Moved to a city without knowing anyone

[earch]

I'll jump right into it. I moved from a smaller city in NY half way across the country to chicago for a new job and know absolutely know one here.

Before I was a very out going guy, had some real close friends, would go out when I needed to and have fun.

I'v been in Chicago for probably 2 months now and am really starting to miss the close relationships I had back east, being able to confide and just idk, hang out with socially.

I see that Im becoming a little awkward socially and it bothers the shit out of me. All I do now is work, like 10 hours a day when I only need to work 8. I actually stay at work late on purpose just so I dont have to go home and do nothing but stare at my four walls. I voluntarily am coming in every Saturday for weeks now lol

I'v gone out every weekend alone but its just odd not having a wing man or group to walk into a place with... iv become that guy drinking alone at the bar... weird feeling bros. I never had trouble making friends but realize now that that probably mostly had to do with college and the introduction of people via mutual friends. I did not realize how much of a struggle moving to a huge city and legit knowing 0 people within 5 hours of driving could be.

IDK just wanted to ramble for a little bit, see if any of you guys have had similar experiences. I guess iv become a little depressed and anxious and have noticed a real turn down in my intensity in the things I used to go full bore in, including my training.

 

[Incognito1]

That's sucks mate. It's not a good feeling. I had a similar thing happen to me a few years ago where I was personally travelling down the wrong road, hanging with the wrong people and the only way to kick my troubled ways was to not see them ever again. Which left a massive void.
What you might find useful is to try to join a group or organisation where there are people with similar passions or ideals. Maybe a sporting group or a charity group, something like that.
It always takes time to rebuild but try not to shut yourself out from being approachable.

Best of luck buddy

 

[HOOLIGAN]

The same exact thing happened to me several years ago. I left a good job in Atlanta for a better job in Florida. I had a lot of good friends in Atlanta and didn't know anyone in Florida.
All I did was work and train. I took my training to a level that I never had before and made more progress than ever before.
I met some cool people at the gym but all of my new coworkers were married with children.
It took some time for my social life to rebound but it eventually did. It was a lonely and boring process.
Stay positive and keep your head up. Things will get back to normal.

 

[earch]

The same exact thing happened to me several years ago. I left a good job in Atlanta for a better job in Florida. I had a lot of good friends in Atlanta and didn't know anyone in Florida.
All I did was work and train. I took my training to a level that I never had before and made more progress than ever before.
I met some cool people at the gym but all of my new coworkers were married with children.
It took some time for my social life to rebound but it eventually did. It was a lonely and boring process.
Stay positive and keep your head up. Things will get back to normal.

Thanks for the kind words guys!

Yeah I think once I get my head back into training and dieting properly that will take some of the edge off.... unfortunately I need to shed a few pounds before I can think of gaining some more size and we all know how much that can suck haha.

The vast majority of my co-workers are as you said, older and with children.

Just been a real shock and hard to adopt to.

 

[trenlover]

earch

loneliness in life sucks, but it is part of life. you go through times when u are completely alone, I think its good for us to go through it....it shows you whats really important in life. I have lived in almost every state in the southeast, and I have had that feeling ur talking about several times in my life. its painful, worse than physical pain, at times.

we were not made to be alone, but im a loner in every sense. im married but I still spend a lot of time alone, and ur right it does suck sometimes. this is a point in ur life bro, where you will grow into a more compassionate and stronger man. pain most always brings growth, not just physically but emotionally as well.

I have to agree with incognito 1, the best way to cure loneliness is to go where people are. organizations, church, charities, helping other people always seems to be the cure for this in my life. I need to start doing it again myself, thanks for sharing this brother, it was a real blessing for me to read this. good luck bro.

 

[flexdurden]

Wanted to give you my experience... I grew up in a small town in PA and after college I got a job offer in MD. It was really an opportunity i couldn't pass up, so without know a soul, I packed up and headed off...

