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I LOVE my girl, but I keep talking to other girls on-line.

haze324

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642
I am 32 years old, and have been with my gf for about 2 years.

I am completely in love with her, and am sure that we are meant to be and will get married. However, some days I get scared and I look to see what else is out there. What am I missing out on. I've never cheated on my girl. Never met with a girl for lunch, never lied to her about where I was at. I escape to the internet -- sometimes I check out girls on Facebook, other times I exchange emails with girls and filrt. LIke some guys, the "chase" I find fun, im good at it and it's what I know to do -- but I know deep down I am not capable of ever crossing any physical lines.

I treasure my girl and love her tons, but marraige scares me. I don't come from a very loving family. My mother passed away when I was young and my father left my sister and I. My sister is my best friend, yet I never tell her I love her. I'm not one of those people thats says I love you much, but I do say it every chance I get to my girfriend. I sometimes get scared that if I propose people will question me or doubt that I did the right thing, I have a hard time answering calls from my GF at work and talking to her like I would normally do. I really think and know though, that a real man can push that insecurity away and love his life partner like she deserves.

I have bad habbits that I can't break, my friends expect me to pick up the hot chicks..so I get online to see what else is out there, could there be anything better than what i have --- and really there isn't, my girl is perfect, but I still look, and really i'm disrepecting my girl and wasting energy and time on something negative instead of her.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be sure of my feelings and give her the world, she deserves it. Where can I start. Can someone recommend a book that goes into detail on how to start fixing this.
 

Jello

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Bro, you're 32 years old. Stop worrying what your friends think and do what's right by your girl. If you care for her like you say you do that shouldn't be hard.
 

madmick

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Bro, you're 32 years old. Stop worrying what your friends think and do what's right by your girl. If you care for her like you say you do that shouldn't be hard.
Solid advice
 

BallBuster

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U do this mainly bcuz u r insecure, u have a need to confirm over and over again that u r wanted and worthy. I will tell u that this probably stems from feelings of abandonment from ur childhood. Ur father leaving and ur mother passing is the cause, even tho ur mom didn't walk outta ur life, in a child's mind it is the same and has the same psychological affect. When feeling unloved or rejected by a parent (the ppl who shld love u unconditionally) a child's self worth is affected and often continues into adulthood.

U have to learn to see ur self worth in being the kind of man u wld have wanted to have as an example in ur life ...an HONEST and LOVING man!! Instead of seeking it from
women telling u ur great.

On another note ur behavior is still cheating even tho u say that u r not crossing any physical lines. Anytime u step outside of ur relationship to have ur needs met, whether it b physical or emotional, U R CHEATING!! AND if she catches on to ur behavior u will have trust issues the remainder of ur relationship, if she decides to stay that is!

As for ur commitment issues that is usually a fear of failure. It seems u have some work to do before u can take this step anyway. The fact that u acknowledge these issues is a good start. I wld suggest seeking therapy to help resolve the feelings of abandonment and I'd b willing to bet the other stuff will then correct itself.


IMO of course;)
 

Shark22

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May 23, 2009
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217
Work on this bro.......good woman is hard to come by these days. A woman can sometimes make you or break you and this lady sounds like she does it for you man. If you lose her, another may never come around. Dam, I got something real good here bro and I thank god for it.
 

haze324

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Jun 18, 2002
Messages
642
U do this mainly bcuz u r insecure, u have a need to confirm over and over again that u r wanted and worthy. I will tell u that this probably stems from feelings of abandonment from ur childhood. Ur father leaving and ur mother passing is the cause, even tho ur mom didn't walk outta ur life, in a child's mind it is the same and has the same psychological affect. When feeling unloved or rejected by a parent (the ppl who shld love u unconditionally) a child's self worth is affected and often continues into adulthood.

U have to learn to see ur self worth in being the kind of man u wld have wanted to have as an example in ur life ...an HONEST and LOVING man!! Instead of seeking it from
women telling u ur great.

On another note ur behavior is still cheating even tho u say that u r not crossing any physical lines. Anytime u step outside of ur relationship to have ur needs met, whether it b physical or emotional, U R CHEATING!! AND if she catches on to ur behavior u will have trust issues the remainder of ur relationship, if she decides to stay that is!

As for ur commitment issues that is usually a fear of failure. It seems u have some work to do before u can take this step anyway. The fact that u acknowledge these issues is a good start. I wld suggest seeking therapy to help resolve the feelings of abandonment and I'd b willing to bet the other stuff will then correct itself.


IMO of course;)
BB,

Not sure who you are --- but you are dead on man. The shitty part is that I just left the country for a year. Took a job in the middle east and my girl is waiting for me at home and I keep rocking the boat. Especially since I am bored and lonely now, looking for hot girls to fill my vacant time with. But like most have said on here --- I have an awesome girl waiting for me and I'm risking losing that for a fantasy on email. I would love to find some one that offers online counseling or books to read on the subject. I have the energy and focus to fix this. I've been like this for a long time and thought I would "grow out of it". Guess not.
 

triathloncoach

Featured Member / Kilo Klub / Board Supporter
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4,425
Imho

Well, you aren't married and you live on different continents. I wouldn't beat myself up to much over this. You are apart for a year?

