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paying for parent's funerals

hanquin

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Apr 15, 2011
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okay, so my dad-81- hasn't died NOR am i looking forward to it but it's come to light recently that it's probably going to cost me some $$ for a proper burial for him.
had $ issues his whole life, nothing to show for it, my stepsisters are wrapped up w/their ailing mother(his wife) and i understand all this but he also had me thinking he had enough in life insurance for his burial. it turns out that's not the case and, as i said i'm not looking for him to pass but it could be any day for him OR his wife (both in bad health) and my question is has anyone ever had to deal w/ a situation like this?
cremation is OUT of the question for these folks (i have no qualms at all, non-traditional but cheaper and let's face it, easier) on everyone so i'm currently just doing what i can.
the pisser is that my wife and i live WAY below our means. we share a car, keep our debt low, good credit, don't overspend, all the right things but this has a very real potential to put a damper on my finances.
he said he had 5K in life insurance, plus another 1K from the VA but then he told me that he'd just started paying on the life insurance policy this yr.
then he went ahead and got another 1K in life insurance but still, it's gonna come outta my pocket i'm sure. even though we've had our differences and have put them behind us and i am enjoying our days together (once a week) i can't help but get frustrated and am wondering if there are some other measures i could take now or if it's just too late in the game.
it's not like he's on death's door or anything, but he has a bad hip, foot probs,bad heart, overweight, blind in one eye, but still has his mind in tact. i just feel like any day i could get the call and it's stressful as hell.

oh well, just venting i guess but if anyone has any ideas or has been in a similar situation, i'm open to any.

thanks
 

Heath82

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Sep 14, 2012
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Go talk to a few funeral homes, tell them your budget and see what you can get. Don’t buy an expensive casket, have a church service or graveside (that way you aren’t paying to use the funeral home for the service).
 

buck

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The ultimate decision on on what happens will be up to the wife as long as the funds are available. And Social Security pays $255 death benefit.
 
Last edited:

Beti ona

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Donate your his to science.
 

HOOLIGAN

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Cremation is the only economical option.
Why are they against it?
 

Germaine

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Dec 26, 2006
Messages
113
okay, so my dad-81- hasn't died NOR am i looking forward to it but it's come to light recently that it's probably going to cost me some $$ for a proper burial for him.
had $ issues his whole life, nothing to show for it, my stepsisters are wrapped up w/their ailing mother(his wife) and i understand all this but he also had me thinking he had enough in life insurance for his burial. it turns out that's not the case and, as i said i'm not looking for him to pass but it could be any day for him OR his wife (both in bad health) and my question is has anyone ever had to deal w/ a situation like this?
cremation is OUT of the question for these folks (i have no qualms at all, non-traditional but cheaper and let's face it, easier) on everyone so i'm currently just doing what i can.
the pisser is that my wife and i live WAY below our means. we share a car, keep our debt low, good credit, don't overspend, all the right things but this has a very real potential to put a damper on my finances.
he said he had 5K in life insurance, plus another 1K from the VA but then he told me that he'd just started paying on the life insurance policy this yr.
then he went ahead and got another 1K in life insurance but still, it's gonna come outta my pocket i'm sure. even though we've had our differences and have put them behind us and i am enjoying our days together (once a week) i can't help but get frustrated and am wondering if there are some other measures i could take now or if it's just too late in the game.
it's not like he's on death's door or anything, but he has a bad hip, foot probs,bad heart, overweight, blind in one eye, but still has his mind in tact. i just feel like any day i could get the call and it's stressful as hell.

oh well, just venting i guess but if anyone has any ideas or has been in a similar situation, i'm open to any.

thanks

I shot you a PM. You said your dad gets $1,000 from the VA. In the PM i explained what you can do and how you can do it. Being a Veteran of 12 years with the United States Marine Corps and five tours of combat I also get money from the VA. Hope my PM is able to help you.

Semper Fi,

Brother
 

rmtt

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Sorry to hear about those types of issues. These things are hard to talk about years before they happen even when just planning.

You said that you live below your means...is there any room for trying to save a little bit over time as it is better than nothing? You never know how much longer he may be around and it could be longer than you think.

Not saying that you aren't doing everything you can at the moment, but unfortunately it's times like those that it seems like the whole family turns on each other.

