half of what you said were true, you wouldn't be "on the cusp" of being alone forever. You would have your pick of the litter, correct? At 30, I did. And did I ever! Fun but little or no meaning at all.

So long-term intimate relationships are obviously not your strong point, can we agree on that? And if so, it's only a stone's throw toward saying you probably aren't tops at appraising anothers' worth either.

For a moment, forget about your as-yet-to-find Fitness Barbie. Is this girl you're with now, do you like her? Do you laugh? Play? Enjoy activities together?

I've dated more than a few Fitness Barbies. You think it reflects high self-esteem that they take care of themselves? It doesn't. Not usually. In fact, they're usually worthless for anything other than a sport fuck. And even that gets old. And they know it as well because by the time you hit the Exit button, you find out she's already had the next guy on deck if not to the plate a few times.

And just as another observation not necessarily related to this, but I find that women that have been part of the workout/fitness scene as long as you or I have (20 years+) often have a very hard look about them. In their face and body. I'm not into that. But there are exceptions to that as well.

My point is that the more intimate you become, it can go 3 ways physically: 1) she lets herself go even more, 2) she stays the same, or 3) she may just want to start have "us" time in the gym recreationally. Personally, for me, the last thing I need is Nikki (or anyone for that matter) buzzing in my ear in the weightroom. But that's just me.

 

[goback2013]

I actually don't really recognize Narcissism as a thing, I maintain that it's more than healthy to have concern for oneself. Sure it can go too far. But I've felt accused of this too and I definitely don't take it too far.

And yea, I've felt the same coming from her, she wants me to not train hard, be fatter the vast majority of the time, and that simply is NEVER going to happen. I'll die first. For one I think it's my responsibility to maintain my physique not only for myself but FOR a partner. Also to me what you look like is a direct reflection of your personality. So fat people? To me obviously lazy and uncaring. Every so often you'll find a situation where it doesn't match, but not often.

I hope you've found your unicorn, it would be nice to hear a success story. I don't ever want to live within a mile of ANYONE lol, so I may be a bit harder to solve.

Yeah. My life motto has been find um. Fuck um. And flee.
This one is a keeper though. Has me going gaga and doing things I have never done before. some may call it simpin but I feel she deserves these things. I'd never disrespect myself though.. but maybe it's good I approach things a little more gentle with this one.
Could be the halo... Shit has me just calm and collected.

 

[Ruhlfreak55]

You may KNOW that you're objectively better than almost everyone at almost everything, but sitting here on my ass watching my daughters swim, I don't necessarily know that. How could I? What I CAN say for sure is that if even half of what you said were true, you wouldn't be "on the cusp" of being alone forever. You would have your pick of the litter, correct? At 30, I did. And did I ever! Fun but little or no meaning at all.

That's not how that works in my experience. No one seems to want to tolerate or be around someone that is better than them at anything. People want to surround themselves with people they can convince themselves are less than them so they can feel better about their station. I also, if you recall, do not drink, and I hate even being around it at ALL. Over the years I've become pretty convinced that that in and of itself is a lot of the why I am where I am. People really seem to love poisoning themselves. I don't know what to do with that.

So long-term intimate relationships are obviously not your strong point, can we agree on that? And if so, it's only a stone's throw toward saying you probably aren't tops at appraising anothers' worth either.

I was pretty effectively taught the lie that you should always be yourself and someone will love you for it, so no...I'm not good at relationships.

For a moment, forget about your as-yet-to-find Fitness Barbie. Is this girl you're with now, do you like her? Do you laugh? Play? Enjoy activities together?

Of course I like her, I love her very much. And yes I laugh with her routinely, not so sure bout this 'play' business lol. I do enjoy doing things with her but I fear she has perhaps lied about or overstated her enjoyment of those things just bc she knew I wanted to do them in the past. At the end of the day, the truth is when you have a job and do bodybuilding in an attempt to do it well at all, there isn't a lot more time (especially on weekdays). So if she doesn't want to lift with me or can't, I feel less connected.

Am I supposed to train less so that I can not be alone? Training keeps me sane and I'd be long dead without it.

I've dated more than a few Fitness Barbies. You think it reflects high self-esteem that they take care of themselves? It doesn't. Not usually. In fact, they're usually worthless for anything other than a sport fuck. And even that gets old. And they know it as well because by the time you hit the Exit button, you find out she's already had the next guy on deck if not to the plate a few times.

Well if I exist on the male side I'd think something similar would exist on the female side. I guess it is orders of magnitude easier for them to get laid though.

And just as another observation not necessarily related to this, but I find that women that have been part of the workout/fitness scene as long as you or I have (20 years+) often have a very hard look about them. In their face and body. I'm not into that. But there are exceptions to that as well.