Unfortunately ball busters advice hit home for me. And throw in a little narcissism too.

But dam, your single and your 5000 miles apart for 12 months. That's a tough situation to say the least. You aren't such a bad guy. There's a difference between single and engaged, and universe of difference between single and married.

Be happy. Life is very short.
 

haze324

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642
Hey I hear ya, but I just left. Me leaving was a planned thing between her and I. I left with hopes of planning a vacation with her in a few months, coming home and getting married to her ---- but man, the moment I left I've been emailing girls to kill some time. A while back she read some of these emails and it crushed her but she stuck it through and here I am back at it.
 

Sigmund Roid

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I think much of what you are describing is normal behavior.

I am 32 years old, and have been with my gf for about 2 years.

I am completely in love with her, and am sure that we are meant to be and will get married. However, some days I get scared and I look to see what else is out there. What am I missing out on. I've never cheated on my girl. Never met with a girl for lunch, never lied to her about where I was at. I escape to the internet -- sometimes I check out girls on Facebook, other times I exchange emails with girls and filrt. LIke some guys, the "chase" I find fun, im good at it and it's what I know to do -- but I know deep down I am not capable of ever crossing any physical lines.

I treasure my girl and love her tons, but marraige scares me. I don't come from a very loving family. My mother passed away when I was young and my father left my sister and I. My sister is my best friend, yet I never tell her I love her. I'm not one of those people thats says I love you much, but I do say it every chance I get to my girfriend. I sometimes get scared that if I propose people will question me or doubt that I did the right thing, I have a hard time answering calls from my GF at work and talking to her like I would normally do. I really think and know though, that a real man can push that insecurity away and love his life partner like she deserves.

I have bad habbits that I can't break, my friends expect me to pick up the hot chicks..so I get online to see what else is out there, could there be anything better than what i have --- and really there isn't, my girl is perfect, but I still look, and really i'm disrepecting my girl and wasting energy and time on something negative instead of her.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be sure of my feelings and give her the world, she deserves it. Where can I start. Can someone recommend a book that goes into detail on how to start fixing this.
A guy who has been able to date many good looking women is often loath to give that situation up easily. It's easy for someone who doesn't have those options to get all high and mighty with the advice.

The fact that you've had some abandonment issues helps to shape the person you've become. Those issues don't define who you are though. You can do what you want to in this life. If this girl is someone valuable enough to you then that's a choice you will have to make. Set some guidelines for your behavoir and stick to it. Treat her like you'd like to be treated.

I personally have read books by Dr. Glasser. One of my favorites is "Reality Therapy". Excellent due to the fact that you don't need to sit around worrying about what happened when you were six years old. You make a plan for the things that you'd like to change NOW, in the present.
 

haze324

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Jun 18, 2002
Messages
642
Sig,

Thanks for the response - I'll look up Dr. Glasser now.

I sometimes feel like i'm set in my ways and constantly need to be seeking the hot girls, or the one no one can get and make it a challenge to get her --- even if I don't sleep with her, knowing that I can is enough.

I really do love my girl. She is my other half. Somedays though, I'll see a girl thats taller than my girl and I'll think "man I miss dating hot tall model type girls" or it happens with brunettes, or girls with light eyes whatever my girl doesn't have I go search for. I really do understand that no one is ever perfect but when will I be happy -- for the long haul?? Most days I never have these thoughts and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, fully committed and not wanting to be anywhere else in the world, but that doesn't last long.

I've had this talk with my girl. She found some emails one time and she described me as having a an ego that needs filling with a side of fear of commitment. Then add some "i get bored" easily and im out finding new things and ways to play with. I'm in the middle east now because I was bored of my job.

I was doing good. I cancelled my facebook account and stopped contact with other girls recently. Then as I was getting ready to leave and old friend who I had persued, but ended up choosing my girl over her contacted me. She is so many things my girl isn't --- but I know I don't want her for a relationship. I just want the chase and conquer. If she wouldn't have contacted me, things would be fine. It feels like I had a relapse!!!
 
Last edited:

xxxChrisxxx

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Mar 14, 2009
Messages
63
bro you've been apart for as long as you've been together. it's cool you want to be faithful but i'm not interested in sugar coating anything for you so i'll just go ahead and say she's only human and has her needs just like the rest of us. what makes you think she's being faithful? Just trying to keep things real.
 

Platinum_OG

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Jul 4, 2010
Messages
133
/

Flurting doesnt hurt as long as you know where to draw the line. If you cant deciofer rite from wrong then you make the bed you sllep in. DO you beleive in Karma?
I found a girl a few months back, she was HOT ! And a sexual WildFire, but after cheating on my girl behind her back, and planing on getn serious with this girl , i found out after 4 and a half months she had an oldman... SO remember Karma can bite you in the Ass. Be happy with what you got. Or break up with her and Go find some Strange and see what your options are. But dont give Bad Karma a chance to bite you in the Ass.
 

