I lost my wife and child d/t some bad things help is appreciated....

[zephyr22]

This whole scenario started when an old friend from Highschool wHo I had not seen since 1995 when she was a senior in highschool. Anyways I join this classmates.com site so i could checkout my 10yr and get some details on it. So it asks for some info e-mail addy, I put my cell number etc... Anyways out of the blue I get an e-mail from this girl I used to call a good freind. Actually it was a freind of mines GF but we were pretty tight to as some people are. Anyways its been like 12yrs and she sends me a mail about her and her kids and husband. It was nice to hear from her. This is where it gets bad. Now I never told my wife about this because she is so paranoid of me being a cheater, which I have never been before ever. Anyways the e-mails become more sexually motivated etc....if you know what I mean. She lives in different state. I said some things on the mails that were inappropriate as well like saying I thought she still looked good, some sexual comments were made but I told her I have a wife so none of this is good. Well, my wife hates that im on the PC at any time. She finds a hacker and hacks in to all my accounts. She prints out the bad e-mails and reads them out loud to me. Mind you I stopped e-mailing her like 4 months ago because the mails were just not healthy for me or for her being marrried ya know. Anyways I hear all these dirty mails and I break down in tears. I told her that nothing happened between us. She still considers it cheating. She is right I really screwed up. Ive been beating the shit out of myself now for 2 weeks. I love my wife. Ive now lost my son and my wife over some stupid shit. She just keeps asking "why" would you do this. I said because its a computer screen and I knew nothing would come of it. I think it was the attention I got about someone finding me attractive. Ive never had a lot of girlfreinds in highschool. In college I had started BB and everyone thought i was weird. There is no excuse for my behavior all I can keep saying is im sorry. Also my wife is a widowed wife of 8 or 9 years. Thats the father of her son which I consider my own. She has never once talked about how the death has changed her. SHe just kept going like nothing happened. She has also gained some weight and said her selfesteem is shot. I love her no matter what I was in this for the long haul but sometimes you reap what you sow. My wife has maybe said something nice to me once or twice in the last 4 years. She says im not affectionate. I grew up with a single mom (my father was killed in a car accident when I was 6) and two brothers and a sister. I have never been good at affection or giving attention because it never happened with me. My mom had to work 24/7 to keep us at a house and to keep food on the table. My shortcomings are difficult to deal with for sure. I just keep praying that the lord will choose a good path for me. Any support from you guys is really appreciated your like my family. My wife gets pissed that I come on here and discuss issues and topics again because all attention should be on her. Also I gotta find a place to live which is not gonna be easy. considering all my crap I got. Just bad deal all the way around if anyone falls into this there is no way out.

 

[ilaan]

Dude get into joint counceling. it sounds like you both have issues. was it a guy that hacked into your computer...if so what a dick.

 

[zephyr22]

Yeah, dont know him wife hired him...

I know to me that was personal info. I know now I shouldnt have done it but damn if I was so stupid I should have erased all those old mails which I thought I did but were still in my trash box. Just sucks I have to loose my wife and son over this. And better yet have 10 days to get out of my house because my wife is staying at her mothers with the boy until I can get out of here.

 

[ilaan]

dude you didn't cheat period. you made a bad choice but it is not the end of the world. get some prof help. and don't do anything stupid.

 

[zephyr22]

Councelling....

We went 3 times then I was super tired after working 3 13 hour shifts in a row and I said lets skip this week and she tries to say I wanted to stop going. I tell you this she would never ever trust me agian. She used to check my cell phone numbers who I called, who called me look up my history on pc all that kind of stuff. I told its poor self esteem and that councelling for this would help too. Im no saint and I need counselling for sure. She just gets mad at me if I say that. I just say it to her"as someone who cares about you maybe you should look in to it". Then she comes back with well im not the one who cheated. I never physically cheated nor was I in love with this old friend online. I just said some stupid shit like wanting to see her in a black thong. Saying she looked nice etc.... bad shit I know. Im human and make mistakes all im saying is watch your ass because this could happen to someone else.