When I started the job I tried to connect with some people around the office. Find people who had some similar interests and just start small talk and look for events around the area and make plans with acquaintances to go out together. I also just became interested in others. I asked people about the city and good places to go and just said, "Hey I've never been there...why don't we make plans and get some people together to go out?"

But in all honesty, I met most of my friends at the gym. Just try to catch guys in the locker rooms or after they are done or if you see them socializing. Just be straight up and say, "Hey fellas, I'm pretty green to this area and don't know much about the scene, where do you guys go?" and then, ask if they wouldn't mind introducing you to some friends.

It is weird at first, but sometimes you just have to do it. You can also look for some meet-up groups and get involved in the community. The more involved you get, the more people you'll meet.

And think about it like this, all of your past, that is gone... this is your chance to re-invent yourself. If you ever wanted to come across differently but because people already knew you, you just couldn't change your style or the way people reacted to you. Now you can do that. If you want to be perceived a certain way, do it.

Growing up I was always called quiet, well I didn't like that so I made sure that I spoke up around people and worked on building my confidence to spout off witty in the moment comments.

I wish you the best man. Don't let yourself be alone, if you want to change, step outside of the box and do it. The only person stopping you is you.

-mental

 

[Cito33189]

I moved from Boston to San Diego last year. I did not know one person here. I like you have an extremely close tight knit group of friends. Actually I ve been friends with those guys since I was 6-8 years old.

I got extremely lonely at first. Not only that but I broke up with a girl I was with for 7 years. So I was mindfucked for the longest time.

The only thing I can tell you is this. Be humble, be out going, and don't be scared to initiate conversations. If you don't talk to people how do you expect to meet people? If your working all these hours and excluding yourself purposely what do you think is going to happen? Your setting yourself up for a lonely life for no reason.

I wasn't necessarily looking for guy friends, I was more wrapped up in meeting girls. I wanted to be a single bacholer so for me I was just all about meeting women. Go out on dates, meet there friends, there friends friends, get invited to other social gatherings. Hang out with people at work.

A lot of guys talk to me in the gym or I talked to them then it just became a friendly environment.

You have to absolutely have to talk to people and get out of your comfort zone. Don't be embarrassed. Your by yourself if you do something stupid or embarrassing then move on, no one saw it lol. It's funny because I use to be scared to talk to extremely hot girls in fear of getting shot down. When I saw hot I mean 10's. But one night I was alone and said if she says no my boys aren't hear to rag on me fuck it. HAHAHAHA well she said no and then I was like fuck it that's not so bad on to the next one.

 

[earch]

Well as much as I hate to say this things have more or less gone from bad to worse.

I came out here on the short list for a promotion to a role I wanted and was recently passed over, although the company is expanding daily and there will be more opportunities it hit me hard. real hard. I came for work, career, and nothing else. I am very focused on work and the career, have always been all about what I do no matter what it is.

The past week I have hardly been able to train, eating like crap (Walmart Pizzas anyone... 6 days in a row?) and just well generally, depressed. obviously as anyone would be. I've come to hate my job and feel miliseconds away from flattening a co-worker on the spot. Clearly I fucked up making this choice and moving here. I can recognize I have been binging for a week on junk food as a symptom of depression and need to do something about it.

For ever I have been a strong willed son of a bitch but I'm no longer feeling like me at all. Went to a crowded bar and couldnt even talk to anyone, sat there drinking alone when normally I would be all up in the shit having a good time and talking to people, networking, working chicks and getting laid. The psychological degeneration that has occurred is amazing. I'v never felt so impotent in my life.

I think if I just liked what I did for a living anymore I would be okay, but my unhappiness at work has crept fully into every aspect of my life. The money is not bad but I just take way to much personal pride in my work to do what I am doing and be treated as I am.

I hate to bitch and moan on the internet but I dont have anywhere else to go, I cant bring myself to tell my friends back east how much shit has hit the fan for me because I dont want them to worry.

Time to punch out of this one and look for another gig or tough it out, get my head straight and fuck some people up?

Sorry for sounding like a tool but this is the counseling forum and I'm in a tough spot for me.