Platinum_OG

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,

But if shes doing the same thing , Or you arent with her all the time, Cut it loose and be happy for the goodtimes you shared with her , and Find a new Woman. Theres alot of them out there Bro.
 

haze324

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Jun 18, 2002
Messages
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Guys I am 100% sure she is not messing around and the thought would never cross her mind. She is one of those "good" girls.

We Skyped a bit last night and she was working on some homework for Nursing school. It broke my heart to see her. The thing is - this really isn't about here, its about me finding how to be happy and not always looking to see if there is greener grass somewhere else. If its not her, it will be with the next one, and the one after that. I am constantly trying to see what else is out there and not because I am unhappy - I am just like this all the time, and I want to stop that. I want to learn how to be happy with what I have without feeling like I am settling or underachieving.
 

b dub b

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Bro, I have had the same issues. I am married and have been for 2yrs and 2months. My wife and I recently seperated, we are not throwing in the towel completely are I am going to work on me for a bit, but the facebook/emailing can cause soo much uneeded problems and almost put you in a fantasy land. Its like excaping reality. I am basically in the same boat you are (plus my marriage), my wife is a nurse. She is the greatest woman ever, beautiful, intelligent, self driven, motivated and the most selfLESS person I know. I will not ever find another one and am lost with out her. Shes my world, and Im to blame for flipping my world around. Bro take it from me who is already in the situation you possibly for see in your future. Love her cherish her and do what you need to do to stay with her if you truly do love her. Yea their may be some greener grass on the other side, but greener isnt always better my friend. This thread has helped me out a little bit myself. Its almost like a Im a prisoner in my own world half of me loves the marriage and than the immature side of me loves doing what I do. Its a hard decision, but youve got to have your heart and mind on the same page. Stick to the script and stop skipping scenes bro.
 

driven

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Jul 16, 2010
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Bro, I've thought about keeping quiet on the subject - especially since most everyone else is suggesting the opposite of what I'm about to say...

I'm 35, I've been engaged a number of times, but cheated every time - and then broke it off. It's not like I didn't love the girls or respect them, it's just that at some point they weren't the most interesting person in the room. And I wanted to meet new people.

I tried everything to not cheat - one girl became my best friend - we'd do everything together, but when I'd go out with the guys, I'd always end up with someone else that night -- I'd feel guilty as hell -- I started taking antidepressants - and that worked. It shut off my sex drive and I just sat there and vegetated like a fucking monk.

But a number of months later when she left town for work, thinking I was cured and wanting to see what would happen, I went off the doxepin. Bro, I fucked everyone. I fucked ex's, bartenders, waitresses, doctors, nurses, her friends, my neighbors.

It's like I had been pulling a rubber band further and further back and when I let go it just flew! When she got back, no one said anything, but everywhere we went, there was someone I had cheated on her with. I felt bad because everyone I slept with had a secret on MY BEST FRIEND - and she just looked so naive and stupid being with me. I could do that to a girlfriend, but not to my best friend.

I came clean and told her, she still wanted to be with me saying, "Honey, I knew you were a cheater when I met you" WTF??? But in time she learned to hate me and turned her entire friend circle against me -- oh well (I slept with some of them too). I tried to keep the friendship with her but she made it impossible - if she couldn't have me as her boyfriend, she didn't want me at all.

Well, the point to all of this is that I don't believe in repressing yourself - because when you do it manifests in really fucked up over-the-top behavior.

If you're cheating or want to cheat, you're not happy. This isn't like the cold - it will not go away over time, it will just get worse and you'll eventually resent her and she'll resent you too. If she's not the most interesting person in the room (for you) -- no matter what room you're in, then let her go - don't be a dick to someone you care about - no matter how good she is for you, you're NOT good for her.

As for me, 3 years ago I met someone who has always been the most interesting person in the room -- for me (even when she's not in the room). I've had chances with other women, but I always wanted to just go back home to be with her. I lived 4 hours from her for a year and would rather just wait to see her than *get off* with some random girl that showed a little interest. So, who knows, maybe I'm lucky.. maybe I matured (doubt it), but whatever it is, I held out and eventually found someone I haven't ever wanted to cheat on.

Oh, and to all the other girls, thanks for the memories.

Good luck bro.

Peace

-driven
 

xxxChrisxxx

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Guys I am 100% sure she is not messing around and the thought would never cross her mind. She is one of those "good" girls.

.
I've never run across one those animals in the wild. Hell, I've never even heard of one.
 

Mack

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Jul 23, 2010
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flirting with a girl in person or online is not cheating but it is empty... totally ego and leads to nothing..

I am married and I had a problem with flirting to much.. just leaves you empty in the end.
 

stankyleg

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Oct 4, 2010
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Turn off the computer. You wouldnt want her doing that same stuff. Learn to be content with the gratification that she gives you, if you value her as a girl friend. my .02
 

luiggg

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Jan 28, 2011
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sorry.

read the hole thing,
same problem here,
but my gf flirts with my cousins in front of me. i tryed to leave her a couple of times but, the sex and bjs are just so good. i just cant.
i am not happy with her.
also my last gf left me for a girl. so i went and had a couple of girls too.
my gf is a bit overweight an she is one of those that thinks she is very hot and afraid to leave me.

what do i do ??
 

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