 

[ilaan]

We went 3 times then I was super tired after working 3 13 hour shifts in a row and I said lets skip this week and she tries to say I wanted to stop going. I tell you this she would never ever trust me agian. She used to check my cell phone numbers who I called, who called me look up my history on pc all that kind of stuff. I told its poor self esteem and that councelling for this would help too. Im no saint and I need counselling for sure. She just gets mad at me if I say that. I just say it to her"as someone who cares about you maybe you should look in to it". Then she comes back with well im not the one who cheated. I never physically cheated nor was I in love with this old friend online. I just said some stupid shit like wanting to see her in a black thong. Saying she looked nice etc.... bad shit I know. Im human and make mistakes all im saying is watch your ass because this could happen to someone else.

Maybe it is time to move on. How long where you together.

 

[strongmind]

Oh, man. Everybody slow down. You've been kicked out of the house??? For a couple of raunchy emails???? What happened to communicating and explaining what happened and having a discussion about why and what do we do from here?

She has assumed you cheated, and so have you. It doesn't sound like cheating to me. It sounds like you made a mistake. A bad judgement call. Everyone's definition of cheating is different, but this does not sound like something you should lose your wife and kid over.

You guys need to TALK. Not to a counselor, to EACH OTHER.

I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to be upset. She does. You screwed up. But she needs to understand her role in this too. Does that make sense?

Is she willing to talk it out at this point? Or is her mind made up?

Hang in there, zephyr. We're here for ya.

This whole scenario started when an old friend from Highschool wHo I had not seen since 1995 when she was a senior in highschool. Anyways I join this classmates.com site so i could checkout my 10yr and get some details on it. So it asks for some info e-mail addy, I put my cell number etc... Anyways out of the blue I get an e-mail from this girl I used to call a good freind. Actually it was a freind of mines GF but we were pretty tight to as some people are. Anyways its been like 12yrs and she sends me a mail about her and her kids and husband. It was nice to hear from her. This is where it gets bad. Now I never told my wife about this because she is so paranoid of me being a cheater, which I have never been before ever. Anyways the e-mails become more sexually motivated etc....if you know what I mean. She lives in different state. I said some things on the mails that were inappropriate as well like saying I thought she still looked good, some sexual comments were made but I told her I have a wife so none of this is good. Well, my wife hates that im on the PC at any time. She finds a hacker and hacks in to all my accounts. She prints out the bad e-mails and reads them out loud to me. Mind you I stopped e-mailing her like 4 months ago because the mails were just not healthy for me or for her being marrried ya know. Anyways I hear all these dirty mails and I break down in tears. I told her that nothing happened between us. She still considers it cheating. She is right I really screwed up. Ive been beating the shit out of myself now for 2 weeks. I love my wife. Ive now lost my son and my wife over some stupid shit. She just keeps asking "why" would you do this. I said because its a computer screen and I knew nothing would come of it. I think it was the attention I got about someone finding me attractive. Ive never had a lot of girlfreinds in highschool. In college I had started BB and everyone thought i was weird. There is no excuse for my behavior all I can keep saying is im sorry. Also my wife is a widowed wife of 8 or 9 years. Thats the father of her son which I consider my own. She has never once talked about how the death has changed her. SHe just kept going like nothing happened. She has also gained some weight and said her selfesteem is shot. I love her no matter what I was in this for the long haul but sometimes you reap what you sow. My wife has maybe said something nice to me once or twice in the last 4 years. She says im not affectionate. I grew up with a single mom (my father was killed in a car accident when I was 6) and two brothers and a sister. I have never been good at affection or giving attention because it never happened with me. My mom had to work 24/7 to keep us at a house and to keep food on the table. My shortcomings are difficult to deal with for sure. I just keep praying that the lord will choose a good path for me. Any support from you guys is really appreciated your like my family. My wife gets pissed that I come on here and discuss issues and topics again because all attention should be on her. Also I gotta find a place to live which is not gonna be easy. considering all my crap I got. Just bad deal all the way around if anyone falls into this there is no way out.

 

[strongmind]

P.S. I do think your wife needs some help in the self-esteem department and could benefit from some individual therapy to help her deal with the loss in her past and her obvious current trust issues. You seem like a good guy, zephyr. She's scared of losing you too. But there is such a thing as a self-fullfilling prophecy. She believed you would cheat on her... and now she's convinced you have.