My point is that the more intimate you become, it can go 3 ways physically: 1) she lets herself go even more, 2) she stays the same, or 3) she may just want to start have "us" time in the gym recreationally. Personally, for me, the last thing I need is Nikki (or anyone for that matter) buzzing in my ear in the weightroom. But that's just me.

I don't understand letting oneself go. AT ALL. I have a responsibility to that partner to look good for them.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

That's not how that works in my experience. No one seems to want to tolerate or be around someone that is better than them at anything. People want to surround themselves with people they can convince themselves are less than them so they can feel better about their station. I also, if you recall, do not drink, and I hate even being around it at ALL. Over the years I've become pretty convinced that that in and of itself is a lot of the why I am where I am. People really seem to love poisoning themselves. I don't know what to do with that.

I was pretty effectively taught the lie that you should always be yourself and someone will love you for it, so no...I'm not good at relationships.

Of course I like her, I love her very much. And yes I laugh with her routinely, not so sure bout this 'play' business lol. I do enjoy doing things with her but I fear she has perhaps lied about or overstated her enjoyment of those things just bc she knew I wanted to do them in the past. At the end of the day, the truth is when you have a job and do bodybuilding in an attempt to do it well at all, there isn't a lot more time (especially on weekdays). So if she doesn't want to lift with me or can't, I feel less connected.

Am I supposed to train less so that I can not be alone? Training keeps me sane and I'd be long dead without it.

Well if I exist on the male side I'd think something similar would exist on the female side. I guess it is orders of magnitude easier for them to get laid though.

I don't understand letting oneself go. AT ALL. I have a responsibility to that partner to look good for them.

Understand, I'm not unsympathetic to your situation at all. But if I just use your own words, I see you in a catch 22. On one hand, you say people are searching for someone to feel superior to. On the other hand, you say you are usually the superior one, or just perhaps have the "upper hand" in the relationship.

Yet everything I've seen and been taught is the exact opposite. I find that even from an evolutionary perspective, both men and women try to date above their league. This ensures you not only carry on your genes or even improve on them by 'marrying up' or dating up and have a hottie by your side. I have never known people who want to date down because that ensures inferior offspring. And it's not as if we're cognizant of these factors but they're visible through our behavior.

I'll suggest a goal for anyone reading this. Work to have enough confidence to ALLOW your gal to win. To be her punching bag. Run her errands. Let her use you while you maintain your unshakable confidence. Why? Because if you do that, she'll "owe" you. Even if she's not cognitively aware of it, she'll feel it. And there will be nothing she won't do for you. It may sound manipulative, but having unshakeable confidence and seeing those things for what they are is perfectly normal. In fact, "turning the other cheek" (so to speak) is the loving thing to do.

It's not a race, it's a marathon. And while it appears she beating up on you, you know deep down that it is you that is allowing it. This allows people to NEED you. It's not a war, or a competition, it's a relationship. Relationships will bring out the very best, and the worst, you can be. But armed with your self-esteem intact, and your unwavering confidence, you will have control. And so will she. And control is something we have to share in our relationships just like everything else.

 

[Ruhlfreak55]

Understand, I'm not unsympathetic to your situation at all. But if I just use your own words, I see you in a catch 22. On one hand, you say people are searching for someone to feel superior to. On the other hand, you say you are usually the superior one, or just perhaps have the "upper hand" in the relationship.

Unfortunately I feel like I'm in like 100 catch 22s. I don't know what the answer is, and there isn't much that I hate more than that. In addition, I feel like I don't even know what the possible outcomes are at this point bc what she is feeling is such a black box to me. And this isn't because of my lack of understanding, it's literally refusal to communicate honestly on her end. I honestly am wondering if she isn't so abjectly terrified of conflict, in general, that it makes it almost impossible for her to communicate. And I don't know how to help, I don't know at this point if I'm even allowed to help. And all of it hurts...badly...most of the day.

I'll suggest a goal for anyone reading this. Work to have enough confidence to ALLOW your gal to win. To be her punching bag. Run her errands. Let her use you while you maintain your unshakable confidence. Why? Because if you do that, she'll "owe" you. Even if she's not cognitively aware of it, she'll feel it. And there will be nothing she won't do for you. It may sound manipulative, but having unshakeable confidence and seeing those things for what they are is perfectly normal. In fact, "turning the other cheek" (so to speak) is the loving thing to do.

It's not a race, it's a marathon. And while it appears she beating up on you, you know deep down that it is you that is allowing it. This allows people to NEED you. It's not a war, or a competition, it's a relationship. Relationships will bring out the very best, and the worst, you can be. But armed with your self-esteem intact, and your unwavering confidence, you will have control. And so will she. And control is something we have to share in our relationships just like everything else.