 

[renewlyf]

Hey erach
Maybe this is one of those turning points in one's life where its time to evaluate the path you are on. I say this based on your comment about not being happy with what you do for work. If you're not doing what makes you happy a promotion in that same field wouldn't make it any better. Would it?
What makes you happy?
Im using my tablet with crappy 4G service so ill have to keep it short.
Think aboiut what you would really like to do with your life. Then ask yourself why your not doing it.
Hang in there!

 

[Incognito1]

That really sucks to hear that your move isn't getting any better mate.

It's a tough one for us to help you decide on what you should do. But from what I am feeling by your last post, you have already made up your mind, but may be a little scared to go back to your hometown.
All I can say to that mate is if you don't try in the beginning, you have already failed. You gave it a shot, It's unfortunate that the move hasn't worked out but I don't think anyone will think anything less of you if you return home.
And by sounds you are very focused on a successful career, so if you can regain your positive thoughts and harness them to get your career back on track I'm sure in the long run this will just be life experience.
Depression is not good though buddy, been there. You really need to change that ASAP before you fall into a spiral.

Best of luck with your decision mate

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Well as much as I hate to say this things have more or less gone from bad to worse.

I came out here on the short list for a promotion to a role I wanted and was recently passed over, although the company is expanding daily and there will be more opportunities it hit me hard. real hard. I came for work, career, and nothing else. I am very focused on work and the career, have always been all about what I do no matter what it is.

The past week I have hardly been able to train, eating like crap (Walmart Pizzas anyone... 6 days in a row?) and just well generally, depressed. obviously as anyone would be. I've come to hate my job and feel miliseconds away from flattening a co-worker on the spot. Clearly I fucked up making this choice and moving here. I can recognize I have been binging for a week on junk food as a symptom of depression and need to do something about it.

For ever I have been a strong willed son of a bitch but I'm no longer feeling like me at all. Went to a crowded bar and couldnt even talk to anyone, sat there drinking alone when normally I would be all up in the shit having a good time and talking to people, networking, working chicks and getting laid. The psychological degeneration that has occurred is amazing. I'v never felt so impotent in my life.

I think if I just liked what I did for a living anymore I would be okay, but my unhappiness at work has crept fully into every aspect of my life. The money is not bad but I just take way to much personal pride in my work to do what I am doing and be treated as I am.

I hate to bitch and moan on the internet but I dont have anywhere else to go, I cant bring myself to tell my friends back east how much shit has hit the fan for me because I dont want them to worry.

Time to punch out of this one and look for another gig or tough it out, get my head straight and fuck some people up?

Sorry for sounding like a tool but this is the counseling forum and I'm in a tough spot for me.

Apology accepted because your thinking is all backwards on this. Remember, this is a counseling forum, but it's a counseling forum on a board devoted to health and fitness.

It's not hard to see what the problem is here. You talk about your pride and "fuck[ing] some people up". What the hell is that?!? And what's with sitting at the bar alone. Okay, so stop going to bars. Besides, what do you think? A peck of dudes is going to sit down with you one night and say, "Hey! Come hop around with us!" Not gonna happen. Quite frankly, you sound off very much like you have an attitude problem. People don't respond well to that.

Look for friends by GIVING yourself and your time and energy to OTHERS rather than just looking and waiting for others to give themselves to you. Only then will you start getting invites and make some inroads into some social networks that will put you back in the social pipeline. If you explained your "problem" to me at a party the way you have here, I would do whatever I could to get the hell away from you.

Become one of the guys again, you're not the ring leader in this new environment (at least not yet). Be generous and understanding with others and you will find friends.

At the same time, don't be so generous as to appear desperate or needy. Nobody wants that. I wish you the very best and hope you can find your comfort zone surrounded by real friends in your new environment.

Or what? You can return to your drinking buddies back east? Doesn't sound so great either. I have every confidence that you can do this. Be a friend and you will have friends.

Best wishes!

OTH

 

[OuchThatHurts]

earch, what's the update on your situation? How are things going?