 

[Nymusclehead]

Dude I normally wouldnt even answer this,but you seem genuinally legit so I'll give you my opinion,you didnt loose your wife shes pissed and shes blowing off some steam it may take a while to get over this,I just got reaquinted with some chick from my past from classmates.com and this story sounds really familiar and its another reason Im answering this thread very freaky coincedence,were talking within the last week and emails are flying everywere but Im not married anymore so Im not sweatin it and yes there are alot of sexual refrences so on and so forth but none of which will interfer with my relationship with my girlfriend today,Its my opinion like the other member the phsychitrist gave you that you guys need to talk this shit out,make her understand that you love her and that you made a mistake,time will heal this bro no need to throw in the towel,hey man one other thing you said you need to find a place to live that she at her moms house and shes waiting for you to get out of your house so she can come back how about she stays at moms house and she can come back when she figures out shes making a mistake too.Thats what Im talking about........Peace.

 

[zephyr22]

Well.....

Ive tried to talk to her a few times but everytime she gets defensive and starts rereading word for word those stupid e-maiils. Her son, is like my son. I know im not the best dad type in the world because I never really had a father either but I do try hard. This hurts more than anything ive went through and beleive me ive went through a lot. She stated that "i was in love, or something or I wouldnt have wrote those things". I told her no, I was being a freaking perve and went over the line. Ive been with her 6.5 years so this is gonna be so freaking hard on me. It sucks too because even when im at work I cant stop thinking about it. Well I cant change what has been done I know that. I just have to move on. I dont want to but she has had her "fill" and could never trust me again. Then i think living a tighter life than I was before with checkiing my phone, e-mails etc....it probably wouldnt be a good idea. Someday ill stop being messed up. Like I said I need counselling for myself too. I have a lot of unhealed wounds from over the years. Maybe thats a start. Im just gonna miss them so much it makes me cry every time I think about it. I never cry,never. I asked if i could still maybe see the boy still even if things cant be worked out but I dont think she thinks its a good idea, and I can see her point. This is just so hard on us all I can say is i hope Jesus hears my prayers to end some of this hurt. Thanks everyone for listening and giving me a chance to speak. I have tried with freinds and family and it doesnt seem to help because theyr like" well you fucked up, you did cheat now you must repent and lie down and be ready to sacrificed and do whatever she tells you". Its not that I wouldnt do this it just seems like a wasted effort either you love me or you dont. I know I love her. I know I messed up. I am human. I never touched that other women, they were words filthy words yes but words none the less. If I caught my wife doing this I would be hurt yes. I may be mad as hell for a few weeks but im self assured that im a decent guy, I try to be decent. I guess like I said the attention I got from this other woman I used to know was like wow someone thinks im a good looking, smart man etc......My wife is not very good in that department its usually is "your a anobolic junky, all you care about is lifting and the computer. You clothing is horrible it doesnt even match and you embarass me." I agree I should dress better when going out in public with her I just dont put a lot of money into my wardrobe which maybe I should start to. Once in a while ill get a good job honey whic is about 1 time per month. Not to make her into a bad person at all because I still love her she is so sasssy and I love it. Controlling as well but I dont let her control me because Iw wasnt raised to be controlled like a robot. Ive seen other couples go that way and said I dont want that to happen to me.
One other bummer is I was ordering a 350ccc atv quad, a 320cc atv quad and a 125ccc dirt bike with my tax money and a trailer so during the summer we could go up north camping and riding. Just major shitter.

 

[Jerkyboy]

Oh boy.....

ZEPHYR-

u got a lot of sh*t going on and everyone is going to have a difference of opinion but I will give you my input anyway. I will try to keep it short and sweet but I know that to fully connect with you and you situation that probably wont happen.

Oh yeah, and I will be speaking from experience so please take my advice to heart


----------------------------------------

1. You did not cheat on your wife, you were expressing your inner need for affection, support, and positive reinforcement which your wife never gives you. If she had, you probably wouldn't have done what you did.
   
   [this need for affection and to feel good about ourselves is NORMAL, we are human, we all need to feel wanted and needed]
   
   
2. As people we also come across other people in this journey we call life. I am sure you had met a lot of people and made a few good friends before your wife came into the picture. Some of them might be the opposite sex , this too is NORMAL. She can't expect you to not run into them from time to time nor can she expect you to totally cut them off from your life and to not associate with them or talk to them anymore. (Nor can you of her)
   
   
3. We all need friends. Your wife needs to understand this and she cannot expect you to only have her as your 1 friend in life and thats it. You would literally go crazy if your wife was the only person you could see, talk to, or do anything with.
   