But like mentioned already....go talk with a few places and see about numbers. Basically your looking at a casket...do something graveside or at a local church you can use...and then a burial plot. So you have a few options.

I'm currently saving right now for a wedding that will happen in about 1.5 years. Didn't know they got to be so expensive. But it's my only child and she is currently in med school and working to pay on her loans. We were able to put her through her undergrad program at a good school with her not owing anything coming out....but reality hit when she started the next round of education.
 

ripper99

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Jan 5, 2016
Messages
61
I recently dealt with this earlier this spring when my father passed away and he had no life insurance or any money saved at all for his burial and the burden was on myself and my sister.

My father always said "I could care less once I'm dead, make a big bon fire and light it up because when I'm gone, I'm gone"

So be it, I gave him the next best thing and that was cremation BUT this still cost us a bit of money when all was said and done, my sister did get a few dollars from his pension and I gave her $1500 also and she got things taken care of, I had recently lost a contract and was out of work so had the funeral cost $10K or something we would have been screwed.

My sister and I did what WE felt was right, my father never planned for his death nor did he seem to care that his kids might be stuck with the expense so we didn't go out of our way to go into debt, RIP dad!
 

maldorf

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Even if you cremate, they make you buy some sort of wooden casket, not sure how much that costs.

To keep cost down you could just have a small wake at your home after he is buried rather than have a fancy service at a church or funeral home. You should talk with him about what he wants specifically and during that conversation you can work in how you are worried about paying for the expense. That is if you think he would be comfortable doing that.
 

Explorerspl

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Apr 24, 2012
Messages
250
okay, so my dad-81- hasn't died NOR am i looking forward to it but it's come to light recently that it's probably going to cost me some $$ for a proper burial for him.
had $ issues his whole life, nothing to show for it, my stepsisters are wrapped up w/their ailing mother(his wife) and i understand all this but he also had me thinking he had enough in life insurance for his burial. it turns out that's not the case and, as i said i'm not looking for him to pass but it could be any day for him OR his wife (both in bad health) and my question is has anyone ever had to deal w/ a situation like this?
cremation is OUT of the question for these folks (i have no qualms at all, non-traditional but cheaper and let's face it, easier) on everyone so i'm currently just doing what i can.
the pisser is that my wife and i live WAY below our means. we share a car, keep our debt low, good credit, don't overspend, all the right things but this has a very real potential to put a damper on my finances.
he said he had 5K in life insurance, plus another 1K from the VA but then he told me that he'd just started paying on the life insurance policy this yr.
then he went ahead and got another 1K in life insurance but still, it's gonna come outta my pocket i'm sure. even though we've had our differences and have put them behind us and i am enjoying our days together (once a week) i can't help but get frustrated and am wondering if there are some other measures i could take now or if it's just too late in the game.
it's not like he's on death's door or anything, but he has a bad hip, foot probs,bad heart, overweight, blind in one eye, but still has his mind in tact. i just feel like any day i could get the call and it's stressful as hell.

oh well, just venting i guess but if anyone has any ideas or has been in a similar situation, i'm open to any.

thanks

Since you don't have a problem with cremation the do it,it's your father not theirs.

I know they said it's out of the question, if that's the case then they can pay for it, fuck em.

And when they can't then you get to cremate anyway
 

Alzadosghost

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Apr 23, 2012
Messages
864
Your definitely in the midst of difficult time. I’m sorry your in this situation. I recently had a friend go through a similar scenerio but he simply didn’t have money to pay for anything. His dad was flat broke when he passed and left it up to his kids to pay for it. His social security death benefits and his va benefits didn’t add up enough to even creamate him. He ended up selling a bunch of his stuff to pay for it all. Best of luck brother.
 

Flex500

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May 31, 2011
Messages
767
Gosh man I’m sorry you are going through this. My dad has been in the funeral business damn near 40 years and I lived in a funeral home growing up lol. I’ll say this it’s odd someone at your fathers age hasn’t made these arrangements. As most people approach 75 or so they should be planning for this including the financials around it. Hell my mom and stepdad know where they will be buried and funerals are paid for and they are 60.

Yes...I know that doesn’t help you it’s just very abnovmral for a child to be responsible for a parents arrangements. Cremation is for sure cheaper and would be the best way to go.