I don't necessarily disagree with any of this, but I've never thought of it this way or had it presented to me like this in memory. I don't know whether I'm capable of such things. I think there's certain levels of stupid that one can deal with, but once it gets too many standard deviations away from your intelligence level it's just like...no way. I've had more than one of these moments with her I think. I don't think she's dumb at all, but she is also certainly not like me.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Unfortunately I feel like I'm in like 100 catch 22s. I don't know what the answer is, and there isn't much that I hate more than that. In addition, I feel like I don't even know what the possible outcomes are at this point bc what she is feeling is such a black box to me. And this isn't because of my lack of understanding, it's literally refusal to communicate honestly on her end. I honestly am wondering if she isn't so abjectly terrified of conflict, in general, that it makes it almost impossible for her to communicate. And I don't know how to help, I don't know at this point if I'm even allowed to help. And all of it hurts...badly...most of the day.

I don't necessarily disagree with any of this, but I've never thought of it this way or had it presented to me like this in memory. I don't know whether I'm capable of such things. I think there's certain levels of stupid that one can deal with, but once it gets too many standard deviations away from your intelligence level it's just like...no way. I've had more than one of these moments with her I think. I don't think she's dumb at all, but she is also certainly not like me.

Don't stress too much over it. Although you will anyway. But she may just not be the right girl for you. It all depends on what you're willing to overlook for the sake of the greater good. There are no perfect women out there, and even if there were, they wouldn't be interested in either of us. So then that just leaves what you're willing to tolerate and the deal-breakers. If she's got deal-breakers, then let her go find a guy who will adore every moment snd every inch of her. Because while the choices in mates are endless, our time isn't.

And this could be time you could be spending discovering someone you will cherish. Cherish. It's not a word we use often enough in our relationships. We've got the love and honor parts down, but who says they cherish their spouse or gf? I do, but I don't think I've heard anyone, not one, use the term. I've heard it in movies but that's just fiction. Find someone you cherish.

So they can stomp on your heart and drive you insane (<---that was sarcasm).

 

[MAD_SCIENTIST]

Damn OTH... love your outlook and responses.

During your college days, you must have pulled in a lot of women.
You think times have changed with attracting women in today's world?
Divorced for a couple years now. Wanting to not get married again. My daughter is grown. Played around with quite a bit of gym bunnies and what nots. Finding a woman just for companionship and sex doable ?
Or with this social media world, I'm just destined to be playing.
Thoughts? Thank you in advance.


MS

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Damn OTH... love your outlook and responses.

During your college days, you must have pulled in a lot of women.
You think times have changed with attracting women in today's world?
Divorced for a couple years now. Wanting to not get married again. My daughter is grown. Played around with quite a bit of gym bunnies and what nots. Finding a woman just for companionship and sex doable ?
Or with this social media world, I'm just destined to be playing.
Thoughts? Thank you in advance.


MS

I can tell you MS, that girls (and thus boys too) are waiting longer to put out today. Parents may be relieved to hear that but it's not for healthy reasons. That's not to say that there aren't still sluts (M & F) out there. There are. But far fewer. But don't confuse this with a kink of morality. It is simply a product of our technological age. It gets worse. I expect skin-on-skin relationships will continue to decline going into the future. Virtual sex will become as ubiquitous as drinking water.

If opportunity finds you, grab it. Don't wait for a second or third chance. And even though it's contrary to my financial future, I say reject all "online" or digital dating apps and tech. This may force people to actually go out and meet other real people. Because unless you've exchanged fluids with someone, the rest is just fireworks. Plenty of fun and booms, but after the finale, everyone just disappears into the ether where they come from.

 

[goback2013]

I can tell you MS, that girls (and thus boys too) are waiting longer to put out today. Parents may be relieved to hear that but it's not for healthy reasons. That's not to say that there aren't still sluts (M & F) out there. There are. But far fewer. But don't confuse this with a kink of morality. It is simply a product of our technological age. It gets worse. I expect skin-on-skin relationships will continue to decline going into the future. Virtual sex will become as ubiquitous as drinking water.

If opportunity finds you, grab it. Don't wait for a second or third chance. And even though it's contrary to my financial future, I say reject all "online" or digital dating apps and tech. This may force people to actually go out and meet other real people. Because unless you've exchanged fluids with someone, the rest is just fireworks. Plenty of fun and booms, but after the finale, everyone just disappears into the ether where they come from.

This. There is nothing like meeting someone out in the world. Real organic. Just a simple flirtatious comment to open the door. And if you have a nice smile, a nice demeanor, it's game over. Doesn't hurt things if you also have a nice physique. Put all that together, combined with a quality of life and the world is yours

 

[btmayor]

I have quite a bit of extra fat and I once was very fat but I have met a few very insecure women but usually they start to create a list of why I'm not good enough and then they start to get angry.

I was super insecure myself when I was younger and you know what made a world of difference? Someone who loved who I was.

They need to let you in for you to love them. If you know them well enough I would even start holding your arms open and say let me love you! In a frustrated kidding sensitive kind of way.