   
4. It wasn't necessarily wrong what you did (communication with an old friend) but its the fact you did it without telling your wife that was disrespectful. You know, the who/what/where and how this old friend contacted you and that you would be communicating with her only as a friend. Even if there may have been playful inuendos insinuated in the emails.
   
   [Again, these inuendos probably would not have happened had your wife been giving you everything you needed from a partner in a relationship, and I am not talking about sex either]
   
   
   
5. Its obvious from your text that you two do not have a perfect relationship. You may love her 120% and she may love you 120% but you BOTH have issues (some of them serious). And like most of us you guys keep these skeletons locked in a dark closet way back in the farthest reaches of our minds in hopes they will not come out and everyone will see them. Its a safety thing and totally NORMAL. Unfortunately this little event just made them all come to the surface for BOTH of you.
   
   Now the hard part is dealing with them and sorting them all out.
   
   
6. I agree you two BOTH need counseling. But you also need to communicate with each other about the events that happened, why they happened, and how you two can get these skeletons out of the closet and in the open so you can BOTH deal with them in a mature loving manner. The sooner you two do this the sooner you can start the healing process.
   
   
7. Even though what you did was inconsiderate and disrespectful of your wife, you two seperating or her demanding that you move out of the house over something this small isnt going to fix anything. Running away is the last thing you both need right now. You need to face this and deal with it (her too). Use this experience to strengthen the relationship not weaken it.
   
   
8. Hate to say it, but I am sure you already know your wife is overreacting on this issue. Like others have said, sure she has a right to be upset, not saying she doesn't, but allowing her to drag you thru the mud daily and ruin what little self esteem and self respect you have left is being unfair to yourself. And the more you allow her to do that (to have control over you, to put you down, to tell you the big piece of crap you are)and for you to convince yourself of the same things, is only going to bring you down more and more. Pretty soon there won't be any lower to go and you will probably want to kill yourself.
   
   
   TRUST ME, I HAVE BEEN THERE!
   
   Some of the immense pain you are feeling is coming from feeling guilty and bad about what happened, ie remorse.
   
   Some of the immense pain you are feeling is coming from letting her down. And if you are like me, thats the worst pain you can feel - letting your wife, your best friend, your lover down. After all, if you can't put her first, the one person who is suppose to mean the most to you, to be your everything in life, who can you put first?
   
   TRUST ME, I HAVE BEEN THERE!
   
   And although you dont know it now, some of the immense pain you are feeling is because your inner-self, your subconcious, the part of your soul that makes you be you, is upset that you are allowing yourself to be spoken to like that, to be her whipping boy. Upset that you keep reliving the event day after day after day; belittling yourself again and again and again over the same small incident. Upset that you (your consciousness) allows it to happen continually and NOT forgiving yourself for it.
   
   You are a human being for God's sake. We all make mistakes. You have to let it go! If you don't what the hell do you have left? what the hell do you stand for? what is left to define ZEPHYR as being ZEPHYR?
   
   Once you lose that, what else is there?
   
   TRUST ME, I HAVE BEEN THERE!
   

I know you dont see it now and probably everything everyone is saying to you is going in one ear and out the other. Like you are a zombie or you are watching a tv show called "ZEPHYR's LIFE" from far far away and nothing you do can change the outcome of the show.

I got news for you, you can get thru this, you will get thru this, and someday all the advice people are giving you will start to sink in and make sense.

I am not afraid to admit I have allowed myself to be ridiculed, disrespected, accused of being a cheater, verbally and physically abused, spoken down to like a little kid, my heart broken a million times over the same woman, lose all dignity, self worth or self respect I ever had for myself all for the sake of love and making a f*ked up relationship work. I have cried so hard and for so long I couldnt cry anymore.

I have envisioned putting a double-barrel shotgun in my mouth and pulling the trigger many times over! All because I gave everything and had nothing else to give, lost everything and had nothing else to lose, believed all the negative crap my significant other was saying about me and had convinced myself someone as bad as me had no right to live in the first place.