I would recommend taking him to a funeral home. They have payment plans and options he can start paying on now. That is literally what my dad does...pre need arrangements and such. They will help.
 

hanquin

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Apr 15, 2011
Messages
528
Cremation is the only economical option.
Why are they against it?

first of all THANK YOU for all of the replies. but as far as cremation, stepsisters and stepmother are REAL southern, real country and 'GAWD-FEARIN SOULZ'.

plus, dad made mention of not wanting it, so who knows. if i get strapped and it's an option, it's still on the table.
 
Last edited:

hanquin

Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
528
Sorry to hear about those types of issues. These things are hard to talk about years before they happen even when just planning.

You said that you live below your means...is there any room for trying to save a little bit over time as it is better than nothing? You never know how much longer he may be around and it could be longer than you think.

Not saying that you aren't doing everything you can at the moment, but unfortunately it's times like those that it seems like the whole family turns on each other.

But like mentioned already....go talk with a few places and see about numbers. Basically your looking at a casket...do something graveside or at a local church you can use...and then a burial plot. So you have a few options.

I'm currently saving right now for a wedding that will happen in about 1.5 years. Didn't know they got to be so expensive. But it's my only child and she is currently in med school and working to pay on her loans. We were able to put her through her undergrad program at a good school with her not owing anything coming out....but reality hit when she started the next round of education.

well, that's just it. we keep our finances in check, don't spend extravagantly and cram as much as we can into 401K for our own retirements. it just sucks that he didn't plan for this, and yes the stepsisters are all at each others throats right now as well, b/c their mother is in worse shape than my dad.

he doesn't have much to speak of that i could sell, and i hate even stressing about all of this b/c i SHOULD be enjoying my last few days w/ him (he may live another couple of yrs - who knows) but i find myself getting resentful @ times as well.

sucks, but real life stuff. you live well, don't overspend and keep your finances manageable, no kids and then something else hijacks you. i mean, he's my dad and i love him and all, but it's not like he's been there for me my entire life. we have just recently come to terms w/ our pasts and how we didn't really get along for a many yrs.

bu alas, grown-up probs. i appreciate all the help and suggestions guys. i guess the holidays and other family issues and stress just sorta got me thinking about crazy stuff lol

but i also had a thought, would it behoove me (or is it possible) for me to just take out a small life insurance policy on my dad for like 10K or so just to cover any incidentals? if it means paying $50-100/month now, it could be worth it later on. but honestly, i don't even know how that stuff works. how long do you have to have been paying on it, etc. not looking for a windfall here, just don't want to lose my ass, either.
 

ThinkTank

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I know you mentioned that cremation is not the likely path you will take, however I will offer the following for your consideration and hopefully you will get something useful from it.

  • Depending on what state you live in - you may need a funeral director, or you may be able to work directly with a crematorium. Working directly with a crematorium is less costly, although working with a funeral home is not outrageously expensive. Shop around for the best price. I paid approximately $1100 for a cremation in Florida.
  • You can bury the deceased, keep the ashes, or whatever you like.
  • The plot costs money
  • The burial costs money
  • The headstone can be very expensive
  • Setting the headstone is costly

As you can see from the above, it is a lucrative business and can be costly to the grieving family.

My best advice is for you to prepare EVERYTHING now. You father might live to be 110, however by preparing now you will not be making these decisions under the duress of grief, and therefore less likely to make emotional decisions that may be costly to you.

One last thought.... If you are handling the estate and paying for this, then no one has the right to tell you how to do it and at what cost. Do not be manipulated or emotional blackmailed by family members. That is my 2 cents on that...
 

buck

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My father was against being cremated all his life. But in the end he changed his mind and decided having his ashes spread on a mountain he enjoyed picking berries on was better then being in a graveyard. So change can happen. All the best.
 

Bio

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I shot you a PM. You said your dad gets $1,000 from the VA. In the PM i explained what you can do and how you can do it. Being a Veteran of 12 years with the United States Marine Corps and five tours of combat I also get money from the VA. Hope my PM is able to help you.

Semper Fi,

Brother

The fact that he's a vet will bring costs down incredibly but you need to get his paperwork together and visit a funeral home in your area...bring your dad. They will give you options. My dad is a vet and my mom died last year...she was cremated (not your dad's choice), shipped to a VA cemetery and interned in the wall (had a choice of burial...same cost). The whole thing was $1,800. The same thing will happen when my dad passes...he took care of it when we paid for my mom's.
 

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