Luckily I am happy to say somehow by the will of GOD and a couple very good friends who NEVER left my side even after my own family gave up on me, I made it thru that shit. Now I look back at some of the things I was beating myself up over and how I supposedly failed at being a decent man, a good BF, and can't believe I allowed that BITCH FROM HELL to do those things to me and to take my self worth away from me as easily as she did!

I look back and can now see and understand everything everybody was telling me. I was soooo stupid.

Some day you will see it too.



*** I am going to take a break now. I had a bunch more to say on this matter and how both of your pasts have a LOT to do with how you both got to where you are today and in this situation. But I have been writing this for the past 2 1/2 hours and need a break to clear my head. Concentrated on those things so much I have tunnel vision. I will check back later and maybe give some more input on the subject. Your situation really hits close to home and it wasnt that long ago for me either so my mind is a bit muddled at the moment.

If you need to talk, PM me your number and I would be more than happy to speak with you. I dont know you, but if you are a member on this board and openly asking for help thats all I need to know. A human voice on the other end is a lot more reassuring and comforting that just reading some words on a message board.

hang in there, I promise you this is not as bad as your wife is trying to make you believe. You do have people who love and care about you, NEVER forget that!!!

 

[BigBoyJ]

Jerky Boy, you've always got some awesome things to say in this counselling forum. I agree with everything you wrote there.

And Zephyr, I can relate to what you're going through too. Actually, pretty close to the EXACT same situation. I know it hurts like hell right now, but honestly, I have to tell you that in my opinion, you'd be MUCH better off in the long run if you DON'T work things out with her. I know that might sound bad, but when a person with no self esteem is CONSTANTLY trying to drag you down to their level, it can ruin your life. This pain will pass and then you can find someone whose personality compliments your own and will make you feel good about yourself instead of trying to make you feel guilty and suck the life from you.

 

[Grunt76]

Very good post, jerkyboy. Props.

 

[Enanthanator]

Damn Jerkyboy, I though you said you were going to keep it short??? Just kidding with you bro, that was an unbelivably enlightening post. I am quite sure many of us can relate to what you posted, in one way or another, I would like to thank you for that post, it hit home on me as well.

 

[Enanthanator]

Damn Jerkyboy, I though you said you were going to keep it short??? Just kidding with you bro, that was an unbelivably enlightening post. I am quite sure many of us can relate to what you posted, in one way or another, I would like to thank you for that post, it hit home on me as well.

 

[Jerkyboy]

oh stop it!

you guys are literally making me blush right now and I dont know what to say
(just read some PM's from ppl with similar things to say)



I am proud to be able to contribute to the PM board, after all, you guys -and gals- really do feel like a close knit and loving family. Thank you for that

 

[zephyr22]

Well the saga continues...

Thanks for all replies. Ive never been through this kind of stuff. It is really bad. My eating and training have suffered greatly at this point. Me and the wife are on speaking terms. I know now I have hurt her by being a hornball and talking dirty in a e-mail. She said "your only supposed to talk about me that way". Yes, this is true. I screwed up and im trying as I hard as I can to fix this. Ive seen her 2 times since this all went down. Ive been staying at my parents (of all places a grown man should be). Also stayed at a hotel a couple nights but got too expensive. She cries everytime I talk to her about the situation. She seriously thinks I care for someone else....Arent we allowed to mess up????? Im not using it as an excuse but damn for the most part I have been very good to her. I admit emotionally im distraught at times like I said growing up without a father and a full time working mom was tough. So expressing emotions I am not good at. Im trying to get better with it. Its just hard when so many years go buy and seems so status quoe. Then you realise what things are important. Im pretty depressed about the whole thing. Im dissappointed more in me than anything else. I never meant to hurt anyone nor was I trying to be sneaky. It just ended up being stupid.....I just wish this all would have not happened. You, live and learn and move on I guess,..... At least I hope. Like I said thanks for everyones support.

 

[hngrygrl]

please dont hate me for what I'm about to say

I've looked at this post and looked at it and told myself that I wouldnt reply to it, but I think I need to explain some things from your wife's point of view.

okay, a few years ago I gained a shit ton of weight leading me to have low self esteem. I've always been a little bigger but this was A LOT!! and I was soon to get married.

okay.....so

low self esteem you wife has........and she reads that you've written to another woman that you'd like to see her in a fucking thong! My husband would be shot then and there (I love you honey! )for saying that to another woman. I dont give a fuck. You can think it, you can lust about it, but when you actually type/say those words that is crossing a line. You wife already feels bad about herself and now she feels that you are lusting after another woman.
I've always told my husband, "dont ever write something to someone else that you wouldnt want me to read". If I do read it, he was warned and will suffer the maximum punishment I see fit. (again, I love you honey!)
Do you truly love your wife?? If you did, you wouldnt be writing sexually explicite emails to other woman. Are you still married to your wife beacuse she's become routine for you? When that happens its time to leave. Thats just how I feel about the matter. maybe you are not getting something from her that you need. Attention. Obviously she's not giving you the attention that you feel you need.

I'm mean, seriously, if your wife wrote an email to another man and told him that she wouldnt mind seeing his dick again, how would you feel about the situation. Seriously, just pretend for a second that the things that other woman said to you (who is probably in all means also seeking attention from you as well) in her emails were your wife saying them to another man. and all the things that you said to her were being said to your wife by another man. how would you feel??
if you'd be okay with it then I'd say its time to throw in the towel and you really shouldnt be married.

Honey, I'm not trying to hurt you with what I'm saying, I'm just trying to help you understand the heartbreak and wanting to die she must have felt when she read what you wrote to the other woman. If you want to PM me and talk about this I'd be more than willing to talk with you. Every marriage goes thru tragedy its just how much both ppl are willing to work to make things better that will save the marriage. Take care and do some thinking with your heart right now. It will help you.
Remember: we dont know what we've got till its gone
Take care and pm me any time
Lindsay


ps.. I forgot to mention that I think its completely hidious that she hired someone. Thats too much. As far as the counseling, I've found that counseling solves abosolutely nothing if both ppl who go arent honest or dont see that there's some kind of issue. or if they try to blame everything on the other person. you gotta take some responsiblity. Read Atlus Shrugged, it explains all about human nature and how ppl try to blame every bad thing in their life on someone else. better yet, have her read it. It completely opened my eyes to my own shortcomings and life.

Again.. i dont want you to think that I was riping on you. Just trying to explain from an irrational low self esteem females point of view.
Stay strong

 

[hngrygrl]

okay, i read my post and I sound like a heartless bitch to you and to everyone else probably. just trying to explain things. guess i'm not very articulate when it comes to typing my thoughts. sorry.

 

[hngrygrl]

OTH posts

Regarding infidelity… this is perhaps the toughest love destroyer of all. Not only does it send a message to your beloved spouse or boy/girlfriend that you can’t be trusted but also that she (or he) is not good or enough for you. If this is the case then it is your duty to let that person go find a life with someone who WILL treat him or her properly. Otherwise it’s plain that you are only thinking of yourself and I have no help or pity for you.

true, you may not of had sexual intercourse with her but to your wife, you cheated with your thoughts and your words. In an Animal Behavior class I took we looked at a scientific study of men and women. They were each told: your spouse has a purely sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex or your spouse has a strictly non sexual but deeply emotional realtionship with a member of the opposite sex. They used honest answers but they also used brain wave functioning equiptment and blood pressure detectors for this. Of the responders: 85% of men were angered by the sexual relationship while 65% if women were. but heres the kicker: on the emotional relationship one only 15% of men were angered while 92% of women had a high rise in BP. Just shows you how most women are (not all, we have some very powerful strong, independant women on here)



Self-esteem… this is another big one. I see more low self-esteem now than I did just a few years ago. It seems with every new generation, people have even less self-esteem. I’d hate to have to go through the counseling forum and highlight every self-deprecating remark. I’m not going to write a volume here as I could on this topic alone but will just bring it up to try and illustrate to you that you should never use someone’s low self-esteem to your advantage or allow someone to take advantage of you because of your lack of self-esteem. Not an easy thing to ask of you but self-esteem is fragile. Although it can be broke, it can also be rebuilt. Take comfort in that. Keep in mind though that tearing it down is easier than building it back up. If your self-esteem hinges on another person’s opinion of you, than you have low self-esteem. This is common among females who are raised to think that the unrealistic standards of beauty portrayed in the media are the measure of their self-worth – although this same thing is becoming more common in males as well. I see it in men who try unsuccessfully to follow in their father's footsteps as well as MANY, MANY other places/scenerios.